


Strays

by SubtextEquals



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Abuse, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-25 18:16:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 101,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1657883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubtextEquals/pseuds/SubtextEquals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Remus Lupin had never gone to Hogwarts? The Marauders wouldn't have formed and he would have been alone-- that is until he joins the Order of the Phoenix and meets four amazing people, including one Sirius Black. He and Sirius grow closer than he ever expected but the war threatens to tear their relationship apart and Remus must strike a balance between love and sacrifice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The bulk of this was written before Remus Lupin's bio came out on Pottermore so his parents are different but this only comes into play in chapter 1, which is setting the stage and mostly optional if you want to skip it.
> 
> Huge, huge thanks to my friends for their support in this, even if it was simply putting up with my frustration trying to finish it.

Remus’s 17th birthday came and went largely unnoticed by everyone save his parents. That was not unusual. The werewolf had no friends to speak of and his extended family had shown little interest in him. Aunts and uncles preferred to keep their children away. Even at the Muggle schools other children avoided him. He’d seldom had friends or visitors over. So when the doorbell rang several days after his birthday, Remus assumed that it was someone asking after his parents. His father still received guests every now and then, people who remembered him from better days before Remus’s illness bankrupted them. They usually expressed polite interest in Remus but that was the most attention he’d received in six years.

He opened the door, little knowing that was all about to change. The second he saw the man standing on the steps he froze. Albus Dumbledore had changed little in six years. His nose was just as crooked, his blue eyes sparkled with amusement, and that smile was just the same. Remus wondered if even the man’s lengthy beard was no different. When Remus was a child, their first meeting had left him awestruck and intimidated by the kindly old wizard. Now it awoke in him a pain he’d spent years trying to forget.

“Headmaster.” Remus spoke first. He didn’t stammer but his voice was stiff.

Dumbledore didn’t seem disturbed by the less than warm welcome. “Good afternoon, Remus. I sent word to your parents that I would visit. Have they not mentioned it to you?”

Remus glanced inside. “No, they haven’t.” He paused for a moment then stepped back. “Please, come inside.”

Dumbledore nodded and thanked him as he walked through the door. After briefly glancing around, he turned his attention back to the boy with such focus that it seemed he’d never looked away. “Ah, before I forget, I hope you won’t mind my tardiness but happy birthday. Did you have a nice celebration?”

“I did, Headmaster.”

“Please, you may call me Albus if you prefer.”

“I—” Remus paused. There was something unnerving at the thought of being on a first name basis with the most powerful wizard of his time.

“Or Dumbledore, if that would make you more comfortable.”

“Yes… thank you.”

Remus knew what he was trying to do. The words “headmaster” and “professor” only reminded him that the man standing before him would have been his headmaster if everything had gone to plan. When Remus was 11, the wizard came to them with an offer. In spite of Remus’s condition, he saw no reason why Remus shouldn’t go to Hogwarts so long as they took proper precautions. For several blissful weeks the Lupins had prepared for their son to have the magical education he’d only dreamed of. Unfortunately, that all ended when the school governors got word of the monster Dumbledore planned on admitting.

“Remus, who— Professor!” Helen Lupin froze in the doorway. Her hand stole to her chest for a moment before she lowered it to her side. “John said you weren’t coming.”

“Ah, we did have a disagreement but I thought we had resolved it. I am sorry if I inconvenienced you.”

Remus’s mother glanced at Remus, a silent question in her eyes. He simply shrugged in response.

“No.” Mrs. Lupin said finally. “But John won’t be pleased.” Judging from her tone, she wasn’t entirely happy with the situation either. “I’ll go—” But as she turned, Remus’s father finished walking to the room. He put his arm around his wife and gently nudged her to the side so he could walk into the sitting room.

“Headmaster.” In comparison to his father’s, Remus’s greeting had not been stiff at all. John Lupin could be a cold man when it came to people he perceived as a threat to his family and it seemed that after six years and a failed promise, his former professor found himself in that category.

John Lupin continued in the same cold voice. “I told you not to come.”

“And I believe we both agreed that Remus,” Dumbledore glanced at the young man and nodded, “is now of age and can make his own decision.”

What? What decision was there now? Unless Hogwarts offered adult classes, Remus very much doubted that he had any choice to make.

“About what?” He asked.

“I believe that is best discussed between the two of us,” Dumbledore said delicately.

“Dumbledore—” Remus’s father began.

“The choice is his.” The headmaster replied mildly.

Remus hesitated. The last time Dumbledore came to talk to him, all he had to offer were empty promises. How would now be any different? Still, what had happened wasn’t the man’s fault and he had done everything in his power to help him.

“Alright,” he said finally, giving his parents an apologetic look.

John Lupin’s mouth set in a hard line and his jaw clenched. “Well then, we’ll be in the back.”

Once he was left alone with the older wizard, Remus found himself at a loss of what to do. He wished that curiosity and politeness hadn’t got the best of him but it was too late to change that now.

“Is there anything I can get you? Do you like—” What would Albus Dumbledore like? “Tea or—”

“That’s not necessary. Thank you.”

“Then—” Remus gestured to the couch. “Shall we sit?”

“Ah, yes. I think that would be best.” Dumbledore quickly took a seat on the chair to the side of the sofa, leaving his host with the more comfortable couch. Relatively comfortable— both seats were threadbare and falling apart, as they had been for years, but they were familiar.

“What do you want to talk to me about, Headm— Dumbledore?”

“First, I do owe you an apology, Remus. I wish that things had turned out differently. To this day I wonder if there was more I could have done.”

The werewolf had tensed the moment the professor mentioned the word apology. “That was a long time ago. You don’t have to apologize.” And he didn’t want to hear it.

Dumbledore gave him an appraising look before doing. “Very well.” He formed a steeple with his index fingers and raised his hands to his chin. “When I first met you I recognized your talent. Even untrained you possessed powerful magic, as you must still. More importantly than that, you are a brave person, as I can see from the life you have lived and the trials you have endured. Such talents should not go to waste.”

As hard to believe as all that had been, what followed was more straining. Remus was by no means slow. Still, when Dumbledore started talking about the war, fighting the Death Eaters and an Order of the Phoenix, he found it hard to believe that the wizard could possibly be trying to recruit him. But the more he spoke, the more difficult it was to come to any other conclusion. The way he talked about fighting for what was right, Remus was almost convinced. He would have been were it not for a single fact that had shaped his entire life, destroying the future he might have had.

“I can’t,” Remus said when he was able to get a word in.

Dumbledore appeared unperturbed by the protest. “If you’re referring to your condition, I assure you I see no reason—”

“Why that should interfere?” Remus felt the anger rise inside of him too quickly to control. “You’ve told me that before. But that’s not why, at least that’s not the only reason.” He clasped his hands together and stared at the floor for a while before speaking. “I don’t know any spells. I don’t even know how to apparate yet. You talk about being useful but the truth is I’m—” Remus cut himself off as he neared doubts he dwelled on for over ten years. “Useless.” He finished weakly.

He didn’t look up but he could feel Dumbledore’s eyes on him. The silence between them lengthened until Remus could no longer bear it and he raised his eyes. The elderly wizard’s stern expression could match John Lupin’s harshest moments and yet there was a softness in his gaze, a hint of almost paternal affection that Remus’s father never held in his angriest moments. Remus immediately felt guilty for provoking such a response.

“Listen to me, Remus. No matter what you may believe, you are not and have never been useless. I am truly sorry that the school governors blocked your admittance to Hogwarts but neither of us can change that. What you can do, what you must do, is move on with your life. I would not dream of ordering you, but I am giving you an option. Your condition is of no importance. I have already made plans for it, should you decide to join. I am also not ignorant of the challenges you face and I and several other members are willing to teach you the magic you will need to learn. I do not pretend it will be easy. It will certainly not be safe, but I offer you education, companionship, and a home, if you would like it. Most importantly, I am offering you a chance to do your part in the war.”

So many thoughts ran through Remus’s mind that it nearly shut down in protest. But one question rose above the rest.

“Why me?”

A smile crossed Dumbledore’s face. “As I told you before Remus, untrained or not, you are a powerful wizard and a brave one. You may find it hard to imagine now, but you have much to offer the Order and whatever else you may choose to do with your life.”

Remus didn’t have many choices. He was under no illusions of that. He may never be able to hold down a job or move out of his parents’ home… or find friends. No, that wasn’t what Dumbledore was offering. Remus shouldn’t get his hopes up. Despite Dumbledore’s assurance, the other members could refuse to let a werewolf join them. It had happened before and it would happen again many times over. So why wasn’t he saying no? Why were there more questions forming?

“What will I do? While I’m learning and then after. I’ve never held a wand before let alone been in a duel.”

“You overestimate your own inexperience,” Dumbledore said and for a moment Remus could clearly remember the times he had sneaked into his parents’ room at night to practice smaller spells. As with everything in his life, that had not ended well.

But the moment passed and the headmaster continued. “I will not put you in harm’s way until I believe you are both capable and willing. I dare say there is enough work behind the scenes to keep you busy. It’s not as glorious but just as essential. I have done the bulk of analyzing information gathered but I have many duties that require my attention. I would also prefer that someone to stay at our headquarters full time in the event of a security breach or attack on another member. In the former case, I will need someone to protect delicate information and in the latter, someone must be there to provide safety and tend to any injuries, not to mention alert the rest of us to the attack.”

Remus rubbed his forehead. “And you trust me with this?”

Dumbledore smiled but it didn’t reach his bright blue eyes. “In times such as these we must always take risks. I believe you to be an honorable man. I have known there was something special about you since we first met, Remus Lupin and I believe you want the chance to prove yourself and become something more than what you are.”

Remus pressed his hands together, lacing his fingers. It was tempting, that he could not deny. “I’ve no way to pay for my expenses,” he said.

“That is not an issue. Your services will be payment enough. I know you do not wish to be a burden but I believe you will be happier if you know that you are achieving something.”

And there it was. Remus did feel like a burden living with his parents. He always had. Now Dumbledore was offering him something more, something with a purpose while Remus had been aimless for too long.

He did not mind the danger as much as he should. What was his life compared to the lives that could be saved working against He Who Must Not Be Named?

Still, Remus’s parents would surely be against the decision. And they had given him so much. How could he go against their wishes?

He had stayed silent for too long. Dumbledore noticed his indecision.

“Perhaps if you saw headquarters for yourself?”

“I— you would trust me with that?”

Remus could have sworn Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “Ah Remus, I believe we have been over that.” He stood. “Come, if we’re in time, you may meet one of our members.”

Remus stood. After telling his parents that he would be gone with the headmaster for some time, he let Dumbledore take his hand and apparate.

Headquarters was not very comfortable. All hardwood floors, worn carpet, and equally worn wallpaper. He didn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t this. This was a quiet, small home by all appearances. The only thing that was large about it was the spacious living room, and the adjoining dining room, which he could see through the door leading to it. His eyes were caught, however, by a man lounging on one of the couches in the den.

His build was naturally thin but his muscles added some bulk to his frame. He had blond hair that was currently a bit of a mess and there were dark circles under his eyes. Still, he struck Remus as rather handsome, even in his current state.

Seeing Dumbledore, the man gave them a weary smile.

“So,” he said. “This is our new recruit? I was wondering when you would get here.” He stood and walked over to them.

“Er, I haven’t actually decided.” Remus’s tongue rebelled against him.

Ignoring him, the man held out his hand. “Caradoc Dearborn. Nice to meet some new blood.”

Remus shook his hand and chose to ignore the last comment. “Remus Lupin.”

“Now that introductions are out of the way, Caradoc if you would show Remus around?” Dumbledore asked.

Caradoc nodded. “Well, as you can see, this is the living room. Before meetings we like to gather in here until we get too crowded. By the way. That couch?” He said pointing to the one he’d just been resting on. “The most comfortable to nap on. We do that every now and then before meetings or when we’re holding shop. I guess that’s not going to be an issue with you here.”

From there the tour proceeded through the rest of the house. The dining room doubled as a meeting place once all the Order members were assembled. There was also the kitchen, which had obviously been largely untouched for some time, the bathroom, and a small bedroom, which had a bed more comfortable than Remus’s own.

“That’s everything,” Caradoc said when he was done. “What do you think?”

“It’s… nice,” Remus said.

Caradoc laughed. “I’ve been up all night. I could use some coffee. Care to join me?”

“Please,” Remus said. “What were you doing last night?”

“Work,” Caradoc said simply. “I like to say I’m a full time Order member.”

“I guess I will be too, assuming I join.” Remus spoke slowly.

Caradoc just nodded. “You’ll join.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because if you won’t then Dumbledore never would have brought you here.”

The coffee was stronger than Remus would have liked but he didn’t mind the company. It was refreshing to spend time with someone other than his parents and who wanted to talk to him in spite of his awkwardness. He didn’t want it to end but finally Caradoc checked the time.

“I should go,” he said. “You’re a good man, Remus. I look forward to working with you.”

Remus wished he could say the same but his own doubts were getting the better of him. Opening himself up was both a relief and a source of tension. No matter how much Caradoc liked him now, things would change when he discovered what Remus was.

As Caradoc left Dumbledore entered.

“I trust you enjoyed your chat with Caradoc.”

“Yes, I did,” Remus said, staring after Caradoc and until he heard the front door open and close. “He’s friendly.” A pause. “He doesn’t know what I am though?”

“Not yet but I assure you that once I’ve spoken to him it will not be an issue.”

“The way it wasn’t an issue at Hogwarts?” Remus said before he could stop himself.

“Remus, I do not pretend to know how you feel but I do know that you must let go of your hurts if you wish to move on with your life.” Dumbledore spoke gently to soften his words.

Remus knew he was right. He knew he had to let go and he thought he had but the moment he saw Dumbledore, old hurts had come to life again. What he had thought put behind him now stood before him.

“I’d like to go home now,” Remus said.

Dumbledore paused for a moment. “Of course. I trust I do not need to tell you that everything you have seen and heard here is confidential.”

“I’m used to keeping secrets.”

\---

Remus returned home without joining the Order of the Phoenix, despite what Caradoc had said. But he did get an owl from Caradoc inviting him out for drinks. It went that way for several weeks. He’d go out with Caradoc, get close to getting drunk, and watch as his friend, as he’d reluctantly began to think of him, hit on women and tried to coax Remus into doing the same. One time he’d come close. A woman, who no doubt found his scars exotic, tried to sit in his lap. Caradoc still liked to laugh about the way Remus’s face had colored as he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Caradoc never mentioned the Order, but he didn’t need to. A part of Remus knew that was why he was there. He would never take any interest in Remus if Dumbledore didn’t want him to join, but it felt too good to fool himself.

Meanwhile, whenever he broached the subject with his parents, in broad terms that revealed nothing about the Order, he was met with stiff opposition. His parents’ approval meant everything to him and so Remus quickly fell silent. But the idea grew in his mind each night as he lay in bed until he found himself dreading the night as he would toss and turn for close to an hour.

In the coming months, Remus would wonder if his parents knew how much they meant to him and that it was because of them that he remained with them, constantly searching for a job so he could help them as he’d been helped all these many years. He never found an answer.

For a change, Remus had had too much to drink. Caradoc, who was helping him back home, had his arm slung around him to support him. In his current state, Remus did not hold back from leaning into him.

The Knight Bus had left them off a fair bit away from Remus’s house. Apparently Caradoc didn’t have enough money to get them all the way there but Remus didn’t mind. It gave them more time together.

“I’ll never let you live this one down, you know,” Caradoc said.

“You’ve done worse.” Remus slurred, doing his best to keep his walk steady and even.

“Yes, but you’re the serious one. You’re supposed to keep me in li—”

Remus stumbled when Caradoc stopped walking. He lifted his gaze from the ground and stared at his friend, who was looking straight ahead of him. His face had gone pale.

Stomach turning, Remus glanced ahead of him. If Caradoc hadn’t been holding him, he would have fallen to the ground.

There, hovering over his home, was the Dark Mark.


	2. Chapter 2

No one complained when Remus moved into the headquarters. Someone needed to stay there at all times and it might as well be Remus. Just as long as he didn’t tear up the furniture, Gideon said. Remus shrugged at the joke. Gideon didn’t know what Remus was at the time. None of them did.

It hadn’t been easy at first, once they learned that he was a werewolf. Moody had eyed him warily but not gone out of his way to torment him. He soon learned that Moody looked at everyone suspiciously. As for the others, they were nervous initially; Remus could see it in their eyes, but over time that faded. After the first growing pains they did more than accept him. They treated him as one of their own. And he was. Remus had almost come to think of them as family. Almost because no one could replace the parents he had lost.

The Order kept him busy though. His fellow members switched off giving him lessons. He had seven years’ worth of education to catch up on and Remus felt the pressure. Even Dumbledore gave him lessons although his were unconventional and focused on an obscure form of magic, Occlumency. That, and his insistent that Remus also practice wandless magic, was Remus’s first hint that Dumbledore had more in mind for him than simply holding the fort. When he began to assign readings focusing on the mistreatment of part-human and nonhuman beings, with a focus on werewolves, Remus knew that eventually he would be expected to go under cover. Sometimes it left him lying awake at night but for the most part he focused on his education.

A year passed. Summer came and with it new members, four as a matter of fact and all straight out of Hogwarts. Remus would have been in their year if he had been allowed to attend. A year ago, the thought would have made him bitter but he no longer had the energy to be angry. It was a deep hurt now forgotten. The only trace of it was the soft ache in his heart, a memory of the pain that used to be.

Remus, Caradoc, and Frank and Alice Longbottom sat on two of the sofas in what was now the living room. Since moving in, Remus had redecorated the place as much as he was able. The couches were more comfortable. There was a coffee table in front of it and a rug as well. Remus had even painted the house in soothing, warm colors. It had given him something to do-- a distraction from the deaths of his parents. And yet there had been times, hands covered in paint, when he had started crying. Unable to stop or to wipe his eyes, the tears had run down his face. But that time had long since passed.

In the present, sitting across from Remus, Alice leaned forward. “You’ll love Lily,” she said for what was possibly the twelfth time. “She’s very nice.”

Just as she finished, the doorbell rang and they all looked toward the entrance.

“I’ll get it.” Remus rose to his feet.

“No.” Alice also stood. “I’ll answer. It’s probably Lily and I haven’t seen her in a long time.”

Remus sat back down as Alice left. Once her back was turned, Frank made a motion with his hands like two people talking and the three men laughed in response.

Sure enough, after several minutes Alice returned to the room, chatting rapidly with a woman that had to be Lily. She had a slight build, bright red hair, and equally bright green eyes. She smiled at everyone.

“Hello. It’s nice to see all of you.”

They all stood. Frank gave Lily a brief hug while Lily shook Caradoc and Remus’s hands. Given the fact that Lily did not flinch when they touched, Remus assumed she hadn’t been told about his condition. He had been assured that she would not care but he had heard that a lot over the years.

“James is with Sirius so they’ll be at least a few minutes late,” Lily said. She took a seat next to Remus. She definitely hadn’t been told about him.

Frank groaned. “Tell me they’re not on that motorcycle.”

“What motorcycle?” Caradoc asked, clearly interested.

Lily sighed and clearly restrained herself from rolling her eyes. “Sirius enchanted a motorcycle to fly. He can’t go anywhere without it.”

“He’d better not come here on it,” Frank said sternly. “We can’t afford to draw attention.”

“If the Death Eaters can get past the wards then we shouldn’t be concerned about a flying motorcycle,” Remus said calmly. “Lily, would you like something to drink? Tea, perhaps?”

“Oh yes, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Not at all.” Remus stood. “Anyone else?”

“I’ll have a cup,” Frank said.

Remus left to brew the tea. He was in no hurry to return to the living room. Meeting new people always put him on edge, even if they were members of the Order. He was sure he’d settle eventually and they’d be friends— well, he was sure on an intellectual level.

He heard the others talking. Lily told them about what her last year at Hogwarts had been like. Who had changed for the better, who had changed for the worse, what the last Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was like, the list went on. The tea was done but Remus waited for the conversation to change before returning. His moment came after Alice expressed her surprise that Lily and James started dating. After answering that James had matured, Alice used it as an opportunity to ask about the wedding bells in the couple’s future.

“Here, Frank, Lily.” Remus handed the cups to both of them before taking his old seat again.

Lily nodded and was about to speak when the doorbell rang again.

“I’ll get it this time,” Frank said before Remus could stand. “I know, it’s your house but I know them. And besides,” he made the talking gesture again, “catching up, you know.”

Remus shrugged and let Frank go.

“You live here?” Lily asked.

“Yes.” Remus replied, turning his gaze from the entrance. He rested his hand on the armchair. “This is our safe house. Someone needs to be here at all times.” And it was all he had.

Lily stared at him, trying to figure him out, when Frank entered the room. Three men trailed behind him. The first one was short with watery looking eyes and prominent front teeth. The other two were behind him and stood side by side. They both had jet black hair. One was shorter than the other. He wore glasses and his hair looked rumpled but it was hard to stay focused on him instead of the man next to him. This man’s features were aristocratic and the way he carried himself only intensified the look. His silky, long, black hair fell from his head in just the right ways. Either he spent several hours each morning in front of a mirror making it perfect or he never bothered with it at all and it was naturally that way. Given the man’s atmosphere of careless grace, Remus betted on the latter.

“Remus, I think you’re the only one who hasn’t met these three.” Frank said. “This,” he said gesturing to the man with short man, “is Peter Pettigrew.” He gestured to the man with glasses. “James Potter. And,” he gestured to the last man. “Sirius Black. Peter, James, Sirius,” He said, turning to them. “This is Remus Lupin.”

“Nice to meet you.” James stepped forward to shake Remus’s hand.

“And you.” Remus replied. After shaking James’s hand he shook Sirius’s. At the first touch, he felt a warm tingle of pleasure that had so rarely happened to him before.

“Dumbledore told me about you,” Sirius said. “I thought you’d be older.”

“Eighteen.” Remus replied. He reluctantly let go of Sirius’s hand so he could shake Peter’s.

“You’re our age.” Sirius kept his eyes on Remus, giving him his full attention. “Are you a squib?”

Remus had expected this. “No.”

“Then why weren’t you at Hogwarts with—”

“Sirius,” Lily said coldly.

Sirius met her harsh gaze for a brief moment then looked back at Remus. He held up his hands in a deferential gesture. “Right, sorry. None of my business.”

Caradoc smirked. He was still standing, arms folded over his chest as he surveyed the scene. “I see James isn’t the only one who’s whipped.”

“Oh shut it, Caradoc.” Sirius snapped.

Peter had taken Caradoc’s abandoned seat. James had taken a seat next to Lily, but Sirius remained standing.

“When will Dumbledore be here?” Sirius asked.

“He and Elphias will be an hour late. Marlene should get here…” Frank checked the clock on the wall. “In half an hour. As for the others, they’re working.”

“See James, we didn’t have to come right away.” Sirius grinned at his friend.

“You didn’t.” Lily interjected. “You were ten minutes late.”

The rest of the day was relatively dull. Remus spent his time going back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. They talked mostly of Hogwarts and Remus took the first opportunity to excuse himself. At one point Lily joined him to help make some more tea. She was warm, polite, and it was easy to talk to her. But when he drifted back into the room, his attention was captured by Sirius Black. He had a personality as equally loud as the words that came out of his mouth, as Remus discovered. He was funny, charming when he wanted to be, abrasive when he wasn’t, and full of energy. It was hard not to stare at him and for more than just his looks.

His appraisal did not last long, however. When Dumbledore arrived, the chatter ceased. He went through the usual welcoming speech and an introduction of what the duties a member of the Order would face. Remus had heard it all before many times yet each time it still inspired him. He had a way with words and knew exactly which ones you needed to hear.

Dumbledore did not stay long after the meeting but, before he left, he had a few choice words with James Potter. Then he looked at Remus and winked before leaving shortly after Alice and Frank. Others followed until there was only Remus, Caradoc, and the people who would have been his classmates. Then Caradoc headed for the door.

“You don’t have to leave right away,” Remus said, following him.  
.  
“Business, Remus. You know how it is.”

Remus felt the familiar twisting in his stomach at the thought of Caradoc going into danger. He could suppress it. He could fight it. But it was still there.

“But—” He started to protest.

“Listen,” Caradoc turned to face Remus. He was scarcely a foot away. If he leaned in just a little… “Listen,” Caradoc continued in a whisper. “They’re not going to care that you’re a werewolf. And even if they do I’ll hex them for you.”

“Car—”

“I will.” Caradoc raised his wand. “They won’t be able to walk for a week. So will you at least try not to worry about it?”

Remus nodded. “Alright.”

Caradoc grinned, stowed his wand away, and opened the door.

“Stay safe,” Remus said.

Caradoc looked back over his shoulder. “I’ll do my best. See you next time.”

“Bye.” Remus watched Caradoc until he turned a corner, finding a dark alley in which to disapparate. Remus sighed and shut the door. He would have to face the others on his own. The questions started almost as soon as he rejoined them.

“So, Remus.” James began. “How long have you been with the Order?”

Almost imperceptibly, Remus’s body tensed. He took a deep breath to relax again. “A little over a year,” he said, settling into his seat. “Dumbledore invited me shortly after I came of age.”

“He must think very highly of you.” Lily said.

Remus smiled gently in response. “I’d like to think so.”

“We had to wait until after graduating.” As he spoke, Sirius leaned back against the sofa and stretched.

“For me that wasn’t a concern. I couldn’t attend Hogwarts for health reasons.” It was not a lie and it was close enough to the full moon that Remus looked sickly.

“Why? What do you have?” This time it was Peter, who had hardly said a word since he arrived.

Remus paused. He was about to speak, ready to stretch the truth further when Lily spoke.

“It’s none of our business, Peter.”

Peter turned red and looked away. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Remus said quickly. “You don’t have to apologize. But you’re right, Lily I’d rather not say for now.”

“It’s all up to you. There’s no rush.” James adjusted his glasses. “Dumbledore said you’ve learned a lot on your own and from him but there’s still a lot to cover. Sirius and I— and Lily too, of course, were top of our class. I think between the three of us we can cover most everything we learned at Hogwarts.”

“And they’re good at explaining,” Peter said eagerly. “They helped me get through O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s.”

“That and luck.” Sirius muttered under his breath.

“I— that’s very generous of you.” Remus wished he could be sure if they would still offer if they knew he was a werewolf. “If you don’t mind.”

“If we did we wouldn’t bring it up.” Sirius fumbled with a pack of cigarettes tucked away in the pocket of his leather jacket. “Mind if I smoke?”

“Go ahead.”

Sirius lit a cigarette and took a drag before noticing Lily glaring at him. “What?”

“You know I don’t like it when you—”

“I know. I know. I’ll quit. Whatever.” Sirius exhaled a plume of smoke. “You might have James wrapped around your little finger but I can still do what I want.”

“Sirius.” James raised his voice.

“Fine.” Sirius took the cigarette out of his mouth and stood. “I’ll go outside.”

“No, now that’s an even worse idea.” James got to his feet.

Remus was faster than either of them and got to the door. “No one’s going anywhere unless it’s to their home. I don’t mind the smoke— I have one myself once in a while.” He added, glancing from Sirius to Lily. “I needed one after my first Order meeting.”

“Oh, I like you all ready.” Sirius smiled at Remus before turning his eyes to Lily. “Don’t mind if I do then?”

Lily huffed and her long fingers dug into the fabric of the couch. “It’s your life, Sirius.”

“Mhm.” Sirius pressed the cigarette to his lips again.

“Remus, what sort of education have you had?” James asked, no doubt eager to cut the tension between his friend and his fiancée.

Remus shrugged. “I’ve received lessons in dueling but everyone has been busy. I’d say I’m at Third Year level with some more advanced spells. As for potions, I’m afraid I’m a lost cause.”

“No one’s a lost cause.” Lily spoke gently and leaned forward slightly, her green eyes staring into Remus’s brown.

“If anyone can teach you, it’s Lily.” James said. “So how about a demonstration of your knowledge?” As he spoke he adjusted his glasses.

“Now?” Remus asked, anxiety rising. He hadn’t expected that.

“If you like.” James replied.

“I— sure.” Remus rose.

“Well, I guess I should go,” Peter said, standing as well. “Nice to meet you, Remus.”

He held out his hand and when Remus shook it he felt him trembling slightly. Before he could reassure him, Peter had moved away and to the door. Remus gave him the space he needed before coming to lock the door behind him.

When he returned, he showed the three new members some of his repertoire. Sirius had rolled up his sleeves and his eyes were sparkling with excitement. After finishing his cigarette, he volunteered to duel with Remus to see what he could do. Remus easily blocked most of his curses, and the ones he didn’t landed on the wall next to him. He knew that Sirius was going easy on him, of course, but not when it came to deflecting Remus’s spells. The man’s reflexes were quick, his eyes alert, and his lips twitched into a smirk here and a grin there.

“Good!” He said and lowered his wand. “You’re better than I thought. We can work with this, what do you think James?”

“Oh yes,” James said with a smile. “We can.”

“What about charms and transfiguration?”

“We can leave that for tomorrow,” James said. “I think Sirius is going to collapse once he comes down from his high.”

“Am not.” Sirius grinned. He turned to Remus and gave him a half bow. Remus did the same.

“Good match,” Sirius said. “I look forward to the next.”

“So do I,” Remus said and he couldn’t help but admire the man. Sirius was breathing harder and a lock of hair had fallen into his face. As Remus stared Sirius swept it back behind his ear.

Sirius walked over to the couch and sank onto it. “Come on,” he said, gesturing to the chair next to him. “Do you have any adventures to share? Of being in the Order.”

Remus took a seat. “Not any of mine. I know about some others but they can tell you more about that.” He might not have had much socialization but he knew well enough to deflect. “What about you?”

“Oh, nothing as exciting as you’ve heard but you should have seen us at Hogwarts.”

“Be careful. Once he starts he’ll never stop.” James laughed.

James was wrong. Sirius did stop talking but only to let James pick up or else when Lily interjected. Remus couldn’t deny that it ached on some level to hear. These could have been his adventures. They could have been his classmates. But soon the pain was swallowed by laughter as he heard more about the pranks they’d pulled on students and professors alike. Soon he forgot what it was like to be alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Less than a week and more than a few practice sessions later, Remus was alone again. He had to be. Caradoc had locked him inside the spare room, left empty just for the nights of the full moon. He’d ripped, clawed, and torn at himself until his salvation rose with the sun and he was freed from his nightmare. He lay on the floor, too tired to move but in too much pain to fully wake.

“Come on, Remus. Get up.” The words were indistinct and sounded like they came from afar.

Remus groaned and opened his eyes just as Caradoc pushed him over onto his back.

“Rise and shine.”

“How bad is it?” Remus voice was hoarse as he spoke. The sharp pain in his chest told him that he probably should not try sitting up just yet.

“Better than last time but let’s just say you’ll be spending a few days in bed. Come on, help me out here.”

Caradoc put his arm around Remus’s shoulder and helped him onto his feet. Remus closed his eyes and leaned into his touch.

“Don’t fall asleep on me yet.”

“Sorry.”

Remus let Caradoc guide him onto the bed. He watched as the other man rubbed medicine onto his wounds, always in the same clinical manner. 

“I’ll let you rest,” Caradoc said once he’d finished. “I’ll be here for a few more hours. After that someone else will have to be with you.”

“I’m fine.” Remus protested weakly.

“All the same, someone should be here with you.”

“Someone who knows already,” Remus said, meaning none of the new Order members. He had no way of knowing how they’d react and he’d rather not find out for as long as possible.

“Alright. Until then, let me know if you need anything.”

Remus closed his eyes. The dull pain in his muscles gradually faded out of his awareness and he drifted back to sleep. It must have been several hours later when Remus woke to the sound of voices. One was Caradoc, the other was harder to place.

“And this is normal?”

“Better than usual.” Caradoc replied.

“Merlin’s beard, he looks like—”

“Like a werewolf got him?”

Remus would give anything for five more minutes of sleep. It looked like he was not going to get it. He opened his eyes. “Car—” His vision cleared. Caradoc was standing next to him with… “…Sirius?”

Sirius smiled nervously. “Hey.”

Still half asleep, the anger was slow to come. “Caradoc, you told me—”

Caradoc didn’t back down but he did have the decency to look embarrassed by Remus’s sharp words. “I know I told you but no one else could come.”

Remus sat up. His face was rapidly turning red, whether from anger or embarrassment he didn’t know. “You had no right—”

“Yes, he had no right.” Sirius cut in before Caradoc could speak. “But seeing as I don’t care and he has to leave, you can yell at him later.” Sirius bumped his shoulder against Caradoc and motioned to the door.

“Sirius, Remus.” Caradoc nodded at both and made a hasty retreat.

Remus was too busy staring at Sirius to protest. “Y-you know I’m a werewolf and—”

“And I don’t care. If anything, I like you more or I will if you stop staring at me like that. Lie back down. I want to have a look at you.”

Remus reluctantly obeyed. He should have expected this. Sirius was all about rebellion and what better way to infuriate his parents than to befriend a half breed?

“Can I see your hands first?”

Remus held up his hands. “Caradoc already took care of me.”

“Yes, I’m sure he did his best.” Sirius frowned slightly as he turned over Remus’s palm in a gentle manner that was not clinical at all. The touch sent shivers up Remus’s arm, a welcome distraction.

“What did he use?” Sirius asked.

“Lacerain’t.”

“Is that from the States?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Sirius continued. “Caradoc doesn’t know that Skin De-Breaker works better.” Sirius held up a flask of green liquid. He poured some of it onto his hands, rubbed them together, and then massaged the large cut along Remus’s palm.

“Neither did I.” The feeling in his hand numbed. “How long does it last?”

“A day for a small cut, half a day for moderate ones. Any worse and you’re better off begging for a mediwizard. It won’t be so numb in half an hour.” Sirius moved on to Remus’s wrists as he spoke.

“Where did you learn all this?”

Sirius pressed his lips into a thin line. “Here and there. Where else are you hurt?”

“My side.”

Remus would have indicated the area had he both hands free. As it was, he had to wait for Sirius to pull back the blanket that covered him. Sirius’s face twisted into a grimace. “Oh that’s—”

Remus looked down and realized that the blood had slowly been seeping onto the blankets, which were thick enough to mask the growing stain until then. He couldn’t see much of what Sirius was wincing at but judging by the sharp pain that erupted in his side, it wasn’t pretty.

“I’ll need a wand for that one.”

“It won’t heal,” Remus said faintly. “Cursed wounds.”

“That doesn’t mean there aren’t things I can do. Damn.” Sirius turned aside to a table near the bed and selected a flask of dittany. He tipped the top over onto the edges of Remus’s wounds. The bright, stabbing pain that Remus felt when he breathed gradually dulled.

Sirius leaned back. “It’s not bleeding anymore. That’s the most I can do.”

“It feels better. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Sirius rolled up the blanket to cover Remus’s torso again. His eyes lingered over the scar across Remus’s shoulder, warped with age. He didn’t ask what Remus knew he was thinking. Was that the bite? Their eyes met and they shared a brief moment of understanding before Sirius turned aside to set the dittany away.

“Did you hurt your legs?” He asked.

Remus bit back the reply that it was a rare full moon indeed when he hadn’t torn into all his limbs. “Yes.”

Sirius didn’t comment on Remus’s reluctance. “Can I see?” He asked.

“Not too high. I’m— well, I’m not wearing anything.” Remus said.

“Don’t worry.” Sirius replied as he rolled up the blankets. “That’s not as bad.” He commented.

Unlike the wound on Remus’s chest, Sirius had to rub Skin De-Breaker into the shallow wounds. This time his touch did not feel good at all.

Remus’s hands dug into the mattress but he held back any noise of protest, focusing instead on breathing deeply. He watched Sirius. His lips were pursed in concentration as the injuries, though not as bad the one on his side, were extensive.

“You know,” Sirius began as he went back to rubbing Skin De-breaker into Remus’s legs. “If you want to hear any stories I have a lot. Pranks, fights, detentions, the list goes on.”

“Sounds like you got into a lot of trouble,” Remus said slowly, doing his best to keep his face still instead of cringing.

Sirius laughed. “That is an understatement. I can’t count the number of times James and I got detention. I still can’t believe he made Head Boy after all the points we lost Gryffindor.”

“You were in Gryffindor?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, best house there is. Beats Slytherin any day.” Sirius was silent for a moment. “You weren’t able to go to Hogwarts because you’re a werewolf, right?”

“Yes. Dumbledore fought for my admission but the school governors found out.”

Sirius frowned. “That’s a load of shit. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have been able to attend.”

“Except for the fact that every month I turn into a monster that will rip anything apart, including myself. Yes, there is no danger in letting something like that near a school.”

“Hey,” Sirius stopped his ministrations to look straight into Remus’s eyes. “You’re a person, not a monster. You had a right to go to Hogwarts and learn just like any other witch or wizard. You haven’t hurt anyone. There’s no reason you couldn’t have spent the full moon somewhere like here and then gone to school the rest of the time.”

Remus wished Sirius would look away. His grey eyes were sharp and intense. Remus felt like he might lose himself in them.

“That’s not how it turned out,” he said slowly. “There’s no way to change that.”

Sirius held Remus’s gaze for a few more moments and then went back to tending his legs. “Still wasn’t fair.”

“No, but it’s more important to focus on what I can do now”

“Like fighting Voldemort.”

“Yes,” he said. “Though I wish I could do more. I’m afraid I’m more of a housekeeper these days.”

“Once James and I are through with you, you won’t have to worry about that.” Sirius allowed himself a smirk at his confidence in his own abilities.

Remus did not bother saying that he doubted Dumbledore would favor the idea of Remus taking a more active role in the war, not unless he would be wearing a mask.

Sirius pulled his hands away from Remus’s body, which was now pleasantly numb. “That’s it.” He rolled the blankets back over Remus’s legs and stepped away. “Feel better?”

“I do.” Much to Remus’s surprise. “How expensive is Skin De-Breaker?”

“I’ll give it to you.” Sirius set the flask on the nightstand. “Money’s not a concern for me.”

Remus was silent, torn between the need for better medicine and his own pride. Yet he was nothing but a nuisance to everyone in the days after the full moon when he was recuperating.

“It’s nothing,” Sirius said, apparently reading Remus’s mind. “It doesn’t cost much. Consider it a donation to the Order. After all, we have to take care of each other.”

Remus nodded. “Thank you.”

“Like I said, it’s nothing.” Sirius rolled on the balls of his feet. “I should let you sleep.”

“Wait.” Remus was exhausted. As much as he enjoyed Sirius’s company, at the moment he wanted nothing more than to sleep but there was one thing he had to settle. “Are you going to tell the others that I’m a werewolf?”

“Only if it’s all right with you. Lily won’t care. She’s Muggleborn and hasn’t been exposed to the prejudice very much. James will be surprised but that’s it. The only one you have to worry about is Peter but James and I can beat some sense into him if he needs it. I doubt he will. He usually comes around quickly.”

“Alright.” Remus nodded.

“Alright.” Sirius repeated. “I’ll still be here for a while in case you need me.”

“Thanks, Sirius.”

“You can make it up to me later over a drink,” he said with a grin and walked out the door before Remus could figure out if he was joking.

He had to be joking.

\---

It turned out Sirius wasn’t joking. Since Lily, James, Sirius, and Peter were new members they showed up at Headquarters more than the others. After talking with Caradoc and Frank, Sirius asked Remus the question.

“Hey, we’re going to a club tonight. Want to join us? I did promise you a drink.”

Frank and Caradoc shared a glance.

Remus blinked. “Oh, I need to stay—”

Frank interrupted him. “There’s no reason we can’t stay here while you enjoy yourself.”

“Yeah, it’s not like I have anything better to do,” Caradoc said dryly.

Frank shot a glare at Caradoc. “We have some things we need to talk about anyway. Go on, Remus.”

Remus turned his wary eyes from Frank to the new members. Frank hadn’t given him any other choice but to accept.

“In that case, I’ll join you. How are we getting there?”

“We’re apparating close to the club,” Lily said as they all walked to the door. “At least James, Peter, and I are.”

“But I’ve still got my motorcycle,” Sirius said. “And seeing as you don’t know where the club is you can ride with me.”

When they were outside, Sirius wasted no time in getting on his bike. His fingers glided over the handlebars. Everything about Sirius was loud, vibrant and strong but his touch was soft now. Remus found himself wondering what it would be like to be the motorcycle, secretly worshipped by this outwardly irreverent man. To come alive under his touch and turn himself over completely, letting Sirius ride as long and hard as he wanted.

Sirius looked at Remus over his shoulder, tossing his hair back as he did so, and grinned. “Are you coming or not?”

When had Remus’s mouth gone dry? “Yes.”

“You’ll have to put your arms around me.”

Reluctantly, Remus followed Sirius’s suggestion. The warmth of the man’s body radiated into Remus’s own.

“Hold on.” Sirius started the engine and they were off.

Conversation was impossible between the noise of the engine and the wind speeding past them. It was exhilarating. Remus did not know what he enjoyed more, the ride itself or having his arms around Sirius’s waist, body pressed against him. When they arrived Remus briefly thought of asking for Sirius to take him back just so they could be close again.

“Enjoy yourself?” Sirius grinned and headed for the club’s entrance.

“Very much. Thank you for offering.”

“And thank you for coming.” Sirius reached for the door. “They must have beat us here.”

Before he could open the door, Remus grabbed his arm as a thought suddenly occurred to him. “Wait, I should have asked you earlier. Do they know what I am?”

Sirius turned his grey eyes on Remus. His expression was almost solemn as he said. “They know and they don’t care. Don’t worry about it.” Then he smiled. “Now let’s see what trouble we can get into.”

From the moment they stepped inside, Remus could not help but feel drab, boring, and just plain out of place next to Sirius. The man attracted attention almost as soon as they walked through the door. The place itself was loud, crowded and everything Remus didn’t want. He shrank back from the scene but Sirius waltzed in.

“Ah, there they are.” Sirius said, waving to his friends, who were at the bar.

On his own, Remus wouldn’t have been able to spot them. The place was so crowded it was hard to see past the people mingling and dancing. He made sure to stay close to Sirius as they made their way through what seemed like a throng of people.

“You’re late.” James smiled at them. “Peter has already spotted someone he wants to dance with.”

He and Lily were standing, leaning against the bar. James’s hands were empty while Lily was holding a cocktail with a lime floating on top of the drink. Meanwhile, Peter was sitting on one of the stools, quickly downing a beer.

“Oh Pete, grow a spine and just ask her.” Sirius slapped his hand on Peter’s back and the man choked.

“She’ll just say no.” Peter mumbled, having recovered.

“Never know until you ask.” James chimed in.

“Leave him alone.” Lily cut in. “He’ll ask when he wants to ask, won’t you?”

Peter mumbled something Remus couldn’t hear.

Remus’s heart went out to Peter. He couldn’t count the number of times Caradoc had tried to get him to do the same. Only he was not even interested in whoever it was Caradoc picked out as Remus’s type, whatever that was.

Sirius waved down the bartender to order something. Remus shook his head when he was asked what he wanted. Sirius shrugged and the bartender went to make his drink.

Sirius leaned back against the counter, elbows and arms resting on top of it. He was watching the dance floor but no one seemed to draw his attention. “So who is it?”

“The brunette in the yellow dress.” James supplied.

Sirius searched her out in the crowd, as did Remus but his companion found her first.

“ _Her?_ Well, she’s pretty enough I guess.”

While Peter flushed, James laughed loudly. “As if you can tell.”

Sirius glared at his friend. “Just because I’m—”

Lily, who had quickly finished her cocktail, pulled on James’s arm. “Let’s go.” She turned her bright green eyes on him and her lips formed what looked suspiciously like a pout.

James’s grin lit up his face and he looped his arm through Lily’s. “I believe in you, Pete.” He called as he walked with Lily into the crowd. They were soon swept away.

“Wrapped around her little finger.” Sirius muttered. At that moment the bartender came with his drink. Taking it out of his hand, Sirius raised it in the air before pressing the glass to his lips and taking a gulp.

“Should I go now?” Peter asked nervously.

“The worst she can say is no.” Remus found himself saying.

“He’s right, you know.” Sirius inclined his head in Remus’s direction. “Maybe I should soften her up for y—“

“No,” Peter said firmly as he got up from his seat. “I remember what happened the last time you did that.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Sirius spread his hand out defensively as he spoke.

“She was clinging to you all night.”

Sirius sighed at the memory. “Took ages to shake her off,” he said, shaking his head as if he were trying to do so now.

“See what I mean?” Still, after being bid good luck by Sirius, Peter staggered into the crowd in search of the pretty brunette.

Sirius and Remus stood in silent for a moment until Sirius set aside his drink.

“Well,” Sirius said, leaning into him. “I don’t need to be drunk to ask you to dance.”

Remus blinked and turned to Sirius. “What?”

“Dance with me?” Sirius eyebrows briefly moved up as he spoke. One side of his lips quirked up into a half-smile and there was a gleam of excitement in his eyes.

Remus, for his part, had no idea why he was worth the attention. “Er…”

“As a favor because if you don’t then I’ll have to ask Peter,” Sirius pointed to his portly friend, who, from the look of it, had just been rejected. “And between you and me,” Sirius continued. “He has two left feet and can’t stop stepping on people even when he’s sober.” Sirius stepped backwards, toward the dance floor. “Come on.”

This was not the man he dreamed of dancing with but Remus could not say he didn’t want this. “Alright,” he said.

People glanced at them on more than one occasion and Remus was fairly certain several of the women were glaring at him. Or was he only imagining that because he himself could not believe his luck? And yet here he was, dancing with one of, if not the most, attractive man there. He was not Caradoc but he was funny, charming, and confident. And he was interested in Remus, romantically or not that counted for something.

Remus did not have the stamina to keep up with Sirius. But Remus was no stranger to pain and he kept on moving. As always, Sirius’s enthusiasm was contagious and it energized him. But finally, he had to give up. His legs were dull and ached. Fortunately, before he had to say anything, a slow song started playing. For a moment he was afraid Sirius would want to keep dancing but he stopped.

“I think that’s the sign for us to take a breather,” Sirius said, grinning.

By the time they returned to bar they found that Peter had finished off Sirius’s abandoned drink. Sirius sighed at the sight.

“Oh Pete, you haven’t been here this whole time?”

Peter shrugged. “Maybe.”

“If I’d known—”

“It’s all right.” Peter insisted, picking at the fabric of his trousers with his hand. “Really. You were having fun.”

“We could have all had fun.” There was a hint of irritation in Sirius’s voice.

“We’re together now,” Remus said as he took a seat next to Peter. “We can make up for lost time.” He smiled at the people he was starting to think of as friends.

Sirius and Peter returned the smile. As the evening wore on and they drank and exchanged stories, Remus found himself glancing more and more at Sirius Black.


	4. Chapter 4

Lessons with James, Lily, and Sirius continued. Every now and then, Peter would join them and watch, throwing in a helpful tip or two when it came to learning new spells. Remus needed his advice as James and Sirius grew more frustrated at the more challenging spells. Remus knew that he could learn them. He knew the Patronus spell, after all, although that had taken a great deal of patience on both his and Dumbledore’s part. But knowing he could do it was not the same as finally accomplishing it.

They were in the middle of such a lesson. Sirius was with James and they were taking a break from teaching Remus a particularly difficult counterspell. James and Remus were sitting on arm chairs and Sirius was lounging on one of the couches. There was a cigarette in his mouth and, after tossing the pack to Remus, he was not the only one smoking.

“Sure you don’t want one, James? It’ll be like old times.” Sirius asked lazily.

James shook his head. “It wouldn’t be the same.”

“You’re right. McGonagall won’t find us and throw a fit.” Sirius laughed and a trail of smoke escaped his mouth as he did.

“I wondered why her hair turned so grey this past year.” Remus smirked.

“That’s all Sirius’s fault,” James said, pointing at his friend. “Headboys don’t break the rules.”

Sirius snorted. “Don’t believe that, the truth is—”

Before Sirius could finish the fire sparked. They all turned and saw Lily’s head appear in the fireplace.

“James?” There was something in her voice that Remus hadn’t heard since…

Since his parents had died and Caradoc had to hold him back.

“What is it?” James asked. In a second he had crouched down in front of the fire and Sirius was close behind him, gripping his shoulder.

“Come home,” Lily said. “Please come now.”

“What’s happened?” James asked. It was clear that he was suppressing a rising panic. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. It’s—just come home.”

“Lily, tell me. Just tell me.”

Lily took a deep breath. It was impossible to tell through the fire but there might have been tears in her eyes. “It’s your father.”

\---

It was a week after James’s father passed. James was supposed to be teaching Remus today but, under the circumstances, Sirius had taken his place. When he arrived, the usually animated man seemed listless. Though he put effort into focusing on the lesson, it was clear that his thoughts were elsewhere.

“No, now you’re putting too much spin into it. It’s like this. Spin and flick.” Sirius demonstrated. A spark shot out of his wand and exploded the pillow they’d been practicing on. Sirius blinked and lowered his wand. “…Not exactly like that.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“We don’t have to do this today.” Remus pointed his wand at the cinders and few strips of fabric that were left. “ _Evanesco._ ”

“Nice one.” Sirius said absently as the remains of the pillow disappeared. He kept staring ahead, eyes blank.

Remus tucked his wand into his pocket. “I could use a break.”

“You mean you think I need one.” Sirius turned to look at Remus as he spoke.

Remus allowed himself a small smile, hoping to bring some of the levity Sirius thrived on into the situation. “If only for the sake of pillows everywhere.”

Sirius considered it for a moment before shrugging. “Alright. For pillows’ sake,” he said dully.

The smile fell from Remus’s face once his attempt failed. “Would you like a drink?” Remus asked as they walked back to the den.

“Not unless you have alcohol.”

“It’s too early in the day for that,” Remus said, glancing back at his friend.

Sirius’s grin didn’t reach his eyes. “Oh, it’s never too early.”

Remus didn’t laugh. He did arch an eyebrow. “I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you.”

“You never do.”

As his mind went suddenly blank, Remus searched for something to say. “That’s because you’re not the one teaching me potions.” He managed.

“Like I said before, you’ve only had a year to catch up and you’re doing a damn good job at it.”

They reached the sofa and Sirius collapsed onto it immediately. Remus took a seat on the other end. He glanced at his companion.

“Some of the Order members missed their calling as teachers.”

Sirius laughed. “Don’t let McGonagall hear you say that about me.” The smile was quick to die on his face and he looked away, suddenly somber again.

Remus shifted. Now was the time. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Sirius seemed equally uncomfortable in his seat. “Dumbledore says I should. James and I have talked some but…” He shrugged, still avoiding Remus’s gaze.

Several long moments passed before Remus spoke. “Dumbledore told me the same thing. I never took his advice.”

Sirius turned to him. His grey eyes were wider than usual. “Who?”

“My parents.” Remus’s light tone belied the twist he felt in his stomach.

Sirius started to say something, stopped, then started again. “When?”

“Over a year ago.”

“…Voldemort?”

“Death Eaters, yes.”

The look of horror and pity in Sirius’s eyes was exactly the reason why Remus hadn’t told him earlier.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius spoke softly.

Remus couldn’t say it was a long time ago. He couldn’t say that he didn’t miss them every day. He couldn’t say that it got better with time because it hadn’t. The pain was still as raw and deep as it had been the day they died. The only difference was Remus had gotten better at ignoring it.

“I’m sorry for your loss too,” he said quietly.

Sirius looked away. “In all the ways that mattered, James’s dad was the only real father I’ve ever known. But I lived in his house for barely six months. I can’t imagine what James…” Sirius fell silent. At some point he had slumped forward in his seat.

“You lived with them?” Remus asked. He had not heard this story. He knew that Sirius had been disowned, of course, but he had no idea why. It hadn’t been right to press.

“After I ran away from home they took me in.” There was something hollow in his voice that spoke too clearly of his grief, either from Mr. Potter’s death or his own memories.

“You ran away? Is that why you were disowned?” Remus asked gently.

Sirius nodded. “My parents never wanted a Gryffindor for a son anyway. I was the first Black not to be sorted in Slytherin, did you know?”

“I didn’t.” Remus admitted. “But I knew of their reputation.”

“Yeah well, after I was sorted it was all downhill. The Potters are the only real parents I have.” As Sirius talked he folded his arms over his chest and, if Remus hadn’t been watching closely, he might not have noticed that Sirius was actually holding himself. For a moment, he looked closer to the vulnerable child he must have been years ago, as he struggled with the parents who would eventually drive him to run away.

Remus tried to imagine such a life. His parents had their flaws but they’d always tried to do what was best for him. They could have turned their backs on him so many times but they never had, even when he was bitten. They had loved him regardless.

Before Remus could say anything, Sirius clapped his hand on his leg, and started to get up. Sensing that the moment to speak had nearly escaped, Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand. Sirius turned back.

“We’re friends, right?” Remus started. “I just want you to know that when you’re ready— if you want to— you can always talk to me.”

Sirius lightly squeezed Remus’s hand. “I know,” he said and smiled briefly before tugging Remus onto his feet. “Let’s go blow up some more pillows.”

\---

The full moon set in the sky and the sun rose to replace it. Remus awakened to the feeling of the hard floor against his back and long cuts in his skin knitting together. He was fairly certain one bone had been moved back into place too. He blinked but had difficulty keeping his eyes open.

“Hey, Remus? Can you hear me?” This time it was not Caradoc. It was Sirius.

“What?” Remus asked groggily. He was finally able to keep his eyes open but it was a while longer until they focused. He couldn’t see anything more than the outline of Sirius’s features. The first thing Remus saw clearly was Sirius’s black hair, falling onto his face beautifully and perfectly even at this hour.

“Never mind.” Sirius leaned over Remus, brushing his own long, dark hair out of his face. “Caradoc was right. You look even worse than last time.”

“Thanks.” Remus groaned. “Where is he?”

“Order business.” Sirius replied lightly. “He said to say hi for him and to tell you he thinks you’re better off with me anyway. So, feel like getting up or do you like sleeping on the hard floor?”

“Neither but I’ll get up anyway.”

“Good man.”

Sirius put his arm around Remus’s waist and helped him first to sit, then stand. Remus leaned heavily on him as they made their way to the bed. He stumbled twice but Sirius caught him both times.

“Does this mean I owe you another drink?” Sirius joked.

“No, this means I owe you a drink.”

“Oh, well as long as we’re even. Here we go.”

Sirius supported Remus as he crawled onto the bed. He moved away to find Skin-Debreaker. “Let’s see.” He looked Remus’s body over. “Arms and legs again.”

“It’s harder to bite anywhere else.” Remus muttered. He lay on top of the blankets, not caring that he was fully exposed. In time, the pain would fade and his own self-consciousness would rise to the surface but not yet.

“Sometimes flexibility is overrated.” Sirius took Remus’s right arm and massaged the tension out of Remus’s right arm. He kept glancing at the scars nearby, on Remus’s chest and shoulder. It took him a while but he finally worked himself up to asking the question he had not voiced before. “Is that…?” He waved briefly at the scarred patch of skin.

“Yes, that’s where I was bitten.”

“You must have been very young.” He had evidently noticed that the scar was small and somewhat warped from Remus’s skin stretching as he aged.

“I was six. I don’t remember much of what happened that night.”

“Must have been hard, growing up with it.”

“I got used to it. I had to. I don’t even remember what it was like before.” He admitted.

Sirius’s expression changed. It wasn’t pity. No, this was sympathy and something else. “I wish I had your strength.” Sirius reached for the bottle of Skin De-Breaker and set to work on his injuries.

Remus gave Sirius a sharp look but as far as he could tell, the man was genuine. “My strength? After everything you’ve been through you think I’m—”

Sirius lifted his gaze to Remus’s and his grey eyes were piercing. “To go through this once a month? Yes, I do. I doubt I’d have been able to. I’d go mad or…” Sirius shrugged. He was done with Remus’s right arm so he switched to his left.

Remus was silent, letting Sirius’s hands pass over him. If he weren’t in a state close to agony, he might have enjoyed the attention. Sirius was quiet, letting Remus come as close to sleep as possible. When he was done, he pulled the blankets over him, careful not to disturb his friend. He hesitated for a moment before leaving.

“Call if you need me.” He said.

“Thank you.” Remus mumbled.

“Any time,” Sirius said softly. “Any time at all.”

\---

Remus saw Sirius a great deal over the course of the month. James was caught up more and more in planning his wedding, which was a scarce few months away. Lily was too and Remus had mixed reactions to that and the cessation of his lessons with her. On the one hand, Lily was a lovely, capable, and friendly young woman. On the other hand, Remus was simply atrocious at potions although he did well enough in charms. While Lily assured him that potions would be helpful if he learned how to brew his own healing potions, Remus had serious doubts that he would ever achieve even rudimentary skills in the subject.

There was another benefit to their absence, though Remus barely admitted it even to himself. Sirius was a joy to be around. His laughter was contagious and he brought a smile to Remus’s face more often than not. There were times when they were both frustrated with the spell work but then one of them would crack a joke and the tension eased.

He learned a lot about Sirius, some good and some bad. He’d been a hellion during his years at Hogwarts and that hadn’t ended. One time after an Order meeting he transfigured Caradoc’s shoes into plush rabbits that bounded around without his permission, leading him to hop about the room. While some of the Order members had enjoyed it, Remus scowled, and, in a surprising display of his newfound prowess, transfigured them back to normal. The action had endeared him to Caradoc and set Sirius sulking. Remus never told him that if it had been anyone other than Caradoc he might have been laughing with everyone else.

But Sirius had many good qualities. He was a steadfastly loyal friend. And so Remus would miss him all the more as his first mission came closer. Worse yet, it would be over the full moon. Caradoc was busy as well, having been paired with James and Sirius to ensure they didn’t make amateur mistakes. Remus wasn’t sure who would help him once his transformation was over.

Sirius came early to the headquarters, as usual. The others wouldn’t show for some time but when they did, Remus wouldn’t see them again for some time. Or ever.

“You don’t have to worry. Sirius said, noting how Remus remained standing while Sirius had taken a seat on the chair. He was leaning forward instead of lounging as he normally did.

“I know. You’ll be fine. You all will,” Remus said almost mechanically.

“Like I said, don’t worry. We’ll be with Caradoc and you’ve seen James and me in action. We can take care of ourselves.”

Remus took a seat across from Sirius, leaning forward slightly and resting his hand on his knee. “I know that. I just wish I was going with you.”

“You’re good enough at dueling to go. Still, I’d rather have you here.” Sirius admitted, shifting in his seat.

Remus’s eyebrows lifted at that. “So I won’t get in the way?”

“So you’ll be safe—”

Midway through the word safe the doorbell rang. Still muddled from Sirius’s words, Remus rose without saying anything and opened the door. It was Caradoc.

“Hullo, Remus.” Cardoc nodded and walked past his friend. “Am I early?”

Remus closed and locked the door. “That depends on how you look at it,” he said. “Sirius is already here.”

“Already?” Caradoc started walking down the hall. “He’s late for everything.”

“I heard that.” Sirius called from further in the house.

“I see you didn’t bring your motorcycle.”

Remus walked back into the den in time to see Caradoc practically fall onto the couch, seemingly at peace with the world but Remus could read the tension in his jaw, clenching after he finished talking.

“And risk her getting scratched? Not a chance.” Sirius smiled.

“Pity. I wanted to get even for the rabbits.”

Sirius smile faltered. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Caradoc, play nice.” Remus interjected as he settled once again into his seat.

“I had no problems with him before that.” Caradoc grumbled.

“Which is another way of saying he started it.” Remus commented lightly.

“I _did_ start it.” Sirius’s eyes shone as he grinned. “And I have no regrets.”

“I do,” Remus said. “I had to clean up after you.”

“Thanks for that again.” Caradoc stretched his arms and legs before leaning back against the couch once more. “I would have done it myself but it’s hard to concentrate when you’re randomly leaping around the room.”

“You just can’t take a joke.” Sirius put his hands behind his head and smirked at Caradoc.

“I shudder to think what you were like at school,” Remus said.

He tilted his head as he thought he heard a crackle in the fireplace. He was not the only one as soon both Sirius and Caradoc were poised to stand.

“Are you expecting James by floo?” Caradoc asked Remus, not taking his eyes off the small fire.

“No.”

No sooner had Remus answered than the fire erupted into a human form, quickly whirling about the fireplace before he ducked and stepped out. Three wands were pointed at the supposed intruder.

Peter Pettigrew raised his hands in the air. “It’s me!” He wheezed. “Sorry I forgot to warn you but I was having trouble with the Patronus spell. I wanted to see you off and didn’t want to call too much attention with everyone showing up on your doorstep and—”

Sirius laughed and set his wand away. He quickly stood and went over to his friend, brushing off some of the ash that had rubbed off on him. “You almost scared us there, Pete. but I’m glad you’re here.” He clapped his hand on the man’s shoulder and guided him to the couch. “Oh, that reminds me.” Sirius hadn’t yet taken his seat and he turned to Remus. “Peter will be staying with you for the full moon.”

Remus quickly looked to Peter, who simply nodded although he was looking at Sirius instead of meeting his gaze.

“You don’t mind?” Remus asked.

Peter nodded again but he wrung his hands. “Yes. I mean no, I don’t. I don’t have work that morning so I thought— I mean I’m no good with healing spells but—”

“You don’t have to be.” Sirius interrupted him. “Just use Skin De-Breaker and dittany like I said.” He smiled at Remus. “Don’t worry. I promise he won’t mess up.”

“It didn’t cross my mind.” Remus replied. He was more concerned about how comfortable Peter was dealing with a werewolf after the full moon was over. Remus would not only be covered in bruises and injuries wrought by a violent, bloodthirsty werewolf but he would be completely exposed and vulnerable.

“Good.” Sirius continued. “Trust me, it might not seem like it but you’re in good hands.” He took a seat in the chair across from Remus and gave him a winning smile. Under his gaze, Remus forgot his misgivings.

Some time passed and the conversation flowed between the four of them. They all avoided talking about the upcoming mission but it lingered in the air between them all, unspoken but not ignored. Remus felt a pang of guilt at the knowledge that his friends would soon be out there risking their lives while Remus remained behind. It was something he was all too familiar with. But he had to accept that fighting was not the role Remus was destined for. Dumbledore had other plans for him. But all he knew at this point was that he and Peter were staying behind. Both of them were conscious of that fact and they exchanged grim glances every now and then, knowing that this could be the last time they spoke to Caradoc or Sirius.

James arrived late but when he did he brought Lily. Both of their jaws were set and James looked dejected while Lily was full of a determination that shone in both her expression and her eyes. Remus hadn’t known what to make of it until they reached the living room and Lily announced:

“I’m coming with you.”

Sirius stood immediately. “Lily, you don’t have to. We can—”

“I’m going, Sirius. So we can either waste time arguing or you can accept that nothing you can say will change my mind.”

Sirius stared at her for a moment before nodding. “Alright.” He reached out and touched her arm. She didn’t move away or shrug him off but accepted the display of affection.

“Let’s go.” James said. “Before _I_ change my mind.”

Remus doubted that would have mattered to Lily. The young woman turned, surely to say something, but either she changed her mind or Remus had misjudged her for she took James’s hand in her own.

Caradoc stood. “I’m ready.”

“Be careful,” Peter said.

Remus stared at his friends. He wanted to hug each of them. He wanted to tell them that what they had done for him meant the world. Instead his tongue twisted into knots and a shadow fell over his heart.

“We’ll be all right.” Lily said. She went over to Remus and kissed his forehead then did the same to Peter. “Try not to get into trouble without us.”

“And if you do, tell us about it when we get back.” Sirius smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I will.” Remus tried to return Sirius’s smile but it faltered too quickly.

One by one, he watched them leave. When it was over, he sank onto the couch next to Peter. They looked at each other in silence and drew solace in the fact that at least they were not alone in their fears.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus was only half conscious when Peter arrived the morning after the full moon. Somehow, most likely with the use of a spell, the man had gotten Remus onto his bed. The light filtering in through the windows brought Remus out of his haze. He was half covered by the blankets. Peter was blushing furiously as he tended to his wounds.

“Mm.” He tried speaking.

Peter started. “Remus?”

“Mmhm. Yes.” Remus croaked. He cleared his throat. “Bad night.”

“It looks that way.” Peter stammered. From the smell of it, he was pouring dittany onto a wound on Remus’s side, then moved to a gash on his thigh.

“Hear anything?” Remus did not need to clarify what he was asking about. They had both been worried about their friends.

“Nothing. But no news is good news, right?” Peter didn’t sound hopeful though, just nervous.

“Right.” The world had taken on that surreal quality where the only thing tethering him to lucidity was pain. Through that, it was hard to focus on anything. “You’ve been their friend for a while.”

“Since I was sorted. Well, for James and Sirius. Lily didn’t like me until recently.”

“Lily?”

Peter seemed to be relieved that they’d latched onto a subject and started to talk hurriedly, almost too fast for Remus to understand. “You see, Lily hated James until Sixth Year. Only I don’t think she really hated him as much as she claimed to. She thought he was arrogant and mean and hated that he broke all the rules.”

“Was he?” Remus blurted out.

“No.” Peter paused for a moment. “I mean, he got into trouble but any time he hexed a student they had it coming. So no, he wasn’t mean. He’s calmed down since then. Sirius too, but not by much.”

“Sirius is the definition of wild.” Remus mumbled. “But in a good way.”

Remus didn’t see Peter’s smile.

“Yes, in a good way.” He agreed. “He really likes you.”

“Sirius?”

“Yes. You know that, right?”

“Mm…” Remus closed his eyes but that could not block out the sunlight. Mercifully, the pain had numbed and he was dimly aware that Peter had finished and stepped away. “I like him too.”

“Ah, I thought so.”

“Peter?” Remus summoned enough energy to grab the blankets and pull them up over his chest. The fabric rubbed against his mending wounds but it was a flash of pain and nothing more.

“Yes?”

“What about you?” Remus opened his eyes and saw Peter sitting next to him in a conjured chair.

“Me?”

“Yes, what were you like at school?” The words were faint and indistinct but Peter seemed to understand them.

“Not very exciting. I mostly followed Sirius and James around. They got me into a lot of trouble but it was worth it.” He stopped for a moment and sighed. “I miss those days.”

“Wish I could have been there,” Remus said. He could feel sleep drifting closer and closer but every time he reached for it, it evaded his grasp.

“Me too. I think we really would have got along. I mean, we do get along now. Right?”

“Right.” Remus echoed. “We… do…”

“I’ll let you sleep now.”

But Peter’s voice had already faded as sleep claimed Remus.

\---

When Remus woke again, he was slow to rise. Peter’s care was not as skilled as either Sirius or Caradoc’s and his bandages were somewhat haphazard. Still, it was better than the care he’d received during his few trips to the Ministry’s werewolf holding cells and, given the choice, he would take it gladly. He stepped hesitantly toward the door, wincing as he put his weight on his left foot. He had not been kind to himself last night.

“Peter?” He called but received no response. “Peter!” He tried again, louder.

There was the sound of someone scurrying across the floor and soon Peter came into view.

“You shouldn’t be up.” He chided quietly and went over to support Remus, arm around his waist.

“I’m fine.” Remus insisted but he had no other choice but to let Peter guide him. “I can go on my own.”

“If I let you then everyone will get on my case.” Peter started to turn him around. The muscle in the corner of his mouth was twitching.

Something wasn’t right.

“At least let me go to the den. I’ll lie on the couch.”

Peter hesitated. Then, exhaling deeply, he helped Remus forward instead of back. “Alright, but if I get into trouble it’s your fault.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone and you won’t be getting detention.”

Peter didn’t laugh.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Remus asked as they neared the den.

“Wrong?” Peter choked. His wide eyed gaze turned on Remus in alarm. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Remus analyzed his expression and everything he’d said. It wasn’t anything to do with the mission. Sirius, James, and Lily were his best friends and he would be distraught if anything happened. He’d be more frantic if someone had to come to headquarters for an emergency. This wasn’t personal. This was…

“Has there been another attack?” Remus could feel his stomach sink. Memories of the Dark Mark hovering over his home returned to him all too clearly.

Peter looked away. The twitch in his mouth had vanished but it was replaced by a deep frown. “A couple. I only knew them by sight. I think they were Sixth Years when I was a First Year. They had a small family.”

Remus felt faint. He stumbled but Peter was there to catch him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—” Peter tried to straighten Remus out so they could keep walking.

Remus placed his hand on Peter’s shoulder. “It’s all right,” he said though the words not only felt paltry but false.

They moved into the den and in a few moments Remus sank down onto the couch. He let out a sigh of relief now that his legs were no longer vigorously voicing their protests.

The Daily Prophet was on the coffee table in front of him. Remus immediately bent forward to take it but Peter’s hand covered his.

“Maybe you should wait.” His voice was soft and tremulous. “Until you recover.”

“No, I need to know.” In opposition to Peter’s reluctant voice, Remus’s was firm and full of conviction.

Peter withdrew his hand and Remus took the paper. He didn’t have to spread it. They attacks had made the front page. They always did. Remus wondered if that would change in time and the attacks would become so numerous that they would be pressed further back in the Prophet. He hoped he would never have to find out.

Peter’s gaze had flickered to the back of the paper but his eyes had glazed over. “Do you think the others are safe?”

Remus leaned back and cringed at the sudden stabbing sensation in his side. “No,” he said, too tired to placate Peter’s fears. “But none of us are.”

\---

It took several days for Remus to fully recover and by the time he did it was time for his friends to return. Remus tried reading. He tried doing busy work for the Order. He tried all sorts of things but none of them distracted him. He was halfway through reading a paragraph in a book on werewolf culture and customs when he heard the doorbell.

The book was quickly tossed onto the couch while Remus raced to answer the door. When he opened it, he found his four friends looking rather pale, with heavy circles under their eyes. James’s arm was wrapped firmly around Lily’s waist. Sirius was toward the back of the group and he cast a wary glance back toward the street. Remus was alarmed to see that he too was looking ragged and, plainly put, exhausted but it was more than that. They all had the look of someone who had faced something horrific.

Remus stepped back just as Caradoc ordered—not asked, ordered— him to give them room. 

They all moved in one after the other, nearly stepping on each other’s shoes to do so.

“What happened?” Remus asked once the door was closed. He fumbled with his wand as he magically locked it.

While the others glanced at each other Caradoc, the most seasoned of them, responded with one name. “Voldemort.”

For a second the world stopped and Remus had to look at each of his friends in turn to be sure that they were all right.

“You saw him?”

Caradoc nodded. “I’ve never seen anything like it. I thought we weren’t going to…”

“Come on.” Sirius laid his hand on Caradoc’s shoulder and guided him further back into the house. He stopped when he noticed that Remus had stayed still, unable to do more than watch them.

“Remus?”

It was an impulse, a reaction that Remus didn’t understand and couldn’t explain. One second he was standing there, stunned, and the next he had his arms around Sirius in a tight hug. Sirius raised his arms to hold him by his waist. They stood like that for several moments, reassured by the other’s presence.

“Do I get a hug too?” Caradoc asked. He tried to sound light but couldn’t hide his weariness.

“Do you want one?” Remus asked over Sirius’s shoulders. He hadn’t yet let go of him.

“I’ll take an arm over the shoulder.”

Remus withdrew from Sirius, whose arms seemed to linger around him. He walked over to Caradoc and did as he asked. Caradoc reached up to clasp his hand on Remus’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re all right,” Remus said softly.

“Me too.” Caradoc whispered back. “I told you I can take care of myself.”

“Many times.”

“Come on,” Sirius said shortly. “Let’s make sure James and Lily aren’t snogging on the couch.”

But they weren’t. Rather, the two were huddled together, hands clasped. Lily leaned into James, who let her rest her head on his shoulder.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand,” Remus said.

Sirius and Caradoc exchanged glances.

“Everything was going well until the end,” Sirius said slowly, looking past Remus.

“We were in the middle of a fight when _he_ appeared.” Caradoc finished.

“He’s not even human,” James said. “He looked like--”

“A monster.” Lily finished for him, finally looking up from the floor. “He’s a monster. There’s nothing human left.”

“And you fought him?”

“James and Lily did.” Sirius had folded his arms over his chest in a gesture Remus had grown to recognize as protective. “Caradoc and I had the rest of them. Merlin, but it was horrible. I don’t know how we got out of it.”

“We almost didn’t,” Lily said. She had lifted her head from James’s shoulder. Now that she had gathered herself together, the color had returned to her cheeks but her voice was still shaky.

“I’ll contact Dumbledore.” Remus could have kicked himself for not doing so earlier. “He’ll want to know you’re safe— and what happened.”

Remus took out his wand and called to mind a day spent with his parents from long ago. His wolf shaped Patronus ran off in search of the Headmaster.

“Is there anything I can get you?”

James shook his head. “I couldn’t eat anything if I tried.”

“Same.” Sirius echoed and the others nodded their assent.

Remus wanted to reach out and touch all of them. Whatever might have happened to them, they were here now and alive.

When Dumbledore arrived he had a conference with the four who had gone on the mission. Remus had been excluded but he was used to that. There was sensitive information involved and he did not wish to compromise Order security. After it was over, the others were quick to go back home. Lily gave Remus a hug before departing. James and Caradoc nodded. But Sirius remained behind, leaning against the wall and staring at Remus as Dumbledore made his own goodbye.

“How are your studies progressing?” Dumbledore asked.

“Very well, I think. I’ve read through everything you’ve given me. Maybe now I can be of some use.” Remus answered. He tried not to look back at Sirius. But he was too aware of the man’s presence and felt sure that his eyes were on him.

“Yes, I will discuss that with you at another time,” Dumbledore said. If Remus didn’t know him so well, he would say that Dumbledore’s voice was warm, but there was something grave lurking below the surface. “Until then, Remus. Sirius,” his gaze turned to the man, “I shall say again you have performed admirably as I knew you would. Thank you.”

Sirius nodded, arms still folded in front of him. “My pleasure.”

As Dumbledore made his exit, Remus turned to Sirius.

“You’re not going?” He asked.

Sirius shrugged and pushed himself off the wall. “I thought I’d keep you company for a bit,” he said and gestured to the couch.

Remus got the message and sat down on it. Sirius shortly followed suit and took his place next to Remus. Neither of them leaned back against the sofa. The tension was still all consuming but Remus was no longer sure if he could blame it on the mission.

“How was the full moon?”

If Remus were to be honest it was terrible but he was used to downplaying the truth. “It was all right. Peter took care of me.”

“You don’t look too good.” Sirius commented, turning his grey eyes on Remus.

“Ah,” Remus should have known better than to think that would convince Sirius Black. “It was rough but I’m better now. Peter did a good job patching me up.”

“I won’t miss the next one,” Sirius said. There was something out of place in his voice, a softness that Remus had not come to associate with the man.

Remus stared at him for a moment that stretched on longer than he meant it to. He didn’t know what to make of the promise. It was not something that Sirius should give. He had no way of knowing if he would be gone or not.

“I hope not,” Remus said. Without his noticing, his hand had drifted nearer to Sirius. “No offense to Peter, but you seem to have more experience with it.”

“Mm.”

Sirius didn’t smile. Remus sensed he had brought up something he shouldn’t have but before he could apologize he felt the warmth of Sirius’s hand close over his own.

“So you missed me?” It took a moment to realize that Sirius’s tone had not been teasing but sincere. His expression was uncharacteristically solemn, or perhaps something else, something that Remus had never had directed at himself. Something that made his heart beat faster in his chest.

“I did.”

They were on the verge of something, Remus recognized. He hadn’t thought to put words to how he felt for Sirius. All he knew was that he had longed for him when he was gone. He missed his exuberance, his odd laugh, and their conversations and banter. Next to that, his skills at healing Remus’s wounds were trivial.

Sirius slowly leaned closer, giving Remus time to back away but he didn’t. He found himself returning Sirius’s gaze, parting his lips, leaning in to meet him and—

The fire crackled. They both jumped back in time to see a figure revolving in the fireplace. Sirius let go of Remus’s hand and in an instant he had his wand out. He was pale and his muscles stretched tight across his body.

“Sorry, forgot my jacket,” Caradoc said as he stepped out onto the floor. “Oh, Sirius.” He nodded at the man. “Gathering your nerves before you head back? I’m surprised you haven’t started smoking yet.”

Sirius groaned and lowered his wand. “Oh, don’t remind me. I’m trying to quit.”

“Now who does Lily have wrapped around her finger?” Caradoc called as he went into the meeting room.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Tosser.”

Remus was on his feet before Sirius could look to him.

“Hey, wait.” Sirius called.

“I should help him find his jacket,” he said. He could feel all his internal organs twisting and lurching inside of him.

Caradoc had already found his jacket by the time Remus stepped inside, not that he needed to search for long as it was on his seat. Still, Remus stayed in for a while longer, waiting for his breathing to steady. Caradoc nodded his goodbye and Remus heard the crackle of floo powder in a few moments. Remus closed his eyes, inhaled, exhaled, and then stepped back into the den.

Sirius had lit up a cigarette and was holding it between his lips. Remus was overcome with the desire to grab it from him and crush his own lips to Sirius. He wanted to bury his fingers into that long, dark hair and hold him. In that instant he had no idea where that urge had come from or how long he’d had it.

Sirius looked up at him and lowered his cigarette away from his mouth. “Remus, if I startled you or—”

“It’s been a long day, Sirius and you’ve been through a lot. You should probably get some rest.” The words were out of Remus’s mouth before he could think them over. It was a dismissal, perhaps even a rejection. But at the time it was just what Remus needed because if not he didn’t know how much he would give to this man when he didn’t even know what he was ready to give.

Sirius seemed to sag as soon as the words were out of Remus’s mouth. “Alright,” he said and without another word he got up and walked to the door. Remus had no other choice but to follow to lock it behind him.

Right as Sirius was about to step through the open door, he turned to him. “Lesson’s tomorrow, right?”

Remus nearly sighed in relief. “Right.”

Sirius’s smile was faint but there. “I’ll see you then.”


	6. Chapter 6

When they picked up the lessons the next day, neither of them mentioned what had taken place the day before but the tension remained and it hung heavy in the air between them. When Sirius took Remus’s wand hand to correct his motion, Remus nearly expected it to spark and explode on them, but all they did was exchange tentative smiles.

In fact, they didn’t say much at all to each other that wasn’t related to the lessons until they took a break. Remus went to get them some water and when he returned he found that Sirius hadn’t taken his seat. It looked as if he’d been pacing.

“We should talk, shouldn’t we?” Remus asked as he handed Sirius a glass.

“I think so.” Sirius replied, sinking onto the couch.

To put well needed space between them, Remus sat on the chair. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he said. He stared into his water as he spoke.

“No, I am. I shouldn’t have—”

Remus didn’t let him finish. “Sirius, I didn’t mind. You were in shock and—”

There was an audible thunk as Sirius set his drink on the coffee table. “I was not in shock. Is that why you think I tried to—”

Remus briefly glanced up from his glass or at least he intended to. Somehow, just through his eyes alone, Sirius not only caught his gaze but held him captive. He had never seen Sirius like that: frustrated, upset, and part wild.

“I was not in shock,” Sirius said. “Remus is it really that hard to believe that I would _want_ to kiss you?”

Remus was speechless for a moment. Since yesterday, he had rationalized what almost happened again and again. Sirius was in shock and Remus was the closest person there. Sirius was just looking for comfort. Maybe Remus had even imagined or misinterpreted it. But at the same time, everything had fallen into place. He’d suspected Sirius was gay for some time and he knew, on some level, that they had been dancing around this for a while now. But to have Sirius come out and state his interest was something Remus didn’t know how to handle, just as he hadn’t been able to handle nearly kissing him.

“I suppose it is.” He mumbled, looking away.

“I don’t care that you’re a werewolf, you know that.” Sirius was still leaning forward and Remus could almost feel the man willing him to meet his gaze.

“Maybe you should,” he said quietly, setting his glass aside.

“Oh Merlin, Remus.” Sirius leaned back in his seat and ran his hands over his face. Once he pulled them away, his full attention was on Remus. “Do you think I care what other people think? Do you think it matters to me at all? I’ve seen what you’re like after the full moon. I’ve bandaged you myself and treated your wounds and I’m still interested in you.”

Remus couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. “Why?” He asked.

“What?” Sirius’s irritation had transformed into confusion.

“Why are you interested in me?”

Sirius didn’t need a moment to collect his thoughts. “Because you’re so much more than you think you are. You’re smart. You learn everything I throw at you. You have this subtle humor. You’re generous and always know when to cut in to stop a fight. There’s so many other things I can’t describe.” Sirius took a deep breath when he had finished. “And I really wish you would look at me right now.”

Remus did and he saw nothing but sincerity in Sirius’s features unless it was also anxiety at having bared his heart.

“And if you don’t feel the same about me I understand and I think—”

Before Sirius could continue, before Remus could second guess the impulse, Remus got out of his seat, closed the distance between them, and pressed his lips to Sirius’s. He had to grasp the arm of the couch to prevent himself from knocking into Sirius with all his weight. He had caught Sirius by surprise. He didn’t do anything at first, but after a moment, his eyes closed and he returned the kiss. He reached up to bury his fingers in Remus’s hair and hold him close. He ran his tongue along Remus’s mouth, encouraging him to part his lips and when he did, Sirius took advantage. He pressed his tongue inside. Remus moaned in response.

_This was what a kiss should feel like,_ he was dimly aware of thinking.

When they finally parted Remus was dizzy. “...Was that all right?” He asked.

Sirius’s fingers were still threaded in his hair. His lips were close. He nodded. “Definitely all right.” He leaned in for another kiss but Remus planted his hand on Sirius’s chest to hold him back.

“I want to know. Can we take things slow? You must have done all of this before but it’s still new to me.” Remus marveled at his ability to sound so calm given the circumstances. “I don’t want you to expect what I’m not ready to give. That’s not fair to either of us.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sirius said. With his free hand he reached up and stroked Remus’s cheek. “You’re worth waiting for.”

This time Sirius kissed him soft and slow, a gentle brush of their lips against the other. The lesson and the outside world were entirely forgotten. Remus never wanted to remember.

\---

Now that Sirius and Remus were a couple, lessons lasted a fair bit longer. They were not nearly as efficient as they used to be. A well done spell on Remus’s part would earn him a kiss from Sirius and sometimes that led into something more until they were snogging in the middle of the room, oblivious to everything around them. As much as Remus enjoyed it, he was aware that they needed to get more done. He might have asked James or Lily if it weren’t for the fact that they were both busy planning their wedding. Normally, he would have gone to Frank but Remus couldn’t reveal the reasons why Sirius’s lessons were not going according to plan.

“We have to stop doing this.” Remus gasped, coming down from the rush of a thorough lesson on snogging from one Sirius Black. They had somehow made their way from their makeshift practice room into the living room and from there to the couch.

Sirius suddenly lost the air in his lungs. “What?”

Remus could have kicked himself. “Not that!” He said quickly. “I meant the lessons. We’re hardly getting anything done.”

“Oh.” Sirius’s shoulders relaxed and he slumped back against the couch. He laughed. “We have gotten carried away.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Remus smiled.

His hand found its way to Sirius’s shirt and he grasped it, tugging him forward and into another kiss. He intended it to be light and brief but the moment Sirius’s lips touched his own, it turned searing. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’s waist and pulled him forward, closer to him and onto his lap. Remus went unresisting.

It was easier to kiss Sirius from this position. Remus’s arms went around Sirius’s shoulders and he moaned into his mouth. Sirius’s hands slipped under Remus’s shirt briefly before snaking down to hold him in place by his hips so he could rock forward and—

“Wait.” Remus pulled back.

Sirius let go of him immediately. “Sorry,” he said hurriedly. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Remus’s cheeks flushed. He hadn’t meant to tease Sirius like that but there were some things he just wasn’t ready for and that—that was one of them.

“It’s all right,” he said breathlessly. “We should… we should get back to the spells.”

“I think you need to catch your breath first.” Sirius’s smile crept back across his face.

“You’re not helping there.” Remus teased.

They both laughed, light and, on Remus’s part, breathless, but it was a welcome moment in this dark world.

Sirius reached for Remus’s hand, taking it in his own. “James and Lily’s wedding is coming up.”

“Yes, I might have heard them mention it once or twice.” Remus replied mildly.

“I need to get some new clothes for it. Maybe you can come with me? Give me some advice?”

Remus was too good at reading between the lines not to know what Sirius was really asking. “You want to buy me new robes?”

“That’s not what I said.” But Sirius must have seen it was useless to deny it. “…Yes. Unless you have some you can wear.” Sirius slowly drew his thumb over the back of Remus’s hand.

“Well, it’s—” The robes that Remus had in mind were patched, worn, and not in any condition to go out in without prompting ridicule. “I have something.” But the words were feeble and halfhearted.

“I’ll buy you something or hell, you can have one of my old robes and we’ll get it mended.” Sirius’s voice picked up speed as he spoke, the way it always did when he had an idea he was enamored with.

“Sirius…”

Remus tried to pull his hand away from Sirius’s but the other man held him firm.

“Please. It’ll give me an excuse to check out your arse.” Sirius joked but Remus could read the sincerity underlying his tone. He really wanted to treat Remus.

Remus felt more of his resolve fall away. “Alright. But I hope there won’t be any groping involved.”

Sirius leered. “Not unless you want it.”

Remus took one of the cushions and lightly smacked Sirius in the face. Sirius responded by tackling him back against the couch and kissing him until he was writhing.

“We’ll never get back to the lesson at this rate,” Remus said, lightly pushing Sirius back before they got carried away again.

“We’ll make it up tomorrow.” Sirius whispered into Remus’s lips. “Promise.”

\---

Remus mostly managed to get through shopping for new robes intact. Sirius kept trying to coerce him into letting Sirius buy him clothes he could wear every day but Remus drew the line there. They were shopping for formal robes only and that was that.

The two of them attracted attention when they went out and at various times Remus fought a blush, sure that people were assuming that he and Sirius were a couple. They hadn’t talked about keeping their relationship a secret but they had both taken steps to ensure that none of the Order members knew about them. It was, in Remus’s mind, simply common sense that their relationship remain a secret. At least, he thought it was.

Sirius was stretching his arms when Remus finally emerged from Madam Malkin’s side room, fitted perfectly in his new robes. He immediately stopped leaning against the wall.

“You look great.” He grinned.

“Thanks.” Remus could feel Sirius’s gaze going through him, and possibly his robes, while the man was at it. He shifted uncomfortably. “Dare I ask what this all costs?”

“Not much.” Madam Malkin turned to look at Sirius and there was something disapproving in her gaze, or so Remus thought. “Speaking of.”

Sirius reached into his pockets and took out a number of silver sickles. Apparently they had discussed payment while Remus was changing.

“I’ll be right out then,” Remus said as he disappeared to take off his dress robes and put on his normal clothes. When he got out again, he placed the new robes in his bag. Sirius held the door open for him and they stepped out with one last nod at Malkin.

“I think she suspected us,” Remus said once the door was closed.

“Of what?” Sirius started walking as he spoke.

“Of being together,” Remus said, falling into step next to his friend— boyfriend— next to Sirius.

“Oh.” Sirius shrugged. “She didn’t. I’ve gone out plenty of times with James and no one comments.”

“You have history with James. You went to school together. We haven’t.” Remus fought the impulse to touch his arm and slow them down so they could actually look at each other while talking.

“Why does it matter to you so much?” Sirius asked and finally turned to look at Remus.

“You don’t care if everyone knows you’re…” Remus trailed off, aware of a group of people walking nearby.

Sirius had the courtesy to wait until they passed before answering. “I probably should care more.” He admitted. “I’m not going to lie. It does make me nervous. It’s not like being obsessed with motorcycles, is it?”

“No, it’s not.” Remus agreed. He glanced around before looking ahead again. “I have no idea if our friends would even approve.”

“Other than James, Lily, and Pete.” Sirius added. “They’re fine with it.”

Remus took a deep breath. Of course he’d known that Sirius would tell them. They were, after all, nearly inseparable. Remus just wished he had the same faith in his other friends. “Where are we going?” He asked.

“I figured you’d be hungry.” Sirius turned to Remus and grinned. “What about a proper date?”

“Sirius—” Remus started.

“As far as everyone knows we’re two friends going out to eat.” The way Sirius sounded so cavalier about it was half irritating and half convincing.

Remus never could say no to his friends. “Alright. You’d know.”

Sirius stopped outside of Izchak’s Eatery. They didn’t have to wait long before being seated. Their conversation wandered from motorcycles to Hogwarts to Remus’s brief experiences at Muggle schools, which seemed to fascinate Sirius.

“I was tutored,” Sirius said. “So they don’t teach you astronomy and math is like Arithmancy without any of the magical properties?”

Remus nodded as he chewed his food. Once he swallowed he was able to reply. “Muggles aren’t as into astronomy. That’s more university level if they’re interested in space. I’m surprised Lily hasn’t told you any of this.”

“I never asked Lily. We haven’t been friends until lately. She couldn’t stand me at Hogwarts.” As he talked Sirius pushed his food around with his fork before finally taking a bite.

“Probably from all the pranks you pulled. I don’t think Head Girls appreciate that.”

“That and I was a little enthusiastic with hexes.” Sirius leaned back in his seat and smiled.

Remus groaned. “Tell me you didn’t hex her.”

“Lily? Oh no, James would have killed me. He was head over heels for her almost from the start. No, it was the Slytherins who were the problem.”

“I think I’m glad I didn’t go to Hogwarts with you. You would have been three handfuls to deal with.” Remus suddenly found his plate very interesting.

Sirius was quiet for a moment. “Does it bother you to talk about?”

“Not really.” Remus started then sighed. “Maybe a little.”

“Sorry.” Sirius couldn’t meet Remus’s gaze either. “Hogwarts was like an escape for me. I guess I got carried away talking about it.”

“It’s all right.” Remus insisted.

He finally looked up at Sirius, whose expression was not only solemn but distant. He had leaned forward in his seat and propped his head in his hands, elbow pressed to the table. It was hardly good table manners and the man must have known it, but neither of them cared.

Remus searched for something to say to draw Sirius out of his memories but Sirius beat him to it.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” He spoke as though he was shaking off circling clouds, the darkness in his voice turning to light. “I’m throwing James a bachelor party.”

Remus immediately flashed back to a particularly unpleasant time Caradoc dragged him to a bar. An overzealous, not to mention extremely drunk, woman had tried to seat herself in Remus’s lap. As embarrassed as he’d been then it wouldn’t compare to what Sirius had planned, he was sure.

“No,” he said.

“I haven’t even told you where we’re going.” Sirius protested.

“Will I like it?”

“Well, it is a Muggle strip club.”

“Oh, Merlin.” Remus moaned. “No.”

“If I have to suffer through then so should you.” Sirius insisted.

“No, no. Sirius, no.” If they weren’t in public Remus might have buried his face in his hands at the suggestion.

“It’s for James. Pete, Frank, and Caradoc will be there. It won’t be so bad. Just don’t look at the dancers and you’re—”

“They’ll be fawning all over us. I am not—” Realizing that he’d been raising his voice, Remus lowered it. “No, I’m not going.”

“We’ll get plastered and collapse at my place.” Sirius leaned forward and his hand moved across the table toward Remus.

“Absolutely not.”

“Remus.” Sirius looked at him, his eyes were wide and between that and the way his lips pushed together, Remus was forced to conclude that he was actually pouting. “Please.”


	7. Chapter 7

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.” Remus muttered.

The place was loud though not nearly as much as the clubs he sometimes frequented with his friends. Nor was it as crowded but those perks were canceled by the fact that practically naked young women were strutting around the stage, dancing around a pole, and…

Remus quickly looked away before he could react to the sight.

Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’s shoulder. “Come on, there they are.” He pointed to a table close to the stage and, grabbing Remus’s arm, pulled him forward.

“Oy, James!” Sirius called.

Their friends turned to look at them.

James waved. “About time you got here. I thought you were going to skip the fun.”

“Fun for you, maybe.” Sirius shot back. He took a seat next to his friend. They had saved a spot not only for him but Remus as well and he was able to sit beside Sirius.

Remus leaned into his boyfriend. “You owe me for this.” He whispered.

“I don’t know what you said to convince Remus to come here but I’m glad you did,” said Caradoc, who was seated on Remus’s other side. He clapped his hand on Remus’s back.

“I wish I could say the same,” Remus said.

“Just as long as you don’t tell where we went,” Frank said. “Alice would kill me.”

“And you think Lily wouldn’t?” James interjected.

“Look and don’t touch and you’re gold.” Sirius smiled as he waved over one of the girls so he could order beers for the lot of them.

That was where it all went wrong. Well, wrong was an exaggeration, but certainly Remus would classify it as awkward. It didn’t help that the place was designed for his gaze to continue to drift to the dancers, at least he would blame it on the way things were set up. After the first beer it was harder to resist the pull. The others, of course, were enthralled, save for Sirius who was having more fun watching his friends’ reactions.

When a girl came over in an attempt to get Sirius interested he instead nudged her to Peter, slipping her some Muggle money as he did so. Remus tried not to get jealous at the way he had touched her. After all, Sirius had never shown any indication of being interested in the other sex and he didn’t do so now.

By the time they were done for the evening, everyone was drunk, Remus included. None of them were capable of apparition and they called the Knight Bus to pick them up. The conductor shook his head at the sight of them and in a few moments they were filing outside of Sirius’s door.

Sirius fumbled with his wand to unlock the door. “Hold on, sorry. There.”

The lock clicked and Sirius opened the door. They stumbled inside and Sirius led them further in. The living room, and most likely the whole house, was spacious. The furniture wasn’t extravagant but expensive and designed mainly for comfort. To Remus’s surprise, the colors matched. There were either gold or (mostly) scarlet, Gryffindor colors. In fact, the crest of Gryffindor hung on the wall over the couch. On either side of it were bookcases. They mostly held textbooks from Hogwarts but there were more than a few books about defense against the dark arts and slightly fewer books on motorcycles, which were worn from use.

Of course, they all soon defiled the couch in an argument over who should pass out on it. Peter won by virtue of not only getting there first but also by being impossible to dislodge.

“I’ll just floo home.” Caradoc slurred.

“I think you drank too much even for that.” Remus pointed out, looking up from keeping watch on James, who had just collapsed on the floor.

“Am not. ‘S second nature,” Caradoc said as he stepped for the fireplace.

“Sirius, help me—” But Sirius was nowhere to be seen. “Sirius?”

“Over here.” Sirius called.

Remus followed his voice, ignoring the fire coming to life as Caradoc flooed home. He found Sirius in the kitchen, where the scarlet and gold had given way to muted but warm colors. Sirius had a bottle of firewhiskey in front of him and was working on a glass.

Drunk as he was, Remus still recognized that as a bad idea.

“No more.” Remus walked over and put the cap back on the bottle. He reached for the glass but Sirius moved it out of his reach.

“I’ll share it with you,” Sirius said, voice uneven and unsteady but at least he wasn’t slurring as much as Caradoc.

“I’m not going to drag you to bed when you pass out,” Remus said. He grabbed the bottle and went to put it back in the refrigerator.

“I hope you do that _before_ I pass out.” Sirius leered.

“I’m going to forget you said that.” Remus replied as he took a seat next to Sirius, just in case he fell over. There seemed to be no getting the glass out of his hand so he gave up on that for the moment.

“I didn’t know you like girls,” Sirius said without prompting.

Remus was thrown off for a few seconds before deciding to just go with whatever topic a drunken Sirius wanted to raise. “Didn’t you?”

“Thought you were like me,” he said. His dull eyes were on Remus.

“Half like you, half not,” Remus said, shrugging.

“I mean I knew you liked Caradoc…”

Remus wasn’t drinking but he nearly choked regardless. “What?”

“The way you looked at him. Sometimes I still think you look at him like that.” Sirius took a gulp of his drink before setting it down.

Remus reached for the glass but instead of setting it aside, he too took a drink. He had a feeling he would need it for this conversation.

“I like you, Sirius,” he said when he was done.

“Do you?” Sirius asked, pulling the glass out of Remus’s grip. Remus let him.

“Very, very much.” Remus paused. Then, because it seemed like a good idea at the time, he continued. “I’m not sure why you like me though.”

“Told you, I—”

“I keep thinking about what you said.”

“That you’re brilliant and amazing and all those other nice things?” Sirius smiled the slight, genuine smile of someone who meant exactly what he said.

“When you found out what I was.”

“Bi?” Sirius asked and then laughed.

“A werewolf.” Remus fought the urge to lightly smack Sirius, also the urge to kiss him and drop this line of conversation entirely.

“What’d I say?” Sirius blinked and his eyes, slightly off center, slid into focus again.

“That you liked me more after finding out I’m a werewolf.” Remus’s fingers ran over the edge of the table before he reached for the glass once again. “Because you know what your family and other people would think. You want to—”

Sirius lurched forward and grabbed his arm firmly. “That’s not why,” he said with such an intensity that blindsided Remus so badly he nearly knocked the glass over.

“Told you, didn’t I?” Sirius continued. “It’s because you’re strong. So much stronger than I ever could be to go through that kind of pain and still be the way you are. Giving and good and not bitter like...”

Even inebriated as he was, Remus could finish that sentence for Sirius. “Like you? You’re not bitter.”

“I am now,” Sirius said. He took the glass and drained it.

Remus watched him. “Why?”

“James is getting married in two days. He won’t have time for me.” Sirius pushed the glass away so he had room to set his arms on the table and rest his head against them. He was situated with his head to the side so he could still look up at Remus. “Glad I bought this table. ‘S comfy.”

Compelled, Remus reached out and ran his fingers through Sirius’s hair, now cut short so he wouldn’t scandalize Lily’s parents at the wedding.

“James will always be your best friend,” he said softly.

“Mm, I know.” Sirius closed his eyes. “Sometimes I think I’m not as important to him as he is to me.”

“You’re wrong.” Remus smoothed Sirius’s hair, entranced by the sensation of his fingers gliding across dark locks.

“Probably.”

They drifted into silence but this time Remus was the one to break it.

“Sirius?”

“Hmm?” Sirius opened his eyes again.

“I’ve been wondering.” Remus began. He finally drew his hand away.

“Yes, I’ve always been this damn attractive.” Sirius murmured into his arms.

Remus didn’t laugh this time. “How do you know so much about healing potions? You didn’t research it for me. You already knew.”

Sirius was quiet for some time and in that stretch of silence Remus came to regret being so free with his words. It was stupid of him. He never should have asked it, never would have under normal conditions. But no, he had to get drunk.

Sirius pushed himself up to a sitting position. His eyes were no longer clouded as he gazed at Remus. “Why do you think I hate my family?”

Remus felt his heart sink. “Sirius…”

But Sirius had stumbled onto his feet and was moving away. Perhaps normally Remus would have let him go to collect himself, but he stood up and went after him. When his arm closed around him, Sirius spun back to face him. He placed his hand on the back of Remus’s neck and pulled him into a kiss.

Stunned, Remus didn’t return the kiss at first, then his eyes closed and he pressed his lips to Sirius’s but in a moment Sirius had pulled away only to trail kisses down Remus’s neck.

“Want to forget,” he said. His hands slipped under Remus’s shirt. They were cold. Remus shivered under the touch.

“Help me.” Sirius mumbled.

If Remus had any sense he would have guided Sirius’s hands away from his body, kissed his forehead, and helped him find somewhere comfortable to spend the night alone. If he had any sense he wouldn’t have wrapped his arm around Sirius and pulled him closer. He wouldn’t have tilted Sirius’s head up so they could kiss again with almost enough force to bruise. Unfortunately, at least for the moment, Remus didn’t have any sense. Because he wanted to feel Sirius leaning into him, hands spreading over his body as he touched him. He longed for this so badly it almost hurt to think of them apart.

But then Sirius pulled away. Remus nearly whimpered at the sudden cold where Sirius’s warm body had been but Sirius took his hand and pulled him through the house. They stopped every now and then to kiss and Remus found his hands wandering over Sirius, just as Sirius returned the act.

They nearly tripped over each other on their way to Sirius’s bedroom, Remus was too distracted to fully examine the room. Like the rest of the house, it was in a red and gold color theme. There were also Muggle posters of motorcycles. Remus did see the picture on the nightstand as one of Sirius at Hogwarts with his friends James and Peter. That was the limit to what Remus noticed, aside from the fact that the bed was king sized and extremely comfortable, even when he fell on it under Sirius’s weight. Actually, the fact that Sirius was on top of him only made the bed more comfortable.

The usually calm and collected Sirius Black was fumbling with Remus’s clothes. Remus’s shirt was the first to go. Just when Sirius was tackling his trousers, Remus’s hands closed over his hands.

“Not yet,” he said and tugged at Sirius’s shirt, pulling it up over his head and tossing it aside, paying no attention to where it had been discarded.

Remus had never seen Sirius shirtless before and he was not disappointed by the sight. His skin was smooth, unlike Remus’s, and his muscles were well developed and begged to be touched. Unable to resist, Remus ran his hands over them.

Sirius brought his lips to Remus’s. Once again he reached for Remus’s trousers, undoing first the button and then the fly.

Remus had just enough sense to catch Sirius’s hands but almost at the same moment Sirius rolled his hips forward against him. Remus pulled away from the kiss and gasped. In spite of himself, he moved back, rocking into Sirius. He had to bite his lip to hold back a cry of pleasure, still aware of the fact that their two friends were lying in the living room.

But oh God, this was too much. Sirius hadn’t stopped moving against him and each time their hips met their cocks brushed. Even through the fabric, the contact left Remus shuddering.

“Sirius…” He moaned.

Sirius was still leaning over him and he turned his head to whisper into Remus’s ear. “I want you.”

While one of Sirius’s hand supported him, the other ran over Remus’s torso, passing over grooves and rises in the skin cause by the crisscrossing of many scars, new and old. Remus whimpered. Sirius then slipped his hand under Remus’s pants and stopped rocking his hips against him.

This time biting his lips had no effect. Remus cried out as Sirius touched his cock, palm circling around him. “Sirius…” As good as this felt, Remus knew it couldn’t go any further. But what they’d just been doing…

Remus’s hand closed over Sirius’s wrist and pulled him away.

“Sorry.” Sirius mumbled.

He was about to roll away when Remus’s hands found the man’s hips and pulled him closer just as Remus bucked forward and into him. This time it was Sirius to cry out. In a moment, he was over Remus again. His hand went up to cup his cheek and hold him in place for a long, desperate kiss.

“Remus.” Sirius sighed when he pulled away, still rocking against him. “Merlin, you’re perfect.”

Remus was too drunk to do more than think about disagreeing. His fingers dug into Sirius’s black hair and he pulled him close for another kiss. All along, the tension built both inside and between them. Remus had to pull away from Sirius, making first soft noises of encouragement and then biting his lip once more to stifle his cries.

He’d gotten himself off before but it had never been like this. He was the only one to touch himself. Until Sirius threw everything into upheaval, he was convinced that no one would want to see him like this, chest exposed and trousers undone, pushed lower by the force of their grinding.

“Sirius.” He groaned and wrapped his arms around his back, hands going up to feel up past his shoulder blades until he was gripping his lover’s shoulders.

“Mm,” was Sirius’s reply as he left love bites on Remus’s lower neck, kissing, sucking, and at times nibbling his exposed flesh, making his way to Remus’s shoulder.

Under Sirius’s devoted attention, Remus couldn’t resist for long, clothed though they both were. There was pleasure coursing through his body with every thrust against the other and in time it was pounding through his veins with every heartbeat until finally it overtook him completely. In its wake everything was blissfully clear and blank.

Dimly, he was aware that Sirius was still moving against him, searching for his own release. Without thinking Remus helped him undo his trousers and in the matter of a few moments he was touching Sirius, feeling the length of his cock and taking its weight in his hand as he stroked. His motions were clumsy and awkward but Sirius didn’t seem to mind, judging by his cries and soon his entire muscles tensed as he came in Remus’s hand.

Sirius rolled onto his back beside Remus, panting as he came back down from his climax. When he had mostly caught his breath, he turned to Remus, who leaned forward and they both met in a kiss, short though it was, before Sirius pulled away. He wound his arm around Remus and, lying flat on his back, pulled the man against him. Remus rested his head on Sirius’s chest. The man’s heart was beating frantically but slowed with each passing moment.

They said nothing but Sirius threaded his fingers in Remus’s hair, slowly stroking down his head until his fingers stilled at the same time as his breathing steadied into soft, deep breaths. It was only then that Remus closed his eyes and let himself be lulled to sleep by Sirius’s heartbeat.


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Remus was aware of when he woke was the feeling of skin pressed against his cheek. The second thing was that he had his arm wrapped around someone and that his leg was splayed over that certain someone’s thigh. The third thing he noticed was the throbbing in his head.

_Sirius._ Remus opened his eyes and his suspicions were confirmed. He gazed up at Sirius’s face, calm in sleep and turned towards him.

It didn’t take long for his mind to summon the memories of last night, hazy and indistinct but still overwhelming. His face burned at the thought. He couldn’t even put a name to what they had done. It hadn’t been actual sex (had it?) but the lines were blurred when they got off on each other. Sirius had even come in Remus’s hand. Remus didn’t know how to make sense of it.

Remus gently pulled away from Sirius, holding his breath. He didn’t want to wake Sirius. He wasn’t yet ready for a confrontation. What he needed to do was use the loo, collect his thoughts, and then… well, he didn’t know what would happen then.

Of course, that was not what Remus got. Sirius stirred as soon as Remus moved away and his eyes fluttered open.

“Remus?” Sirius sounded just as confused as Remus felt, but judging from the way the man’s wide eyes returned to normal, it passed. “Did we?” As Sirius spoke, he sat up. His gaze passed over Remus’s body, taking in his half clothed state.

“Not exactly.” Remus looked down at himself and could have groaned. He’d forgotten that he hadn’t cleaned up after they were done.

“Yeah, I’ll have to lend you some clothes.” Sirius rubbed at his forehead and winced as he spoke. He was remarkably calm considering the situation. Remus supposed he must have done this before a few times. That didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, it only made him feel worse.

“I’ll floo back home. It won’t matter.” Remus had to take a deep breath to steady himself as he looked about the room for his shirt.

“Remus?” Sirius’s voice was unsteady. Perhaps now that the sun was rising in the sky it was at last beginning to dawn on him that Remus was not entirely all right.

Remus couldn’t bring himself to look back at Sirius. He had finally found his shirt across the room and he went to grab it.

“Are you O.K.?”

“Never better.” Remus tried to sound light. He pulled his shirt over his chest, covering up the layers of scars.

Sirius shifted and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he could stand. He reached out to touch Remus’s arm just as Remus turned to face him.

Sirius’s face was full of concern. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“You didn’t,” Remus said, forcing himself to meet those grey eyes. “We were both drunk, Sirius. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Sirius lowered his hand and, however slightly, he shrank away from Remus.

“I meant,” Remus quickly started. “I might not have done it otherwise but I don’t regret it.”

“Don’t you?” Sirius asked. He cast his eyes for his own shirt and quickly found it. Turning aside, he walked over to it and soon his torso was covered by crimson fabric.

Remus paused as he figured out how to stretch the truth into something Sirius could swallow. “I wish it hadn’t been like that.” He admitted.

Sirius looked back at Remus. He didn’t bother straightening his shirt, it rode high up his stomach, exposing a sliver of skin. It occurred to Remus that, for the first time in memory, Sirius’s hair was out of order. And damn him, he still looked as handsome as ever. Then Sirius smiled and Remus found himself returning it.

“Then next time let’s avoid drinking.”

Next time…

Remus laughed, more out of nerves than anything else. “Right, uhm. I think I need to get back. I’m not sure that Hestia was expecting me to be out all night.”

“Remus?”

“I’ll just go.” Remus didn’t wait for a response before hurrying out of the room. He was grateful that Sirius didn’t follow.

In hindsight, Remus should have expected Sirius to come after him. Remus had showered and changed his clothes. At first he’d tried lying down but his mind was racing too much to stand still. Unfortunately, he wasn’t any good at practicing his spells either so he kept alternating between walking the length of the living room and sitting down on the couch.

When Sirius flooed, Remus was seated with his head in his hands.

“Remus?”

He looked up and stared into Sirius’s face, wreathed in flames.

“Can we talk?”

Remus watched him for a bit. The man’s brow was furrowed and even through the fire Remus could see the concern and anxiety in his eyes.

“Shouldn’t you be with James?”

“He’s still asleep. He can manage just fine without me.”

So much for that hope. Still, Remus supposed they should just get this over with. “Alright. Do you want to come here?”

“Yeah. Just a sec.”

Sirius’s face disappeared from the fire and less than half a minute later his body replaced it. He stepped out of the fireplace. Much as he was trying to stay relaxed, there were subtle lines of tension on his face and he was holding himself too straight.

“I’m sorry about last night.”

“I told you. It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” Sirius snapped. He stepped closer to Remus. “Stop telling me it’s fine when it’s not.”

Remus leaned back against the couch. He met Sirius’s eyes and didn’t flinch away, no matter how badly he wanted to. “Sirius, that was the first time I’ve ever done that. And it is all right but I need some time to process it.”

Sirius sighed and slumped down onto the couch next to Remus. He managed to sprawl out without ever touching him. “I didn’t mean to push you.”

“I know.” Remus paused then reached out and placed his hand over Sirius’s.

Sirius slowly looked from their hands to Remus’s face. His eyes were wary, unsure of what to anticipate.

“It was—” Remus choked on his words for a few moments before he could continue. “Really good.”

“Was it?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah.”

“It gets a lot better.”

“About that—” Remus glanced away as he spoke.

Sirius cut him off before he could continue. “I can wait.”

Remus blinked once, then stared. “What?”

“I told you before. I can wait.” Sirius turned his hand beneath Remus’s and wove their fingers together. “You mean a lot to me, Remus. I don’t mind.”

Remus idly moved his thumb over the back of Sirius’s hand. “I thought I’d drive you mad by now.”

Sirius grinned. “I’m already mad.”

“You prove that every day.” Remus could breathe easier now. The fear that had pooled in his stomach ever since this morning was washing away steadily with each word spoken by Sirius.

Remus smiled. “Let’s not get drunk together again.”

“I promise.”

“And I’ll let you know when I’m ready for a next time.” Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius.

James ended up waiting for his best man to return for some time.

\---

The next day was the wedding. Remus had prepared himself for a crowd but there were fewer guests than anticipated. No doubt some of them wanted to avoid large crowds lest they attract Death Eaters. But if any of them were foolish enough to attack, they would be disappointed. Most of the Order was here, and most, being former classmates of the couple, didn’t have to come up with excuses for their presence. Remus was dismissed as a friend Lily met through work and no one looked too closely into that. After all, the attention was focused elsewhere.

Lily glowed. She had opted to forgo formal robes and went with the Muggle tradition of a long, white dress. Her red hair was held up and locks of it fell down about her face in ringlets. Her green eyes shone and none could match the way her face beamed, none save James who looked as though he couldn’t believe his luck.

Whatever issues Sirius had with Lily were evidently long past. His speech, when he delivered it, was as heartfelt as it was hilarious. He began with his own view of James and Lily’s at first turbulent relationship and then their blossoming love, all the way to the present. There were, of course, some asides. What was truly the touching moment came at the end of the speech.

“James,” Sirius raised his glass higher as he spoke and turned his eyes from the guests to his best friend. “You not only took me into your home but you welcomed me as a lost brother. I will never forget that or the laughs we have shared. I look forward to sharing many more, with you and your family.” He smiled and looked to James’s bride. “Lily, I know you hated me at first.” That drew several laughs from the crowd. “But you gave me a second chance when other people would—and have—given up on me. You are kind, and wonderful, and thank God that you’re forgiving, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.” More laughs, including a distinctive bark of a laugh that came from Sirius. “I couldn’t be prouder to call you both two of my best friends.” He took a deep, unsteady breath. “To Mr. and Mrs. Potter, our family and our friends.”

After the maid of honor gave her speech, James and Lily swept out onto the dance floor. Even from a distance, Remus could see how their eyes glowed with happiness. Neither of them could stop smiling, not even when they kissed, as they so frequently did. Remus’s attention finally drew away when Sirius approached, pulled out a chair from next to Remus, and sank onto it.

“So how did I do?” Sirius asked Remus but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the happy couple just yet. There was still that grin on his face and he cupped his chin in his hand as he watched his friends.

“Brilliantly, as usual. I think I saw James blush seven different shades when you talked about how he’d go on about Lily.” Remus replied and he at least could look away from James and Lily.

“It serves him right. I can’t tell you how many times I almost shoved a pillow down his throat.” Sirius laughed. “And now here they are.”

Remus tried to tear his gaze from Sirius but the man was captivating. He was dressed in a Muggle tuxedo, possibly to please Lily’s parents, possibly just because he could. And while his black hair was cut short, it still suited him. More than that, there was something in his expression that Remus had never seen before, a mix of pride and happiness and something wistful. Merlin, but he looked beautiful.

The first song faded into nothing and a livelier one took its place. Sirius looked at Remus and was about to say something when he was tapped on the shoulder by the maid of honor, a lovely looking brunette, slender and elegant, wearing a form fitting green dress.

“I believe the groom needs to dance with the maid of honor,” she said, smiling. “It’s tradition.”

“Oh, you know I’m not one for tradition.” Sirius responded lightly.

“No, but you do like to have fun don’t you?” Remus could have sworn that the woman’s eyes sparkled as she talked. One thing Remus could say for her, she didn’t give up.

“Mary…” Sirius started to protest.

She laughed and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. “One dance and it will be over.”

Sirius cast a look at Remus that was half apologetic, half pleading to be set free but he was soon pulled away. Once on the dance floor his misgivings vanished and one hand found its way to Mary’s waist while the other took her hand. Remus had to admit, Sirius was as good at ball room dancing as he was clubbing. But the sight of him in someone else’s arms left a foul taste in his mouth, even if he knew it was meaningless and just for show.

So he sat where he was, watching the couples swirl over the dance floor. His gaze went more often to James and Lily, whose happiness was so contagious that at times Remus almost felt himself laughing along with them. Alice and Frank were also having a lovely time, as were the married couples in the Order. As for the unmarried ones, well, Fabian and Gideon were having a grand time chatting with Lily’s friends and succeeded in getting several of them to agree to dances. Hestia Jones, Emmeline Vance, and Dorcas Meadowes were talking in one corner of the ballroom and Caradoc…

Remus looked around in confusion, at least until he was tapped on the shoulder. Remus turned and there was Caradoc Dearborn with two glasses of wine in his hand.

“You looked like you could use some company.” He smiled, raising one drink before setting it down in front of Remus. “I knew you’d be hiding yourself,” he said as he took a seat beside Remus, in the same chair that Sirius had sat in.

Remus, for his part, decided that he’d had enough of alcohol two days ago. He pushed the drink away. “No thanks. Someone has to abstain on your behalf.”

Caradoc nudged Remus’s drink closer again. “Come on, Remus. You can’t say no to me.”

Remus sighed as his resolve crumbled. His hand closed around the glass. “Apparently not.”

He caught himself glancing back, searching for Sirius and finding him dancing with James’s mother. There was a smile on his face and he’d evidently just stopped laughing. He spun her in his arms. At least the maid of honor had let him go but Remus knew better than to hope that he would be able to dance with Sirius tonight.

“We should see if our friends would like a dance,” Caradoc said, nodding toward Hestia, Emmeline, and Dorcas.

“You should go.” Remus quickly swallowed down more of the wine. It wasn’t enough to get drunk on but he could get pleasantly tipsy if he rushed it.

“Someone has to look out for you, Remus.” Caradoc drank a good portion of his wine. “Besides, it can’t be any worse than that one time. You know, when that woman--”

Remus groaned and nearly put his face in his hands. “Please don’t remind me. I have the feeling I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to forget that.”

“Well Hestia and Emmeline won’t crawl all over you.” Caradoc pointed out oh so helpfully.

“I hope you don’t expect me to dance with both at once,” Remus said dryly. He changed his mind and decided to neglect his drink in the hopes that Caradoc would decide to wait until they had both finished before making his move.

Caradoc laughed. “Of course not. You can have your pick.”

“Or whoever will take me.” Remus said under his breath. “Does that mean you’re asking Dorcas?”

Caradoc drained the rest of his glass. “Yes.”

“I didn’t know you fancy her.” Remus was proud of how even and light his voice was. A matter of months ago he would have downed his drink and swallowed his bitterness. Now he had shelter against the winds of jealousy. He didn’t feel them at all. He’d consider what that meant later.

Caradoc’s eyes were sharp when he turned to Remus. “What makes you say that?”

“Because otherwise you would have asked her already.”

Remus drank some more of his wine while Caradoc stared at him, speechless.

“You know me too well,” Caradoc finally said.

“Mm, like an open book.” Remus agreed. He cast a look toward Sirius, who was now dancing with one of the bridesmaids.

“Well you’re not the only one. Let’s go and you can stop looking longingly toward the dancers and be one of them for a change.” Caradoc stood.

“Er…” Remus couldn’t very well deny Caradoc’s accusation and tell him the truth. “I’d like to finish my drink.”

“Later,” Caradoc said and nudged his arm. “Come on.”

Remus didn’t see any other choice. Caradoc would counter whatever excuses Remus threw at him. He always did. So Remus rose to his feet and followed as they made their way to their three friends.

“Hello, ladies.” Caradoc grinned broadly, no doubt hoping to win them over with charm.

For his part, Remus wanted to sink into the ground. He kept glancing toward Sirius, still lost in a whirl of moving feet and bodies. At one point he could have sworn that Sirius looked his way too, but someone moved in front of them and they lost each other.

Remus fought back a sigh just in time to hear Caradoc’s next words.

“Dorcas, I was wondering if you’d care for a dance.”

Dorcas, still clutching her drink, blinked and paused for a moment before handing her glass to Emmeline. “Of course.”

“And Remus—”

“I was wondering if one of you wouldn’t mind dancing with me.” Remus didn’t know where the words were coming from even as he spoke them.

“Oh! I will,” Hestia said quickly. “If you don’t mind, Emmeline.”

“I’ll be the drink holder,” she said and took Hestia’s. “Oh, I was just kidding.” She continued as she saw Hestia’s guilty look. “I’ll go ask Sturgis if he’s not busy.”

“Well, now that’s settled.” Caradoc quickly pulled Dorcas away and winked at Remus as he left.

“Well, uhm, shall we?” Remus held out his hand to Hestia.

She took it and, smiling at him, they both walked to the dance floor. Remus was not experienced at this sort of dancing but Hestia didn’t seem to mind. And perhaps it was the drinking, perhaps it was the music or simply the conversation he managed to hold with Hestia, but he was starting to enjoy himself. That didn’t mean that his gaze didn’t wander periodically across the floor as he looked for Sirius. Sometimes their eyes met and Remus saw an emotion he couldn’t, or simply wouldn’t, place on the man’s face.

When Remus finally parted from Hestia he thanked her for the dances and she did the same. Casting a glance over his shoulder as he left, he saw that Caradoc and Dorcas were still dancing. Dorcas laughed and rested her head on Caradoc’s shoulder.

He almost started in surprise when he found Sirius sitting in his chair again, right next to Remus’s abandoned seat. He was leaning against the back of it and his legs were stretched out in front of him. He didn’t bother sitting up when Remus approached and reclaimed his seat.

“I thought you’d still be dancing,” Remus said, voice even but cool.

Sirius shrugged. “If I dance anymore I’ll get blisters. Did you have fun?”

“Yes, I did.” Remus confessed after a moment of self-reflection. “Did you?”

“Not really.”

The answer took Remus aback and he stared at Sirius for a moment. Sirius held his gaze, unflinching and unwavering.

“Sirius…” Remus began.

Sirius sat up and, to Remus’s surprise, reached for his hand. Remus didn’t move away but he did look around before taking it. Sirius’s skin was warm against him and a little sweaty from his exertion but Remus didn’t mind. He imagined his were the same.

“I wanted to dance with you,” Sirius said quietly.

“So did I.” Remus admitted. “I still do.”

Sirius squeezed his hand before letting go. “We’ll figure something out.”

As the evening turned to night, Sirius was called to the dance floor again. This time he succeeded in waving them off. Instead he shared some drinks with Remus and in time Peter joined them. It was pleasant not to talk about the Order or Remus’s lessons. Instead they swapped stories about James and Lily. Remus even had his own tales to contribute of potions and spells gone wrong and how Lily had been patient while James laughed so hard that Remus would join in.

Eventually, it was time for James and Lily to leave. Sirius made his way over to them and Lily kissed him on the cheek while James wrapped his arm around his friend in a loose hug.

“Have fun, you lucky bastard,” Sirius said.

“Don’t burn down your home without me.” James retorted.

Remus sank back into the crowd once James and Lily were gone. While Sirius helped Mrs. Potter out of the room and out where she could apparate home, Remus found himself pulled into one more dance with Hestia. He didn’t know who he should blame for that but he was sure it was Caradoc, who had made himself scarce with Dorcas.

When Remus was finally free, he saw Sirius leaning against the wall, arms folded over his chest, but there was a smile on his face as he surveyed Remus. Under that gaze Remus blushed and he made his way over to him. The guests were trickling out one by one and there were only a few stragglers left aside from Remus and Sirius.

“We should probably go,” Remus said once he had reached Sirius. He leaned back against the wall next to him, catching his breath after the fast paced dance with Hestia.

“Not yet. I have to clean up.” Sirius turned to look at Remus. A lock of hair had fallen into his face and he brushed it aside. “Keep me company?”

Remus would rather they have made a hasty retreat either to headquarters or to Sirius’s home. His heart beat faster when they thought about what they could do. The other night had opened up so many possibilities as exciting as they were frightening. He supposed he would have to wait.

“Of course I will.” He replied.

Sirius was uncharacteristically silent. He turned his attention to cleaning up as the last of the guests made their way out. He flicked his wand and napkins vanished, spills cleaned themselves, and table cloths were packed away.

When the last guest left, however, he put his wand away. “Peter?” He called and Peter quickly fiddled with a Muggle record player placed on one of the distant tables.

Remus stopped cleaning up. “Sirius, what—”

At that moment a soft, slow song started playing. Remus recognized it as a very popular Muggle song from the year prior.

_My love must be a kind of blind love._

Sirius turned to Remus and grinned. He held out his hand. “Shall we?”

Remus could have sworn his heart stopped beating for a moment.

_Are the stars out tonight? I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright._

As Remus took Sirius’s hand, he allowed himself to be swept away.

_I only have eyes for you._

“You planned this.” Remus spoke quietly, afraid to speak loud lest he overshadow the music and ruin the moment.

Sirius smiled. “Possibly.” His steps were so sure that Remus allowed him to lead.

As they danced, Sirius pulled Remus closer, looping an arm around his waist. Sirius leaned into him. They were close enough that Remus could feel Sirius’s breath on his cheek. Sirius tilted his head. Remus opened his mouth and then they were kissing. They stayed there, locked in an embrace, slowly moving to the music. When they parted there was barely enough time for Sirius to touch Remus’s cheek before their lips met again. The kiss was deeper this time. Remus heard a moan and he was not sure if it belonged to him, Sirius, or both.

They parted again. Remus leaned in for another kiss but Sirius pressed his forehead against Remus’s instead, keeping him back.

“I’ve been waiting to hold you in my arms all night.” He breathed.

Remus’s heart fluttered at the words. He felt light, warm, and full of an emotion he was afraid to name. “Sirius Black, I hardly know you.” He couldn’t resist the smile that passed over his face. “I had no idea you’re a romantic.”

“Just where you’re concerned.” Sirius’s lips drifted closer to his. “Promise you won’t tell.”

Remus didn’t answer, at least not verbally. He closed the distance between them and brushed his lips against Sirius, allowing his body to speak for him.

_I promise._


	9. Chapter 9

The creeping cold of November stretched over them and with it came a growing sense of foreboding. Remus did his best to ignore it. There were many ways to distract himself. James and Lily were back from their honeymoon, still deeply in love and blissfully happy. Even when they came to visit Remus, he caught them staring at each other and smiling. Once he might have been jealous of what he had but with Sirius…

With Sirius he’d never been happier. Sirius praised Remus both during his lessons and out of them. They went out to eat and drink and, not too infrequently, they would end up in Sirius’s bed, or on the couch, or even backed against the wall, and they would move against each other until Remus would cry out, clutch Sirius’s back, and come in his hand.

But every time he read the Prophet he felt guilty for taking such pleasure without hesitation. It felt like every time he did read the paper he found more stories of people’s lives cut short, ending in terror at the hands of Death Eaters, sometimes quickly, sometimes drawn out in torture. There were investigations but by and large they ended in dead ends. The few times an arrest was made it was in the Daily Prophet for weeks.

It was one of those investigations that he was reading now. The accused, Marcus Lorcan, wasn’t from a wealthy, influential, or even pureblood family. He was not someone anyone would have pegged as a Death Eater from an outside glance but the case building against him was overwhelming.

Remus heard approaching footsteps and pushed his paper away just as Sirius put his hand on his shoulder. Remus leaned back and let his head rest against his lover.

“The Lorcan case?” Sirius asked. He was holding a mug of coffee in his free hand and was still wearing yesterday’s clothes. They hadn’t thought to bring extra ones, believing that the dueling lessons would be just that. They really should have known better.

“It looks like they’ll convict him within the week.” Remus shrugged Sirius’s hand off his shoulder only so he could take it in his own hand and press it to his lips.

“I knew him in school, you know,” Sirius said, moving so he could trace his fingers over Remus’s lips and then his cheek.

“Did you?”

“One of the Slytherins, a few years ahead of me.”

“How many times did you hex him?” Remus tried to sound mild but there was a tinge of hostility in his voice, directed not at Sirius but at the thought of Lorcan, who stood accused of helping to murder a family of five.

“Not enough.” Sirius replied tersely. He withdrew his hand and stepped away. “I should get back home soon. Astra needs to be fed. She’ll be cross with me.”

Astra was Sirius’s owl. She was usually out delivering letters on Sirius’s behalf and so Remus hadn’t seen her often. This was one of the rare times that she was at her home. Astra was like Sirius, very sociable and she had somehow zeroed in on Remus being responsible for Sirius’s absences from home.

“Sorry to keep you.”

Sirius kissed the top of Remus’s head. “Never be sorry for that.”

Before Remus could respond, the doorbell rang. He shot a nervous glance at Sirius, still in crumpled clothes that clearly looked slept in. Reading Remus’s anxiety, Sirius placed his mug on the table.

“I’ll floo home,” he said but before stepping away he bent lower and they shared a necessarily brief kiss.

“I’ll see you later today?” Remus asked, curling his fingers around Sirius’s wrist.

“Count on it.” Sirius kissed him again before stepping away.

The doorbell rang once more. Remus couldn’t say why but it filled him with dread. Perhaps it was the impatience of the person ringing it. Perhaps it was the fact that the person hadn’t sent a Patronus in advance or else it was prescience. But Remus moved quickly for the front door.

None of the alarms had been triggered and so he knew that the visitor did not mean him ill will. That didn’t stop him from holding his breath as he opened the door. It was Caradoc but instead of his usual jovial and carefree expression, he was pale. Remus had seldom seen him look graver.

“Can I come in?”

“Who is it?” Remus asked, leaning against the wall.

“Benjy.” Caradoc’s voice nearly broke. And then he said the words that would send Remus reeling. “They blew him apart, Remus.”

\---

If it weren’t for the fact that he was the host, Remus would have found a quiet space to let his emotions take control of him. Instead he held them back and made sure that everyone had what they wanted, which wasn’t much. None of the Order was in the mood for refreshments. Everyone was somber as they took stock of the situation.

Dumbledore had called them all here not only to remember Benjy Fenwick but also to determine their next course of action. Alastor Moody, Frank, and Alice came late and they filled the others in on the investigation. There had been several arrests but, unlike Marcus Lorcan, these suspects had the resources to fight back. It would be a clash of the metaphorical giants of the wizarding world against the new policies and authority given to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. No one knew how it would turn out. Dumbledore managed to distract them from that concern as he raised another problem. Had the Death Eaters had deliberately targeted Benjy for being a member of the Order of the Phoenix.

“If you ask me it’s a distinct possibility.” Moody growled. “You don’t see that kind of violence in normal circumstances.”

“You wouldn’t call torture violent?” Dedalus Diggle interrupted coldly.

“Of course it is.” Moody replied gruffly. “But that’s standard for them. They don’t usually go around blowing people up.”

Mundungus Fletcher quickly excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

Moody went on as if he hadn’t noticed the interruption. “No, it was meant to send a very deliberate message. Might even have been retaliation for Lorcan’s arrest.”

“Benjy wasn’t home when it happened,” Frank said, arms folded over his chest and he stared grimly at the table in front of him. “That suggests they knew what they were doing when they came after him.”

“We haven’t been as careful as we thought…” Alice looked every bit as solemn as her husband.

“Or there’s a spy among us.” Moody finished.

The silence stretched between all the Order and no one was in any rush to break it.

“Don’t be absurd.” James broke in at last. “There’s any number of ways they could have found out.”

“However we look at it, we’re still in danger,” Hestia said. “What more can we do?”

“Aside from moving headquarters?” Remus spoke up. “We can come here less frequently, only when it’s necessary. They could have someone on the inside monitoring us through the floo network. If we take down the anti-apparation ward around the house then we can come in directly instead of waiting at the door, exposed.”

“An option that would put you in danger, might I remind you, Remus.” Dumbledore spoke and suddenly everyone in the room sat a little straighter. “Even if you are willing to accept that risk then it would put some delicate information at risk.”

“Then move it. It’s safer with you anyway, Albus.” Remus replied without a second thought. He felt someone kick him under the table and glanced at Sirius, who was scowling at him.

_Live with it._ Remus wanted to snap at him. When it came to protecting his friends he would take any step.

“I appreciate your offer, Remus, but I’m afraid my decision is made. We shall look into new headquarters in the event we must move. In the meantime we will increase and fortify the wards around headquarters, and indeed all our homes, and take care when we go out. If you are on your own or outnumbered it is better to disapparate rather than confront lest we gather to mourn you as well.”

That settled matters. The rest were excused as Dumbledore called each of them to report on how their missions were progressing and to give them new orders. Once they were finished, they lingered only to exchange farewells. Sirius was an exception. He sat still, watching Remus though he pretended not to whenever he thought someone’s gaze turned toward him.

When the last person left, Remus thought that Dumbledore would as well but instead he called for him.

“Remus, may I have a word?”

With one last glance at Sirius, Remus said “of course” and made his way to the meeting room. Dumbledore waited until he was seated across from him before beginning.

One look at Dumbledore’s eyes and Remus felt a sudden and overpowering sensation of dread, rippling through his body and nearly making him sick. Dumbledore was going to send him away just when Remus was at peace with his life despite the hell that was raging on just outside his doors.

“I know you’ve finished your books.”

“Yes, I have.” Remus’s nails dug into his knees. “Is it time?” He asked and did not need to elaborate.

“Yes and no. Remus, I’m sure you know that this war is worsening and to fight it we must all make sacrifices. I’m afraid I must ask you to make some that are in many ways greater than those with which the others are burdened.”

_Here it comes,_ Remus thought. He grasped his knee tightly and swallowed what thoughts of protest he had. “I’m ready.”

Dumbledore searched his gaze, blue eyes penetrating him. Remus was used to this and whereas before he had erected his defenses against him, useless as they were, this time he let the headmaster read his mind.

Dumbledore leaned back slightly. “I must ask you to spend your full moons at the Ministry holding cells.”

Remus’s mouth dried. Just as suddenly he longed to take back his earlier words and beg Dumbledore for another assignment. But he couldn’t, he knew. “Why?” was all he asked.

“I have reason to believe that the werewolves living in packs send contacts to the cells in order to recruit new members.” There was a heavy pause before Dumbledore continued. “I want you to be the new member they seek. It will take time to gain their trust, but you must convince them that you are growing discontented with your role in the wizarding world and from there you might gain a greater position of influence than you ever would otherwise. The werewolves will not believe that we have entirely good intentions toward them but you may be able to convince them that we are the lesser of two evils. At the very least, they may refuse to join the Death Eaters.”

“That’s unlikely.” Despite his nails driving into his knee Remus spoke clearly.

“Perhaps, but surely you agree that we must try.”

Remus thought of Sirius waiting in the den. He thought of all the time they had spent together and the coming nights he’d looked forward to, now lost.

“Yes,” Remus said quietly. “I do.”

\---

Dumbledore left. Remus sat still, gazing at nothing for some time before getting up to face Sirius. The man hadn’t left his position on the couch, regardless of how long he’d been waiting. When Remus walked in the room he was a sorry figure, staring blankly at the floor before he made his way to the couch and sank onto it.

“Remus.” Sirius started. He slung his arm around Remus’s shoulders, shaking him slightly as if that would break him free from his thoughts. “What is it?”

Remus shook his head and leaned backward. He reached and placed his hand over Sirius’s, who turned it in his grasp so he could lace their fingers together.

“I have to go to the Ministry’s holding cells for werewolves every full moon.” Remus took a deep breath. “And from there I don’t know.”

Sirius was perfectly still. He stared just past Remus for a long moment before his gaze turned on him. “I’ll be there when you get back home to patch you up. When I can make it.”

Remus held his breath. “He’s sending you some place, isn’t he?”

Sirius nodded. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. And I wish I could tell you but…”

“It’s confidential. I understand. You’re not the only one who has to keep secrets.” He paused and took a deep breath. Now came the hard part. “Sirius, I don’t know how this will work.”

Remus was sure that Sirius’s breathing stopped for a moment.

“Us?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to face Sirius. “You’ll be gone and I’ll be… I have to… if all goes well I’ll be gone for a while. I don’t see how we can keep going. It’s not fair to tie you down when—”

Sirius’s free hand came up to touch Remus’s cheek and turn his head so that Remus couldn’t look away.

“I want to be tied down. This can work. It will work,” he said but instead of being stern his voice was soft, tender even. “Remus, trust me.”

“We’ve only been seeing each other for three months. We haven’t even known each other—”

“Remus.” This time Sirius’s voice was firm. “Trust me.”


	10. Chapter 10

When Remus went to the Ministry’s werewolf holding cells, he found that little had changed in a year. When he’d last been there everything was white and it exuded a coldness that sank into all the visitors. The attending wizards were brusque and agitated. The feeling was reciprocated by the werewolves. None of them had anywhere else to stay. The holding cells were always a last resort, due to their reputation. One that was all too true, as Remus had learned firsthand.

He didn’t like thinking about the one night he had spent here after his parents had been killed, back before he the others set aside a room at headquarters strictly for full moons. Remus only had flashes of what happened when he was a werewolf but he did remember the restraints, far more of them than he needed. He remembered people coming into his cell. He remembered pain and trying to lash out but being held firm by straps. But when he finally broke free, the wizards were gone and the only thing left to tear and bite was himself. The bloodlust had lasted until morning dawned and they had to actually bother to heal him to get him on his feet again, which was not part of their usual protocol.

Remus was surprised he wasn’t physically ill when they showed him to his cell. He had signed the papers already. They had him on file and he was checked in rather quickly. Unfortunately, that meant he had to wait for hours on end. Desperately searching for any line of thought that didn’t involve his impending transformation, he thought of Sirius. Where was he? Was he all right? And was he thinking about Remus just as Remus was thinking about him? The only thing he could be sure of was the latter. Remus could almost feel Sirius’s thoughts upon him. He closed his eyes to focus on that feeling and the brief moment of peace it provided. Then his body lurched forward in the first pangs of transformation.

Remus tried to push himself up but another wave of pain crippled him and he cried out. From there the pain came in hot spikes, driving up along his spine, spreading like fire through the nerves that stretched across his body. He tried to tell himself it would pass, that this happened every full moon and every full moon he endured but in the moment all he could think was that he was falling apart. And, in a sense, he was. Falling apart only to be built anew: monstrous, feral, and completely transformed. The howls that issued from his throat were not from Remus Lupin but from the werewolf rising to dominance.

\---

That morning Remus was slow to wake and when he did it was to the harsh calls of one the wizards waiting on him.

“I said get up. We can’t have you in here forever.”

Remus murmured something nonsensical and pushed himself off the floor, thick with his blood. It took a moment for his eyes to come into focus and when they did he pressed his hands to the walls to use them for support as he stood. The attending wizard threw Remus’s robes at him. Fighting against his aching muscles, Remus pulled them on.

When he slowly walked outside, he saw several other werewolves, some looking even worse than him. One fell over and Remus was the only one to go to him.

“Here.” Remus held out his arm and put it around his chest, trying to pull him up to get them standing. Instead he fell down with him.

“Not much help, are you?” The werewolf rasped.

“Just a minute,” Remus said, gathering himself to make a second attempt.

He crouched and pulled the werewolf up so that he was sitting. Then he stood and grabbed the other man’s arms, pulling him up. They nearly overbalanced but they both managed to stand, albeit unsteadily, on their own feet.

“Well you’re not a total loss,” the werewolf said, smirking at him.

“You’re welcome.” Remus muttered.

“My name is Connall.” He didn’t offer his hand to Remus as greeting but that was for the best considering what shape they were in. Moving was best restricted to only what was necessary.

“Remus.”

“Did you take your own name when you were bitten?” Connall asked.

Renaming yourself was a custom taken by most of the werewolf packs. He wondered if he just might have run into one of them.

“No, just unlucky.” Remus replied. He stepped away from the other werewolf.

“I haven’t seen you here before.”

“I was evicted. Couldn’t pay the rent. I had a basement before where I could transform. I have a new place but there’s no room.”

“Let me guess. A broken down old shack.”

Remus thought back to his comfortable home at headquarters. “Something like that.”

They managed to walk to their lockers. Remus retrieved his wand quickly and stowed it out of sight.

“Wizard, huh?”

Evidently not fast enough.

“That’s right,” Remus said.

“I have magic too. Not that it matters much. Never even bothered to get my wand.” Connall winced and clutched at his side. Remus’s own wounds throbbed in sympathy.

“Here, let me help you walk out.” He offered, stepping close to the other werewolf.

“Don’t bother. I can manage on my own. Wouldn’t want to keep you from your hovel.”

Remus knew better than to press the issue so he nodded before walking away.

It was a start.

\---

When Remus returned home it was to find Lily waiting for him. He stepped out of the fireplace only to stumble but she was there to catch him.

“Oh, Remus.”

“I’m all right,” he said as she guided him to the couch. “I’ve had worse.” He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind, hoping to block out some of the pain. It didn’t work. “I thought Caradoc would be here.”

“I know but I asked to take his place. I made some new potions that I think will help speed up the healing process.”

Remus opened his eyes and smiled. “Well, at least I don’t have any wounds close to embarrassing places.”

Lily laughed and she went into the kitchen for a moment, returning with flasks and bottles full of potions of the same dark purple color. “Oh, I fed Astra already. Silly bird pecked at me when I got there.”

Astra, Sirius’s screech owl, had been entrusted to Remus’s care while Sirius was away.

“Thank you. Sometimes she’s as annoying as Sirius.” Even fighting against the pain, Remus was tempted to lie back on the couch and let sleep capture him for a while.

Lily set to work selecting one potion out of the batch. “I know. You should see him with James. They can drive me mad.”

“They frequently do drive me mad.” Remus countered. “Why aren’t you with James, anyway?”

“We might be married but we’re not joined at the hip,” Lily said lightly, uncorking the chosen flask.

Remus immediately thought of a rather crude comment to that and blamed all the time he’d spent with Sirius.

“Here, drink this.” Lily handed him the flask.

“All of it?”

“Yes. And then let me see your wounds.” Lily waved her wand in front of her and conjured into being some bandages. She soaked them in the purple substance and quickly set to work wrapping Remus’s wounds while he drank the potion.

“Thank you.” Remus sighed. “That’s much better.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t try to heal you there,” she said as she set the bottles into her bag, each of them disappearing from view and not causing as much as a bulge in the purse.

“That would imply they actually care enough about us.” Not that they wanted the werewolves to die in custody, too much bureaucracy to deal with, Remus was sure.

“And you have to go there?” Lily’s eyes were wide and worried. She took a seat on the chair next to the couch, leaning forward to look at Remus.

“At least it’s somewhere to go.” Remus folded his arms over his chest for added warmth.

“I just don’t see why you can’t stay here. Whatever Dumbledore has planned…”

“It’s worth it,” Remus said. “I trust him and he tells me I have to do this. It’s better than sitting here doing nothing.”

“You haven’t been doing nothing.” Lily’s voice was soft and earnest. “Remus, you’ve been guarding headquarters and helping all of us stay safe.”

“Thank you, Lily. I’m afraid it doesn’t change anything.”

Lily sighed. “No, I suppose not.” She stood upright. “Wait a moment. Accio blanket.”

From Remus’s bedroom, his covers came flying toward them. They almost bowled Lily over but she caught herself and laid the blankets over Remus.

“Rest for a moment. I’ll wait here for a bit longer.”

“You can go home to James.” Remus mumbled, stretching beneath the covers, waiting for them to grow warm from the heat of his body.

“James isn’t much company either. He’s sleeping in. I’ll be up so I might as well spend time here in case anyone comes.”

“Alright.” Remus relented. He was too weak to do anything else.

\---

Remus woke for the second time that day to hushed voices. He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy and so he shifted instead. The voices died down and in a moment he felt a hand brush his face gently. This time Remus’s eyes fluttered open. Grey eyes were staring into his own.

“Sirius?”

Sirius smiled and sank down, letting his knees rest against the floor as he lowered himself to eye level with Remus. “Hi.”

“You’re back,” was all Remus could manage. The relief came over him in a wave and it nearly brought him down with it.

“I was hoping to get here sooner but I see Lily patched you up.” Sirius stroked his fingers through Remus’s hair.

“And now that that’s done, I should go. Get well soon, Remus.” Lily walked to the fireplace to floo back home.

“Thank you.” Remus mumbled again before she was gone though he did not look away from Sirius. Shifting, he was able to get his arm free from the blankets and he laid his hand on Sirius’s neck.

“Get into trouble?” He asked.

Sirius let out a small laugh. “Some,” he said. “But I didn’t get caught.”

Remus almost chided him. This wasn’t Hogwarts, after all. This was real. He could have died and they would never have seen each other again. But if this was how Sirius coped then let him. Remus was too tired to press.

“Are you staying for a while?” He mumbled, eyes closing of their own accord and his hand fell from Sirius’s body.”

Sirius tucked his arm under the blankets and kissed his forehead. “You’ll have me all through the holidays. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good.”

Remus summoned the strength to lean forward. Sirius could read both his body and thoughts by now and he met Remus. His hand went around Remus’s head, holding him close as they kissed.

“Missed you.” Remus whispered when their lips finally parted.

“I missed you too,” Sirius said and his lips soon enveloped Remus’s once more.

\---

Things quickly returned to normal now that Sirius had returned. Remus hadn’t realized how accustomed he’d grown to Sirius’s presence until he was gone. Now that he was here, they were both eager to make up for lost time, even in ways that didn’t involve them having their hands all over the other.

Christmas drew closer and Remus decided to host the Order members for an informal celebration of the holiday. He was planning on baking cookies and decorating the house. Sirius volunteered to help him and, perhaps sensing that the two of them wouldn’t get any work done if they were left alone, James and Lily offered to help as well.

Remus woke early. He had the feeling that Sirius would want some time on their own. As expected, Sirius was the first to show—a full hour early. When he stepped out of the fireplace, Remus couldn’t help but note how immaculate he looked, as if the ash hadn’t touched him. He was wearing a loose fitting shirt with the collar undone, as usual. Remus eyed the exposed sliver of the man’s collar bone. His mouth dried at the thought of peeling away his clothes

_Not yet._ Remus was grateful that he had the excuse of needing to be presentable for when James and Lily arrived.

“A whole hour early? I thought you would be half an hour.” A grin slowly formed across Remus’s face.

“I can never pass up the chance to spend time with you.” Sirius walked forward to meet Remus.

“You’re ruining your reputation, you know.” Remus tugged on the collar of Sirius’s shirt, pulling him closer only to stop when they were a foot away. He buttoned up the collar. “People are thinking of you as punctual, dare I say responsible.

Sirius’s hands covered Remus’s, stilling them. “Let them think what they want.” He leaned in to kiss Remus but the man moved back out of reach, pulling his hands away.

“I could have been reading.” Remus teased.

“All this time together and you still prefer a book to me?” Sirius placed a hand over his heart. “I’m hurt.”

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Remus drew closer again. He was near enough to Sirius that they were breathing the same air.

“So, now that I am here, what are you going to do with me?” Sirius moved forward. His hand went to hold the back of Remus’s head and bring him in for…

“Well, I was thinking of putting up streamers first,” Remus said lightly.

Sirius lightly shoved him away, laughing as he did so. “Remus Lupin you are impossible.”

\---

In spite of Sirius’s best efforts, they did get the decorations up and, once James and Lily arrived, they baked the cookies. Which was to say that Lily and Remus did the baking while James and Sirius milled about like two hyperactive six year olds. When Lily turned to say as much Sirius even stuck his tongue out at her, prompting a laugh from Remus.

When the others arrived, the light and even joyous mood not only lingered, it spread from person to person until they were all laughing at their jokes. The gloom of the outside world was forgotten for the moment. And even Moody was seen smiling.

“I’ve got a surprise for yeh.” Hagrid boomed over the clatter and talking of over a score of people.

“Oh? And what’s that?” Frank called back.

“Line up everyone, I’ve brought a camera.” And so he had. Dwarfed in Hagrid’s giant hands, he propped up a camera on a table that he dragged into place.

Whatever smile Moody had been wearing vanished. “I hope you don’t mean on taking a picture of all of us together.”

“If you’re so worried about guarding it why don’t you keep it, Alastor.” Alice laughed. She helped form a line by standing next to her husband and soon everyone had gathered together in rows.

Remus was not standing next to Sirius but he exchanged a smile with him as Hagrid finally succeeded in setting the timer then hurried back so he would also be in the picture.

Remus tried not to think about how many of the people standing next to him would not be here for the next Christmas.

\---

It was Christmas day and while the others were busy visiting their families, Sirius and Remus spent the holiday together. Surrounded by opened boxes and shredded wrapping paper, Remus lay on top of Sirius. Their breathing gradually slowed to normal. Sirius threaded his fingers in Remus’s hair whilst Remus explored the planes of Sirius’s body, sliding down to stroke over the hair that trailed down below his waist.

Remus was still wearing his pants but Sirius didn’t have a stitch on him. Remus had been so pleased, not only with his presents but the delivery of them, that he got past the awkwardness of his own inexperience to take Sirius’s cock in his mouth. It had tasted bitter and unfamiliar but after a while he became used to it as he moved his lips over Sirius until the man had to pull Remus away before he came inside of him.

Needless to say, they had a lot of cleaning up to do. However neither of them were in the rush to do that.

“I think.” Sirius panted. “That is the happiest Christmas I’ve had.”

“Same.” Remus’s fingers worked their way up Sirius’s chest.

He looked up just as Sirius looked down and they shared a smile. Remus shifted so he could press a kiss to Sirius’s lips.

“We should probably get up,” he said afterward. “In case anyone decides to come by.”

“Mmm, I don’t know,” Sirius said lightly. “I’m rather happy with the way things are. I didn’t expect my favorite present to unwrap me.”

“So I’m a present?” Remus almost snorted.

“The very best kind.” There was a silly, satisfied grin on Sirius’s face. “But I need to talk about something with you.”

Remus might have been nervous at those words if they hadn’t been spoken when he was lying half naked on a very nude Sirius, complete with a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Oh? What is it?” He asked.

Sirius moved his hand so it was rubbing circles over Remus’s back. “I’ve done some research about your condition. It says that you can infect a human but animals are immune.”

Remus had stiffened somewhere around the word condition and he couldn’t force himself to relax again. Sirius brought his other hand up to Remus’s waist and stroked his body, doing his best to coax him back into a state of relaxation.

“I don’t see your point,” Remus said perhaps a bit too harshly.

“You know about Animagi?” Sirius’s words came rushing out of his mouth and his face lit up.

Remus felt faint at the suggestion. “No. _No._ Sirius, you are not going to—”

“It’s perfect. I’ll keep you company—”

“Until I rip you apart.” Remus tried to push himself off Sirius but he was held him firm.

“You won’t. I can take care of myself.”

“Against a werewolf? Sirius...” Remus sighed. “Don’t misunderstand. It’s a lovely idea but it’s only just that. It could never work. There are too many ifs. If they let you register and try. If you turn into an animal that even has a chance against me. If I don’t tear you to pieces.”

“Werewolves aren’t as violent against animals.”

“Sirius, I rip up furniture and myself. I’m violent against everything.” He shook his head. “Let it go.”

Sirius stopped tracing Remus’s back with his fingers. “And if I don’t?”

Remus let his head fall back against Sirius’s chest. Maybe if he devoted his entire attention to the beating of his lover’s heart he could forget this.

“It doesn’t matter if you agree or not. I’m still doing it.” Sirius continued when it was clear he wouldn’t get an answer.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” Remus could feel himself giving in already. “If I can’t stop you then at least be careful.”

Hopefully this was just a passing fancy of Sirius’s and it would be forgotten as the day stretched on.

“I have been so far.”

Remus looked up at Sirius. His heart had sunk into his stomach. “You’ve started?”

Sirius had the decency to look embarrassed but not repentant. “I may have taken the first few steps.”

There was no way that Sirius could have obtained permission to start the process of becoming an Animagi.

“Without Ministry approval.” It wasn’t even a question the way Remus said it, chiding but begging Sirius to deny it.

Sirius grinned instead.


	11. Chapter 11

Remus and Sirius had just gone out to eat. It was a fine restaurant, much to Remus’s surprise given the location. It was in Diagon Alley but squeezed in between two buildings and small enough. Still, it was a good place for the two of them. Quiet, out of the way, and sure to minimize potential gossip over their outing. When they left, the street was pleasantly deserted.

“I think the waitress had her suspicions about us.” Remus spoke quietly despite the fact that no one was around.

“I think she was just jealous I was more interested in you.” Sirius gave Remus a winning smile.

“Probably that too.” Remus sighed. He was used to Sirius attracting that sort of attention by now and it no longer grated as it once did. “We can’t keep this a secret, can we?”

“Do you really want to?” Sirius had the courtesy to keep his voice quiet. “I think half of the Order has guessed by now. It’s hard to keep these things secret for very long. And there is the way you’ve been staring at me.” After a glance around, Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’s body.

No one was near so Remus allowed himself to be pressed back into Sirius. “You mean the way you’ve been staring at me.”

“The way we’ve been staring at each other, then.” Sirius’s hand drifted to rest on Remus’s hip. “It won’t be the end of the world if they find out.”

“Will you say the same when people find out that your lover isn’t just a man but a werewolf?” Remus couldn’t help how sharp his voice had become.

“Even if they did find out, I wouldn’t care.”

“You might when your friends stop associating with you. The Order might not care but they’re the exception to the rule, believe me.” Remus couldn’t fight back memories of how his own relatives refused to associate with him.

“Well then, I’ll do what my uncle Alphard did and tell them to bugger off and mind their own business. Besides, everyone who matters knows.”

“Sirius—” Remus started. He hesitated for a moment, resisting the urge to bite his lower lip. “You know, you mean a lot to me.”

“As much as you mean to me, I—” Sirius stopped abruptly.

They had just passed an alleyway and heard footsteps behind them. They both turned at once. It happened in an instant. Remus had scarcely registered the three men, the masks they wore, and the wands pointed at them, when Sirius shoved him down onto the ground. Bolts of red light shot through where they had once been standing.

Sirius drew his wand. Remus was a second behind him. His heart hammered in his chest as he aimed at one of the men. He didn’t have time to cast a verbal spell and had to use a nonverbal one. Lacking power, the spell only knocked the Death Eater off his feet for a moment.

Sirius had stood and was dueling with the other two. Sparks flew as their wands flashed. In a moment, Remus took in the scene. Sirius’s long hair swept about him as he moved and dodged, parrying hexes and flinging new ones but none of them landed. Remus wanted to help him but not only were they moving too fast but he had his own Death Eater to face.

Remus turned his attention back to the Death Eater that had fallen onto his feet. He was still struggling upright but as he did so raised his wand to Remus. He could just as easily have cast the Killing Curse as a more innocuous spell. The shield spell could be useless so Remus would have to take his chances on having the quicker reflexes.

“ _Stupefy!_ ”

Whatever the Death Eater’s spell had been, Remus could not hear over his own voice and he would never know as the wizard fell back against the ground, unmoving. But before Remus could move to help Sirius, he was struck from behind.

“ _Crucio!_ ”

Remus had only felt a pain like this during his transformations. Burning, all consuming. Every nerve, every scrap of flesh screamed in pain. He didn’t hear his own scream. He barely felt the ground as he collapsed. But he could endure this, he knew. He repeated that to himself as he opened his eyes and saw his assailant. His mask obscured his face and through the pain he wondered if the man was smiling, relishing the agony he was inflicting.

“ _Stupefy!_ ” Sirius cried.

In that moment, two things happened at once. The Death Eater slumped to the cobblestone and the pain that enveloped Remus’s body stopped. He rolled over to look at Sirius, who must have assumed that his opponent was down as he had turned to Remus completely. Remus could see, however, that the Death Eater behind Sirius, though lying on the ground, had his wand raised.

Remus pointed his wand at the man.

“ _Avada Ked—_ ”

“ _Stupefy!_ ”

And one more Death Eater fell still.

Sirius whirled around. This time he kicked the Death Eater in the side and, satisfied at the failure to produce a reaction, he turned back to Remus, who was scrambling onto his feet.

“Are you hurt?” Sirius asked as he took Remus’s arm in hand and helped him to stand.

“No, just sore.”

“I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel that.” Sirius touched Remus’s cheek. Through his eyes Remus could see a mix of emotions: fading fear, rising relief, and above all concern. “Merlin, you could have— I don’t what I would have done if you…”

Remus hadn’t been aware that he was leaning in until their lips were almost touching and then Sirius closed the distance and they were kissing. It was not rough and exuberant like Sirius was in everything else but soft and tender, full of relief and gratitude. Remus reached up to wrap his arm around Sirius’s shoulder just as Sirius pulled him closer.

But all too soon they had to draw away. Surrounded by three unconscious Death Eaters, they had to work fast.

Sirius grasped his wand and raised it higher. “Expecto Patronum.” A large, silvery dog went running off. “That should alert Moody. It’s faster than summoning the Aurors any other way. Now.” He went over to the Death Eater that had tried to kill him. “Let’s see if we recognize any of them.”

Sirius yanked the man’s mask away from his face. The man had olive skin and long black hair, cropped just a bit shorter than Sirius’s. He would be considered attractive if he hadn’t tried to murder them. Remus didn’t recognize him but Sirius made a noise of surprise and backed away as if he’d been burned.

“Sirius?”

“I know him. His name is Mordecai. We were—friends. He’s a half blood. He couldn’t have—he must have been under the Imperius.” Sirius had gone paler than before and he was so incoherent Remus could barely understand him.

“Sirius.” Remus laid his hand on his shoulder. “Calm down. We have to deal with the others.”

“You don’t understand. He was—”

_Oh._ There was a flash of comprehension and suddenly Remus understood all too well. The way Sirius had said friend. His shocked, near panicked reaction now. Remus saw what they had once been to each other.

“He wouldn’t.” Sirius finished weakly.

Remus ignored the way his heart seized at the thought of the Death Eater touching Sirius. Perhaps Sirius was right and he was under the Imperius. Perhaps he was wrong. He just knew that they needed to deal with the others.

“Sirius,” he said and shook him slightly. “We have to be ready when the Aurors get here. We have a job to do.”

Sirius finally tore his gaze from Mordecai and looked at Remus. His wide eyes were slowly narrowing and his harsh breaths evening out.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t apologize. Just help me.”

When they removed the masks from the other Death Eaters, Sirius didn’t recognize either of them. Remus noted that his lover’s hands were still shaking. He had to resist the urge to take them in his own and whisper that everything was all right. But he couldn’t with the Aurors coming and no sooner had he brushed off the urge than Alastor Moody arrived with a half dozen Aurors to clean up their mess. He and Sirius were questioned. That was to be expected. What Remus should have expected was that he would be taken in for interrogation.

That was what they did with werewolves, after all.

\---

The interrogation was harsh. Even Moody couldn’t call a stop to it. It was over his head. Bartemius Crouch was personally interested in the case. Three captive Death Eaters meant that, if all went well, there would be a slew of new information. But that wasn’t Remus’s concern at the moment. Right now he had to be worried not about being sent to Azkaban but being executed. They had no room at Azkaban for werewolves, as they told him loudly. Of course, if he happened to have information they would let him go without incident. There was one problem.

“I told you, I can’t tell you anything. I was walking back home when they attacked. I had no idea that they’d—”

“And where did you learn the magic to fight them off?” One of the Aurors, a short but formidable young woman pressed him. Apparently she was not keen on letting go of that line of conversation.

Remus sighed. They’d been talking in circles for well over an hour now. The adrenaline from the fight had worn off. Even before that he’d had a long evening with Sirius and all he wanted to do was go home and sleep.

“After my parents died I thought it would be best to be tutored in case the Death Eaters came after me.”

“Ah, how interesting you bring up the death of your parents. What was your relationship with them like?”

Remus could curse himself for being foolish enough to bring up his parents. Of course they would suspect him of betraying them. He had to count backwards from ten before responding.

“I loved my parents,” he said. “I would have done anything for them.”

“And how did they feel about you?”

“The same,” Remus said quietly. His whole demeanor had changed from grudgingly polite to despondent. “I know they felt the same because they did everything they could.”

“That’s two incidents linked to you, Remus Lupin. I find it very interesting that your parents died shortly after you came of age.”

“I don’t find it interesting at all.” Remus nearly snapped.

“Also you have been spending some time with Sirius Black, haven’t you? A wealthy man. Perhaps you were hoping with your romantic ties…”

The world spun around Remus. For a moment he couldn’t breathe, nor could he hear the next words the Auror was speaking.

“…You see why I find it very curious.”

Remus might not have heard what precisely the Auror had said but he knew what it had been regardless.

“I loved my parents. And I love my friends,” he said quietly. “I would never and will never do anything to hurt them.”

“A werewolf’s love.” The Auror sneered.

Before she could say more, Moody opened the door to the room.

“Alright Donnelly, he’s being released. You can stop now.”

Taken aback, the Auror Donnelly froze for a bit, hands on the table. “But—”

“Dumbledore himself has vouched for Lupin. Crouch says he goes.”

Donnelly insisted that Remus get up and walk to the door. She fell into step behind him. As Remus was about to follow Moody, the grizzled Auror winked at him before leading him away.

\---

Remus’s legs were dull and heavy as he unlocked the door to headquarters. He hadn’t trusted the floo network at the Ministry, sure they would monitor where he went. Much to his surprise, when he opened the door Sirius was coming towards him.

“Here,” he said once Remus was inside and he locked the door behind him. “I told them you saved my life. It’s total shit that they—”

Remus walked past him. He was going to pass out on the couch. He wasn’t going to bother with the bed or changing out of his sweaty clothes or anything. The couch. It called to him.

“Remus?” Sirius called before quickly catching up with him. He grasped Remus’s arm. “What’s—”

Remus shook him off and kept walking. “I’d rather not talk about it.” His voice was hollow and devoid of feeling.

“Remus, I’m sorry—”

“I want to lie down, Sirius.” And to prove his point Remus, collapsed on the couch, facing the back of it, and curled up into a ball. He rested his head on his hands. He heard Sirius walking closer to him, stopping what he assumed was a few feet away. Closing his eyes tighter, he fought against the shudder that threatened to overtake his body.

A few long moments elapsed between them before Sirius sank onto one of the chairs. Remus could still feel his gaze upon him and he wished he could shake it off as easily as he could his own tears.

“What did they say about the Death Eaters?” He asked when he was sure his voice was steady.

“They’re all claiming they were under the Imperius but the Ministry isn’t buying it.” Sirius sounded too calm after everything that had happened to them.

Remus rolled over so he could face him. Sirius took deep breaths but his right hand had grasped the armrest tightly.

Remus thought of saying many things. “I’m sorry about your friend” was one as was “I know he meant a lot to you” but they all caught in his throat. Perhaps that was for the best.

Instead what he said was “they know about us.”

Sirius nodded. “I thought they might.”

Remus pushed himself up and onto his feet. He walked over to Sirius, who sat up straighter in time for Remus to loop his arms around him.

_I’ll never betray you._ Remus thought but couldn’t bring himself to say it. Instead he relished the feeling of Sirius’s warm body against him. Suddenly his thoughts were consumed by how close he’d come to losing him. It made his throat tighten and the tears he’d fought nearly returned.

“Sirius?” He managed to speak without his voice breaking.

“Yes?”

Sirius’s arms had come up to wrap around Remus and he loosened his hold, allowing Remus to lean back and look into his eyes.

“Thank you for saving my life.”

Sirius tried to smile but faltered. He swept a lock of hair out of Remus’s face. “Thank you for saving mine.” His voice was faint. He pulled Remus back into the hug, forcing him to rest his head upon Sirius’s shoulder. “And Remus?”

“Hm?” Remus had closed his eyes to better appreciate how Sirius’s body fit against his own.

“I asked you to trust me once. Do you?”

“Yes, I do.” Remus paused. He didn’t have the heart to draw back and look into Sirius’s eyes as he asked the next question. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see the hesitation. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Sirius replied almost at once. “Completely.”

\---

January came and went. Between the wintry cold and their disastrous date the month prior, Remus and Sirius didn’t go out. Something seemed to have faded in Sirius since the attack and Remus wasn’t sure how to awaken it. There was something far off in his gaze when he thought Remus wasn’t looking though he was quick to smile and laugh when prompted. Remus hoped it would pass when the Death Eaters’ trial was over. Being what he was, Remus had not been called in as a witness but Sirius was not so lucky.

The day of the trial was quickly upon them. Remus waited in headquarters for Sirius to return, which he did as evening approached.

Remus could tell by Sirius’s expression that it had not gone well.

“Firewhiskey?” He offered.

“Please.”

This was the one time when Remus did not mind or begrudge Sirius his drinking. In fact, as they settled in the kitchen at its tiny table, Remus poured himself a glass as well.

Sirius downed his before speaking. “All guilty. Thirty years in Azkaban. They were sentenced as one. I tried to speak on Mordecai’s behalf but…” Sirius poured himself some more firewhiskey while Remus hadn’t even touched his own.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said softly before finally bringing his drink to his lips.

“He was a Hufflepuff you know, all about loyalty. I can’t believe he would do that, especially not to…” Sirius’s voice wavered as he trailed off.

Remus reached for his hand. Sirius held his hand palm up so he could grasp Remus’s.

“If you want to talk about it I’m here.”

“You wouldn’t like it.” With his free hand, Sirius reached for his glass again.

Not letting go of Sirius, Remus covered the glass with his other hand. “I can read between the lines, Sirius.”

Sirius, who had been focused on sliding his cup free from beneath Remus, looked up at that. “Then I don’t need to say anything,” he said.

Remus drew his hand away from the glass but Sirius didn’t immediately drink from it. Instead he squeezed Remus’s hand before releasing it.

“You mean more to me than he ever did.” Sirius’s tone was solemn but sincere. “I want you to know that.”

Remus wasn’t sure if that was the case. Not that he thought that Sirius was lying. Rather, he knew that memories had a way of changing over time. Old loves faded as new ones sprang into existence. What mattered was that Sirius was with him now.

“I do.” He lied.

Sirius took a gulp from his drink. That was enough. Remus went directly for the source and moved the bottle out of Sirius’s reach. “I wish you would talk to me,” he said.

“I am.” Sirius’s gaze traveled until it came to rest on the bottle of firewhiskey. His hand twitched for it.

“No, you’re trying to. Every time you start talking about it you cut yourself off. Sirius…” Remus leaned forward. He reached out across the table again but this time Sirius didn’t take his hand. Remus brushed aside the sting of that rejection and continued. “Your ex was just sent to Azkaban.”

Sirius cringed. He pushed his glass away, finally giving up on the bottle, at least for the moment. “I can’t imagine that he would ever do that to me, not willingly.” He stared at the middle of the table. He made a soft noise, what might have been a laugh if it weren’t for the current mood. “I didn’t think he could be forced into it either but…”

“The Imperius Curse is hard to resist,” Remus said gently.

“If it was that.”

“You’re not sure?” Remus asked.

Sirius met Remus’s eyes.

“Right now?” He said. “I’m not sure of anything.”

Remus felt a chill pass down his spine. It didn’t seem long ago that Sirius had told him he trusted him. Now…

He stood and grabbed the firewhiskey, quickly retreating to the kitchen so he could stow it away.

“Remus.”

He heard the chair clatter as Sirius pushed away and stood. Approaching footsteps told him that Sirius was right behind him. They were halfway to the kitchen when Sirius took Remus by the arm and gently pulled Remus to face him.

“I didn’t mean about you,” he said softly. “You’re one of the few good things I have in my life right now. It’s everything else that doesn’t make sense.”

“No, you’re right,” Remus said. The tension between his shoulders hadn’t abated. “Nothing makes sense now.” He took Sirius’s hand in his own.

“Not even this?”

Remus might have laughed if Sirius weren’t looking at him so earnestly.

“This makes the least sense of all,” Remus said. He was still grasping the firewhiskey and had to remind himself not to loosen his grip. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want it.” He leaned in slowly, giving Sirius the time to pull away from the kiss.

He didn’t.

After a long moment, Sirius took the firewhiskey from Remus’s hands and, hesitantly breaking the kiss, he set it aside. He then turned back to Remus and wrapped his arms around him. He didn’t kiss him again though, only held him close.


	12. Chapter 12

It was March by the time they went out again. Remus’s birthday was approaching and he couldn’t make enough excuses to counter Sirius’s stubbornness. The evening ended with the waitresses gathering around a blushing Remus, singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

Not wanting to risk leading any possible spies to headquarters, they had apparated to Sirius’s house when they were done and Sirius was fumbling as he unlocked it.

“That is not going to happen again,” Remus said.

“You didn’t even enjoy the chocolate cake?” Sirius teased, turning to look at him, a smile lighting up his face.

“That part of the evening I wouldn’t mind repeating. It was everything else I minded.” Remus found himself smiling back, in spite of himself.

“Well, I’ll keep that in mind the next time you want me to touch your—” The door finally clicked open and Sirius swung it open. “After you.”

Remus paused a moment to look at Sirius. They hadn’t done much lately, Sirius had been too depressed and distracted while Remus was still recovering from the full moon. Now that they were both healthy, Remus couldn’t deny the growing hunger inside of him for more than a quick fumble when they were alone in headquarters. Remus longed for more. He wanted to feel those fingers around his cock, have that mouth upon him. But more than that he felt a need, driving and consuming, to hold Sirius down and take him. Fuck him until they were both exhausted and incoherent.

It frightened him.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Sirius said as he watched Remus, who was still standing in the doorway.

“I should go back,” Remus said as he stepped in the door. He grasped the door handle and closed it behind him. He stepped forward to kiss Sirius and didn’t trust himself to make it anything but brief.

“Did I do something?” Sirius asked, perplexed.

“No, it’s not you.” _It’s these urges. It’s instinct taking over and I don’t know what to do with it._ “You’re wonderful.” Remus wound his arms around Sirius and kissed him again, longer and deeper and he almost lost himself. “Later?” He offered when he pulled away.

At some point during their kiss Sirius had tangled his fingers in Remus’s hair. His eyes were hazy with lust but that didn’t prevent him from pulling away, however reluctantly. “Later.” He agreed. “Saving yourself?”

“Oh yes, I’ll make it up to you.” Remus smiled, relieved that Sirius hadn’t taken this personally as he’d done with so many things of late.

But Remus’s smile faded the moment he had flooed home. He shouldn’t have left. He should have stayed. He should have offered to spend the night with Sirius and let him take him and…

Remus sighed. He went into his bedroom to change out of his clothes and fell onto the mattress. By closing his eyes he might have shut out the world but he could not escape from his thoughts.

\---

Remus did not sleep easy that night. It was the usual insomnia. He was still second guessing himself from earlier that night. All he wanted at that moment was to fall asleep but after several hours of restless turning, he finally relented and rose. He washed his face and went downstairs to look over some books Dumbledore wanted him to read, yawning as he flipped through the pages.

The book Dumbledore had recommended was a series of essays on the history of the persecution of nonwizard species. The focus was on goblins but there was a section on werewolves, vampires, giants, hags, and others.

He was halfway through an essay when he heard a loud crashing sound and saw red sparks from the hallway leading to the house’s entrance. Remus immediately grabbed his wand. A moment ago he felt like he could have fallen asleep but now adrenaline flooded his body. His heart pounded in his chest.

He knew what he had to do. He had to find and destroy as much confidential information as he could before the Death Eaters could find it. He also knew he probably was not getting out of this alive. He was not going to see Sirius again. He was going to die here, one more victim of Voldemort. If this was how his life would end he was going to make it memorable.

He cast a fire barrier to block the hall, then went for the hidden stashes, burning each one he could find. He heard the Death Eaters cast a neutralizing spell on the barrier. At least it had bought him time. He was still racing from room to room when they found him. Remus responded immediately and instinctively, casting a particularly powerful hex he’d learned from James and Sirius, remembering the way Sirius had held his arm when he corrected his movement. He would never feel that touch again.

Remus barely dodged a curse fired in response. He was not going to be able to get to everything in time. They were closing in on him, trapping him. He cast another fire spell but this was not a barrier. This would spread rapidly and burn everything, including Remus himself, eventually. Even though he was sure of his inevitable fate, Remus was not going to lie down and let the fire take him. Once the Death Eaters started screaming and backing up, Remus took his chance. This was now beyond his magical training. He knew what to do in theory but not in practice. He did not know if in actuality a shielding charm would work to block out the fire. It turned out it blocked out only enough for Remus to get through, not enough to keep it from setting his robes on fire.

The Death Eaters first stepped back when they saw a body barrel through the doorway, enveloped in flames, then laughed and raised their wands.

“Protego!”

It was incredibly hard to block spells, cast protective ones, dodge, and try to get out of your burning robes at the same time. Remus cast another fire spell in the center of the Death Eater crowd. That sent them scrambling and gave him enough time to rip off his robes. In the meantime, the Death Eaters gave up on their assault and focused on their own survival. As they fled for the exit, Remus fought his way through to the stairs. There were still more papers he needed to ensure were gone. Not to mention if he tried to leave through the door he was going to be killed immediately. He ran down the hall, watching the flames flick up through the floor. He choked on the smoke that condensed around the ceiling and had to crouch. What had he been thinking?

Remus found the last stash of papers and burned them all. He hoped the rest had either already been consumed in the fire or were about to be. He’d done what he could. He prepared himself to meet his fate, to close his eyes and spent his last moments thinking of Sirius, when he realized there was a window on that room. Wrenching it open, he discovered the Death Eaters had yet encircled the house. If he jumped out as he was they would kill him immediately. But…

Remus went out into the hall. There was a Death Eater lying there, either unconscious or dead. Not allowing himself a moment to question what he was doing, Remus stripped him of his robes and mask and quickly put them on. It had been difficult to breathe before, choking on smoke, but now the mask was suffocating. Still, he had to move-- had no choice but to do so--- and he returned to the room.

Before he could think about how much this would hurt, Remus vaulted through the window and out of the house. He hit the ground with a thud but heard none of his bones crack. His magical powers were good for something, it seemed.

Remus saw several figures surround him. He didn’t have much time before they found him out. His body still screamed in protest but he staggered onto his feet. He was nowhere near calm enough to apparate but he had no other choice. He turned and focused on the first place that came to mind. There was a crack and he was gone.

\---

When Remus popped into existence on Sirius’s doorstep, he knew at once that something had gone wrong. The spike of blinding pain that shot up his leg overwhelmed him and he forgot all about how his lungs were burning and his eyes still stung. Screaming, unable to support his own weight, he fell to the ground at once. This wasn’t like the transformation he endured every month. This was sharp, intense, and the very air against his leg hurt. And yet Remus struggled against the pain, raising his hands to his face.

_Get the mask off. Get it off. If he finds you like this you’re dead. Get it off._

Somehow, he managed to rip off the Death Eater’s mask.

_Go to the door. Get up, Lupin. Get up!_

But he couldn’t. Oh God, he couldn’t.

Remus hadn’t noticed the door opening. He had no idea that Sirius was there until he heard the man’s cry.

“Remus!” Sirius wrapped his arms around the werewolf and pulled him into his lap. “What—” There was the sharp intake of air as he realized what Remus was wearing.

Remus knew what this must look like and he was sure in that moment that Sirius had flashed back to after they had been attacked, when he ripped off Mordecai’s mask. Now history was repeating itself in his eyes but he didn’t understand.

“Trust me.” Remus rasped, trying to force himself to at least sit. He failed and collapsed back onto the floor, practically screaming from pain.

In the next moment Sirius had grabbed Remus’s body and turned him onto his stomach, rolling up the robes to expose his leg. His touch was not nearly a loving caress. It was too methodical for that. He was looking for injuries and he found them.

“They found headquarters. Burned—” Remus sucked in a shallow breath that almost escaped him in another cry. “Had to wear this to get out.”

“You splinched yourself. I can’t—” Through his own pain Remus could hear the panic that threatened to break Sirius’s control. He pulled his wand out of his robes and pointed it at Remus.

“Sirius—” Remus stretched his hand toward him, fearing the worst.

“Leviosa.” Sirius cast the spell and raised Remus into the air. “Don’t move your leg,” he said as he waved his wand so Remus would drift inside.

Sirius quickly closed the door behind Remus. “You need a mediwzard.”

“Can’t. Too many questions.”

Sirius was still waving him further into the house. It was an odd sensation, floating in midair under someone else’s control but Remus was in too much pain to dwell on it. The rest of Sirius’s house went drifting by him, unappreciated and unnoticed until they reached the bedroom.

Sirius lowered him onto the bed. “Wait,” he said before nearly running out of the room.

When he returned a few moments later, he had the now familiar bottle of dittany. He immediately set to work, stripping Remus of his robes and dropping dittany onto his leg. Remus yelled as the liquid made contact with his flesh. He made the mistake of looking down and saw a large chunk of his leg-- skin, tissue, and muscle-- had disappeared.

Sirius took out his wand and cast multiple healing spells as the dittany sank in but the tissue was slow to grow.

Remus grit his teeth and pressed his face to the pillow. He balled the bedsheets in his fists and took deep breaths as his leg took its time reforming. There was no keeping track of how long it was before the pain eased.

“That’s the best I can do,” Sirius said, sinking onto the bed next to Remus. He stroked Remus’s head with his hand. “What happened?”

Remus’s breathing was still unsteady and so it took some time to rasp out the explanation. He told Sirius about how the Death Eaters had broken into the house in spite of the wards, that Remus scrambled to destroy all the information they’d hidden away, how he’d set fire to the house when it was clear that was impossible. And then he told him about leaving the Death Eater for dead while he escaped in his robes.

As he spoke Sirius moved his hand to rub Remus’s back. It was a welcome distraction from the pain.

“I’ll contact Dumbledore,” he said but before standing he bent over and kissed Remus’s forehead. “You’re safe now.” Sirius’s hand shook as he stroked Remus’s cheek. “You’re safe.”

Remus tried to respond but by the time he regained control of his voice, Sirius was gone. Several minutes passed before he returned again.

“Moody’s leading a team to clear out headquarters. Dumbledore will be here shortly.” He paused and drew closer. “Merlin, I can’t believe this happened.” Once more he sat next to Remus on the bed.

Remus tried to sit up but all it earned him was a muffled cry.

“Don’t try to move yet. Your leg is still healing. Do you need more dittany? I can—”

Remus had enough strength to reach out and take Sirius’s shaking hands in his own. “I’m fine.”

“You were almost killed, Remus.” Sirius’s voice rose with almost every word and it trembled as badly as his hands. “How can you be—”

Remus tugged Sirius’s hands lower, signaling for him to lie down next to him. When he did, Remus grabbed Sirius by the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss as hard as it was desperate. The force of it was close to bruising but Sirius didn’t try to move away, instead returning the kiss. As his fingers buried in Remus’s hair, Remus’s dug into Sirius’s black locks. When they finally pulled away Remus stared almost fiercely into his eyes.

“I love you.”

If he had been standing Sirius might have staggered. It looked as if he would. But after a moment he recovered.

“I love you too.” He leaned in again and kissed Remus, this time tenderly. “I love—”

The doorbell rang and Sirius moaned into the kiss, finally pushing himself up off of the bed. “I love you.” He whispered.

Before he slipped away, he went to the drawer and pulled out some night robes. He helped Remus sit up and pulled the robes over his shoulders and down his body. Sirius gave him one last kiss before moving toward the door. “I’ll be right back.” And then he was gone.

Remus wasn’t left to his thoughts for long. Dumbledore arrived and Remus had no choice but to go over what had happened again, in detail this time. Instead of fighting to hold back tears, Remus was numb. None of the events he related seem to have any attachment to him on anything more than an intellectual level. But when he told how he had stripped off the Death Eater’s robes he felt a sob rise up in his throat. He forced it back down and bent his head to hide tears.

“You had no other choice, Remus. You might have died otherwise.”

“He’s dead though. He’s dead because of me.” Remus didn’t know why he suddenly cared about a Death Eater, someone who could very well be not only a torturer but a murderer as well.

“Need I remind you that he attacked you. You acted in self-defense. You could hardly drag his body out of the window with you. You had the choice of whether to save your life or to let yourself die. And if you had not chosen as you did then we would not be sitting here. I am grateful for that.”

Dumbledore’s words passed over Remus but they had a calming effect regardless.

“Is that all?” Remus asked, voice blank.

“For now,” Dumbledore said and he walked to the door. “I shall leave you to Sirius’s capable hands.”

_Half the Order knows,_ Sirius had said. Well, Remus knew of at least one person who was aware of their relationship. But for once Remus couldn’t bring himself to bother being anxious about it.

When Sirius walked in the room, he sat beside Remus and took the man’s hand in his own. His gaze never wavered from Remus’s eyes.

“You can stay here for as long as you want. It’ll be a while until we can find headquarters and—”

“Sirius,” Remus said softly. Drained of the energy that had seen him through the night, he was too tired to do more than squeeze his lover’s hand. “I don’t want to think about that tonight.”

Sirius nodded. “Of course, you’re tired and—”

“Can we rest?” Remus glanced down at the blood stains seeped into the covers.

Following his gaze, Sirius raised his wand and cast a vanishing spell. The stain was not entirely gone but it was no longer damp.

Sirius set his wand on the nightstand. “Your wand is on the kitchen table,” he said gently, pulling the covers up from under Remus. “You dropped it outside.”

“Thank you. Now—”

“Sleep, yes.”

Remus cringed when Sirius pulled the covers from under his legs but he could no longer complain when Sirius pulled the blankets over them both. Sirius lay down on his back and Remus curled up on his side.

“I love you.” Sirius told him as he stroked his head.

As Remus slipped into sleep he heard the words “I don’t ever want to lose you.”


	13. Chapter 13

Screams and flames haunted Remus until his ears rang and fire crackled against his skin. He woke with a violent start, one that must have woken Sirius too since his arms tightened around Remus.

“It’s all right.”

Sirius’s words and his body pressed warm against him only enhanced Remus’s disorientation as did the unfamiliar surroundings. Confused, sweating, and gasping for breath, he settled back into Sirius’s arms as the other man shifted onto his back and cradled Remus against his chest.  
The heat of Sirius’s body was unlike the fire in Remus’s dream but it burned all the same. In the midst of that unsettling but now familiar need, Remus’s mind came into crystal clear focus. It was little wonder he initially couldn’t recall how he got here when so much of it was blurred by pain. Once he’d escaped headquarters, the only place he’d thought to go was here. Not their backup location. Here, with Sirius, who Remus knew would look after him. Sirius, who he needed. Who he loved.

“Sirius.” Remus shifted and pushed himself up so he was staring down at him.

The darkness obscured the details of Sirius’s features but Remus could see his eyes flutter open. Still tired, he gazed back through half lidded eyes. His lips parted, no doubt ready to form words, but they never got the chance. Remus leaned forward, suppressing a hiss at the pain that shot through his leg as he straddled Sirius. And then he kissed him.

Whatever the Gryffindor had been about to say was muffled, as was the soft moan he let out. Encouraged, Remus pressed his hips against him. This time the change in weight left him whimpering in pain.

Moving his hands to Remus’s waist, Sirius gently pushed him on his back, flat against the bed. Remus’s arms circled his lover’s shoulders and brought him close for another kiss. No longer having to support himself, Remus had no more protests from his injured leg and he could focus entirely on Sirius. Inexperienced as he was, he needed no guidance when it came to rocking against the man. Their exhaustion diminished none of their passion although the pace was slow as they ground their hips together. A shock went through Remus every time Sirius brushed his growing erection. Judging from Sirius’s moans and his arousal pressed so close to Remus’s, he approved just as much.

Sirius gently nipped Remus’s lower lip before pulling away. When the kiss broke, Remus gasped, not so much for lack of air as at the unbridled pleasure running along his body, pulsing from wherever they touched. Opening his eyes, he found Sirius staring at him, a soft smile playing across his lips. In the darkness Remus could read nothing more than a look of tenderness on his face.

Remus buried his fingers in Sirius’s long black hair and brought him in for another kiss. “Take me,” he said before claiming his lips.

When Sirius tried to pull away to respond, Remus held him firm. The werewolf slipped his free hand under the other man’s shirt and stroked down his spine and over the small of his back before dipping lower and under his pants. This time Remus let Sirius draw back. Sirius’s harsh and uneven breaths fell upon Remus’s lips.

“You’re sure—”

“Yes.” Remus cut him off. At the same time he answered nonverbally with a roll of his hips that left him shaking and Sirius groaning.

Even with Sirius’s weight bearing down on him and the rush of sensation it produced, Remus couldn’t escape the images of mere hours before.

_I could have died. I could have died and I would never have seen his face now. Wouldn’t have heard him or felt…_

Remus let go of his lover’s ass so he could pull the man’s shirt over his head. He didn’t look away as he cast it aside. He’d seen Sirius shirtless before. The man had removed it many times over the course of their relationship as he eased Remus into what they were about to do now. Remus had not, however, run his hands over the hard muscles of Sirius’s exposed torso often enough for it not to be a novelty. But he had never been firmer in the belief that he could see Sirius naked countless times and would still be affected as much as he was now. He spread his palms over Sirius’s chest, eager to feel as much of him as possible. He trailed his hands down past Sirius’s stomach and reached his pants.

“Wait.” Sirius’s hands closed around Remus’s and pulled them away as he sat up. He fumbled for something on the nightstand.

The dittany, Remus realized when Sirius opened the bottle. The smell of it filtered through the room and he grew more alert in response.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Sirius explained as he held Remus’s injured leg and spread the dittany over it. Even with him being careful, Remus still winced when his lover massaged it into this raw skin. The pain was only momentary as soon all he could focus on was Sirius’s steady hands moving over him.

“Sirius.” Remus whispered.

Sirius let go of Remus’s leg and pushed himself up on the bed. He sought out Remus’s lips with his own. His hands slid under Remus’s robes and pushed them up over his body. They finally had to part in order to raise it above his head. As soon as it was off, Sirius threw it away and then his lips were upon Remus again.

Moaning, Remus’s hands slipped below the waistband of Sirius’s pants. Sirius brought his own hands down to Remus’s pants and together, with some effort and a bit of awkwardness, they removed his clothes. They kicked them off further down the bed. Remus brought his hands up to cup Sirius’s face and draw him into another kiss, one that ended in a groan as Sirius brought his entire body against Remus’s. They’d never both been nude in front of the other and while Remus had experienced the pull of grinding against Sirius before, it wasn’t like this. He could feel Sirius’s bare cock brushing his own and before he realized what he was doing he was reaching between them and taking Sirius in his hand.

Sirius caught his wrist before he could do anything more. He broke away from a searing kiss and looked into Remus’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” He asked.

Remus bucked his hips forward into Sirius and their cocks brushed again. “Yes.” Remus nearly whimpered.

Sirius had closed his eyes and when he opened them he gave Remus a parting kiss before rolling away and fumbling with the nightstand drawer. Remus was speechless for a moment before he realized what Sirius was going for. Not wanting to waste a moment, Remus shoved the covers down, leaving himself entirely exposed, scars and all. They weren’t completely visible in the dark but after helping him for several full moons, Sirius knew where they were already and he didn’t care.

When Sirius turned to face Remus again, he didn’t kiss his lips as he spread the lubricant onto his fingers. Instead he slid down Remus’s body, kissing his stomach and lower, until he took Remus in his mouth.

Sirius had only ever brought him off with his hands before, or simply the friction of them grinding together. It had never been like this. Warmth closed in around him and it nearly overwhelmed Remus, causing him to cry out. He arched his back and Sirius took the opportunity to slip one hand under his ass and slid a lubricated finger inside of him. Remus gasped. He tried to hold still, to keep from thrusting into Sirius’s mouth but that was easier said than done. This was much, much more different than a wank in the shower. This was Sirius. Sirius had his mouth around him and his fingers inside him. He actually wanted Remus, when no one else would so much as think about him like that. Sirius more than wanted him. He loved him.

Under Sirius’s talented attention, tongue and mouth enveloping him again and again as he moved over him, Remus almost didn’t notice Sirius working him open. It was uncomfortable but dimly and after the pain he experienced on a monthly basis it was nothing.

All too soon, Sirius let go of Remus’s cock, withdrawing and grinning at Remus, his lips covered in precum. Remus felt a shiver run down his spine at the sight of him.

“Are you ready?” Sirius asked, bringing up his free hand to wipe his lips.

“Yes.” Remus breathed.

While he had no doubts that, if he were truly uncomfortable now, Sirius would stop, the thought didn’t occur to Remus. Not when they were so close. Not when in a few short moments they would be together in a way that Remus had only fantasized before.

“It’s easier if you’re on your hands and knees but…” Sirius mumbled, eyelids still heavy from waking in the middle of the night, or maybe they were lidded with lust. Whatever the case, Sirius ran his hands over Remus’s thighs and spread them apart. “Since you’re hurt.”

Remus’s breath caught in his throat as he gazed at Sirius, who took his own cock in his hand, spreading the last of the lube over it. He glanced up at his lover, seeming to ask permission. Remus nodded at him. Sirius pressed his cock to Remus’s entrance and slid inside.

Remus would never be able to describe that moment. There was pain and it felt foreign, but then he relaxed and there was something inexplicably comforting to know that it was Sirius inside of him. He had hoped it would be a more pleasurable experience, Sirius was certainly groaning, but it drew a gasp from him nonetheless.

Sirius thrust into him gently. He leaned over him and placed one hand on the mattress next to his lover’s head to support himself while the other kept Remus steady by grasping his hip. He rolled his hips forward as he kissed Remus, steadily driving into him as he parted his lips and allowed Remus to press his tongue between them.

Remus grasped at Sirius’s back, fingers digging into skin. He didn’t notice it at first but soon, as Sirius shifted, trying out new angles, he felt a growing sensation of pleasure that had him whimpering into Sirius’s mouth. He drew away to pant. He saw a smile flicker across Sirius’s face as he thrust in again at the same angle, deeper this time and the sensation spread across Remus stronger than ever. He moaned. His nails bit into Sirius’s skin, dragging welts across his back.

“Sirius…”

Sirius closed his eyes as he thrust harder this time. Remus bucked into him at the same time and from there they were in time with each other, thrust for thrust. Sirius’s breaths came in sharp, heavy gasps. Their names were on each other’s lips as they moved and the pleasure and tension built inside them both. It came rippling over Remus in waves, inundating him but rising slowly. That was until Sirius leaned back and took Remus’s cock in his hand, stroking him as surely as ever, teasing at first, then quickly but always with skill. Fingers brushed over the tip of his cock before stroking back down again and then up only to repeat the movement.

In time, as their cries grew louder, the bucking of Sirius’s hips became more erratic, his hand less sure. Remus, for his part, could barely meet his thrusts. He was yelling Sirius’s name while Sirius was nearly incoherent, whispering words that made no sense, loud, broken assurances that Remus could barely string together.

And then it came over him in a flood, washing over every inch his body until he was drowning with pleasure and release. It was blinding, consuming, and incredible. He was crying out something, something that sounded like Sirius’s name though Remus couldn’t be sure, and in the next moment he realized he had come in Sirius’s hand.

When Remus’s eyes came into focus he saw what might have been a smirk on Sirius’s face if the man hadn’t been crying out. He thrust into Remus again and again Remus met him. That was all it took. Sirius stopped inside of Remus, hips jerking into him. His mouth parted, his jaw dropped open and he let out a sharp cry as he came inside of Remus.

Both of them were breathing heavily when Sirius pulled away from Remus and sank back onto the bed beside him. After a sidelong glance, Sirius turned to his lover and pulled him into an embrace. No words were exchanged and they lay tangled together until well after sleep claimed them both.

\---

“Remus?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m going to make breakfast.”

“Mmm.”

Remus was dimly aware of the sudden absence of warmth but he couldn’t put a reason to it. Sirius’s words hadn’t registered. Nothing had in his state of half sleep. All he knew was that he was cold, tired, and coated in a layer of sweat. In time, he was jerked from his slumber by a stabbing pain that shot up his leg. Instead of dulling his senses, it sharpened them and he tried sitting up. The slight movement only made the pain worse. Gritting his teeth, Remus looked around, confused for the moment until last night’s events came rushing back to him. Fire and death and then…

Oh Merlin, they’d really…

He desperately needed a shower but the pain overrode all thoughts of cleaning up. There on the nightstand, within reach, was the dittany. Without hesitation Remus took it and poured it onto his injured leg. The skin was red and raw but it responded better than the wounds he inflicted on himself every full moon. He waited a few minutes for the pain to subside before standing.

He had no new clothes to change into, just Sirius’s spare robe that had been discarded last night before making love. Still, it was better than nothing. He wasn’t exactly ready to find Sirius while wearing no clothes at all. As enjoyable as last night had been, he didn’t feel up for another round.

Donning the robe, Remus stepped lightly through the hall until he reached the bathroom. It was smaller than he’d imagined and he supposed it made up for the spaciousness of the rest of the home. He started the water in the shower, stepped inside, and tried to collect his thoughts but they were jumbled. As much as he would have liked to dwell on Sirius rocking into him, holding him down by his hips, and kissing him, Remus found himself haunted by images of the Death Eaters attacking. Images of hexes whirling back and forth, of fire enveloping the house with alarming speed, destroying everything. And suddenly it occurred to Remus that he had nothing, not even the clothes on his back.

When Remus stepped out of the shower he found Sirius in the kitchen, clothed in a rumpled shirt and denims, flipping eggs over the frying pan with his wand while he poured orange juice. He looked up the moment he heard Remus enter.

“Did you save some hot water for me?”

“You don’t have it charmed?” Remus shot back.

“No, I do. I was trying to be smart.” He left the fried eggs to lie where they were, abandoning the drinks he’d just finished pouring as he made his way over to Remus. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I just escaped certain death only to be thoroughly shagged.” Remus tried to sound light. His hands went up to grasp Sirius’s collar, toying with it briefly. “I’m in shock, I suppose.”

“Do you—”

Remus knew what Sirius was about to say and cut him off. “I don’t regret what we did at all. I’m still sorting out what happened before that. I nearly…” He trailed off. “You’ll burn the eggs.” He finished.

“I can make new ones.” Sirius’s hands covered Remus’s as he spoke. “It’s not hard.”

“I didn’t know you're a chef.” Remus tried to smile.

Sirius laughed lightly. “Not much of one but eggs aren’t that hard.” He sobered and stared at Remus with wide, earnest eyes. “If you need to talk about it.”

“No. I just need to figure out my next plan.”

“You can stay with me as long as you want,” Sirius said. “If you’re comfortable.”

Last night Remus had panicked at the thought of sleeping with Sirius and practically fled his house. Now here he was considering moving in with the man.

“Or I can set you up in a flat. It really doesn’t…”

Remus pulled his hands away from Sirius’s collar. He’d been playing with the button and didn’t trust himself not to undo it without his conscious thought.

“I’d like to stay with you.” He forced himself to speak clearly and not in a whisper.

Sirius swallowed. “Right. And you can wear my clothes until we get you more.”

“One step at a time, Sirius,” Remus said. He glanced at the small table in the kitchen. Before taking a seat, he walked over to the glasses of orange juice and took one. “And the first step is breakfast.”


	14. Chapter 14

Two days after Headquarters had burned, both Remus and Sirius walked down the streets. It was late in the night and there was a chill to the air. Every now and then they would glance over their shoulder. They were constantly scanning, searching for any threat. Sirius’s bravado was what kept Remus going and they talked as if nothing was the matter. That didn’t prevent Sirius from offering multiple times to have Remus lean on him even though his leg had healed quickly.

If it were up to them, they wouldn’t be here at all but they were out on business. Headquarters had been destroyed but the Order of the Phoenix needed to meet more than ever because of it. Their current, temporary meeting place was a run down and abandoned building on the outskirts of London. It was discreet and out of the way but had only hastily erected wards.

“I’d feel better if you’d at least take my arm.”

“Sirius, we broke in both your bed and your couch. Next to that, a little walking is nothing.” Remus wrapped his arms around himself as he shivered. So much for the approaching spring.

He glanced over at Sirius only to see him looking at him with an expression of longing on his face. Suddenly Remus would have liked nothing more than to give in to his offer but—

“We’re almost there,” he said, picking up the pace.

“Yeah.” Sirius looked away from Remus at last. “We are.”

Not five minutes passed before they reached the building. It wasn’t as dilapidated as Remus had pictured it, fortunately, but still musty. Alastor Moody greeted them at the door and gave them both a thoroughly appraising look before letting them inside.

“You’ve got a lot to explain, Lupin.”

Remus sighed. “I know.”

They were not the first to arrive but nor were they the last. From the look of it Caradoc, Fabian, Gideon, and Peter were missing. They came trickling in over the last fifteen minutes, with Peter the last to arrive.

“I got lost.” Peter blinked nervously as he came into the room at last.

“Why am I not surprised,” Caradoc said dryly.

“You’ve no room to talk, you were late too.” James shot back.

There were no chairs or even couches and so they all stayed standing in a large, empty room, illuminated only by magical floating lights. Albus Dumbledore waved his hand and Remus felt some of the tension dissipate in the room as they all gave the elderly wizard their attention.

“You all know of the destruction of our headquarters but not the details. Death Eaters managed to overwhelm the building’s defenses and broke in. Fortunately, Remus was able to destroy most of the sensitive documents before managing to escape with his life.”

Remus felt all of his companions’ eyes upon him. He kept watching Dumbledore, waiting for when he had to speak but Dumbledore did not indicate him.

At the last words several of the Order looked sharply at Dumbledore.

“Most of the documents?”

“Several remain unaccounted for.”

Remus closed his eyes and let out a breath. His most important duty in the Order, one of his only ones, and he had failed.

“Fortunately, it is nothing that implicates any of us here as being Order members and we can easily create new plans.”

“If you ask me we need to scrap everything.” Moody rasped. “It’s plain as day that we’ve been compromised. How else could they have found it?”

“They may have monitored the floo network or noticed that we were all congregating in one place.” Frank broke in. He unfolded his arms from his chest and wrapped one around his wife. “It’s one of the risks we take. I don’t see any way around it.”

“Frank’s right.” Hagrid’s voice reverberated throughout the room. “It’s no good pointin’ fingers.”

“It’s still a possibility,” Emmeline Vance said slowly.

Remus saw several people send furtive glances his way. He knew what they were thinking. It was not just the thought that he was a werewolf. No, there was also the fact that he lived at headquarters, he knew the defenses better than most of them, and he had escaped with his life.

“So what?” James’s voice was strong and carried over the mumbles that Emmeline’s comment prompted. “Even if there is a traitor, and I can’t imagine any one of you of being capable of that. There’s no way to determine who it is. I will not live in fear. There’s too much of that already.”

“That is enough.” Dumbledore spoke and immediately there was silence save for his voice. “There is no evidence that anyone provided information to the Death Eaters. In either case, we must be prepared for new attacks. This is the first stage of an assault, that much is clear. We must be ready for it. I want you all—” And here his gaze landed on several members, James and Sirius not the least of which. “To be especially careful. I believe Alastor is right that we will have to revise our plans. As such, I will be in contact with each of you shortly.”

Dumbledore moved on to different details, none of which concerned Remus. He could barely hear it anyway. All he could focus on were the looks people shot his way. It was after the meeting ended that the question he was expecting came. Moody pulled him aside. Seeing that Remus stayed behind while everyone was filtering out, Sirius remained within earshot.

“I’m curious, Lupin.” Moody began, both eyes fixed on him. “How did you escape?”

Remus tensed. He could feel all eyes upon him at once as he relayed what had happened. He hesitated before admitting that he had to don Death Eater robes.

Moody’s eyes darted to Sirius at once. “And he arrived on your doorstep dressed as a Death Eater?”

“He’d removed the mask. And he splinched himself getting to my house in the first place.”

“Not why I was asking.” Moody looked at them both. “Don’t get him into too much trouble, Black,” He said before stumping off.

\---

The next few days were a whirl of activity. Remus found himself reliving the attack more times than he could count, both in recounting it to others and in his own mind. He was lucky that Sirius was not busy with a mission. He had emptied his Gringotts vault in order to buy new clothes and Sirius had to cover the rest of the essentials. The man didn’t mind but Remus did and he refused Sirius’s offer to buy him new books. In the end, he gave up and Sirius at least bought him the presents he’d given him for Christmas again.

But there were things he couldn’t replace. He kept most of his parents’ keepsakes in his Gringotts vault but he’d had several pictures and old books that were theirs. They had comforted him when he was dejected and inspired him when he had his own doubts about what he was doing. Now they were gone.

There were other issues after he’d moved in. He’d always been suspicious of Sirius’s alcohol use, given throwaway comments and the way he would down it quickly. Living with him only confirmed his fears. He wouldn’t label Sirius as an alcoholic, but he was on his way there judging by the bottles he kept in the refrigerator.

Remus was clearing out the refrigerator one afternoon and he saw that Sirius had restocked his virtual collection of firewhiskey.

“Sirius.” He called.

“I told you, I had no idea those eggs had expired.” Sirius replied from the living room.

“That’s not what I was going to talk to you about,” Remus said as he carried two bottles of firewhiskey into the living room and held them up.

“Oh, that.” Sirius’s voice was flat and he merely shrugged at Remus before brushing past him. “If it bothers you that much I’ll clear out the fridge. But I don’t see what’s got your knickers in a twist. It’s just—”

“Sirius, there are better ways to deal with—”

“With what?” Sirius asked sharply, turning back to face Remus. “Who says I’m dealing with anything?”

Remus moved into the kitchen and set the firewhiskey down on the table. “We’re all dealing with something with this war going on. People are going missing, we’ve both lost people we love.”

“So what?” Sirius folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against the refrigerator. “You want me to talk about my feelings? Weren’t you just telling me how sick you are of talking about headquarters?”

“That’s different—”

The doorbell rang as Remus finished his statement.

“Expecting someone?” He asked.

Sirius shrugged and unfolded his arms. Pushing off of the refrigerator, he walked past Remus and toward the front door. “It’s probably James dropping by. I’ll have to tell him he needs to warn me now that you’re here. Wouldn’t want him to walk in on us when we’re—” Sirius’s voice trailed off as he disappeared down the hall.

Remus shook his head, blushing slightly at the implications of Sirius’s statement, and grabbed the bottles of firewhiskey from the table. He was just about to replace them in the fridge when he heard Sirius’s shocked voice.

“Andromeda?”

_Andromeda?_ Remus’s brow furrowed at the strange name and stowed away the bottles.

“What are you doing here? What’s wrong?”

“Can we talk?” Remus could hear the tension in the woman’s voice.

Remus hesitated. He didn’t know what he should do, if he should stay here or walk into the hall to support Sirius as he heard what was likely going to be bad news.

“Of course. Is everyone all right? Ted? Dora?”

“They’re fine.”

Remus heard the door close.

“Hold on, there’s someone I want you to meet,” Sirius said before raising his voice. “Remus, come meet my cousin.”

Andromeda. Of course, he should have guessed. The star name.

Remus quickly made his way into the hall. There was a brunette, maybe ten years older than him, standing next to Sirius. Side by side, he could see the family resemblance in their fine, aristocratic features.

“Remus, this is Andromeda. Andromeda, this is my friend, Remus.”

Andromeda arched an eyebrow but she held out her hand to Remus, who shook it. “Nice to meet you,” she said.

“And you.” Remus replied, not quite believing that he was actually meeting a member of Sirius’s family. He had assumed that none of them were on speaking terms with Sirius.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” Andromeda said, turning to Sirius. “But can we talk privately?”

Remus was ready to duck out and find a room to hide out in for a while when Sirius spoke.

“I’d rather Remus stay, honestly.” He paused. “Is it bad?”

Andromeda stepped past Sirius. Evidently she knew her way around his house. “You’ll want to sit down,” she said as she moved into the living room.

Remus took Sirius’s arm as they were about to follow. “I don’t mind if you’d rather be alone.” He whispered.

“No, stay.” Sirius replied immediately.

Remus let go of his lover’s arm as they stepped into the den. If he hadn’t confided in Andromeda about his sexuality then Remus wasn’t about to out him now. Andromeda had taken a seat in one of the arm chairs, leaving Remus and Sirius to sit side by side on the couch. Remus tried to maintain what he thought was a decent distance.

“Alright, what is it?” Sirius asked. His face was already pale.

“It’s about Regulus. He’s all right,” she said quickly, seeing Sirius’s shocked expression. “Well, in a manner of speaking. I still have some friends from Hogwarts and they told me that…” She leaned forward and grasped one of Sirius’s hands. “He’s joined the Death Eaters.”

Whatever color was left in Sirius’s face drained. He seemed to sag in his seat and Remus clasped his shoulder with his hand, steadying him. After a moment Sirius righted himself and shrugged his shoulder to brush Remus off.

“I always knew he was an idiot,” he said softly. “I guess you heard from your friends in Slytherin?”

Andromeda stiffened and withdrew her hand from Sirius’s. “We’re not all bad, you know.”

“No, no, I know,” Sirius said absently, staring at the wall beside his cousin’s head. “Just figured… Do you know how long since he joined?”

Andromeda swept a lock of hair back behind her ear. “A few weeks maybe. My friend didn’t really have any specifics.”

“No, of course not.” Sirius mumbled.

Remus watched and tried to guess who exactly Regulus was. Someone both Sirius and Andromeda cared about, someone who would provoke such a strong reaction—another relative? A cousin or…

A brother.

Sirius laughed his own distinctive bark-like laugh but there was no amusement in it. “My parents must be proud.”

“Sirius…” Andromeda started.

Sirius cut her off. “Thanks for telling me, ‘Dromeda.” And then he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “How’s Dora?”

For a second Andromeda looked as though she was going to press the issue but she relented. “She’s fine. Growing like a weed and I swear her hair changes color every week.”

“Good. Good.” Sirius nodded. He clapped his hands over his thighs and stood. “Well, I won’t keep you from her. Thanks—” His smile faltered. “Thanks for telling me. I’ll send you an owl, alright?”

Andromeda stood and touched Sirius’s arm. “Sirius? If you want to talk—”

“No, no. I’m fine. Really. I just need some time to… I need time.” His face had lost the fake smile he’d worn as a shield. Without it he looked lost.

Andromeda hugged him. Even from the couch Remus could see Sirius tense as he wrapped his arms around his cousin. They stayed like that for a long moment, holding each other as they must have when they were younger, before Sirius had been disowned.

“Stay safe, alright?” Sirius said as he finally pulled away from the hug.

“I will. Take care of yourself.” She looked at Remus and nodded before Sirius showed her to the door.

When the door shut behind her, Remus waited for Sirius to return but he didn’t. Just when Remus had resolved to go and find him, he heard Sirius’s approaching footsteps. When he appeared in the doorway, his expression was solemn, a rarity and still an odd sight on Sirius Black.

“My brother,” he said, and he moved to sit by Remus. He sank onto the couch, leaning back against it and closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. He cracked his eyes open and stared up at Remus. “Did you even know I had one?”

“Not until now.” Remus replied and he couldn’t quite hide the resentment in his voice. There was a lot about Sirius’s past that he didn’t know. Sirius had only spilled it that one night when they were both drunk and coming home from James’s bachelor party.

“Well, I do. Did.” Sirius rubbed his temple with his index and middle finger. “He’s not exactly my brother anymore. He’s one year younger than I am and so full of himself that…” Sirius sighed again. “You don’t understand my family. Out of all the Blacks the only decent ones were Andromeda and Alphard and they were both blasted off the tapestry.”

“Tapestry?”

“Giant tapestry in my parents’ house.” Sirius said, making a frame over nothing with his hands. “Has the whole family’s names on it. You get blasted off the tapestry and you’re disowned. Andromeda was kicked out for marrying Ted Tonks-- he’s Muggleborn. My family is-- they’re obsessed with blood purity and all of that shit.

“Regulus always bought into it. So did I when I was young but Andromeda opened my eyes enough that when I got to Hogwarts I was finally able to break away.” Sirius gave Remus and almost apologetic glance.

Remus nodded. He reached to rub Sirius’s thigh in what he hoped was a reassuring and not lustful way. “It doesn’t matter to me what you used to believe. You were a child and you worked past it. I’m proud of that.”

“Yeah well, I wish I could say the same of Regulus.” Sirius looked at the floor.

“You love him.” Remus noted softly.

Sirius suddenly looked up, eyes blazing. “I hate him.” He almost spat. “You don’t understand, Remus. Your parents loved you and you loved them. My family… we don’t love each other. We just pretend to until the first sign of trouble and then.” He mimed blowing something up with his hand. “Bam. You’re out.”

“You’re not like that.” Remus nearly whispered.

Sirius’s eyes softened but his expression turned bitter. “I don’t think I love him. I know that I hate him. I don’t… I don’t know. I used to love him.” He rose to his feet and started pacing. “It was always complicated with the two of us. I was the one who was supposed to look after him, only he didn’t want it.” He waved his hand in front of him, then looked at Remus. “I tried to tell him, you know. When we were both at Hogwarts. I warned him about the Death Eaters but he never listened. I could see him falling when he never even noticed. He told me…” Sirius looked away again. “He never listened.”

Remus stood and took Sirius’s hand in his own. Sirius twitched as though he might pull away but then his fingers curled around Remus.

“I shouldn’t be like this. I left them. It’s over now.”

“Some scars take time to heal,” Remus said softly.

Sirius turned to him. “No,” he said. “And sometimes they hurt like hell.”

Remus pulled Sirius in his arms and held him. Sirius stiffened at first but then allowed the touch. He didn’t make any move to take the embrace a step further, keeping his hands on Remus’s back.

That was when Remus knew that although Sirius had run away from his parents’ home years ago, he had never managed to escape.


	15. Chapter 15

The full moon was over and Remus was stumbling worse than usual. This time the werewolf he had helped earlier, Connall, had been the one to help him stand and he half carried him to the floo network. Remus didn’t trust himself to apparate. When he arrived it was still dark. The full moon had set early while the sun rose almost lazily. Sirius was no doubt still asleep and Remus didn’t have the energy to wake him.

He made it to the couch just in time to collapse on it. There were sharp, shooting pains at various places on his body and it ached everywhere else. Remus’s eyelids slid shut. He buried his face in one of the cushions to muffle his groan.

His arm stung. He clasped his hand over it and felt the fabric of his robes damp with blood. Remus took a deep breath and then another. He forced himself off the couch and onto his feet. The world swayed and it was not just because of Remus’s uneven feet. He leaned heavily against the walls. His sight was going in and out of focus but he kept pushing himself forward. When he made it to the bathroom counter, he clung to it. It took all his effort not to sink to the floor.

After several moments to collect his strength, Remus sorted through the bottles in the cabinet. His sight was too hazy for him to read the labels so he made his best guesses judging by their appearance. Once he had them he slid to the floor, set the bottles down, and stared at them blankly, at a loss for what to do next. When it came back to him he stripped off his robes and grabbed the bottle that looked most like Skin Debreaker.

He poured the contents of the bottle onto his outstretched palm. It overflowed and spilled onto the floor. Remus didn’t care. He rubbed his right arm where the large gash was and then the rest of his battered body. When he had covered everything he could feel, he glanced at the rest of the bottles. It was too much. He didn’t have the strength to treat his bruises. He knew he should put the bottles away and find a proper place to rest or at least wake Sirius but he was tired and sore and the tile floor was cool against his skin. The empty bottle of Skin Debreaker fell from his hand. He lay down and closed his eyes.

In his dreams the full moon rose above him. He was running. There was a wolf behind him. He couldn’t see it but he knew it was there and gaining on him. He ran but his legs were heavy and he stumbled. From nowhere a man— Dumbledore— held out his hand. Dumbledore stared at him behind half-moon glasses and smiled but the moment Remus took his hand the smile turned into a sneer. The features of his face warped. His eyes turned yellow. His canines were pronounced, sharp, and gleaming with blood. Remus tried to pull back but the man (did he know him?) tightened his grip. The wolf was still behind him. Remus could hear it panting, drawing closer and closer.

Sirius called his name. The dream melted away. Remus was at home, in the Order’s headquarters before it had burned down. Sirius held him. His hands moved over Remus’s body and he whispered in his ear. At first Remus couldn’t understand what he was saying but over time his voice grew more distinct. Remus opened his eyes. The dream was gone. He was lying on the bed he shared with Sirius.

“…A bad idea.” Sirius spoke to himself as he massaged lotion into Remus’s bruises. “I never should have--” Sirius saw that Remus was awake. A small smile replaced his previously stern expression. “Good morning.” He cupped Remus’s face with one hand and ran his thumb over Remus’s cheek. “You gave me one hell of a surprise.”

“Sorry.” Remus mumbled.

“Do you feel as bad as you look?”

“Mmhmm.”

Sirius lightly kissed his lips. “Go back to sleep.”

Remus sighed in agreement. He closed his eyes. In a few minutes he was asleep. When he cried out Sirius took his hand and no nightmare could come between them.

\---

Remus woke twice and both times he closed his eyes and let sleep take him, unwilling to endure the pain. The third time his body hurt just as much but if he waited until it passed he would be in bed all day. Ignoring his protesting muscles, he rose. He had no idea what time it was and at that moment he didn’t care. After a long struggle, he made his way into the den. Sirius was working on the Daily Prophet crossword puzzle. The mirror he used to communicate with James rested on the coffee table. Sirius looked up when Remus entered. He set the paper aside.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” A pause. “And hungry.”

“There’s some leftovers from breakfast. I’ll get them.”

As if Remus didn’t know Sirius had made the meal specifically for him. He mumbled his thanks. While Sirius went to get the food, Remus grabbed the paper and took a seat at the dining table. He scanned the headlines. More deaths, more people missing. New Auror policies, safety tips, and an interview with Crouch took center stage.

_This is why you’re an Order member. This is why you have to go back next month._ It didn’t make him feel any better.

Sirius returned and set down a plate that was too big to be made of leftovers in front of Remus, along with some orange juice.

“Thanks.” Remus folded the newspaper back to the crossword puzzle and slid it to Sirius.

“You can keep reading.” Sirius offered, pushing back the paper.

“I’m not awake enough.” And his day was shaping up to be bad enough as it was.

Sirius nodded and took a seat across from Remus, taking the paper back and opening it to the crossword puzzle again. He hardly glanced at it. Remus pretended not to notice

The questions started after Remus took several bites.

“Those bruises weren’t all from you.” There was an edge to Sirius’s voice.

Remus had quickly shoved a large piece of bacon into his mouth the moment Sirius said the word “bruises.”

“Mmm.” He replied, staring at his plate.

“Do you want to talk about it?’

Remus took a sip of orange juice. “No.”

Sirius kept his eyes fixed on Remus. His hands formed a steeple in front of him. “Were you the only one in your cell?”

“I don’t want to talk about—”

Sirius cut him off. “Were you?”

“One werewolf per cell.” Remus’s voice was bitter. Despite his hunger, Remus was regretting getting out of bed.

“Then how did you get those bruises?” Sirius pressed the attack.

Remus had no choice but to dodge, or at least attempt to do so. “I must have hit the wall.”

“The bruises are on your arms, legs, and _neck_. If you’d hit the wall you would have broken your nose and bruised your shoulders.”

“Can I please finish my breakfast?” Remus snapped.

Sirius held up his hands. “By all means.”

Remus set to work on his meal, at times stabbing the food too forcefully with his fork. Sirius had gone back to his crossword puzzle but he hadn’t filled in a single word. Finally, he gave up on the pretense and pushed it aside. He at least had the courtesy not to resume staring at Remus, who soon finished eating. He drained the rest of his drink.

Remus looked at Sirius, who met his gaze almost immediately.

“They’re from restraints.” Remus’s attempts to hide the hostility in his voice failed.

“They obviously didn’t work.”

“Not for the whole night. But combined with some spells they had me effectively contained so they could retrieve _samples_.”

Sirius’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly but Remus took note of it.

“…For what?” Sirius asked.

“Research and most likely a way to cover costs. Those ingredients are difficult to procure.” And he was sure he didn’t want to know to whom they were going.

Sirius didn’t speak. His eyes were cold and distant. He looked at Remus’s arm. The cut was covered by Remus’s shirt but Sirius was no doubt remembering how it had looked that morning.

“You’re not going back,” he said finally.

“That’s not your decision.” Although Remus was inclined to agree with him.

“Do you want to?” Sirius sounded harsh but Remus knew that the anger wasn’t directed at him.

“No.” Remus admitted after a moment.

“Then you’re not going.” There was an air of finality to the statement. Sirius pushed his chair away from the table and stood.

Remus sighed. “It’s not as easy as that,” he said gently.

“The hell it isn’t.” Sirius snapped.

“Sirius—”

“You were passed out on the bathroom floor,” Sirius said and in his voice Remus could hear the pain and worry he must have felt. He could almost see his reaction as he stumbled upon his lover’s still form, lying on the tile, pale and perhaps seemingly lifeless.

“It’s my decision, Sirius.” Remus stated softly.

Sirius stared at him keenly. “Yes, it is.” His voice was calmer but still tense. “Your decision and not Dumbledore’s.”

Remus held Sirius’s gaze for several moments before looking away. “I don’t have any choice,” he said quietly.

“We’ll make another choice.”

Remus shook his head. “Sirius…”

“We can make room here. I’ll put up some wards and—”

Remus tried to stand but only succeeded in nearly falling out of his seat. He had to clutch the table to right himself.

“Remus—”

Sirius walked around the table. He grabbed Remus’s arm and steadied him.

Now upright, Remus rubbed at his face. “I’m too tired, to argue, Sirius.”

Sirius ran his hand over his lover’s arm and kissed his forehead. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

“No.” Remus replied faintly, letting his eyes close and resting his head against Sirius’s chest. “I’ll manage… Besides, you’ll only get excited and forgive me if I’m not up for _that_ yet.”

Sirius’s hand moved to run down Remus’s neck. “I can wait.”

They remained that way for some time. Sirius stroked the nape of Remus’s neck and Remus pressed his face against his chest, soothed by the man’s steady breathing and strong heartbeat.

“Don’t fight me on this, Sirius.” He murmured. “I don’t know if I can do this on my own.”

“You can.” Sirius assured him. He cupped Remus’s face in his hands and tilted his head back so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. “But you won’t have to.”


	16. Chapter 16

It wasn’t long before the Order had more cause to question whether or not they had a traitor in their midst. Hardly two weeks after Headquarters was destroyed, Fabian and Gideon were killed, not away on a mission, but ambushed in their own home. They’d fought back, that much was clear from the state of their house. Remus was grateful that Order meetings were less frequent because every time he felt people watching him and sometimes, in his darker moments, he misconstrued (he hoped) the way his close friends looked at him as well.

Since Fabian and Gideon died, they had instituted new, stricter policies about information. Those who could move to different homes did so. The Potters and Sirius remained where they were. Remus brought it up once, asking if Sirius wasn’t worried about it but he was adamant that he stay. He agreed with James. He didn’t want to live in fear. Remus didn’t press him.

Months passed before they found a new building that was suitable for headquarters and when they did Remus was tempted to be honest about his relationship with Sirius, to dash the pretense that Remus was living with him simply because he had nowhere else to stay. Sirius was certainly willing and most of the Order had seen past their story. But Remus felt it was his obligation to stay in their new base of operations. However regretfully, he moved out.

This presented new challenges for their relationship. Remus was told that Sirius seemed out of sorts, depressed even, but whenever they were with each other all Remus saw was love shining in Sirius’s eyes. After several months they had grown so used to living together that their time apart wore on them. After Order meetings their encounters consisted entirely of wandering hands, discarded clothes, and frantic love making.

Remus expected much the same for this meeting. It was over but there were several people taking the time to socialize after. Sirius drummed his fingers on the couch. He was leaning back and his eyes darted around the room impatiently but kept landing on Remus. Finally, after a meaningful glance Remus’s way, he got up and headed for the kitchen. Remus waited a moment, debating whether or not to follow, before finally standing. He made some excuse before joining Sirius.

Remus would have waited until the door closed behind him but Sirius moved first. The door shut just as he grabbed Remus by the collar and pulled him in for a kiss. While the fingers of one hand threaded through Remus’s hair, Sirius wound his arm around the man’s waist, bringing their bodies flush together. As much time as they’d had in the past for Remus to grow accustomed to their own frantic pace, they’d scarcely seen each other in a week. His body had ached at the solitude. Now it burned at Sirius’s touch and Remus gasped.

He buried his fingers in his lover’s hair and only just managed to pull himself away from those lips enough to speak. “You couldn’t wait until after everyone left?” He meant to sound teasing but the words came out in a growl.

Sirius smiled. “Impossible,” he said before closing the short distance between them and kissing Remus again. Bodies still pressed together, Sirius brought his hands down to rest on the werewolf’s hips. His thumbs traced over the bones jutting prominently due to his lover’s wiry frame. He leaned back just enough to slip his hands between them and undo Remus’s trousers.

“Sirius.” Remus meant it as a warning but it came out in little more than a moan. He tried to say no. Instead, as the other man pulled down his zipper he found himself rolling forward, eager to be taken in Sirius’s hand. “Fuck.”

“And I thought _I_ couldn’t wait.” Sirius teased.

Having worked Remus’s cock free, he held him in his palm, fingers curled around him. One sure stroke had Remus closing his eyes and shaking, overcome by need and the anticipation of more. Yet there was still a part of him all too aware that this was not a good idea.

“We shouldn’t.” Remus protested weakly.

“A little late for that.” With his free hand Sirius pulled down the collar of his lover’s shirt and sucked the skin there lightly but long enough to leave a mark.

Already hard in Sirius’s hands, Remus could understand the truth behind the man’s words or at least how he perceived them. In Sirius’s mind it would be harder to hide the erection and wait for it to go away than to finish having a quickie in the _kitchen_ of all places. He wasn’t thinking about how they would reek of sex when they returned.

Merlin, but they never had this problem when it was just the two of them. Remembering everything they had done together, Remus found it more and more difficult to cling to his reservations.

“I want you for longer than this,” he said finally.

“What makes you think you won’t get that?” Sirius was making short work of his own trousers. Once he was out of them, at least enough for their purposes, he grinded against his lover. He loosened his hold over Remus’s cock enough to grab his own and bring them together.

“Fuck, Sirius—”

“God, yes.” He grinned in response.

Abandoning restraint, Remus tackled Sirius’s shirt and nearly ripped it off in his passion. Exposed, no inch of the man was safe and Remus's kisses were far from gentle. Now was Sirius’s turn to swear. He gripped Remus’s hair tightly, almost painfully, but the hand around their cocks remained steady.

“Ah, Remus.” Sirius sighed as the werewolf’s teeth grazed the juncture of his neck and shoulder. “I missed you.”

Remus looked up at his lover, removing his lips from the man’s skin after a moment. “I missed y—”

A sharp knock on the door cut him off, followed by what was unmistakably Caradoc’s voice.

“What the _hell_ are you two doing in there?”

Remus was sure all the color had drained from his formerly flushed face. Sirius looked pale as well and the previously tender expression vanished. They both exchanged a look of controlled panic.

Remus pulled away first. He quickly tucked himself back into his pants and pulled up his trousers. The fabric chafed against his erection but he found it better than the alternative.

“Not whatever it sounds like.” Sirius answered. He gave his lover a short, wistful glance before following his lead when it came to clothes.

Remus supposed he couldn’t be upset with Sirius for that excuse. It wasn’t like he personally had anything better. Really, how were they supposed to excuse the noises they must have been making? Whatever they might have thought of, Caradoc ruined it by opening the door when Sirius was still fumbling with his zipper.

Caradoc’s face might have been mistaken for stony at a glance, that is if the paleness of shock hadn’t given way to flushed, red cheeks. He was angry though he had not right to be and the way his nostrils flared indicated disgust.

“Do you have a cut on your prick you want him to look at?”

“Caradoc—” Remus started but fell silent when the man in question gave him a hard glance.

“I don’t see what you’re so upset about.” Sirius sounded too cavalier given the circumstances.

“I heard the rumors but I didn’t actually think…” Caradoc looked at Sirius. Everything in his gaze and expression was cold. “Did you start this?”

Done with his trousers, Sirius folded his arms. “I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

Caradoc was upset. Sirius was on the defensive. And Remus was utterly lost. None of this was good and combined it all spelled disaster. He would have to act now.

“I trusted you to take care of him not fuck him!” Caradoc nearly yelled. Every muscle in his body had gone rigid as he advanced on Sirius.

Remus stepped between them. “Caradoc,” Whatever he used to feel for the man, he wouldn’t let him talk to Sirius like that. “Caradoc, stop.” His voice held a strength he didn’t feel but he wasn’t about to back down. “He didn’t ‘start’ anything.” He heard Sirius begin to say something but stepped on his foot to silence him.

“Of course he started this.” Caradoc snapped. “We both know you would never…” He waved his hand at Sirius.

For a moment shorter than it felt, Remus was quiet. “Wouldn’t what?” He asked. “Be in a relationship or be with a man?”

“I took you out with me.” Caradoc ignored the question. “I tried to get you interested in—”

“Women. But I’m not, Caradoc. I’m in love with Sirius.”

“What you are is sick.” Caradoc took a step back. “Both of you.”

Something that sounded suspiciously like a growl left Sirius’s throat. He took a step forward, brushing past Remus. “We’re not sick. I don’t go around telling you who you can and can’t be with. Of the three of us? You’re the sick one.”

Caradoc’s hand twitched as though to reach for his wand but he clenched it instead. “It’s always about you isn’t it, Sirius? You can’t handle hearing the truth so you throw it back in my face.” He looked at Remus. “I feel sorry for you. You can’t see that Sirius is just using you. Until you learn to stand up for yourself he’ll keep dragging you down with him.”

Caradoc might have been able to restrain himself but Sirius wasn’t. He reached for his wand. “You son of a—”

“Sirius, no!” Remus quickly covered Sirius’s hand with his own, pulling it away before he could grab his wand. “Is this what we’re reduced to? For God’s sake we are all Order members. We do not fight each other.” He turned to Caradoc and opened his mouth to explain but no words would come.

Caradoc shook his head and turned his back on them. He strode back out of the kitchen and into the hall.

“Caradoc.” Remus surged forward, not caring that his arousal was aching, not caring that Sirius was still full of anger. Caradoc was his friend and he didn’t want him to leave like this. “Caradoc!” He called when he reached the hall.

To his relief, the other man turned back but Remus’s heart sank when he saw his expression. He nearly shrank back at the anger in Caradoc’s eyes but held firm under his penetrating stare.

“All those times I took you out and you rejected everyone I pointed out. You were really after me, weren’t you?” He asked, rounding on Remus.

Remus met his gaze. “I wasn’t after you. I know you’re straight.”

“But you wanted me.”

Remus started to speak but hesitated and in that moment Caradoc scoffed.

“That’s what I thought.” He stepped back, shaking his head before turning his back on Remus.

“We’re friends,” Remus said. His voice threatened to give way.

Caradoc paused as he was about to open the door to the den. He looked back at Remus and his gaze softened for a moment before he turned aside and left.

Remus felt his heart shatter. He stood still for several long moments, even when he heard Sirius approach.

“Remus?”

“Please leave me alone.” Remus’s words were faint and when Sirius laid a hand on his shoulder he shrugged him away.

Sirius ignored the rejection and spoke. “He’ll come around.”

“Sirius.” Remus didn’t turn to look at him as he walked further down the hall to his room. “I want to be alone now.”

“None of what he said is true.” Sirius raised his voice so Remus could not shut it out.

Remus paused at the door to his room. “I know, Sirius.” He stared at the door as he spoke, looking at the fine grains of the wood. “But I just lost one of my best friends. Please give me a moment.” His voice was dull and blank.

Remus quickly opened the door and stepped inside the room, leaving Sirius out in the hall. Leaving them both alone.


	17. Chapter 17

Jets of various lights flew from Remus’s wand, hitting the wall before exploding in sparks. He had nothing else to practice his hexes on. It was more training his reflexes, not that he expected he would need it. After all, werewolves scorned wands and so if he was sent there…

His next hex exploded forcefully enough that the noise reverberated across the room. Sighing, he stowed his wand away in his pocket and placed his hands over his head for a moment. It was growing harder and harder to ignore what fate, or rather Dumbledore, had in store for him.

He lowered his hands only to find them shaking. A few deep breaths later and he had calmed. No sooner had that happened than Frank Longbottom’s Patronus, a badger, came running up to him. Remus turned to regard it, waiting for the message.

“I’ll be there within a half hour.” And then the badger disappeared in a mist of silver.

Remus stared blankly at where the Patronus had been. That was all the message was? No explanation, no hint as to what might have gone wrong. All the same, Remus could read too much from it. Whatever had happened, Frank wanted to deliver the news in person and that meant…

Remus’s stomach lurched. He felt faint and had to steady himself against the wall. His momentary weakness passed and he scrambled to the fireplace. He threw the floo powder into it and a fire immediately sparked. Remus thrust his head inside of it, said Sirius’s address, and in a moment he was staring into the man’s living room.

“Sirius!” He shouted. “SIRIUS!”

It was late in the morning but not noon yet and so there was a chance that Sirius was still asleep. If he was there. If he wasn’t…

One thing he could take comfort in was that the house clearly hadn’t been ransacked. But he wouldn’t be satisfied until…

He heard footsteps quickly approach. The grin and whatever teasing joke Sirius had to say died once he saw Remus’s face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, kneeling onto the floor in front of Remus.

“I had to make sure you’re all right,” Remus said. He was finally able to breathe properly.

Sirius face went pale. “What’s happened?”

Remus wanted to reach out and hold Sirius but his hands were grasping the side of his own fireplace. “I don’t know yet. Frank sent me a message but he didn’t say. Are James and Lily—”

“I spoke to James this morning. They’re all right.” Sirius’s voice was calm but his eyes were wide with a growing fear. “I’ll contact Pete.”

“I’d better go,” Remus said. “I just wanted to make sure—”

Sirius smiled grimly. “I’m all right.” He paused. “It could be nothing, Remus.”

“Do you really think so?” Remus knew better than to hope.

Sirius shook his head. “We’ll find out soon.”

Remus looked into Sirius’s eyes, read his features, and knew that he had just as little hope.

“Do you want me there?” Sirius asked.

“No, that’s all right. I’ll contact you after I talk to Frank.” His knees were aching from the hard floor and he started to pull away.

“Remus?”

Remus stopped moving back at the sound of Sirius’s voice, almost sounding as though he was pleading for him to stay for a moment longer. And perhaps he was.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Remus was too used to hearing those words spoken in a hurry or in desperation, called out when they were making love or whispered into each other’s lips when kissing. It had been too long since either of them said it while not under the haze of lust.

“I love you too,” he said. “I’ll talk to you soon.” He pulled his head out of the fireplace but did not stand for several moments.

He had a long wait ahead of him and he did not know how to spend it. Perhaps he should have taken Sirius up on his offer. He thought of flooing Sirius again but instead he stood, grabbed his wand, and went back to practicing. Before long he gave that up and tried to read but that was even less successful.

By the time the doorbell rang, Remus was pacing. He did his best not to run for the door but his legs carried him there quickly. Frank was there, looking just as pale as Sirius had been but significantly graver. Remus’s heart sank.

“Remus.”

Remus couldn’t move. He could barely speak or breathe. “Who is it?”

“Let me in first.”

Somehow Remus managed to move his legs and step back, allowing Frank entrance. As soon as he stepped through, Remus set to work locking the door again. He couldn’t force himself to look back at Frank, who was standing there waiting for him.

“Who is it?” Remus asked again, still halfway through sealing the door.

Frank stepped beside him and helped finish the rest. His silence was damning and only enhanced Remus’s worries.

All of the Order members were close, whether or not they were suspicious of him. Remus found himself going through every one, imagining what it would be like if they were dead and what might have happened.

When they were done they looked at each other.

Frank spoke first. “You’ll want to sit down.”

“There’s no need,” Remus said and to his relief he sounded both firm and calm. “Tell me.”

Frank searched his eyes for a moment before speaking. “Caradoc is missing.”

Remus’s legs didn’t give out. He didn’t sway or lean against the wall. He remained standing and the only sign that he had registered what had happened was the small parting of his lips.

His immediate reaction was to rebel. It couldn’t be Caradoc. They’d seen each other less than a week ago and that had ended disastrously. He hadn’t spoken to him since and while Sirius said that he would come around eventually… He might never know now.

Frank’s next words took time to settle into Remus’s mind and longer for him to comprehend.

“The Aurors were called to a scene in a block of flats, I didn’t know it at the time but Caradoc had a flat there. The police were swarming it. The Dark Mark was hovering over the place. Inside…” Frank shook his head as though he were trying to shake free from his memories. He took a deep breath. “All the Muggles were killed. The one flat that was empty they had ransacked. We couldn’t find him.”

“But—” Remus’s mind was still agonizingly slow to process this. “But they didn’t find his body.”

“Remus, there was the Dark Mark. If he’s not dead…” Frank didn’t finish that sentence. He didn’t need to.

Even the hope that he wasn’t dead was tainted. Because if Caradoc hadn’t been killed in the attack, then they would have taken him to be tortured for information. He could be alive right now, screaming in pain, begging for release.

“There has to be something we can do.”

“There are no leads. Remus,” Frank’s eyes were full of concern but also a sense of urgency as he stared into Remus’s. “We need to get any documents here, get your things, and leave. If Caradoc gives them information...”

“He wouldn’t.” Remus took a step back and ended up against the wall. “He wouldn’t betray us.”

“He wouldn’t willingly but the things they can do to you... Remus, we have to be sure.” Frank grasped his arm. “That’s why I’m here. We have to move now.”

Frank was an Auror. After witnessing terrible crimes he was used to pushing his feelings to the side until the moment of danger had passed but Remus was going through the motions, pretending that it didn’t bother him when inside he could hear his screams as well as he could imagine Caradoc’s.

“If the Death Eaters have taken him he might manage to escape. They could be hunting him.”

“Remus, it happened last night. He can’t have—”

Remus met Frank’s gaze with an intensity that made the man fall silent. “Take the documents if you need to but I’m staying here.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Frank tightened his hold on Remus’s arm before releasing it. “If he escapes then he’ll come to the Ministry.” His gaze softened. “Remus, I don’t want to believe he’s dead any more than you do but he’s gone.”

Remus brushed past him, he steadily made his way to his bedroom, where the documents were hidden in a compartment in the wall. It took several spells to reach the safe and when he did he handed it over to Frank.

“Take them to Dumbledore.”

“Remus,” Frank let out an exasperated breath. “I am not leaving without you.”

“You have your job to do, Frank. Don’t waste time trying to convince me.” Remus was too calm, too collected. It gave him away.

“That’s it,” Frank said, thrusting the safe back into Remus’s hands. “I’m getting Sirius.”

Even amid this situation Remus had the brief and inexplicable impulse to laugh. Of course Frank knew. Who didn’t? Who in the Order hadn’t known that Remus and Sirius were together save Caradoc? And now—

By the time he came back to his senses Frank already had his wand out.

“ _Expecto—_ “

“Frank, wait—”

But in the span of time it had taken Remus to protest Frank had finished the incantation. Remus stared at him a moment, then walked back to the den. He set the safe on the coffee table and fell back on the couch. Now that he was alone, he buried his face in his hands before running his fingers through his hair.

Hardly half a minute passed before the fireplace burst into life and a figure revolved inside it. Sirius stepped out, looking much the same as he had before except this time the worry shone clearly and undisguised in his eyes.

Remus looked up at him. He searched for what to say but before he could open his mouth Sirius was beside him, arms wrapped around him as he pulled him into a hug.

For the first time Remus moved to shove Sirius away. He didn’t want his pity, didn’t want to be held. He wanted to be alone. His hands pressed against Sirius’s chest and he pushed him back but Sirius only dug his heels into the floor and used it as traction to keep his body close to Remus.

“Stop it. I don’t need you. Just go. Just…” Remus’s voice cracked. His struggle against Sirius grew feebler and he sobbed. “Go…”

Sirius drew back. He ran his hand through Remus’s hair and stared at his lover until Remus raised his head to look at him.

“Do you really want me to?” Sirius’s voice was weak and faltering but his gaze was strong and held Remus in place.

Remus shook. He bit his tongue to keep from whimpering, keep from making any sound that would betray him.

Sirius filled his vision but all he could see was Caradoc, stunned at first, then dragged to the Death Eaters’ hideout. He saw him clearly thrashing and screaming under the effects of the Cruciatus Curse until falling silent when they cast the spell that would take his life. If he weren’t dead yet he would be soon. If he weren’t dead then he would wish that he was.

“Remus.”

Remus hadn’t realized that his eyes had drifted away from Sirius until his voice brought him back into focus. Sirius’s hand came up to Remus’s cheek to wipe away tears.

“He was my best friend.” Remus managed to say, weak, trembling, but each word was fully formed and distinct.

“I know.”

“And he hated me.”

Sirius shook his head. “He didn’t hate you.” He stroked Remus’s cheek. “He didn’t.” He lowered his hand and let it rest on Remus’s shoulder, grasping it loosely. “Remus, we have to go.” His voice was gentle but it burned Remus all the same.

Remus stared dully at Sirius for several moments longer. He noticed the tears that were in Sirius’s eyes and he wondered who he was crying for, Remus or Caradoc.

“He’s gone,” Sirius said softly. “But you’re still here. I need you, Remus.”

Remus pulled away from Sirius and stood. Without a word he walked back to his room, where he found Frank waiting. He registered the way Frank quickly wiped his eyes when Remus entered but didn’t comment on them. Instead he set to work packing.

He didn’t say a word until well after he followed Sirius back to his home. Once there he promptly dropped his suitcase, sank onto the scarlet couch, and cried.


	18. Chapter 18

The full moon rose and set but Remus, as always, remained.

“Is he dead?” Someone asked.

“No, I can see him breathing. Look.” Another person replied.

Remus felt the thick sole of someone’s boot nudge him. It brushed a gaping wound in his chest, left from mid-transformation when he’d clawed at himself. Just the slightest pressure had Remus crying out and curling up into a ball as best as he was able, which was not much.

“How are we going to get him out? He’s in no condition—”

“We could take him to St. Mungo’s…”

The voices droned on but Remus could not make sense of them. He caught brief snippets of words but they were overwhelmed by the sharp aches all over his body.

“Any next of kin? Maybe we should—”

“Excuse me.” A different voice. Remus recognized it. If only he could place it…

“What do _you_ want?”

“Let me take him.”

A pause.

“Should we?”

“He’ll be out of our hands. Go on.”

There was silence for a while but Remus couldn’t enjoy it. He knew, even in his daze, that he needed to get up. He tried to push himself up but his arms gave out under his weight. In time though, an arm looped around him and he was held up.

“Here.”

Fabric came down around him, Remus’s robe, and he was able to hold up his arms and get them through the sleeves.

“Now get up.”

Remus’s eyes were heavy as he opened them, his vision blurred and unfocused. “Who?” He could barely hear his own voice.

“Connall, remember? Now stand up before I leave you to bleed out in this cell.”

Remus closed his eyes for a moment. His attention turned to his legs. It felt as though they were broken but they held when he rose onto his knees and, supported by Connall, he was able to stand.

“You’ve left them a lot to clean up after.” Connall sounded as if he were telling a joke, light and amused and with an air of self-absorption.

“No,” Remus didn’t have the energy to be surprised at how hoarse his voice was. “Magic.”

“Right, I forgot. You wizards and your magic. Oh, they gave me your wand. I’ll give it to you after this is over if you ask nice. Pick up your feet, I can’t carry you there.”

Remus cringed with every step but he had no choice but to press on. When he opened his eyes he saw that they had moved out of his cell for the night and into the sterile atmosphere of the lobby. Around them were other werewolves, some groaning, some walking, some hobbling, but all bleeding and bruised.

“Just take me to the floo network and I’ll be fine.” Remus mumbled. Even as he said the words he tripped over his own feet.

“Ah, I can’t do that. I’ll just have to take you back to my place. You’ll like it. No fancy wizards there, just our kind.” Connall laughed and pressed Remus a little tighter to him. “Christ, you are heavy.”

“You don’t need to—” Remus tried pulling away from his grip but he was held firm. “I can just—”

Connall’s fingers dug into Remus’s side, who had no choice but to bite back a yelp.

“No arguments. I’m doing you a favor.”

Remus grew steadily more awake as they walked but each time he tried to get away, Connall’s nails bit into his skin. All Remus could think as they walked past wizards and werewolves was that either Dumbledore would be extremely pleased with this new development or that the Order would lose two members in one week.

They passed the floo network and made their way outside. Connall turned the door handle and kicked it open. Remus wasn’t sure how he had so much strength immediately after the full moon but he wished he had half of it. Maybe that way he wouldn’t have been lured in this situation to begin with.

“’M fine.”

“If by fine you mean about to pass out from blood loss? Yep.”

It was a cold fall morning and Remus felt a shiver pass through his body as he was dragged forward into the light of day.

“Look, our ride is here.” Connall pointed to a broken down car driving up the street. “Couldn’t have better timing.”

The car came to a halt in front of them. A woman with dark brown hair and a strong build rolled down the window and leaned out to talk to them.

“New friend?” She called.

“Let’s get him patched up and then we’ll find out.” Connall replied. He had to stumble awkwardly forward, with his arm still around Remus, in order to open the car door.

Through a cloud of pain and exhaustion, Remus considered running for it but not only could he barely stand but the other werewolf had his wand. And somehow, he doubted that Death Eaters or people who worked for Death Eaters would be caught inside a car, particularly not one so old and shabby.

Remus took a deep breath. Well, Dumbledore wanted him to make contact with the werewolves and this was his closest lead. He took a step and flailed until he caught himself from falling.

“Careful, Remus,” Connall said as he wrapped his arm around his fellow werewolf and hauled him toward the car. “What’s your last name anyway?”

“Lupin.” Remus spoke louder than he had since he’d woken but it still was soft to his own ears.

Connall’s laugh was loud, especially in comparison. “Oh, that is an unfortunate name. I think you were doomed to be one of us, my friend.”

Connall virtually shoved Remus into the car. The insides were as shabby as the outside and the seats were peeling and hard. Remus curled up his legs into the car and pressed his face against the seat.

“He’s going to bleed on the upholstery.” The woman complained.

“Not like we haven’t gotten it bloody before.”

_Oh yes, I have fallen in with reputable people, indeed._ He had no choice but to remain lying down, partly curled up on the seats.

“Where?” He sounded relatively coherent now. Perhaps it was the ascending sun. Perhaps his bleeding was stopping. Or perhaps it was the adrenaline flowing into his body at the thought that he was being kidnapped and whisked away to some unknown destination. But it was still not enough to get him to sit up.

Merlin, this had to be the stupidest thing he had ever—

“Where are we going? To our lair.” Connall replied, voice dropping in a sinister tone before he laughed and continued. “We have better healing potions than any of your kind can make. They don’t have experience dealing with werewolves.”

“You know that Phelan won’t be pleased,” The woman said, turning to Connall as she drove on.

“He wants new allies.” Connall gestured over his shoulder at Remus. “Well, I trust this one, at least as far as I can trust any outsider.”

“That’s not saying much.”

The woman moved the rearview mirror so that she could get a look at Remus. Their eyes met. Remus read a wariness in her eyes but no outright hostility. No doubt she saw the same expression on his own face.

“Not to sound rude, but why take me?” He asked, contemplating which pocket his wand was in and whether or not he should try wandless magic in an attempt to get it back.

“Why did you take him?” The woman swerved to avoid a car, causing their own to jolt and throw them in their seats.

Remus held out his hands too late to stop himself from hitting the seat in front of him. It knocked the breath out of him and all he could do for a long moment was suck in breath after painful breath. He pushed himself back up and reached for the seat belt.

Connall had craned his neck so he could look back at Remus. He laughed. “Well I thought he seemed like he wasn’t a complete fool.”

“Do you really think he’s going to be of any use?”

“He’s a wizard, Sabine. He’s what Phelan’s looking for.”

_Hopefully not as a hostage or sacrificial victim._ Remus rested his head against the window. The thrum of the car lulled him back into a state of near sleep. He idly thought that Sirius was going to be disappointed in him for allowing himself to be taken but everyone had to make sacrifices. It wasn’t like he had any choice either.

When they finally stopped they were on the outskirts of the city. Just before them was a hole leading below it and Remus could see a set of narrow steps winding steadily down.

“Let’s go. We’ll have to drag him.”

“I’m fine, really.” Remus protested as they opened the door to the back seat and dragged him out by his legs. Once again Connall held him upright and pulled him forward.

Remus dragged his feet.

“Stop throwing a fit or I’ll leave you here and let you bleed to death.”

“I’ll be… fine.”

All Remus could think about was how easily he’d been taken. There was also fear at what fate these werewolves had in store for them. Before this day he hadn’t minded Connall, he was coming to think they had developed something of a rapport with him after the times that Remus had helped him back up after the transformation. And now here they were.

“Maybe we should leave him here.”

“Trust me, Sabine.”

They had reached the steps. There was just enough room for Connall and Remus to squeeze in side by side but Remus’s side brushed against the stone wall every step of the way. His feet hit every step and he gave up trying to lift them in time to lower them for the next step. Biting back small cries, Remus had no choice but to go along until finally they made it to the bottom.

“The city beneath the city.” Sabine turned to Remus and smiled.

It was impressive in an old and musty sort of way. The ceiling, or, depending on how you looked at it, the ground, was high above them. London was an exceedingly old city and so there were places like this all over. He was not surprised that the rejects of society had made their home here, in the darkness illuminated only by many candles and, he was surprised to see, hovering lights of clearly magical origin. It seemed that the werewolves did not eschew magic entirely if it was convenient for them. Even in his addled state, Remus could see the advantage that might give him. There weren’t many people walking the buried streets and each one of them looked Remus’s way as he was unceremoniously carried about.

“Where are we going?” He managed to ask, once again.

“To get you cleaned up. Sabine, will you take him? I was in their damn holding cells all night.”

They stopped and Connall passed him off to Sabine with all the delicacy of a five year handing over a much unwanted doll. Sabine held him fast to her but she was no more sensitive about dragging Remus around. He was slowly waking and trying to step forward with her but she moved too quickly for him to pick up his feet up in time.

They passed buildings, some broken and with collapsed ceilings, some standing relatively intact, until finally they stopped outside one. The door was hanging from one hinge and creaked as they opened it.

“It’s about time you got here.” Came a voice even lower and harsher than Alastor Moody’s.

As they entered the building, just as broken down inside as out and sparsely furnished, Remus saw who had spoken. He was taller than the others and broader as well. His muscles rippled beneath his shirt as he stood. He was attractive up until the point Remus registered his face, with its sharp features and three lines of ugly scars that ran up his neck.

The man pushed his sandy blonde hair out of his face as he surveyed Remus. He curled his lips.

“What’s this?” He barked.

“You remember we were talking about finding a wizard for our next recruit.”

As Connall talked, Sabine dragged Remus past the other man and to the couch, on which she proceeded to dump him. If Remus hadn’t lost his breath yet again from the impact he might have yelped.

“Phelan.” Sabine spoke softly as she rested her hand on the menacing man, who seemed to calm somewhat at the touch. “We brought him all the way here. We might as well give him a chance.”

“And if he talks?” Phelan grumbled, turning to look at Remus with his dark, penetrating, and altogether unpleasant eyes.

“Then we’ll make him regret it before killing him.” Connall replied.

“I wasn’t asking you.” Phelan snapped. He lifted his gaze from Remus to Sabine, who shrugged.

“I agree. Do you hear that, what’s your name?”

Remus tried to push himself up into a sitting position only to fall back down. “Remus Lupin.” He mumbled. “And I do.”

“You’d better pay us back for this.” Phelan stared at Remus as he spoke. “Connall, I didn’t set the potions away, go get them.”

With a quick nod and a murmured “yes,” Connall quickly went further into the back of the house.

“I feel like I’ve heard your name before.” Phelan rubbed his chin idly. “Who bit you?”

“Don’t know.” Remus replied faintly.

“Well that explains why you’re not one of us. Normally our kind takes care of our own, but you’re an exception aren’t you? Bitten late in life?”

Remus shook his head. “No, I was a child.” As much as Remus tried to sound calm and as much as he had rehearsed it, he still sounded unsettled by this line of question. He never liked thinking about that night. He had spent too long suppressing all memory of it.

“Were you?”

There was something in Phelan’s voice that Remus couldn’t place but at that moment Connall returned with a bottle of some murky brown liquid in his hand. It swirled as he held it up.

“Got it.”

“Good, tell me when you’re done with him.” Phelan took Sabine’s hand and pulled her with him as they brushed past Connall and into the back. “I’ve got Will to deal with. Lazy bastard still hasn’t got up.”

“Well,” Connall said when the others were gone. “Looks like that robe will have to come off.”

Remus knew that Connall must have seen him naked earlier that morning, after all he had dressed him, but he was not at all pleased to be faced with a repeat.

“Give it to me and I’ll put it on.”

“Nope. You could spill it.” He set the bottle on the rickety table in the center of the room. “Off with them.”

Remus didn’t resist when Connall tugged off his robes and placed them over the couch’s armrest, which was missing a chunk.

Remus had been nude before in front of friends but it was different with someone who was little more than an acquaintance, not to mention someone who had taken him against his will. He tried to cover himself but Connall simply laughed.

“Don’t bother. It’s not like you’re any good to look at.”

Remus felt a hot flush sting his cheeks. He thought back to all the times that Sirius, in the madness characteristic of his family, told Remus that he was beautiful. He didn’t know who the greater fool had been, Sirius for saying it or Remus for half believing him.

When Caradoc had been alive and caring for him after the full moons, he had been methodical in his approach. Connell was rough. His fingers probed the area around Remus’s various wounds before pouring a sliver of the potion on the gashes. The liquid spread and then congealed, forming an artificial scab over the wounds.

“It’ll scar but it would have anyway. It just speeds up the process.”

And it did, as Connall spoke Remus could feel the skin around the gaping wound knit itself together. Connall moved onto the next wound.

“What is this?” Remus asked.

Connall shrugged. “We call it the healing potion. There’s no need for fancy words here. It’s the only thing that really works for us. Wizards don’t care about what we need. They’re too obsessed with their magic to focus on werewolf bites and scratches. Never could figure out how to treat us so we did.” He paused to look up at Remus. “I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that we’re the only people who give a damn about us.”

In his weakened state, Remus felt it was best to stay silent on that subject for the moment.

“You’re lucky I took you in. I’m surprised you didn’t pass out on the way here. The Ministry is a hell of a place to stay, isn’t it?” Connall went on.

Remus winced as the liquid spread over the wound on his chest. From there it was his leg and then he actually yelped.

“Why do you go there?” He panted, forcing his breathing to come back down to normal.

“To meet sorry werewolves like you who don’t have a better place to go.” Connall didn’t stop treating him, moving down one leg and then onto the next. “We take care of our own.”

“And you want to bring me into the fold?”

“Do you have anywhere better to be? Why else would you be there every full moon?”

“I do have a home.” Remus began but Connall snorted.

“What you must think of ours. It’s not much but we have each other here. Who do you have?” Connell asked sharply. “Don’t tell me you have a job.”

“I don’t.” Remus admitted. “But I do have friends.”

“Friends. And they don’t distrust you at all? They don’t look down on you for being what you are? They’ll never understand you, Remus, not completely.” Connall stood back, grabbed Remus’s robes, and tossed them back to him. “Put this on. Phelan wants to talk to you.”

It was a few minutes before Phelan returned. He was twirling Remus’s wand as he stepped into the room.

“Missing this?” He asked.

Remus’s mouth went dry as he watched his wand being manhandled by the other werewolf.

Phelan laughed at his reaction. “Don’t worry, you’ll get it back before you leave. If I like what you have to say, that is.” He pulled a seat out from the table in the middle of the room and sat down.

Feeling remarkably better despite how pale he was, Remus sat up, even if he had to lean back against the couch and fight the urge to close his eyes.

“Well,” Remus began. “I’m listening.”

“Connall says you’re dependable or at least you seem to care about him. And you’re a wizard.” He balanced the wand on his upturned palm. “As we can both see. Whether you knew it or not, how you treated Connall was a show of good faith and we’ve just returned the favor.”

“By healing me?”

Phelan let the wand fall in his hand and curled his finger around it. “I bet you didn’t think you’d be feeling this good until tomorrow at least.”

“More like the day after.” Although he could have done without the blood loss.

“The potion involves only rudimentary magic.” As he said the word magic Phelan swished the wand in front of him and the simple gesture caused a grin to spread across his face. “But the real trouble is getting the ingredients. We stand out wherever we go but you.”

Remus did his best not to flinch as the wand was pointed directly at his face.

“You fit in.” Phelan lowered the wand and leaned forward in his seat.

“You don’t just want me to fetch ingredients for you.” Remus said. His head started to roll to the side before he blinked and straightened up again. With effort, he pushed himself up so he wasn’t leaning back. “So what is it?”

“What connections do you have? Anyone in the Ministry? Friends of friends, maybe or—” He stopped when Remus nodded.

“Friends. And…” It was time to put all his cards on the table before Phelan could accuse him of holding information back. “I know Albus Dumbledore.”

Phelan couldn’t hide the way his eyes widened in surprise. “Albus Dumbledore?” To his credit, his voice was even but then it hardened when he spoke again. “If you’re lying to me…”

“I’m not.”

A smile briefly flickered across Phelan’s face. He rubbed his chin. “I think we can work something out.”


	19. Chapter 19

After the Death Eaters failed to charge headquarters, it had been deemed safe. When Remus returned there it was closer to noon. He had no choice but to apparate and he counted himself lucky that he hadn’t splinched himself. He looked around to see if anyone was watching before ringing the doorbell and waving his wand to undo the locks on the door. As soon as he stepped inside he heard someone hurrying to meet them.

“Remus, that had better be you because if not—” Lily appeared down the hall, immediately recognizable at a glance by her fiery red hair. She raised her hands to cup her mouth. “Oh, thank God.”

“Lily.” Remus smiled as he made his way over to her.

She rushed forward and soon her arms were around him, holding him close as she unleashed a volley of words. “You prat! We’ve been worried sick about you! Sirius and James are out looking for you.” She pulled away and rested her shaking hands on his shoulder. “Where have you been?”

Remus nearly balked under her piercing gaze, green eyes alight with accusations Remus didn’t need to use Occlumency to read.

“With one of the werewolves. I couldn’t send a message. I’m sorry.” He took one of Lily’s hands and pulled it away from his shoulder. “You know how you all have missions for the Order? This is mine.”

Lily stepped away from him. “You could have warned us.”

“If I’d known I would have.”

Lily took out her wand. “I’d better tell the boys you’re here. _Expecto Patronum._ ” Her silver doe leapt across the hall and vanished through the door. “I have the potions all out on the table.”

“Thank you but I don’t need them this time.”

Lily blinked. “They took care of you already?”

“Yes.” Remus nodded and moved past Lily, motioning her to walk with him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Don’t apologize to me. You’ll have Sirius to answer to in a minute.”

When Remus sank onto the couch, Lily remained standing. She folded her arm over her chest and stared at him.

“We thought the Death Eaters might have taken you or— Remus, we didn’t know what to believe. You can’t do that again.”

Remus rubbed at his forehead. After the delicate conversation he’d had earlier, this was too much for him, expected or not. “I won’t, Lily. I’m sorry. I was in a rough shape this morning before they healed me otherwise I would have let you know, I promise.”

Lily opened her mouth to speak but at that moment the doorbell rang three times in rapid succession.

“You stay here,” she said as she hurried back to the entrance.

In a few moments he heard Sirius’s voice, frantic and full of concern. “Where is he? Is he hurt?”

“I told you he’s—”

Heavy footsteps came closer and Remus stood just as Sirius entered the room. His face was pale, eyes wide and the moment he caught sight of Remus he let out a deep breath.

“You bastard.” He breathed, moving to take Remus into his arms. There was no warning before Sirius’s lip closed in on Remus, kissing him with bruising intensity. He drew back only to hold him close again. “You bastard. Do you know how worried I was?”

Sirius clutched the back of Remus’s head while his other arm was around the man’s waist. Remus held him back, letting his arms loop around Sirius.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

Sirius still didn’t pull back. He laughed but it was short, shallow, and his voice nearly broke. “You’d better be cause if you weren’t I would have hexed your face blue. Oh Merlin, do you have any idea how worried I was?” He moved back so he could look into Remus’s eyes.

“I can imagine.” Remus whispered. All too well he could imagine. He went through some of it with Caradoc. If it had been Sirius instead…

“Where were you?” Sirius asked. He loosened his grip on Remus’s head and ran his fingers through his hair. His tone grew softer, more pleading, and even hurt. “I went to the holding cells and they said you left with another werewolf.”

“I wouldn’t call it voluntary,” Remus said. He was still weak on his feet and so he leaned into Sirius. He let his head rest on the man’s shoulder. “This full moon was worse than most. I was barely coherent. One of the other werewolves took me back to his home. He lives with the packs and they have something that works better than Skin De-breaker. They patched me up but it was a while before I could get back here. Sirius, if I could have I would have told you what was happening.”

“Well, it’s not happening again.” Sirius sighed. His hand rested on the small of Remus’s back.

“No, it’s not.” Remus agreed. His eyes had shut and, despite the healing draughts, he still felt faint. They couldn’t fix blood loss, unfortunately. “Can we sit down? I’m tired.”

Sirius didn’t let go of him. This was different from when Connall dragged him along. Remus went willingly and Sirius waited for him to step forward until they reached the couch. As soon as they had sat down Sirius pulled him into another kiss, still rough but not as forceful as the one before.

“Never do that again.” Sirius’s breath fell on Remus’s lips. “Never do that to me again.”

“I won’t.” He reached up and ran his hands through Sirius’s long hair. “I promise.”

Sirius kissed him again. Neither of them pulled away for some time. Remus placed his hand over Sirius’s chest. His heart beat fast and strong under Remus’s palm.

When they finally pulled away Sirius nudged Remus’s nose with his own. “You’re going to have to make up for this, you know?”

“Am I?” Remus smiled. “Not right away, I hope.”

“Do you need to sleep?”

Sirius brushed Remus’s hair back. He stared at Remus with half lidded eyes and oh, if he hadn’t spent the better part of the night clawing at himself, Remus would have been sorely tempted.

“Yes,” he said. “Stay with me?”

“I wouldn’t dream of leaving you.”

Sirius disentangled himself from Remus. The air was cold compared to the warmth of Sirius’s body but soon Sirius had his arms around him again. He knelt and lifted Remus up into his arms, carrying him.

Remus laughed. “Sirius, I can’t tell if you’re being practical or romantic.”

“He’s being a romantic sod.” James’s voice came from the hall.

Remus turned to see his friend standing there, arms folded over his chest, smirk planted firmly on his face. Remus flushed.

“Do you mind, Potter?” Sirius shifted Remus’s weight in his arms.

James held up his hands. “Not at all, Black. Lily and I were just leaving. Remus,” he nodded, “you don’t need to go missing to get Sirius to do this, you know.”

Sirius started walking for the bedroom. “Goodbye, James.” He called.

“Don’t enjoy yourself too much!”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Mood killer.”

“You do know I’m not up for—”

“I meant in general.” Sirius glanced at Remus and smiled. “You know I’m still angry with you.” But his voice was light in spite of his words. He held Remus closer to him.

“Mm.” Remus closed his eyes. “I’ll make up for it.” He opened his eyes again and looked up at Sirius, who hadn’t looked away yet. “I had to do it, you know. Dumbledore’s orders.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I should have a talk with Dumbledore too.”

“Sirius—”

“I know.”

Sirius kicked open the door to the bedroom and soon deposited Remus on the bed. The bed creaked under his weight as he shifted, crawling beside Remus and then lying down next to him. He wrapped his arm around his lover, who shifted so that he was closer to him.

“I love you,” Sirius said when they were settled. He kissed Remus’s jaw and worked his way along his jawline with his lips.

“I love you too.”

“Don’t make me live without you.”

Remus nearly turned around in Sirius’s arms. He might have if he could summon the strength. Instead he took Sirius’s hand in his own and squeezed it. There was a pause. Remus didn’t know what to say. He hated lying to his friends, especially to Sirius, but he didn’t see any other way out of it. He had no way of promising such a thing but…

“I won’t,” he said and prayed that there wouldn’t come a time when he had to break that promise.

\---

Remus slept for the better part of the day. Whenever he woke Sirius was by his side, either idly flicking through the pages of a book with a bored expression on his face, or casting jinxes at the wall.

Finally, Remus woke up enough to mumble. “You don’t have to be here.”

“Yes, I do.” Sirius replied without missing a beat. He waved his wand and golden sparks sprung into existence, floating down above of Remus but dissipating before they landed on his face.

“What time is it?”

“Almost two.”

Remus grumbled. He turned his face into the pillow for a moment before pushing himself up.

Sirius set his wand aside and touched Remus’s arm. “You haven’t slept all night.”

“It’s hard to forget that.” Remus sat up and started to slide off the bed onto his feet. Once he was sure he wouldn’t stumble, he stood and went over to the dresser, rifling through the drawers.

Sirius stood as well. He went over to Remus and pressed a kiss to his neck.

“No distractions.” Remus chided but as he did so he reached behind him to touch Sirius’s head.

“Who’s being distracting?” Sirius laughed. He kissed his way up Remus’s neck. “I’m helping you wake up.”

Remus let the shirt he’d been holding fall back into the drawer and turned around. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’s shoulders and pulled him closer, letting his lips brush against Sirius’s. It was light at first but then Remus opened his mouth and allowed Sirius to deepen the kiss. Sirius stepped forward and Remus’s back pushed against the drawer, sliding it close.

“Sirius.” Remus whispered against Sirius’s lips when they finally stopped kissing.

“ _Yes._ ” Sirius leaned forward again.

Remus pulled back. “Sirius. I need to change.”

Sirius let out a noise that sounded more like a whine than the man would have cared to admit. “And you don’t trust me?”

“We both know you get ideas.” Remus gave Sirius one last brief kiss before tugging at the man’s arms.

Sirius let go of Remus and stepped away. “It’s after the full moon, Remus. I’m not asking for anything more than a snog. Besides you look pale.”

“Terrible, you mean.” There was an undertone of bitterness in Remus’s voice but it went unnoticed. He opened the drawer again and grabbed the discarded shirt before moving onto the next drawer.

“I meant pale.” From the sound of it Sirius had collapsed back on the bed. “You look good, Remus. You should tell me whatever they gave you so I can get it.”

“They make it,” Remus said idly as he selected some pants and then trousers. “It’s not sold anywhere.” He pulled his robes up over his head and removed his pants before donning his new clothes.

He didn’t see the way Sirius’s eyes passed over him. “They’ve scarred already,” he said softly.

Remus had been about to put his shirt on but he stopped and ran his fingers over the scar that spread up his neck. If he ever had hope of hiding his condition, that scar would not help matters. He abruptly lowered his hand and slid the shirt over his head, arms going through the sleeves before he pulled the whole thing down over his chest.

“It’s very effective,” he said.

“Are you going back to them?”

Remus looked back at Sirius. The man was sitting on the bed watching Remus. There was anxiety in his eyes coupled with concern. Remus only wished he could assuage his worries.

“Yes.” Remus didn’t move. Instead he lowered his gaze to his shirt, smoothing it out and making sure it wasn’t riding up anywhere. “I’m not going to the holding cells. I’m going to the packs when I transform.” Maybe he shouldn’t have said that but he couldn’t keep this from Sirius.

Sirius was on his feet at once. “You what?”

“Sirius—” Remus raised his hands.

“You can’t have agreed to—” Sirius walked to Remus, who met him halfway.

Remus placed his hands on Sirius’s chest. “Sirius,” he said sharply. “You know I have to do this. You know I have to join them. We’ve talked about this.”

Sirius closed his eyes. He took a deep breath to steady himself and then pressed his forehead against Remus’s. “I didn’t think it’d be this soon.”

“Neither did I.” Remus rested his hand on Sirius’s neck. Fingers glided along his collarbone. “I’m not going away.”

“Not yet,” Sirius said darkly, echoing the words they were both thinking.

Remus smoothed out the wrinkles he had created in Sirius’s shirt and adjusted his collar. “I need to see if I can talk to Dumbledore now.”

“Right.” Sirius didn’t back away. “You have to talk to him about…” Sirius trailed off.

Remus kissed him again. “We’ll talk later, alright? I don’t know about you but I’m looking forward to that snog.”

Sirius laughed lightly. “That makes two of us. I’ll… let you talk to Dumbledore now.”

Sirius pulled back only to take Remus’s head in his hand and press a kiss to his forehead. He turned to walk away. Remus let him go.

\---

Dumbledore couldn’t see him right away, not that Remus was surprised. He waited on his own, slipping every now and then into a deep sleep that he was slow to wake from.

In his dreams he was running from something. Every time he looked behind him it had changed forms. First it was a Death Eater, then a werewolf, then Caradoc, Sirius, Dumbledore himself. But each time, no matter what its form, it filled Remus with fear and dread. He looked behind him but as soon as he looked ahead he saw a pair of yellow eyes, shining in the looming darkness, coming closer. He heard the heavy breaths of something inhuman panting. And then…

“Remus.”

The voice came from outside of his dreams and he woke, slowly blinking until his eyes had focused.

“Albus.”

The headmaster smiled down at Remus. He moved his hand from Remus’s shoulder and stepped back. “I would apologize for waking you but it did not sound as though you were enjoying your dream.”

“No.” Remus mumbled. He moved to stand.

“Please, sit. I daresay you could use the rest.” Dumbledore took a seat in the armchair next to the couch. “Now, you said that you made contact with the werewolf packs.”

Remus nodded. “Yes, I met with one of the more influential leaders, Phelan. He wanted someone less conspicuous to provide ingredients for them. They make a kind of potion that helps with injuries from the full moon. He was also interested in establishing connections with the Ministry, and with you.”

“Did he say why?”

“Not explicitly. I doubt it’s for an alliance. He and the others hold too much contempt of wizards for that. But it’s necessary for their continued survival. They need to know what the Ministry has planned for their kind. They can’t change what’s going on but they can prepare for it.”

“That sounds likely. So they wish to keep in contact with me.”

Remus shook his head and took a deep breath. “No, they want to know we’re listening when they talk. I think Phelan wants to keep his distance. He’s in a delicate situation. Most of the packs are ready to side with the Death Eaters. They’ve been treating them better than the Ministry has. They may view them as half breeds but they’re smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves.” He paused. “I got the sense that Phelan knows better than that. He knows that once this war is over, they’ll go back to being a hated underclass and treated just as bad if not worse than now. But he doesn’t have a way to stand up to the rest of the packs without risking his standing or worse.”

“Interesting.” Dumbledore stroked his beard. His eyes were distant in thought for a moment.

“There’s more.” Remus went on. “He wants me to stay with them for the full moon. He said something about caring for other werewolves but I don’t buy it. I think he wants me close. I can’t imagine what I have to offer him. The other werewolves aren’t going to listen to me.”

“Oh, they might,” Dumbledore said. He ceased stroking his beard. “You are a counter to everything they believe. You are not only a wizard but one who has had training and been accepted by others.”

Remus nearly snorted. “Forgive me, but from the way they treated me—”

“They’re envious of you, Remus and they are trying to make you into one of their own. Of course they will tell you lies aimed at making them seem more appealing and it is likely they even believe those lies. When they see you, they see someone that they could have been if the world were different. They find it hard to believe that you exist and are welcomed and loved by people. You can show them that they are wrong.”

“Are they wrong?” Remus spoke before he could catch himself.

The question lingered in the air between them for a moment.

“You have friends here, Remus. I should think that the reaction to your absence would remind you of that.”

“I know but outside of the Order who do I have? No one would give me the chance. If I were to look for a job do you think anyone would employ me after they found out what I am?”

Dumbledore leaned back in his seat. “I will not lie to you. There are those who will not accept you because of what you are. But you will find people who love you for who you are, as we do here.”

“They think I had something to do with Caradoc’s disappearance.”

Dumbledore didn’t respond.

Remus ran his hands through his hair and leaned forward. “They think I gave the Death Eaters information. They think I told them where headquarters was and deliberately splinched myself to cover it.”

“Remus—”

“Because of what I am.” He continued, leaning back so he could look at Dumbledore, daring him to say otherwise. “Because I’m a werewolf.”

“I know that they trust you still, otherwise they would not come here.”

Remus smiled but there was nothing pleasant in the way his lips curved. “They do because they have to. Don’t lie to me, Albus. I can see it in their eyes. They keep looking at me.”

“If that is true then they are suspicious of many people. I do not need to tell you that we live in a dangerous world. Doubt is everywhere. Most people do not know who they can trust, including friends and lovers. Perhaps that same doubt has infiltrated us here but there are those who trust you with their lives.” He leaned forward, bright blue eyes seeking him out. “I count myself among them.”

“Thank you.” Remus whispered. “I hope I can be worthy of it.”

Dumbledore’s gaze did not waver. “You are.”


	20. Chapter 20

Phelan had asked to meet them in an abandoned valley far from any people. It was vibrantly green. There was a cluster of trees that formed a forest not far off and plenty of space to run around in. Remus felt sick at the thought of transforming here, in the open and exposed. If they caught scent of anyone passing by then it was all over.

The others could read the anxiety in his eyes. There were four of them. Phelan, Sabine, Connall, and a burly man who walked hunched over. While the others had some scars but nothing too bad, this man had an assortment of ugly ones far worse than Remus’s. His eyes were grey like Sirius’s but there couldn’t be a greater difference between them. When Remus stared into this man’s eyes it was like no one was staring back. They called him Will and Remus couldn’t help but wonder at the irony, given that the man had lost his own.

Remus had apparated some distance away and walked to the meeting place but it didn’t seem to matter to them. They all turned to glare at him but he held firm and didn’t shrink back.

“Enjoy your trip here?” Phelan snapped.

There was the same beat up car that Sabine had driven when they had taken Remus and they were all clustered about it.

“I won’t be going back the same way.” Remus commented. He was already feeling restless from the approaching full moon and the growing uneasiness he felt from this situation did not improve matters

“Is that your way of asking for a ride?” There was no amusement behind Phelan’s grin. “The moon’s almost done rising.” He commented and began to strip off his clothes.

The others followed suit and, reluctantly, so did Remus. The pack didn’t have as many scars as Remus, excepting Will, and they were all in much better condition than Remus. Did transforming in the open really make that much of a difference? He supposed he was about to find out.

When they were done removing their clothes, they piled them inside the car. Remus could already feel the first pains setting in when they closed the door.

“It’s starting,” Connall said but his voice was warped, lower and harsher than usual.

Phelan looked as though he was about to make a comment when a sudden pain wracked through him-- through them all-- and as one they cried out and fell onto their knees. The others moved onto their hands as well. Remus held back.

The next wave of pain ripped through them quickly but it felt like forever, that brief, crippling moment. It came up in spikes along Remus’s spine and spread out to his body. He writhed before falling to the ground and from there he couldn’t see any of the pack’s reactions. He could only hear their screams, covered by his own as the change took them each. But then screams turned to half human howls. There was an urge Remus had never felt before, the feeling that he needed to join them. Remus fought it. That wasn’t him.

His knees cracked. He cried out. He wanted to finish the job and break his own neck if that would take away the pain but he couldn’t even push himself up. He lay shaking on the grass and every second that passed was an hour of torment. Still the howling wouldn’t stop.

Remus clawed at the ground. Grunting, he opened his eyes and saw fur sprouting out along his arm and a hand that was shaped more like a paw. He could feel his face changing as well, lengthening.

This time when he screamed a howl emerged from his throat. Low, dark, and inhuman.

\---

When Remus returned to his body he still felt the pain of the transformation. His muscles ached and his bones cracked when he stretched. Exhaustion settled in over his form but he shook it off enough to stand and look around.

They had run into the forest that night. He saw that the others were with him as well. Sabine and Phelan were curled up together, Phelan with his arms around her. Connall and Will had kept their distance, as had Remus, but they were all more or less in a circle.

A panicked thought occurred to Remus and he pressed his hands to his mouth but there was no blood.

“We didn’t eat anything last night, don’t worry.” Connall grumbled as he pushed himself up. “I wish we did. I’m starving.”

After establishing that, Remus looked himself over. There were some claw marks on his sides but they were shallow and wouldn’t even scar. He wasn’t bleeding. He wasn’t bruised. After running his hands over his back to make sure he hadn’t missed something, he stared ahead, eyes wide with shock.

Phelan had cracked an eye open to observe the scene. Finally, he withdrew from Sabine, shaking her slightly before standing.

“We need to get back now. The grass isn’t nearly so comfortable once the sun’s up.” He walked around to Remus. “Looking pale, aren’t you?”

“I’m not used to this,” Remus said blankly, now gazing at his uninjured hands.

“To be honest,” Phelan said, leaning in. “I was half thinking we were going to tear you apart. You’re so tame. But you kept out of the way, didn’t you?”

Remus winced as Phelan slapped him hard on the back. Just because he didn’t have wounds on him didn’t mean he was sore.

“Now let’s get back. Will! Stop playing dead, I know better than that. Up, before I kick you.”

Remus trudged back to the car in a half dazed state, one that he only shook free of as he reached the place. The keys had been placed on the front of the car. He took them and, with hands far surer than they had any right to be, unlocked it. He quickly pulled his clothes on as the others did the same.

“No more of those pretty scars, eh, Lupin?” Phelan grinned. “You’re one of us now.”

\---

Remus apparated not far from headquarters. He felt every step along the way there but the pain was a shadow compared to the agony he normally felt after a full moon. When he rang the doorbell it took several moments before he heard the door unlocking.

Sirius stood in the doorway and while he was smiling, his expression was grim, as usual on the mornings after the full moon. “I didn’t think you’d be this early,” he said. “Do you need any help getting in?”

“I can manage.” Remus stepped forward and Sirius gave him room to enter.

Remus’s gait was steady. He didn’t falter or limp. He was just slow. “Do you need me to help with the lock?” He asked.

Sirius glanced back, eyes a little wide at the offer. “I’ve got it. Go on and lie down.”

Remus didn’t protest. He’d had no sleep the night before and it was a challenge to lift his feet in step after step. He made it halfway to the couch by the time he heard Sirius’s footsteps approaching. Not wanting to walk any further, Remus went to the couch and sank onto it. Sirius was not that far behind him but instead of sitting he stared down at his lover.

“You look good.”

Remus was too tired to make a wry comment about how surprised Sirius was. He didn’t blame him. No one was more surprised than Remus at the absence of the wounds that he had come to expect.

“We transformed near some woods. Away from people. No one stumbled on us, thank God.”

Remus stretched out over the couch, resting his head on the armchair but curling his legs up near his body in case Sirius wanted to sit, which he did. He untied Remus’s shoes before pulling them off.

“I can see that,” he said, taking note of the dirt on Remus’s feet.

“Should probably clean up.” Remus started to sit up.

In one fluid motion Sirius got up and went over to Remus to gently push him back to the couch. “You stay here. I’ll draw you a bath. You’re not hiding anything under those robes are you?”

“Mm.” Remus lay back. “Is that a proposition?”

Sirius laughed. “Not unless you want it to be.” He bent over and kissed Remus’s forehead. “But something tells me you’re not up for that.”

“I could but then I’d fall asleep during the middle of it. I don’t think your ego can stand such a blow.” Remus reached up and threaded his fingers through Sirius’s hair, still mussed and tangled from the night’s rest. “All I have are scratches.”

Sirius nodded and stood. “Good. I’ll get you that bath.”

While Sirius left to take care of the bath water, Remus let his eyes close. He drifted into a state of half sleep, where everything took on a surreal quality. He was running through the woods, stopping every now and then to howl. The pack returned his howls and the voices of the wolves reverberated through his body. He changed course, running closer and closer to them until finally he stumbled upon a clearing and—

“Remus?”

Someone—Sirius— was shaking his arm lightly. Remus blinked and shifted to push him off.

“The bath’s ready. Need some help?” Sirius sounded far lighter than he had when Remus first came home.

“Looks that way.” Remus mumbled his response.

Sirius took Remus’s hand and pulled him up onto his feet, then wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close. At first the ground felt uneven and it took a minute to steady his balance.

“Ready,” Remus said.

“I think I’d better stay with you. Don’t want you drowning in the tub.”

“You’re just looking forward to seeing me naked.” Remus leaned into Sirius and let his head rest on the man’s shoulder for a moment before straightening again. “Let’s go.”

It didn’t take long to get to the bathroom. Tired though Remus was, he could still walk and probably could have done so on his own. But Sirius’s body was warm and he fit comfortably against him.

When they reached the bathroom, Remus quickly stripped himself of his clothes with more than a little help from his lover.

“Merlin’s beard.” Sirius muttered. He reached out and his fingers slid down Remus’s back. “Nothing but scratches.”

Instead of replying, Remus sank into the bathtub, letting his eyes close momentarily as the hot water pooled around his body. He reached for the soap but Sirius took it out of his hands.

“I’ll take care of that.”

A small smile crossed Remus’s lips. “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” Sirius returned the smile as he took a washcloth and began to lightly scrub Remus’s skin.

“Can’t keep your hands off me.” Remus’s eyes drifted shut.

“Never.”

They continued on in silence until finally Remus drifted off into sleep. The water around him was red and viscous and when he raised his hands they were stained with blood. Remus started awake in time to feel the water drain around him.

“You should have woke me,” he said, placing his hand on the tub and pushing himself up.

“Nah, you needed it. Besides you’re so peaceful when you sleep.” Sirius held out a towel and helped Remus dry off.

“I’ve got it.” There was a tinge of irritation in his voice. He knew that often he was nonsensical in the wake of the full moon but today was different.

Remus wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out.

“Sorry, it’s just—”

Remus sighed and pushed a hand through his damp hair. “Never mind. I’m just tired.” He put his arm around Sirius’s shoulder as he took a step forward, not caring to slip and fall on the water that had accumulated on the floor.

“I don’t blame you. Come on.”

Sirius guided him to the bed. Sirius followed when Remus collapsed onto it. Remus shifted to make sure that his lover had enough room before he moved closer to him. Sirius stretched out his arm and brought Remus to rest on his chest.

“Sirius?”

“Hm?” Sirius rubbed his hand over Remus’s sides.

“If I ever bit someone—”

Sirius cut him off. “It wouldn’t be your fault.”

Remus summoned the strength to continue to speak. “I could have last night.”

“But you didn’t,” Sirius said. He moved so he could kiss Remus’s forehead. “You didn’t.” He repeated.

“If I did—”

“Dumbledore sent you there for a reason. _If_ it happens it’s on his conscience, not yours.”

Remus fell silent. Half asleep, he could almost believe Sirius’s words. The dream from several minutes ago reminded him that was not the case.


	21. Chapter 21

It had been days since Remus had seen Sirius. The man was busy preparing for a mission he would have to go on, one he couldn’t talk about. That was nothing unusual and really, they had both been lucky that Sirius hadn’t been sent on many missions lately. That didn’t stop Remus from worrying and whenever he did see Sirius the tension stretched between them.

He didn’t see much of anyone else either. He guessed they didn’t want to associate with someone they suspected of being a traitor. In moments he didn’t care to admit to, Remus wonder if that was responsible for Sirius’s absence.

Remus had just resigned himself to practicing spells for the day when he heard the doorbell ring. Telling himself that Sirius probably would have come by floo, he tried not to get his hopes up. Still, he felt disappointed when he opened the door and found only Peter. They ended up talking for some time and somehow the conversation kept coming around to the Order, which was on both of their minds. They told each other that Sirius would be all right but hovering in both of their minds was the thought that they had lost four Order members in the past year. And remembering what had happened to Caradoc…

Remus had made a hasty retreat by offering Peter coffee. After that Remus steered the conversation away from the war and Peter seemed more than happy to follow. When he left Remus stared at the fireplace, losing himself in his thoughts and the flames, not paying attention…

That is until a very familiar face appeared in the fire.

“Sirius?” Remus sat up straight immediately.

Sirius grinned at him. “Mind if I drop by?”

“Do you need to ask?” Remus countered, flashing him a smile.

“No, but I thought I better avoid surprising you. You’re good at those curses now.”

Before Remus could respond Sirius’s head disappeared. Soon after a figure appeared, revolving in the fireplace before coming to a stop and Sirius stepped out.

“It’s too bad you didn’t come by earlier,” Remus said, standing. He reached out and grabbed Sirius’s shirt, pulling him in closer. “Peter was here.”

“I know. He came by the house.” Sirius touched Remus’s cheek, letting his finger trail past his jawline and down his neck. “He said you seemed down.”

It was no use lying to Sirius, at least not completely.

“Just worried.” Remus replied, leaning into the touch.

“Don’t be,” Sirius said. His hand move lower and came to rest on Remus’s shoulder. He leaned in but instead of kissing Remus he pressed their foreheads together. “I should have come by earlier.”

“You were busy, it’s all right.”

“I might not see you for a while. It can wait.” Sirius drew back and smiled.

“Are you here to say goodbye?”

“That depends on what you mean by goodbye.” Sirius finally kissed him, pulling him into his arms and holding him there.

Remus pushed himself close and wrapped his arms around Sirius in return. He parted his lips and Sirius responded in kind. Sirius’s fingers dug into Remus’s back. Remus lost track of time, lost in Sirius’s taste.

Sirius pulled away. “I’m coming back.”

“I know.” Remus nudged Sirius’s nose with his own. “I know.”

The next kiss was much the same as the first, at least at the start: slow and tender. But when Sirius slipped his hand beneath Remus’s shirt the passion built. Sirius nipped at Remus’s lower lips. He pushed his own lips hard against him and his other hand went to Remus’s ass to bring him close.

“Sirius…” Remus moaned before his lips were claimed again.

Sirius guided him back to the bedroom. They had only made it halfway down the hall by the time Sirius had unbuckled his trousers. After that it was a blur of discarded clothes and hurried movements. If it had been months ago they wouldn’t have bothered keeping their hands off each other long enough to walk to the bedroom but before they got too far Remus pushed himself away from the wall and out of Sirius’s arms.

“Bed,” he said as Sirius moved up behind him, wrapping his arms about him and kissing his shoulder.

“Can’t I have you here?” Sirius moaned. He pressed his erection against Remus’s ass.

“No.” Instead of moving back against him, Remus disentangled himself from Sirius’s arms, taking the man’s hand in his own and leading him to the bedroom.

Sirius followed without protest. Every time he caught up to Remus, just as soon as he pressed a kiss to various parts of his body, Remus stepped faster until Sirius was kissing air.

“Tease.”

“I am not a tease. You’re being impatient.” Remus sounded calm and, unlike Sirius, his breathing was slow and even.

“It can’t be both?”

Once they reached the bed, Remus climbed on it and turned to face Sirius, who crawled on his hands and knees over Remus’s body.

“I have you now,” Sirius said triumphantly, grinning down at his lover.

“Do you?”

Remus shifted his weight, brought his leg up around Sirius’s, and rolled them over so that he was pinning him to the bed. He didn’t kiss Sirius on the mouth this time. His lips moved steadily down his lover’s neck until he reached his shoulder. Teeth scraped against flesh and he bit down hard, earning a sharp exhale and soft cry from Sirius. Remus jumped back.

“I shouldn’t have—” He started, eyes widening at his own actions.

“It’s fine,” Sirius said quickly. “There’s no blood, is there?”

“No.”

“Then it’s fine.” Sirius leaned in to press his lips to Remus’s again in soft, light kisses. “Be careful and we’re fine.”

Remus turned his head away from Sirius and sat back. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

Sirius stared up at Remus for a moment, brow furrowed. “Have you wanted to do that before?”

“Yes, but I never—it shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t mean to.”

Sirius sat up and cupped Remus’s face in his hands. “It’s fine.” He repeated. “I don’t mind a little pain in the bedroom.”

Remus would have mentioned he figured that out when Sirius had goaded Remus into bending him over the counter and slamming into him but right now he was too aghast at what he’d done.

“If I’d drawn blood—”

“You wouldn’t have passed it on. You’re not transformed.”

“Who knows what might have happened.”

“Remus…” Sirius leaned in but Remus leaned back.

“I can’t do that again. I don’t even know why I did that.”

Sirius sighed. “Remus, you’ve been with the werewolves for a while. It could be that it’s natural for your instincts to come out. It’s not necessarily bad.”

“I can’t lose control like that.” Remus insisted. His face hardened. “I can’t. If I hurt someone I could never forgive myself.”

“You’re not going to hurt me.” Sirius moved his hands back so he was cradling Remus’s head. “You’d never hurt me.”

“I bit you!” Remus pushed himself away from Sirius and off of the bed. He walked to the door. His fingers tore at his hair as he grasped it.

He heard the slide of fabric as Sirius rose and walked up behind him, then arms were around his waist and Sirius was resting his head on Remus’s shoulder.

“You didn’t hurt me.” He kissed Remus’s neck. “It’s all right to lose control sometimes.”

“All right for you.” Remus shot back. “You’re not a werewolf.”

Sirius’s hand slid up Remus’s stomach. “Let go,” he said softly. “You can let go with me.”

“I can’t let go with anyone.”

“Yes, you can.” Sirius pressed his face to Remus’s neck. “You have before with me.”

Remus shook his head and took Sirius’s arms, unwinding them from around him. “Not like that.”

“Remus, I’m going away soon. I don’t want to argue about this. I want to make love to you.” Sirius’s tone was gentle as was his touch when he ran his hands up Remus’s back.

Remus took a deep breath.

Sirius was leaving. Sirius was risking his life. He might never see Sirius again. No, this wasn’t how he wanted to say goodbye. But he didn’t want to hurt him either.

Remus turned to look at Sirius, uncertainty clear on every line on his face.

“Trust me,” Sirius said.

Remus kissed him. When Sirius pulled him back to bed he went willingly.

\---

Lips pressed against the back of Remus’s neck in feathery kisses and he stirred, letting out a soft hum and opening his eyes. Sirius’s arm was still draped around his waist as it had been last night when they’d fallen asleep. The man flattened his palm over Remus’s stomach.

“Sirius…” Remus sighed.

“Are you awake now?” Sirius kept kissing him.

“Mm.” Remus reached behind him and tangled his fingers in Sirius’s hair. “Thanks to you.”

“Do you have a problem with this?”

“No.” Remus responded lazily. His eyes drifted shut again. Then Sirius pressed his cock against his ass.

“It’s early.” Remus protested.

“And I have to leave soon.” Sirius moved to Remus’s shoulder and sucked hard at his flesh. “Be inside me one more time? We can make it quick.”

“You’re insatiable.” Remus rolled over and kissed Sirius. He rested his hand on the other man’s hips and bucked forward into him, slow, then quick in sharp thrusts until Sirius was whining into his lips.

“Just this once.” Remus whispered.

Sirius spread out on his back, tugging Remus with him. He ran his fingers through Remus’s hair. “Will you get the lube?”

“You just pulled me on top of you.”

“You were grinding against me. What was I supposed to do?”

“Insatiable,” Remus said again and he kissed Sirius. He pushed his tongue into the man’s mouth and then when Sirius moaned, pulled back and went to grab the lube from where it had been set on the nightstand.

“Tease.”

“You’ve told me.” Remus slicked his fingers with the lube then settled between Sirius’s legs, pushing them apart and slipping a finger inside of him. He was still loose from last night so it wouldn’t take long.

Sirius pushed into Remus’s finger. Remus looked up and smiled at him, at least before his gaze fell on the bruise on the man’s shoulder. He still didn’t know what had come over him last night. Maybe Sirius was right and being with the pack was bringing out his more animalistic instincts. If that was the case then it was only going to get worse.

“More.” Sirius urged.

“You’re almost ready,” Remus said, shaking off his thoughts and focusing back on his lover. “I’m not surprised. You were terrible last night.”

“Insatiable, I think you called me.”

Remus hummed his agreement and leaned over Sirius to kiss his chest. He easily slid another finger inside of him—and then another after that.

“Remus…” Sirius pushed up, pressing his arousal against Remus's stomach.

Remus wrapped his hand around Sirius and slowly stroked him, pressing an apologetic kiss to his bruise.

“I’m ready. Please…” Sirius thrust into Remus’s hand as he spoke.

“I know. Give me a minute. I’m still tired.” Remus nuzzled Sirius’s neck and breathed in his scent. “You’re beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful too just—please.”

Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’s throat, just over his jugular. It pulsed beneath his lips before he pulled away and took hold of his cock, holding it outside of Sirius’s entrance and thrusting inside.

Sirius’s hands went to Remus’s back. Nails bit into Remus’s skin as he met his thrust.

“You want this fast?” Remus asked, driving his hips forward and into Sirius again.

“No, but it needs to be.” Sirius hooked his legs around Remus’s waist.

Right. Because Sirius had to leave.

Remus met Sirius in a kiss. He bucked his hips forward, moving fast and hard, the way Sirius would sometimes beg for. His thighs were still sore from last night but he continued anyway. The tension rose and each time he thrust Sirius moaned, writhing beneath him and meeting him, Remus felt himself come closer. He would have liked to draw this out, as they had last night, fucking each other into exhaustion, but there simply wasn’t time.

Remus stroked Sirius’s cock fast, allowing him no reprieve and he spilled first in Remus’s hand, with Remus following shortly after, throwing his head back and yelling Sirius’s name.

“I’m going to miss you,” Sirius said between gasps, soothing Remus’s back with his fingers.

“I’ll miss you too.” Remus pulled out of Sirius and lay on the bed next to him. He curled up next to his warm body.

“I need to take a shower,” Sirius said after a moment. He kissed Remus’s forehead. “Then get my things.”

Remus didn’t see how he could sound so awake. He wanted to melt into the bed. “Say goodbye before you go.”

“Again?” Sirius kissed his lips this time.

“Sirius…” Remus groaned. Another time would kill him, he was sure.

“I know. I will.” Sirius kissed him again then moved away.

Remus sighed and reached for his wand. After a spell to clean up the mess, he pulled up the blankets over his body.

He must have fallen asleep as the next thing he knew he was jolted awake at the sound of the doorbell ringing frantically. Remus jumped out of bed and picked up the clothes he’d shed last night, fingers fumbling as he hurried to put them on.

The doorbell rang again. Remus swore. Trousers still unbuckled, he ran into the hall.

Remus knew better than to expect it to be nothing. No one would have played this prank on him and everyone knew better than to be impatient, as much as they wanted to get off the street.

When Remus unlocked the door and opened it, he was sweating.

James and Lily were on the doorstep, both pale, holding each other’s hands tightly. Lily seemed to be in a state of shock though she was clearly trying to keep herself together. James, on the other hand, looked distraught. He immediately grabbed Remus about the arms.

“Tell me Sirius is here.” His hazel eyes bore into Remus’s and his grip on him tightened to the point of pain.

“He is. What happ—”

Before he could finish James threw himself around Remus, holding onto him as tightly as he’d held his arms. He didn’t say anything but let out a ragged breath.

Lily was the one to supply the necessary information. “The Death Eaters ransacked his home. We thought they’d taken him.”

Remus’s jaw dropped. “Last night?”

James let go of him and took a step back. He pressed his hand to his face then laughed weakly. “I need to see him.”

“He’s taking a shower.” Remus moved away from the door so the couple could enter. “Is his house still there?”

“Yes but they tore up—everything. And his owl is…” Lily trailed off.

Remus could only imagine what they did to the poor creature once they realized Sirius wasn’t there. He hoped they’d grown bored with it soon after they realized it wasn’t as satisfying as torturing a human.

James ran further back into the house. Remus let him go and, rather mechanically, locked the door behind them.

“I’ve never seen him like that,” Lily said, staring after her husband. “When we got the news he insisted on going to the house. It was horrible. They had to kick us out.”

“Come on, I need to be there for Sirius.” Remus walked quickly to the living room. “You look like you could sit down.”

“No,” Lily said stubbornly. “I’m fine.”

By the time they got to the hall they saw Sirius with a towel around his waist, wrapped in a bear hug by James.

“—Broke everything. I thought you were dead, you bastard.”

Sirius wrapped one arm around James. “I’m all right.” He sounded dazed and when he looked over to Remus and Lily, his eyes were wide and face pale with shock. “I was with Remus.”

James finally took a step back, muttering something Remus couldn’t hear.

Sirius placed his hand on his shoulder. He waited until James was calmer then spoke. “What happened to Astra?”

James shook his head.

Sirius’s lips drew into a thin line. He nodded. “I should go there. They’ll want to talk to me.”

“I’ll go with you,” Remus said.

“No, you need to stay at headquarters.” He smiled weakly at Remus. “I’ll be fine. I’ll come back when it’s over. I think the mission is off.” He wandered back into the bathroom in order to dress.

Lily rested her hand on Remus’s shoulder. “I think he wants to be alone. Do you want some company?”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

If Sirius hadn’t been with Remus that night he would be dead. He would have been tortured and murdered and all Remus would have left was his cold body.

“I think I want to be alone too.” Remus finished.

\---

It was late when Sirius returned. He didn’t say much but he allowed Remus to hold him in his arms.

“You can stay with me,” Remus said when he drew back. He touched Sirius’s cheek, warm and alive. “As long as you need to.”

“I know,” Sirius said quietly. There was little emotion to his voice. “I knew you’d say that.” He buried himself in Remus’s arms, hiding his face in the crook of Remus’s neck.

“I made dinner. It’s cold now but I can heat it again.”

“Mm. In a bit.”

Remus’s hand found the back of Sirius’s neck and he stroked down it. “You’re alive. That’s all that matters.”

“They killed my bird,” Sirius said hollowly.

“I know.”

“I was going to say bye to you this morning. If I’d waited...”

Remus held Sirius a little tighter. His heart seized at the thought. He’d come so close to losing Sirius forever. “I know.” He kissed Sirius’s crown. “But you’re here.”

Sirius stayed in Remus’s arms. His breaths were faster than usual but by the time he withdrew they had returned to normal.

“I’ll have to get new clothes and… everything.”

“I’ll come with you. I went through this before, remember?” Remus swept a lock of Sirius’s hair behind his ear. “I know it’s hard but you’ll make it. It won’t be long before you’re back on your feet.”

Sirius shifted, raising his head and pressing a kiss to Remus’s lips before slipping away from him. “I’ll have that dinner.”

He was largely silent throughout the meal and Remus respected that. He cast glances as Sirius idly pushed the food around on his plate before finally taking a bite, then repeating.

“Can I stay with you?” Sirius asked after a long time. He didn’t look up from his plate.

“I told you. Of course you can.”

“No, I mean.” He lifted his gaze and stared into Remus’s eyes. “I want to live with you again. Here. I don’t want another house or flat.”

Remus’s lips parted. He knew Sirius had missed living with him but he didn’t think Sirius would care to stay here, where people would be bustling in and out all the time. Then again that didn’t bother him the way it did Remus.

“You can stay.” Remus replied softly. “As long as you want.”

Sirius stood and walked over to Remus, taking his face in his hands and kissing him, still tasting of his half-finished meal. Remus closed his eyes and returned the kiss. His fingers sank into Sirius’s hair.

“You haven’t finished eating,” he said when they parted.

“I’m not hungry.” Sirius let go of Remus’s face and unbuttoned his shirt. As soon as the first few buttons were undone, he slid his hand over Remus’s skin. He dipped them beneath Remus’s shirt and ran his fingers over his lover’s collarbone.

“Are you sure you want this?” Remus asked.

“Yeah.” Sirius kissed Remus again, undoing the rest of the buttons based on touch alone. When he was done, he parted Remus’s shirt, pulling it off of his body.

Remus thought back to the first time he and Sirius had made love. He had still been reeling from narrowly escaping the Death Eaters hours before, out of sorts and not quite able to believe his heart was still beating. The sex had been affirming his life as much as it had been grasping at a chance he’d nearly missed forever. Maybe Sirius was doing the same.

_I could have lost this too,_ Remus thought as he pushed Sirius away in order to remove the man’s shirt. _Sirius and all that we share—he could be gone. He could have died. There were so many times when we might have lost each other._

They didn’t make their way to the bedroom as they had the night before. The couch suited them just fine. But they weren’t frantic as they walked there, Sirius moving backwards, with his lips covering Remus’s. They took their time.

“I love you,” Sirius said as he lowered Remus back onto the couch. “I’d do anything for you.”

“I’d do anything for you too.” Remus echoed.

He unbuckled his trousers and eased himself out of them just as Sirius did the same though the other man removed his wand first. One hurried spell later and Sirius was on top of him, pushing his finger inside.

“Sirius.” Remus wrapped his arms around his lover’s shoulders and brought him forward so they could meet in a kiss.

“I love you.” Sirius repeated when he broke away. “I love you. I won’t leave you.”

So many lies in their relationship but always made with the best intentions.

“I know,” Remus said because what was the harm in one more?

Later, when Sirius eased inside of him, Remus came apart. Clutching desperately at Sirius, he kissed him throughout, only parting when Sirius did and always coming back for more. When Sirius moved away and pressed his lips to the scar on Remus’s shoulder, Remus whimpered in response, longing for more contact even as Sirius’s fingers spidered across his inner thigh, along yet more scars.

“Always be with me.” Remus spoke as he took Sirius’s hand from his thigh and laced their fingers together.

“Always.” Sirius leaned in and whispered against Remus’s lips. “Always.”


	22. Chapter 22

They both went out the next day, not together but separately. Sirius was cleaning up his house in an attempt to salvage what he could from it, as well as dealing with the Aurors. Meanwhile Remus, who knew Sirius’s size and taste, was out to get more clothes for him, as well as some other things. It was odd to have more money than he’d ever had in his life, all in his wallet, and before he left Sirius had suggested that he buy something for himself. Not that Remus planned on following his advice.

Given that it was December, a new leather jacket had been one of the first things on Remus’s list. He’d selected a decent amount of clothes, mostly muggle but some wizard robes as well, grabbed some extra groceries now that there would be two of them and returned home with two bags in his hands and several more hanging off his arms. At that point all he could do was ring the doorbell and hope Dorcas, who was at headquarters while he and Sirius were out, would answer quickly. However, it was Sirius who opened the door.

“Hey.” He immediately grabbed one of the heavier bags from Remus and stepped back to allow him inside.

One look at Sirius told Remus he was not in a good mood. His lips were pressed together and he wouldn’t meet Remus’s eyes. But it wasn’t sadness or shock that left him like this. His expression carried more anger than anything else.

“Did you find much?” Remus asked as they made their way to the kitchen to put away the food.

“Not really. Clothes, mostly. But the mirror made it.”

“I’m glad you have that at least,” Remus said. “I think James will want to check in on you every night for weeks.”

Sirius smiled faintly. “I uh, looked at the parts of my motorcycle but I’ll have to get a new one. When the war’s over and we move out of here.”

Remus was fortunate at that point to have been setting the bag down on the kitchen table, otherwise it might have slipped from his hands. They hadn’t talked about the future before, not with such certainty.

“You could take me on more rides with you.” Remus started slowly. “I liked it the one time we went together.”

Sirius’s smile was more genuine this time as he looked over at Remus. He reached into his bag and removed the milk first. “That’s right. We did go together. On the way to that club with James, Lily, and Peter right? I got you to dance with me.”

“Only because you were so charming.”

Sirius laughed but instead of teasing Remus he fell silent. They remained that way as they finished putting the groceries away.

“Do you want to look at your clothes?” Not waiting for a response, Remus reached into one of the bags to withdraw the leather jacket. “We can return them if—”

“Dumbledore told me to go into hiding,” Sirius said suddenly.

Remus froze. The jacket was in his hands, weighing him down. “Oh.”

“I told him I wouldn’t go but—” Sirius’s gaze drifted to the jacket and his lips curled into a smile. “Oh, you didn’t.” He took it from Remus and held it out in front of him, admiring the metal studs worked into the shoulders.

“You won’t go?” Remus asked a little too sharply.

Sirius had placed one arm through the sleeve of the jacket and the other one shortly followed. He looked up at Remus as he pulled it more firmly around his body and turned up the collar. “I’ll be just as safe here. How do I look?”

_Stunning,_ Remus didn’t say. “If Dumbledore thinks you should go—”

“Dumbledore thinks a lot of things. I don’t have to go along with everything.” Sirius looked down at himself. “I need a mirror.”

“Sirius, will you listen to me?” Remus grabbed Sirius’s jacket and gave him a small shake. “I don’t want to lose you and if the Death Eaters find you--”

“I’ll be with you here. Headquarters is safe.”

“Our last headquarters _burned down_.” Remus released Sirius but did not take a step back. He wouldn’t give him the space. “The Death Eaters are looking for you and Order members frequently congregate here. They could track you down easily and then what?”

Sirius didn’t answer.

“We’d probably both die and the Order will be compromised.” Remus continued. “I know you don’t want that. Sirius, think this through.”

“Then I’ll get a new place. If you don’t want to live with me—”

Remus resisted the urge to shake him again. His brow creased. “Sirius, you _know_ that’s not what I meant.”

“If I go into hiding that’s it!” Sirius nearly shouted. “That’s all I’ll do. I’ll sit in my house all day, maybe go out to grab some food, and do _nothing._ No more fighting, no more missions, no more _anything_ for the Order. And forget seeing you because I can’t fucking leave!”

“Sirius!” Remus grabbed Sirius’s collar. He stopped himself, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “Sirius.” He repeated in a calmer and quieter voice. “It’s something you have to do. I don’t like it either but it will keep you safe. Last night you promised me you’ll never leave me.”

“I’ll have to leave you if I go into hiding.” Sirius protested.

“No, we’ll be apart for a while. You’ll still be alive. We’ll be together after everything is over. We can buy a house and get that motorcycle for you but we won’t do that if you stay here.”

Sirius stared into his eyes, his own pleading. “You’re going soon, aren’t you?”

“Sirius—”

“To the werewolves. You’re going into danger and you want me to sit back and watch the people I love risk their lives.”

“I don’t want you to take unnecessary risks.” Remus emphasized each word.

Sirius’s gaze grew cold. “You’re talking to me about that? When you’re going to the werewolf packs and trying to convince them to join us? How successful do you think that will be?”

Remus opened his mouth but couldn’t speak for a moment. “I have to try.”

“So do I!”

Remus found his strength and stared Sirius down. “You’ll throw your life away!”

“SO WILL YOU!” Sirius tore Remus’s hands away from him and stormed off. Half a minute later the front door slammed.

Remus ran his hand through his hair. He resisted the urge to kick the chair in front of him and instead dug his fingers into his scalp.

He should go after Sirius. The Death Eaters had gone after him once—twice, he corrected himself, remembering when they’d been attacked on the street— and if Dumbledore had sent him back to headquarters then he needed to be here. Still, he got the sense that his presence would make matters worse.

He finally noticed the mirror on the table when he walked into the living room. He was going to need help with this. He stooped to pick it up.

“James.” He waited a moment. “James!”

After a minute Remus was ready to cast the mirror aside when his friend’s face replaced his own reflection.

“Remus?” James blinked. “What are you doing?”

“Sirius and I got into a fight,” Remus said evenly though he was still shaking from the loud words he and Sirius had shared. “I don’t know where he went and I think he’d rather not see me—”

“Are you daft?” James snapped. “Go after him!”

Remus opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “I think it’d be best if you—”

“Go. After him.” James rolled his eyes. “Oh Merlin, the two of you. Here, I know some places he might have gone.”

\---

If anyone were to ask his opinion, Remus would have liked to emphasize how very much he hated crowded clubs. And pubs. And he might as well throw strip clubs in there although he hadn’t dared one of them in his search for Sirius.

He found him his third try, in a pub that fortunately didn’t have many people in it. Sirius stood out, as he always did, even if his beauty was diminished by the beer he was quickly downing. There was a cigarette in his hand because having one lapse in judgment just wasn’t enough.

“Sirius.” Remus took a seat next to him.

Sirius turned his slightly unfocused eyes on Remus, who felt his stomach turn. How had he managed to drink so much in such a small time? Remus couldn’t have been looking for that long.

“I want to be alone.” Sirius slurred.

Remus closed his eyes. He pressed two fingers to his temple and took a deep breath before looking at Sirius again. “I’ll leave you alone but please, let’s go home.”

“Let me have one last night out.”

Remus’s voice was gentle when he spoke next. “I know you’re angry, hurt, and scared but Sirius, this is not the way to deal with it.”

“How should I?” Sirius shot back and took another drink.

“By talking to me.”

When Sirius set his drink down, Remus reached over and pushed it away.

“Let’s go home.” Remus continued. “Can you even see straight?”

“Yes,” Sirius said grudgingly.

Remus just gave him a look. “Let’s get the tab.”

When they got it Remus dug into his pocket for Sirius’s wallet. Fortunately, he still had it from shopping. Unfortunately, the expenses had racked up and the only thing he had in abundance was galleons, sickles, and knuts. And this wasn’t a wizarding bar.

“Er,” Remus began. “We have a problem.”

\---

It had been several hours before James had come to bail them out. First Remus had to convince the manager that he was not going to abandon Sirius when he stepped out to contact James. Then James had to exchange sickles for pounds, then he had to come get them. By the time they helped Sirius back home and onto the couch, Remus wanted to go out and get plastered as well. Not that he wasn’t angry at Sirius for doing just that—and forcing his friend and lover to cover for him.

Sirius only made it worse when he threw up on the carpet.

James moved to clean it up with his wand but Remus beat him to it.

“ _Evanesco_.”

“Sorry.” Sirius mumbled as he laid down on the couch and covered his eyes with his hand.

Remus didn’t respond to Sirius. “Thanks for getting us, James.”

“Want me to stay?”

“No, Sirius needs to sleep it off.”

“Do not.” Sirius protested.

Remus slowly breathed in and then out. “He needs to sleep it off.”

James looked from Remus to Sirius and back again. “Yeah…” He said slowly. “I’ll talk to you two tomorrow.”

Remus walked James to the door, trusting that Sirius could handle himself for five minutes. He had his back turned to his friend, unlocking the door, when he heard him speak.

“He’s had a rough time. Go easy on him.” James whispered.

Remus sighed. “I’m not going to yell at him but he needs to learn how to deal with his problems without turning to a bottle.”

“Are any of us really dealing?” James asked quietly.

The lock clicked open. Remus looked back.

“I’m not going to ask what you argued about but remember that he lost his home and his owl. He loved Astra. He’s not going to be in his right mind for a while.”

“I know but I’m trying to keep him alive. Dumbledore wants him to go into hiding and he refused.”

James let out a long breath. “Yeah, I thought that would happen.”

“Help me convince him.” Remus took a fraction of a step closer to James.

James took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt. “I don’t see that we have much choice. It’s not going to be easy. He’ll have to give up everything.”

“But he’ll be alive.” Remus looked down the hall although he couldn’t see Sirius. He could picture him still lying on the couch… hopefully.

James shrugged. “I hope.” He clasped Remus’s shoulder. “Make sure he doesn’t throw up on himself.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Once James was gone, Remus walked back to Sirius and was relieved to find that there was no more vomit to be seen.

“You’re upset,” Sirius said. He was still flat on his back but he removed his hand from his face so he could tilt his head back and look at Remus.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry.”

Remus sighed. He went to Sirius and stroked his head. “You’ll be more comfortable in bed. Can you make it?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius swung his legs over the edge of the couch and Remus grabbed his arm to help him up. He ended up having to support much of Sirius’s weight as they stumbled back to the bedroom. After taking off Sirius’s jacket, Remus stretched the man out over the bed. He considered going back to the couch and spending the night there but considering Sirius had thrown up once already he would really rather not risk him choking to death.

He crawled under the blankets and pulled them up over them. There was a fair distance between them at first.

_Go easy on him._

It wasn’t Sirius’s fault. He might have made things worse but he didn’t fuck them up to begin with. If Sirius could be patient with him during the full moons, if he had known what Remus would be ordered to do and held back from voicing his objections until now, when he’d reached his breaking point, then Remus could afford to be more patient. Being angry over being stuck in a bar was nothing next to that.

Remus curled his body around Sirius’s.

“Still angry?” Sirius started to turn to lie on his back.

“Stay on your side.” Remus pushed him back down. “And please don’t throw up.”

Sirius settled again. “Yes, then.”

“Go to sleep.” Remus closed his eyes. Long after Sirius’s breaths had evened out as he dreamed, Remus remained awake.

\---

In spite of his trouble falling asleep, Remus woke first. That probably had something to do with Sirius’s hangover and when Remus did get up, Sirius stirred, buried his face in his pillow, and whined.

Remus really should have remembered to give him some water but part of him couldn’t help but feel that Sirius deserved it for doing that to himself in the first place.

Even after Remus was done making breakfast, Sirius hadn’t woken. Remus ate in silence, at times pressing his hand to his forehead.

He reasoned that he couldn’t really blame Sirius. James was right. No one was coping well lately. The Death Eaters had been whittling away at them and now Sirius was faced with losing everything: his home, his friends, his purpose in life. It was a bitter potion to swallow and he had to handle it all at once.

Once he finished eating, he cleaned up and prepared a plate for Sirius. Scrambled eggs weren’t his favorite but Remus hadn’t felt up to making anything else that morning.

Remus paused in the doorway of the bedroom. Sirius had now pressed his face entirely into his pillow, fists clenched around the pillow case.

“Sirius?”

“Mm.”

“I have breakfast.”

Sirius made another muffle noise and rolled over. “Don’t turn the light on.”

“You want to eat in the dark?” Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand. “I have a compromise. _Lumos._ ”

A small light flickered, better illuminating the room.

Sirius cringed. “Merlin’s balls, Remus. I said no light.”

“Not exactly.” Remus walked over to him and held out the plate. “You’ll feel better once you have something in your stomach.”

“I might throw it up.” Sirius grumbled as he took the plate and set it in his lap.

“Then we’ll wait and you can have more later.” Remus walked around the bed so he could sit next to his lover.

“Are you still upset?” Sirius asked before shoveling some of the eggs in his mouth.

“I’m over it. This is the only time you’ve thrown up on the carpet so you’re still more well behaved than a dog. I think I can forgive you.”

“I don’t have hairballs either if you want to go for a cat comparison.”

“You don’t seem like a cat person.” Remus commented.

“I’m not.”

Remus smiled. He sat back as Sirius continued eating.

Sirius’s eyes met Remus’s. “You’re staring at me.”

“Should I look away?” Remus asked, doing no such thing.

“No, but you could do away with the light.”

Remus tossed his wand at the end of the bed so the light was dimmer.

“Don’t stab yourself with the fork,” he said before getting up. “I’m taking a shower. I’ll be in the living room when you’re up for talking.”

“Remus…”

“Sirius.” He responded levelly and then made his way to the door.

\---

Remus didn’t keep track of time. After taking a shower and brushing his teeth, he curled up on the couch with a book and waited. After a while he heard Sirius make his way to the bathroom and then there was the running of water. He guessed it was half an hour after that when Sirius made his way into the den.

“You want to talk?” Sirius was drying his hair with a towel, leaving it as unruly as James’s. The water fell onto his shirt, which Remus was both grateful and disappointed to see that he was wearing.

“I think we should.” Remus sat up and set his book on the coffee table without even bothering to look at the page number. “I think _you_ should.”

Sirius wrapped the towel around his shoulders. “You’re not letting me off, are you?”

“No.”

Sirius walked over to Remus and took a seat beside him. His eyes fell on the book. “What are you reading?”

“Sirius,” Remus said sharply.

“Alright, alright.” Sirius leaned back against the couch and his knees spread apart. He looked over at Remus. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to tell me what you’re feeling.” Remus answered.

Sirius locked his hands together. “How did you feel when you escaped headquarters?”

“This isn’t about—”

Sirius interrupted him. “Indulge me.”

“If I do, will you talk to me?”

“Yes. But you never talked about it either, at least not to me.”

Was it Remus’s imagination or was there an accusation in the look Sirius sent his way? _You want me to trust you but you didn’t trust me. You’re asking me to do something you never did._

“I was in shock.” Remus had told Sirius that much, the morning after. After they had made love for the first time. “I couldn’t believe what had happened. I’d almost died and—I could have lost everything. You and I wouldn’t have…”

Sirius laid his hand on Remus’s thigh, just above his knee.

“I lost everything I had. I didn’t have any clothes and I had almost no money. I was lucky that most of my parents’ things were in the vault but there were pictures I couldn’t replace.” He’d told Sirius this too, when they talked about getting him new things to replace the old. “It was a little like losing them again. I felt that same guilt and it was even worse because I—I let someone die.”

Sirius squeezed his leg. Remus laid his hand over his.

“He tried to kill you.”

“I know.” Remus tugged on the towel slung about Sirius’s shoulders. “It’s your turn.”

Sirius sighed, pulled his hand away from Remus, and looked in front of him. “I didn’t almost die but I could have and that’s—it’s hard to wrap my head around.” He rubbed his hands together. “If Peter hadn’t come to check on you, I would have been tortured and killed.”

Remus had known that but hearing Sirius say it managed to send a chill up his spine.

Sirius shook his head and continued. “And… it’s stupid. I didn’t care about most of what I had in that house. I’ve got the mirror and I didn’t have that many pictures but Astra?” Sirius shook his head again. “It’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not.” Remus touched his shoulder this time, slipping his hand beneath the towel. “She was your pet.”

Sirius stared at the book. “Yeah…” He trailed off and didn’t continue for a while. The silence between them lengthened until he broke it again. “My parents bought her for me so we could write letters while I was at Hogwarts. That never happened—they wrote but it was just to yell at me. I guess they regretted buying her for me but whenever I had to go back home she was the only one I could stand. Regulus and I—we were never the same after I was sorted. He never could break away even when I tried—” Sirius breathed out. “Anyway, she was my one friend all through the summer and during the winter holidays. When I left I wasn’t sure if would keep her but the day after I went to James she showed up at his home with a letter I’d sent him a few days before. It felt really damn good to see her because who knows what my parents would have done to her if she got back home. Maybe sold her, best case scenario. They weren’t terrible but I wouldn’t put certain things past them…” Sirius’s expression hardened and his voice turned bitter. “But it would have been a better fate than the one she had. She didn’t deserve what they did to her. She didn’t deserve that.”

“You treated her well,” Remus said quietly as he rubbed Sirius’s shoulder. “She had a good life. She was loved. Whatever pain she went through is over now.”

“It still happened.”

Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius.

“If I go into hiding I’ll be alone.” Sirius’s voice was hushed but the tension was building.

This was what had been the last straw. This was what had sent him seeking escape in the bottom of a bottle.

“James won’t be there. Lily won’t be there or Peter.” He finally turned to look at Remus. “ _You_ won’t be there. I’ll have no one and I won’t be able to do anything but sit around until the end of the war. That could be years and if we don’t win then what? I’d rather die fighting.”

“I’d rather you live. You won’t help anyone if you don’t go.”

Sirius turned to face him entirely. “And if I do will I ever see you again?”

“Sirius…” Remus touched his lover’s face. “I don’t know.” His voice shook as he said the words but he held himself together. “But if you stay we won’t have a chance to be together when this is over. You’ll be gone and I can’t live with myself knowing you died when if I’d tried harder I could have convinced you to be safe.”

Sirius pressed his forehead to Remus’s. “I can’t leave you.”

“Then I’ll have to leave you.” Remus brushed his thumb over Sirius’s cheek. "I told you before, I’ll have to go. We can’t stay together.”

“What will I do?”

Remus pulled away so he could look into Sirius’s eyes, realizing too late that his own were filling with tears. “You can try reading.”

“I’ll go mad.”

“You’re already mad, Sirius Black.” Remus smiled.

Sirius pulled him close. He rested his head on Remus’s shoulder. “I’m scared.” He whispered.

Remus closed his eyes and held his love tightly. “So am I.”


	23. Chapter 23

With each firm thrust of Remus’s hips, the bed shook beneath them. Sirius had braced himself with one hand grasping the headboard but each time Remus pressed deeper inside him he nearly hit the wooden frame.

Remus took hold of Sirius’s hips and pulled him further down the bed with him. Sirius’s arms wrapped around his lover’s shoulders. He was still gasping, lips swollen from when Remus’s had covered them, and his pupils were wide. He looked beautiful lying there, with his hair strewn about him, and how he pressed eagerly down to meet each of Remus’s thrusts.

Remus kept on hand on the man’s hips while the other grabbed his arm to hold him in place. He leaned over him, mouthing at his shoulder, teeth scraping against his skin and digging just a bit before he withdrew. But not completely. He remained inside, filling Sirius and every time Remus gasped. Every time he groaned Sirius echoed it until neither of them could last any longer. Remus came first, closing his eyes tight and moaning and then Sirius a moment later, when Remus had curled his hand around him and stroked.

Sirius was still gasping when he pulled Remus back down to the bed beside him. His hand crept down his lover’s spine and when he reached the base he laid it on Remus’s hip. He laughed breathlessly as he drew his thumb in a circle over Remus’s hipbone.

“I missed this,” Remus said. “I forgot how bad we were when we lived together.”

“Oh, we were terrible.” Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus, pulling him closer until their bodies met and Remus was nearly on top of him.

“Again?” Remus smiled.

“What else are we going to do today?” Sirius pressed his lips to Remus’s once more.

“Talk. Practice spells. See if our friends want to visit.” Remus fought back a laugh as Sirius moved to his neck.

“Boring.”

“What do I do with you, Sirius Black?” Remus ran his fingers through the locks of Sirius’s hair, strung together by sweat. “You’d chain me to the bed all day if you could.”

“I’m insulted.” Sirius pulled back and grinned. “I don’t need to use chains.”

“You think you’re irresistible?” Remus mirrored Sirius’s grin.

“Aren’t I?”

“Yes.” Remus pushed Sirius onto his back and straddled him.

\---

When they finally made it out of bed it was some time in the afternoon. They took turns showering, at Remus’s insistence, not wanting to end up entangled in each other’s arms for another few hours.

His hair took a much shorter time to dry than Sirius’s but it was still damp when he made his way to the kitchen and found Sirius eating some cereal, apparently too lazy to bother making some real food.

He held out the box. “Hungry?”

“I know why I’m so skinny,” Remus said as he took it. “You keep giving me a workout and then you feed me cereal.” He went to get a bowl and spoon as well as some milk.

“I like you skinny.” Sirius propped his elbow on the table and admired his lover. “And you’ve got a great ass.”

Remus blushed. “No wonder why you like it so much.” Finished preparing his light meal, he joined Sirius at the table. “Do you want to have James and Lily over? We can ask Peter if he wants to come after he gets off work.”

Sirius paused to respond before taking a bite of his cereal. “Are we going to have a party?”

“I thought since you’re going away you’d like to see them more.”

Sirius put down his spoon in his bowl. “Remus…” He began slowly, not looking up at him.

_No. No, we decided._

“I’m not going.” Sirius finished, still unable to look at Remus.

“You agreed,” Remus said firmly.

“Yeah.” Sirius finally raised his eyes. “And then I thought about it and I’m not going.”

“They’re looking into a safe house for you. You can’t tell them--”

“I did.”

Remus blinked. Sirius still met his gaze, grey eyes open and earnest.

“What?”

“Last night, I told them to stop. They were angry as hell but—”

“And you didn’t even tell me!” Remus snapped.

“I’m telling you now,” Sirius said evenly.

“Oh Merlin, Sirius.” Remus buried his head in his hands.

“Remus—”

“You’re going to get yourself killed!” The words burst from Remus’s mouth and he pulled his hands away from his face. “Do you even care?”

“I don’t want to die but I’m not going to sit and do nothing.”

“Do you know what that would do to your friends? To me?”

“Remus—” Sirius reached for his hand.

Remus pushed his chair back. “You’re not just my lover you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. It would destroy me.”

“I might die even if I go into hiding and if I do I don’t want it to be like that.”

“You are selfish. You don’t care how your death will affect anyone else.”

“We could all die!” Sirius at last raised his voice. “All of us! Benjy, Caradoc, Fabian and Gideon—”

Remus’s chest tightened when he heard Caradoc’s name. “They weren’t in hiding! You can live, Sirius!”

“So can you, if you come with me.” Sirius’s voice returned to normal but his eyes were boring into Remus’s.

For a moment, Remus could only stare. “What?”

“I’ll go if you come with me.”

Remus’s throat constricted. He hadn’t considered that. He had too many responsibilities. The Order had been his life for three years. But then it had been Sirius’s for almost as long. If he could give that up...

“You know I can’t,” he said weakly.

“Yes, you can. You don’t want me to die? I don’t want you to die either. I don’t want to live without you.” Sirius’s gaze softened. “I do understand.”

What it had been like this morning, over the past few days, and back when they were living together… they could have that for years. For as long as Sirius wanted him.

They could be _safe._ Sirius would be safe.

Remus was at a loss.

“Remus?” Sirius pushed his hand across the table even though Remus was out of reach. “Please.”

Remus slid his chair in and took Sirius’s hand.

“I will.” He whispered. “I’ll go with you.”

\---

After the Order meeting, the members slowly filed out, spacing when they left so as not to attract suspicion. Dumbledore, meanwhile, was calling them in one by one to speak about each of their personal missions. It was then that Lily pulled Remus aside, into the hall leading to the bedroom. He hadn’t noticed that James had slipped away already until he saw him standing there.

“I have something to tell you.” Lily smiled. She practically glowed. “I was going to wait but since you and Sirius are leaving…”

“What?” Remus felt no anxiety. Whatever Lily had to say, judging by the light in her eyes, it could be nothing but good news.

“I’m pregnant.”

Remus felt his eyes go wide. “Congratulations! How long—”

“About three months. I was going to wait until after the third but I wanted to tell you in person.”

“That’s wonderful!” Remus grinned. “Have you thought of names?”

James cleared his throat. “I think Elvendork is a good name.”

“And I think Son Of The Biggest Prat is a better name.” Lily shot back, smiling as James wrapped his arm around her.

“Ah Lily, how could I not love you?” James pulled her close.

“Your affection might be one sided,” Remus said.

“Only as long as he insists on Elvendork instead of taking this seriously.” Lily glanced at her husband.

“You married the wrong man if you want that.” Remus replied.

“Anyway, Sirius...” James interjected. “He’ll be the godfather. So that makes you—well, I’m not sure what it makes you. Honorary co-godfather?”

Remus felt his knees go a little weak. He wouldn’t be the child’s godfather but they were expecting him to fill the role in some capacity. And yet he was…

“I believe that makes me the godfather’s boyfriend,” he said.

“And also the voice of reason,” Lily said. “Someone has to make sure he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take the baby on a motorcycle ride.”

“I don’t think he’s that stupid.” Remus laughed.

James let go of Lily and leaned in in a conspiratorial manner. “I do.”

Remus heard someone walk up behind him and started when an arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“I don’t like that look.” Came Sirius’s voice. He looked at Remus. “Sorry, did I surprise you?”

“It’s a habit of yours.”

The darker haired man looked at James and Lily. “You told him?”

Lily nodded. “We did.”

“Good.” Sirius kissed Remus’s forehead. “I’ve been dying to tell you but someone insisted we wait.” He let go of his lover. “Dumbledore wants to see you. Does he know you’re coming with me?”

“I imagine he does by now.” Remus stepped forward and hugged Lily. “Congratulations again.” He held out his hand and shook James’s. “And to you too.”

“Thanks, Remus.”

When Remus stepped into the dining room to speak with Dumbledore, he was still smiling. “You wanted to see me.”

Dumbledore was seated at the end of the table and when Remus finished speaking he gestured to the chair next to him. “Yes, please have a seat.”

Usually Remus felt a little nervous when he had these meetings with Dumbledore. He was never sure what his next orders would be regarding the werewolves. And this time he was nervous too but only because he’d be turning down any further missions. He’d be leaving everything behind to go with Sirius—and wasting all of Dumbledore’s efforts in him. It wasn’t an easy feeling to face but if it kept Sirius safe…

“First, I believe there is something you would like to discuss with me.”

“Yes.” Remus began. Steeling himself, he continued. “I’m going into hiding with Sirius. He’s important to me and he refuses to go without me. I know we’ve talked about me going to the werewolf packs but whenever I talk to them they don’t listen. The most we’ve done is transform together. I have little to report back on and I don’t think I’m making much headway at all.”

Dumbledore had folded his hands in front of him and was staring at Remus intently. Remus was fairly sure there was no disappointment in his eyes; in fact, he was unreadable, but he felt like he could see it there nonetheless.

“I’m sorry but this is the most I can do.” He finished.

“Remus.” Dumbledore spoke slowly. He unfolded his hands and laid them across his lap. “I’m afraid that we’ve been unable to secure a safe house for Sirius.”

“We can wait.”

“It may be months before we can find a suitable location for a werewolf to reside in. If what you say is true, and I do not doubt it is, then Sirius will not be able to go into hiding. Right now he will be safest at headquarters and while he is here I doubt he will sit idle. It is not in his character.”

Remus felt the ground give way beneath him. It had been foolish to entertain dreams about this. But it had seemed within his reach: finally an escape.

“It is simply not possible for you to go. Should either of you wish to leave the Order and go into hiding on your own, I cannot stop you.”

Remus briefly entertained the idea but knew at once that he couldn’t. He was a werewolf. He needed a fixed location for his transformations, somewhere that could contain him and if the Order couldn’t find that he didn’t have a hope of doing so.

“In the meantime, you are more essential than ever to the Order.” Dumbledore removed a roll of parchment from his robes and slid it over the table to Remus. “I have procured more detailed information on the inner workings of the werewolf packs. I will not pretend that it is thorough but combined with what you have learned I believe it is time for you to infiltrate them this coming full moon.” He leveled Remus with a penetrating stare. “If you are prepared.”

Remus ran his fingers over the parchment then, delicately, unrolled it. He glanced at the first few sentences.

“I don’t have a choice, do I?” He asked quietly.

“You always have a choice, Remus. I will not force you to do this, only ask that you consider the benefits.”

“Sirius will be furious.” He whispered too quietly for Dumbledore to hear.

But Sirius wouldn’t go into hiding on his own. He was going to risk his life, just as Remus would have to risk his. This was always what they were meant for. Remus was a fool to think otherwise. There was no point in raging or yelling, no matter how much he wanted to. That would change nothing.

He looked up at Dumbledore, expressionless, and when he spoke his voice was numb. “Alright.”


	24. Chapter 24

Sirius and Remus had only a few days left together. The anger coming off of Remus’s lover was still palpable. He couldn’t blame him. They’d made plans together only to have them ripped away. At the same time, in the same blow, they’d been given only a short time to spend together until they would have to be parted for who knew how long.

They’d made love for what Remus hoped was not the last time. Remus had gotten ready, which hadn’t taken long. He had only a handful of clothes to take with him along with a few essentials, lest he ruin his image as an impoverished werewolf who’d just been evicted. Then he’d retreated back to the bed and Sirius, who had watched him weave in and out of the room, wrapped his arms around him.

“Maybe they won’t take you,” Sirius said. His hand stroked down Remus’s back.

“They’ve been expecting to for some time. We’re werewolves. They must be shocked I’ve had a home for this long.”

Sirius didn’t reply.

Remus nestled his head against the curve of Sirius’s neck. “I’ll come back.” He traced his fingers over Sirius’s bare chest. He pressed a kiss to the man’s throat. “Be here when I do.”

“I will.”

“Will you promise not to get into any trouble?” Remus asked. “You won’t take any risks unless you absolutely need to?”

“Don’t worry about me, Remus,” Sirius said quietly. “I can take care of myself. Just worry about staying alive.”

“I can say the exact same thing to you.”

“We’ll both be careful then.” Sirius opened his eyes and moved back just enough to look into Remus’s. “You’ll be back. We’ll see each other again.” He promised.

Remus wanted to believe it. He kissed Sirius and then pulled him into a hug. “Be careful.”

Sirius kissed Remus’s neck. “I will.”

For far longer than he should have, Remus held onto Sirius.

\---

Remus couldn’t get the last image of Sirius out of his mind. Remus, battered suitcase in hand, glancing back and seeing Sirius in the doorway of headquarters. He’d been holding back tears and biting his lip to keep it from trembling

He met Sabine outside the entrance to the “city.”

“You look like a mess,” she said.

“I was evicted.” Remus replied.

Sabine shrugged. “Who hasn’t been? Follow me.”

No one was there to greet him. That was something of a relief as Sabine led him to his room. Unfortunately, it was one he would share with the rest of the pack and it looked like his bed was a simple pallet on the floor. He set what few things he’d brought by it.

“It’s better than being out on the street,” Sabine said.

When Remus thanked her, she laughed at him.

“You’re too polite. I’ll take you to Phelan. He’s with the others.”

The others were not the rest of Remus’s now packmates but the other werewolves as a whole. Remus lost count of how many there were—at least fifty all congregated together, some looking better or more feral than others. As they approached Phelan, the werewolf turned to look at them. He pulled Sabine in for a kiss.

“Go,” he said and Sabine nodded before leaving. He then turned to Remus. “Well, here you are.”

Judging by Sabine’s reaction, he was fairly sure how he was supposed to react. “You couldn’t even have a bed for me?” He snapped, summoning up all the anger that he could.

It didn’t work. Phelan, too, laughed.

“You really don’t know the first thing about werewolves. Given that you are one, I would have thought it impossible but here you are to prove me wrong.” Phelan held up his hands and laughed again. “I salute you.”

There was nothing fake this time, Remus was genuinely angry. Not just because he’d spent years preparing for this but because someone was saying he was less of a werewolf. As if that meant he was any less rejected by society. And now Remus did not hold back that anger. “If you think I’m any less a werewolf then you should see me during the full moon.” He snapped.

Phelan folded his arms over his chest. He regarded Remus for a moment before replying. “Better that time. But God, Remus. You reek of the smell of wizards and everything in the way you walk screams that you’re one of them.” He laughed but his words were cold and bitter. “Tell me, why did you bother with them? Are you that much of a masochist that you kept trying time and time again after they rejected you? It wasn’t obvious that they hate you or do some of them consider you a pet?”

“No.” Remus’s tone was equally cold. “I’m no one’s pet.”

“I find that hard to believe. Everything about you screams domesticity.” He picked at his teeth. “You said you were a child when you were bitten?”

“I was six years old.” As much as Remus tried to sound calm and as much as he had rehearsed it, he still sounded unsettled by the question. He never liked thinking about that night. He had spent too long suppressing all memory of it.

“Six, huh?” Phelan looked thoughtful for a moment. “Greyback!” He called. He shoved Remus in front of a werewolf. “Is this one of yours?”

A man who had been about to walk past them turned back and moved to them. He stared at Remus, sizing him up before fixing his gaze on Remus’s face. As for Remus, the closer Greyback walked the more he could feel something thrashing in the back of his mind, a long suppressed memory trying to break through. The closer Greyback came the less Remus wanted to remember.

“What’s your name, boy?” Greyback’s voice sounded like he had poured gravel into his throat. Remus was fairly sure he saw traces of blood on his lips and his cold, yellow eyes gleamed.

For a moment Remus was paralyzed, unable to speak. “R-Remus Lupin.”

“Remus Lupin…” Greyback echoed. And then he grabbed Remus’s chin and turned his head. “John Lupin’s son? All grown up. Oh, I see it now. Yes, yes.” Greyback grinned as if he were meeting an old friend he hadn’t seen in years. He released Remus. “You are one of mine. So you’re finally here. I didn’t think you’d ever come but here you are and what a man you’ve grown into. A bit scrawnier than I would’ve liked.”

While Greyback talked Remus started to shake. He folded his arms over his chest, hoping that would calm him but it did not. He knew those yellow eyes staring back at him. He knew though he had tried very, very hard to forget.

Greyback’s grinned widened. He took nothing but pleasure from Remus’s growing discomfort. “You remember me, don’t you? You remember that night when everything changed.”

“You did this.” Unlike his body, Remus’s voice was calm in spite of the flood of blocked memories and emotions overwhelming his mind. “You bit me.”

“Well now, I couldn’t just let your father _say_ those things about us without reprisal. What better way to enlighten him than to claim his only son?”

Remus clenched his hands into fists. He’d never known. His father had never told him, never said anything about it. His parents told him it was an accident. His own father had caused this? What had he said? Had he been like the others Remus had met? The ones who wanted to put him down, who thought his mere existence was a danger to everyone he came near. How could he? His father had been nothing but supportive of him growing up. He’d tried so hard to find a cure for his son, even knowing that one did not exist. And then when he gave up hope, he’d fought to secure a better future for Remus. He had failed.

“Oh now, little Lupin.” Greyback patted his cheek. “Don’t look so angry. Imagine what your life would have been like if I hadn’t. Would you ever know the thrill of feeling the life leave your kill? Would you know the taste of human blood?”

“I don’t. I never—” He stopped.

“Oh,” Greyback looked to Phelan. “We have a _virgin_ among us. We’ll fix that.” He looked back at Remus. “You must think you’re better than everyone here. You might even think you’re innocent, that you’re nothing like us.”

Greyback stepped closer. They were face to face, their noses almost touched. The last time Remus had been this close to someone it had been Sirius and the situation could not have been more different.

He stared into Greyback’s eyes and despite all his preparation, despite everything he had learned, he did not look away. This was the man who had killed the boy Remus would have become. This man had ruined his life before it had really begun.

“Listen to me.” Greyback snarled. “You’re not innocent. You’ve never been innocent, not since you met me. You’ve grown soft. You’ve spent so many years denying what you are that you actually think you’re like them. I can see it and I can smell it in you. But you’re a werewolf and nothing you think will change that. Nothing you do will change that, especially not learning a few magic tricks. You’re a killer. You were made to kill. Have you, Lupin?”

Remus was silent. He thought back to the when the Death Eaters broke into the Order’s headquarters. He’d barely gotten to all the information in time. He had to burn some of it. And then he had to flee but all the ways were blocked by Death Eaters. He had no other choice. There had been no other option, had there?

“Ahhh, you see, not so innocent. Did you see the life drain from his eyes?” He waited for a response that did not come. “Did you?” He asked louder.

“No.”

“You will next time.” Greyback took a step back and then another one. “Oh, and Lupin.”

He gave no other warning before jumping on Remus. Caught completely off guard, Remus crashed back onto the floor. He tried to shove Greyback off of him but it was hopeless. Greyback’s weight bore down on him, crushing him. Greyback opened his mouth wide and tore into Remus’s face. Remus heard his flesh rip and felt the pain shoot across his face. The skin stretching from cheek to cheek, including that over his nose, was gone. What took its place were spurts of blood and a sharp, stinging pain. Remus cried out and shoved Greyback and this time he did move, but only of his own accord. He stood and glared down at Remus.

“If you want to live, you’ll never look me in the eyes again.” He wiped the blood from his face and then licked his fingers. “You tasted sweeter when you were a boy.”

Remus clutched his face. He sat up and tried to stand but someone put their hand on his shoulder and forced him back down.

“Not yet,” Phelan said.

“You should listen to him,” Greyback said. “You’ll live longer.” He laughed again and walked away.

“Maybe that will teach you.” Phelan did not wait for Remus to move or reply. He grasped his shoulder and jerked up, pulling Remus to his feet.

“Have to— ahh!” Talking only worsened the pain. The muscles pulled and stretched his skin. “Stop the bleeding.”

“Can’t heal that with magic, can you? I should let you bleed out. It’s what you deserve if you’re dumb enough to cross Greyback.”

“Please…”

“Don’t worry. I don’t hate you that much. Oy, you!” Phelan yelled at another werewolf. “Get some bandages will you? And herbs.” He turned back to Remus. “If I really hated you I would let Greyback take you into his pack. But you’re a bit old for his tastes, lucky for you. He likes to take the young ones and train them, show them our ways. Much like I’ll show you. Steady.”

Remus had been about to fall when Phelan put his arm around him.

Phelan leaned into Remus and lowered his voice. “I’m risking a lot on you. If you disappoint me I’ll have to kill you and I promise, it will be much more messy and painful than this little paper cut.”

\---

When Remus woke, he was lying on his pallet in his new home. He touched his face and winced. The skin hadn’t fully grown back yet. It was sore and felt raw beneath his fingertips. He traced the wound’s outline. There would be no way to hide the scar this would become.

Remus had failed his first day spectacularly. There was no way around that fact. He had promised Sirius that he would be careful. He had promised Dumbledore that he would do his best to get information and not put himself in jeopardy if he could. And yet he had just risked his life and nearly wasted all their time and effort and for what? Pride? Dignity? He didn’t know.

He missed home. He missed the Order’s headquarters. He knew where everything was there. He could make himself tea or coffee when he wanted and serve it to others if they wanted. He was not a high ranking member, or even an important one before this mission (and perhaps he still was not important), but at least he had some control over what went on there. He missed talking to Frank. As busy as Frank was he always had time for him. He would even ask how his spell work was going. He missed Lily too, so full of fire and life but even more generosity and kindness. He missed the ways James would make him laugh.

And he missed Sirius. He missed Sirius more than all of the others combined. He missed the way Sirius smiled, the curve of his lips. He missed seeing the color of his eyes, bright and eager. He missed his cavalier attitude. He even missed the cutting, sarcastic remarks Sirius made when he was angry. He would have given too much to hear them again.


	25. Chapter 25

Earning the pack’s trust had been hard. In fact, it had been nearly impossible, not to mention excruciating. Whenever anyone was frustrated they went to Remus and it was not so they could listen to his reassuring words. He was not allowed to fight back yet but he had broken that rule several days in. Half of the pack had ganged up on him and Remus knew he would not survive a beating from all of them at once. At first, he struggled not to use his magic but instinct took over. It was all primal. He had scratched them off, kicked, even bitten, and when that failed to work he had used the wandless magic he had learned.

Most of the pack had magical abilities but they were largely unused, untapped and wasted potential. They had no real way of fighting back against his magic and the fight ended in a standstill with Remus at one side, his hands crackling and glowing, and everyone else at the other side. That was when Phelan intervened. Remus could not fight back against the pack leader and he lowered his hands and knelt before him as a show of submission. He expected a harsh punishment or else a quick death but received neither. Phelan had merely kicked him and scolded him for his disobedience but at the same time he had smiled and commented that if Remus could take on most of his group at once then perhaps he had some use after all. After that, although the bullying was pervasive day after day, the vitriol and intensity of the attacks had diminished considerably.

It was possible, although he tried not to hope for it, that Remus had even earned their respect or at least some of it. But that respect did not extend outside of their circle. Even after all his preparation, Phelan had been right. Remus stood out like a sore thumb. He was the subject of ridicule and derision. He didn’t know what Dumbledore was thinking when he had hoped that Remus would gain some influence. But eventually the constant taunting ceased. Remus became tolerated, if not accepted, among the werewolves.

He had made several comments about Death Eaters when the topic had come up but had been shut down each time. Phelan ordered him not to talk and then he was forced to listen to a long list of complaints about what the wizarding society had done to werewolves. The first time, when Remus pointed out that the Death Eaters were part of wizarding society and that they were even more bigoted than the rest of them, one of the werewolves had responded violently by hitting him hard enough that he lost memory of several moments before and after the event. But in time, they tired of this and would let Remus respond. Eventually they would engage in heated debates. The werewolves as a whole may have been uneducated but that did not mean they weren’t smart.

And while he had Phelan on his side after several long discussions, unfortunately he was just one of many pack leaders, and not even the most influential. Several of them were jostling for control. It was a position that had been unnecessary in the past but with the war heating up, it was growing more and more apparent that they needed to organize themselves. Whatever headway Remus was making was nothing next to the internal struggle. Some of the leaders simply wanted to stay as far out of the conflict as possible although there were some grumbles that echoed Remus’s sentiments about the Death Eaters. But then there were some, most prominently among them Fenrir Greyback, who leaped onto the Death Eaters offer of fresh kills and a chance of revenge. It did not matter to them the kind of dogma the Death Eaters followed. It only mattered that they were reaching out a hand to them here and now and asking them to help them commit atrocities.

More and more time passed and Remus doubted he was making progress at all.

One day, Phelan pulled him aside. “Remus, this is important. I need you to do something.”

“What is it?” Remus asked.

“I don’t like it but this is over my head.” Phelan looked hard at Remus. “We’ve made an agreement with the Death Eaters.”

Remus’s mind froze and all he could think was that he’d failed but then Phelan continued.

“It’s not what you think but it’s a step in that direction. They’re providing us with the ingredients we need and as part of the bargain we’re to show them how we make our healing potions. You’re a wizard, Remus. You know their ways. You’re one of the people who’s going to show them.”

Remus stared back at Phelan, eyes narrowing. “You’d send me to my death.”

“You won’t die. I know what you are. They don’t.”

“And can I trust you won’t tell them?”

Phelan gave him a menacing grin. “You’ll have to.”

\---

Remus took a minute before the meeting to clear his mind and cleanse himself of his fears. He’d learned Occlumency for this occasion but that wouldn’t save him if they recognized him as a member of the Order.

He wasn’t going to die. He wasn’t going to leave Sirius, who would kill him if he knew what Remus was about to do.

Remus stepped into the room. Two other werewolves were already there and they glared at him for his tardiness. There were three Death Eaters as well, each of them masked. Before them was a table full of bags of ingredients and sitting on that was a cauldron.

“I don’t appreciate being kept waiting.” One of the Death Eaters, a woman, spoke.

“You didn’t have to.” Remus walked toward the table. He hoped he could remember enough from his lessons with Lily. “Let’s start.”

And then they all played the game.

\---

His meetings with the Death Eaters continued for months. Each time Remus feared he would be exposed and each time he hated himself for helping them. But he had little choice. He’d spoken with Dumbledore about it and he’d given his approval. If only the Death Eaters would remove their masks at any point, Remus would be of more help but none of them were stupid enough for that.

It was tiring work and the stress of everything wore him down. He was just settling in his bed when he saw a silver doe.

“Sirius is hurt,” the doe said in Lily’s voice. “I’m waiting for you at my house.” And then it disappeared.

Remus was immediately on his feet. He walked past his sleeping packmates. After glancing into what passed as the den of their hovel and seeing that no one was there, he hurried out.

As soon as he could, he apparated to Lily’s door and pounded on it. It was open in a moment. 

The last time Remus had seen Lily, she was thin but now her belly was large and round from her pregnancy. She did not waste any time. “Come in.” She stepped back to allow Remus inside and shut the door behind him. In the light Remus could see just how pale she was.

“How is he?” Remus asked as soon as he was in the home. “What happened?”

“James and Sirius were attacked. James was hurt but he’s all right. Sirius— he’s alive but—” Her face softened. “It’s not good. He lost a lot of blood.” She held out James’s invisibility cloak. “Put this on. I’ll explain more when we get to the hospital.”

Remus wrapped the cloak around his shoulders and raised the hood over his head. He had seen James disappear under this cloak only a handful of times and as odd as that had been it was stranger still to be the one disappearing.

“Will he make it?” Remus asked. He didn’t know how his heart could beat so fast inside his chest and still feel as if it had frozen.

Lily paused. “Sirius is a fighter. If anyone can he will.”

But Remus had seen the doubt in her eyes. Worse, he saw the image of the hospital, where she had left James. Her husband had been pale and subdued and not only his robes but his hands had been stained with blood. Sirius’s blood.

Remus stopped peering into her memories too late. Why he thought it was acceptable to begin with he didn’t know. He had relied on it for his survival for too long it had become a habit.

“He’s at--”

“St. Mungo’s,” Remus said. “I know where it is. I’ll go.” He couldn’t wait any longer but apparated there immediately. He had to make himself wait for Lily but not for long. There was a crack and she was there beside him.

“I’m here.” He whispered.

Lily nodded and led the way inside. Several people sat waiting to be treated but after evaluating the danger they posed (negligible to none), Remus didn’t pay them any attention, no matter how monstrous their condition. The people at the desk must have been expecting Lily as they waved her back into one of the private waiting rooms where James was seated, hunched over himself and shaking. His hands were clean but his robes were still covered in blood. He looked up when they entered.

“Lily.” He stood and embraced her. “They haven’t told me anything.” James glanced toward the door, looking for Remus, no doubt. Remus nudged him to make him aware of his presence.

“Tell me again what happened,” Lily said, taking a seat. James joined her but Remus remained standing.

“I can’t give specifics,” James said quietly. “We were on a mission. They found us. There weren’t too many of them but it was an even match. Sn- a Death Eater.” He caught himself too late and Lily stiffened. “Aimed a curse at me. I should have been paying more attention. It would have hit me if Sirius hadn’t…” He glanced at the door, looking for any sign a mediwizard would come to update him. He sighed. “He pushed me aside. The curse hit him instead. I shielded us and apparated here. Splinched myself. That was the worst of my injuries. They healed me in minutes but Sirius… I’m sorry.”

At that moment Remus was grateful that he needed to stay concealed. It excused his silence.

Lily rubbed James’s back. “He’ll be all right.”

Remus couldn’t say how long they waited until a mediwizard came back to speak with them.

“You’re friends of Sirius Black?” The woman asked.

Remus did not recognize her by sight. No, when he had met her that frizzy blond hair was pulled back and her fine features had been covered by a mask. What he recognized was her voice. She was one of the Death Eaters he’d been meeting with for months. But he had no choice but to follow her as she lead them back to Sirius’s room.

“He should make a full recovery but he’ll have to stay here for at least a few days,” she said as they walked. Finally, they stopped outside a door. “He’s in here.”

Remus was the last to enter and had barely been able to slip inside without bumping into the Death Eater. As soon as that threat had been dodged, Remus looked at the only person that concerned him.

Sirius lay on a bed close to the corner of the small room. He was almost as pale as the white walls. There were bandages wrapped along his right arm and there must have been several on his chest as one stretched up from beneath his robe to his collarbone. His eyes were shut and his face set. Remus recognized the look on his face. He had the same one every full moon when the pain was almost unbearable but he was trying not to show. Sirius didn’t move or show any sign that he’d heard them enter.

“Sirius?” James didn’t wait for the response. He turned to the mediwizard. “Are you giving him something for the pain?”

“Of course.”

_Liar._ Remus thought, looking into her eyes. She hadn’t given Sirius anything for it. She may even have been the reason it had taken so long to stabilize him.

“It’s obviously not enough. It--”

Hearing James, Sirius slowly opened his eyes. “I’m fine,” he said faintly.

Remus had taken a step forward before he could stop himself. He glanced back at the mediwizard. His hand clenched over his wand.

James smiled at the sound of Sirius’s voice. “You’re a terrible liar,” he said and walked over to his friend. “And an idiot.”

“You’re welcome.”

Lily cleared her throat. “Could we have some time to ourselves?”

“Oh, yes.” The mediwizard replied, stepping out of the room and closing the door.

Remus didn’t move yet. He was listening to make sure the mediwizard had really left.

“It should be safe now,” Lily said.

Remus moved so he could whisper in her ear. “The mediwizard is a Death Eater. Check for enchantments.”

Lily turned to Remus, confused, but took out her wand and cast several spells to determine if they were being spied on.

“What’s going on?” James asked.

“It’s clear.” Lily replied.

Remus still had his reservations but he needed to act fast. And he needed to touch his lover. He watched Sirius as he lowered the hood of the invisibility cloak and took it off his shoulders.

Sirius’s eyes went wide and he tried to sit up. He flinched briefly at the pain it must have caused him. “Remus?”

Remus grinned the first time in months. Unable to say anything, he walked to Sirius’s side.

When Remus got within reach and leaned over him, Sirius touched his face. “What happened?”

“ I can ask you the same thing.” He took Sirius’s hand. “It looks worse than it was.” Seeing Sirius after so long was too much. Remus couldn’t stop smiling even as he felt like he might cry.

“Remus, I’m sorry.” Lily interrupted. “But you said the mediwizard is a Death Eater?”

“What?” Again Sirius tried to sit up but Remus laid a hand over his good shoulder to push him back down.

“Yes. I recognize her. We have to get Sirius out of here as soon as possible.”

James and Lily shared a worried glance. Remus knew what they were thinking. There was no way Sirius would be released sooner than a few days.

“At the very least someone has to stay with him.” Remus continued.

“I’m right here.” Sirius muttered.

“We know you are,” James said but he was looking at Remus. He paused for a moment, eyes darting back and forth as he thought. “Lily and I will work this out. Talk to him.”

Remus turned to Sirius. He had faith that James and Lily would think of something. And it had been so long since he’d seen Sirius…

He pointed a wand at one of the chairs to pull it closer so he could sit. “Don’t even think of this as encouragement for you to do this again.”

“There’s a thought.” Sirius gave him a small smile.

“Sirius—”

“Joking.” Sirius’s eyes moved over Remus’s face, or rather his scar. “How—”

“It’s not important.” Remus brushed his fingers against Sirius’s cheek. “I’ll tell you later.” He stared into Sirius’s eyes. He didn’t have to guard his thoughts or probe Sirius’s. He could feel his love.

“When are you going to kiss me?” Sirius asked.

“Now.” Remus replied and did just that. He kept the kiss gentle. Sirius moved under him and as soon as he did, he exhaled sharply. Remus pulled away quickly.

Sirius was still wincing. “Fine. Fine. I’m fine.”

_You’re not,_ Remus wanted to say. _You idiot, you’re not. How could you be so foolish?_ But if Sirius hadn’t acted it would be James here and he probably wouldn’t be alive.

“Focus on me,” Remus said quietly. “What have you been doing?”

“Keeping James from going mad.” The muscles in Sirius’s face were still tense but he took a deep breath and opened his eyes. “Missing you.”

Remus could feel the knife twisting. “I’ve missed you too.”

“How long are you staying?”

How many times had Remus asked himself that? “Until I know you’re safe.”

Sirius’s face fell.

“I’ll stay as long as I can.”

“Remus?” Lily interrupted. Her voice was even gentler than usual. “I need to talk to the mediwizards.”

“Just a moment.” Remus pressed his lips against Sirius’s in what he meant to be a quick kiss but lasted significantly longer. “I’m not going anywhere yet,” he said and put on the invisibility cloak.

“Sirius,” James said, stepping forward. “If all goes well they’ll let you go but only if you insist on leaving and you’re going to have to stand. I’ll help you walk out. Can you do that? Honestly.”

“Yes,” Sirius said after a pause. “I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“We’ll figure something out but—” James’s face hardened with resolve. “We can do this,” he said as Lily left.

“We will.” Sirius stared in Remus’s direction though he wasn’t looking directly at him, until the footsteps were right outside the door.

The same mediwizard looked at them skeptically. “You want to be released tonight?”

“I can walk,” Sirius said. And, to prove it, he lifted himself up into a sitting position and pushed himself up off the bed. He landed on unsteady feet, wincing, but still managed to stand.

“Lie back down.”

Sirius’s jaw clenched as he walked over to the mediwizard despite the order. “As you can see,” he said although his face had paled significantly. “I’m fine. And I have business to take care of early tomorrow morning.”

“You’ll have to delay it.”

“No, I can decide when to leave. You can’t force me to stay.”

The mediwizard smiled not sympathetically. “We can.”

“He’ll be staying with us.” James interjected. “We’ll take care of him and we almost have our own hospital’s worth of potions at home.”

The mediwizard paused. “As you wish. I’ll get the paperwork.” She turned to leave, then looked over her shoulder. “But I’d advise sitting down.”

As soon as she was gone, Remus stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Sirius to support him. James had the same idea and they bumped into each other.

“Ow!” James rubbed his shoulder.

“I’ve got him,” Remus said. “Come on. Sit.”

“No--” Sirius began.

“Sirius, sit.”

Remus guided him to the bed and sat down beside him, pressing a kiss to his cheek every now and then as they waited for him to be discharged.

\---

They apparated Sirius back to the Potters’ home and even with the support of both James and Remus, who let the invisibility cloak crumple to the floor as soon as they were inside, Sirius still staggered.

The moment they reached the guest bed Sirius collapsed onto it. Remus was tempted to follow.

“Let me see those wounds,” he said.

One corner of Sirius’s mouth quirked up. “Trying to get me naked?”

Remus smiled but was too tired to laugh.

James was the one who responded. “Don’t try anything until Lily and I are out of the room.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Remus said. He slowly pulled Sirius’s robes over his head. Sirius winced at times but remained silent. The gashes were all over his once flawless body. Remus peeled away the bandages, examining the injuries one by one.

“Good,” he said finally. “They’re all better than anything I can do.” He turned to James and Lily. “Once he has something for the pain he should be fine for the night.”

“We don’t have anything strong enough.” James admitted.

“My house,” Sirius said weakly. “Bathroom counter.”

“I’ll get it. Lily, you should get some rest.”

“If I can.”

Remus was sure that Lily could. There were heavy lines under her eyes. As exhausted as Remus was, she had to be even more so but she still smiled at him.

“Are you going to stay the night?” She asked.

Remus felt all eyes on him, particularly Sirius’s. “...I should be back before dawn.” Which was only a few hours away. Remus had turned so he wouldn’t see Sirius’s reaction.

Lily hugged him as best as she could what with her large stomach. “I wish we had time to talk.”

“So do I. Take care of yourself— and the baby.”

“I will. Be careful, Remus.” Her eyes drifted to his scars. When she finished saying goodbye, Lily gave James a short but passionate kiss goodnight. They whispered something to each other. Remus had no desire to hear it.

When Lily left, James looked at Remus. “I’ll be back in a few minutes with the medicine.”

“Thanks.” Sirius’s voice was uncharacteristically flat.

James walked to the door. “And when I say I’ll be back in a few minutes I mean a few minutes. I don’t want to walk in on anything.”

Sirius’s face remained blank. James gave them both an apologetic smile before leaving.

There was just enough room on that side of the bed for Remus to sit. “I wish I could stay longer,” he said.

“…I know,” Sirius said quietly. He reached for Remus’s hand and clasped it. “Will you be in trouble?”

“Not if I time it right. And if I am I’ll talk my way out of it.” Remus swept a lock of black hair out of Sirius’s face. He could see the questions swirling in Sirius’s mind even without using Occlumency. How did Remus get the scar? How did he know the mediwizard was a Death Eater? Was he all right? How were the full moons?

“If I tell you what happened will you tell me?” Sirius asked.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

He sighed. “It’s a complicated story. We don’t have long and you must be tired.”

“So hurry up.”

Remus stared at Sirius in silence for a moment. He could see he wasn’t getting away from this. Sirius was right. It was better to get it over with so he did although his voice was halting. “It was my first day. I met with my leader and… the werewolf who bit me.” Remus saw Sirius’s eyes widen and he looked away. “Fenrir Greyback. He is— well, I understand now why the stereotypes about us are so strong. I didn’t show him the proper ‘respect’ and…” Remus touched his face. “It was a foolish mistake. It won’t happen again.”

Remus was amazed that Sirius’s grasp on his hand could be so tight considering the circumstances. Remus squeezed his hand back.

“I have friends now,” he said, which was an exaggeration at best. “My pack will look out for me.” That was true. He hoped. “You shouldn’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you,” Sirius said softly, his hold on Remus’s hand easing. “I always have.”

Remus didn’t reply right away. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can.” But it wasn’t enough for him. “There’s more to that story,” Sirius said.

“…Not exactly. There’s more to the story of how I was bitten than I knew and I’d rather not talk about it yet. So now it’s your turn.”

“The Death Eaters knew where we were,” Sirius said after a moment’s pause. “I don’t know how. I think--” Sirius didn’t finish that sentence. Remus knew what he was thinking. Someone in the Order was leaking information. Maybe now they would believe it wasn’t Remus.

Sirius shook his head and rested it back against his pillow. “You’re not the only one who can recognize people’s voices. I know who one of the Death Eaters was. Snape. We knew him at Hogwarts. Greasy bastard up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts. He hates me as much as I hate him but he hates James even more. Maybe because he used to be friends with Lily. I knew the moment I heard his voice he’d go after James. James was busy fighting off another Death Eater and left himself open. I had to do something.”

“You could have died.”

“I didn’t.” Sirius stared at Remus intently. “You’re not actually angry with me for saving James’s life?”

“I’m not.” But if given the choice between Sirius’s life and James’s he knew who he would choose without a second thought.

Sirius sighed. The deep breath made him wince. Remus smoothed his hair down, fingers ran through dark locks.

“I’m not angry. I love you.”

“At least now you know how I feel.” Sirius mumbled weakly but the resentment was clear in his voice.

“If you think I haven’t worried about you every second I’ve been away, you’re mistaken.” Remus forced his voice to stay even and calm.

Sirius reached up to hold his hand. His breathing was still harsh and uneven as he struggled through the pain. “Why do you have to leave?” He asked and instead of frustrated he sounded only lost and alone. It broke Remus’s heart.

His fingers trailed down Sirius’s face. “You know why. I have to do this.”

Sirius turned to the touch. “And I had to save James.” His breath fell across Remus’s hand as he turned to kiss it. “Be careful.”

“I’m careful, Sirius. More careful than you are.” The words left his throat before he could stop himself but Sirius never got a chance to reply.

There was movement outside the room. Remus instinctively reached for his wand but relaxed when he realized it was James returning. The door to the room opened and sure enough, there was James holding up a vial.

“I brought a present,” he said lightly. “The get well soon card will have to wait.” He handed the vial to Remus, who recognized it as one of the potions Sirius would give him the morning after particularly bad full moons.

“One sip of this should do.” But Remus hesitated before giving it to Sirius. The potion also doubled as a powerful sedative. Sirius would fall asleep soon after taking it. But he needed rest and Remus needed to stop being selfish.

He looked at James. “Can you give us a moment?”

James nodded. “I’ll be in the living room. If you’re ready to leave and I’m asleep, wake me up. I’ll need to lock the door behind you.”

“Alright.”

When James left and the door behind him closed, Remus held out the potion. Sirius shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Sirius.”

The threat of being taken by sleep had rallied Sirius, if only for the time being. He seemed to be forcing down his pain. What remained of his focus he turned solely on his lover. “I want to know more. How are you? Honestly.”

“I’m fine, Sirius.”

Sirius’s eyes strayed from Remus’s to the scar across his face.

“That happened the first day,” Remus said before Sirius could comment. “Nothing else has happened since.” Nothing too severe.

“And the full moon?”

Remus paused. “They’re better than I ever remember them.” But he woke every morning terrified he’d bitten someone.

“You’re not lying?”

“I’m not. Now will you take this?”

Still, Sirius protested. “I don’t want to waste time.”

“Sirius, you’re in agony. Don’t bother hiding it.” Remus could see it in the tension of Sirius’s face and hear it in his voice.

“It could be months before I see you again.” He raised his voice and spoke with an urgency Remus felt rather than heard.

He knew that he might never see Sirius again. He also knew he couldn’t let him suffer.

“I promise I won’t make you wait that long.”

“Remus…”

“We can talk until you fall asleep in my arms.”

Sirius stopped his protests. Remus held the vial to Sirius’s lips and tipped it forward. Sirius didn’t need much and fortunately he didn’t resist. Remus set the vial away on the nightstand.

“You never told me how terrible it tastes,” Sirius said, making a face.

“All the potions taste terrible.” Remus lay down beside Sirius. Carefully, he pulled him closer. Sirius tried to put his arm around Remus in return but he hissed in pain.

“Let me hold you,” Remus said softly, leaning in to kiss Sirius, who parted his lips and leaned in as much as he was able. That lasted for several long moments until he could feel Sirius beginning to relax. Sirius rested his head against the werewolf’s chest.

“I missed you.” Sirius’s voice was faint and unfocused.

“I missed you too.” Remus ran his hand through Sirius’s hair. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

“Then don’t leave.”

Remus’s throat tightened. “Sirius—”

“Stay, please.” His voice was soft, begging.

“I can’t.” The words barely escaped his mouth.

“A few days. Stay for a few days. I stayed for you every full—”

Remus suddenly found his voice. “ _Don’t._ ” In spite of what he’d said earlier, all he could think of now was getting away— away from the packs, away from the Order, away even from Sirius and all his responsibilities before they tore him apart. Whatever strength his voice had found failed. “I can’t,” he said softly. “I’d give anything to— I love you— but I can’t.”

Sirius was silent.

Remus guided Sirius’s head to rest upon his own shoulder. “I’ll come back to you.”

“I’ll be… waiting…” Sirius murmured. Within moments his breathing evened out and deepened. Remus couldn’t see his eyes but they knew that they were closed. Sirius’s arms were wrapped loosely about Remus’s body.

Remus placed his hand around the back of Sirius’s head, cradling him and keeping him steady as he drew back to kiss his crown. “I know.”

\---

The sun was rising by the time Remus slipped away. Sirius slept soundly, even when Remus slid away from him. He didn’t so much as frown, simply lay there where Remus had placed him, unaware even of the sudden cold where Remus’s body had been.

James was resting on the couch when Remus walked into the living room. He hesitated. The color had returned to James’s cheeks but he still looked worn. After everything he’d been through, he deserved his rest. Granting him a few moments longer, Remus searched for and found a piece of parchment and a quill. He sat down on the kitchen table and wrote out a letter by the light of dawn. When he was done, he folded it and wrote a single name. Sirius.

He walked over to his friend and laid a hand on his shoulder. “James.”

James’s eyes flickered open. He started, then relaxed. “Remus.” He stretched while Remus drew back.

“It’s time?” James asked after glancing at the sunlight filtering through the window.

“Sirius is still sleeping. I can’t stay any longer.” Remus held out the letter. “Give this to him when he wakes up?”

James took the letter. “Of course.” He looked into Remus’s eyes. “Are you sure you want to go?”

“No,” he said. “But I need to.”

James nodded and stood. He started walking for the door then stopped and turned around, pulling Remus into a quick hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too. And take care of Lily and Sirius.”

“That last one will be a handful.”

Remus tried to smile.

“It’ll kill him if you don’t return.” James continued.

“I will as long as I have someone to come back to,” Remus said.

The sun rose higher in the sky as Remus left but within his heart it was setting.


	26. Chapter 26

The fights for dominance had been fierce and usually vocal but at times it devolved into actual physical fights. But they had always held back from killing each other until one of the leaders had said something that Fenrir Greyback took quite personally. The fight occurred in front of a large crowd of the werewolves, some of them looking eagerly and some anxiously. Remus had to fight to be able to get a good view and he would later wish that he had not. Greyback held nothing back this time. The moment the chance presented itself, he ripped out his opponent’s throat, then reached inside and pulled out his esophagus. Remus could hear the ripping sound it made even from where he was.

Greyback held up the torn flesh like a trophy before letting it drop to the floor. His opponent stared at him dumbly, unable to scream in pain, before also falling to the floor. With his death, Greyback had made a bolder, more effective statement than words ever could. He was in charge and either you would submit or you would die. Remus knew what would happen. It was all over now. They would go over to the Death Eaters and they would do it soon.

He was not set to meet with Dumbledore for more than a month but he had to speak with him as soon as possible. He took the first opportunity to sneak out and apparate to headquarters. Dumbledore would recognize the importance of the situation once he was contacted and come as soon as he could, that night if possible. If not, then they would arrange another time to speak soon. Remus was grateful to feel fresh air again but somehow he could still smell the blood spurting from the pack leader’s torn throat.

Every muscle in his body ached but it was still several blocks to headquarters. Assuming it was still standing. It had been several months and he’d had no contact with Dumbledore. For all he knew, headquarters could have been burned down. For all he knew he was walking into a trap.

“You’re getting paranoid, Remus.” He muttered to himself. “Just like Moody.” But Moody was right. Being paranoid kept you on edge, kept you careful. And more importantly, being paranoid kept you alive. But in this case there was nothing else he could do. There was nowhere else to go. Besides, if something had happened, Remus was sure that Dumbledore would have found a way to contact him.

He turned the corner. The house was still there, just the same as he remembered it. So it hadn’t burned down. Time to find out if his other fear was true. Remus knocked on the door. He waited for nearly a minute before Moody answered him.

“Remus Lupin.” His growl was harsh but familiar and welcoming, or at least so it seemed to Remus. It had been so long that Moody could probably tell him to burn in hell and Remus would still find his voice comforting.

“Been a long time.” Moody muttered and backed away to let Remus enter.

“It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise, Lupin.” Moody closed the door behind them.

“Are you staying here now?” Remus made an effort to sound pleasant but it did not work. Even to his own ears he sounded tired.

“Yeah, the Death Eaters got my house. They’re lucky I wasn’t there or I’d have skinned them alive. Best head for the kitchen, Remus. Better put some meat on you.”

“Oh no, that would only make me a more attractive target.” Remus smiled but obeyed and he headed for the kitchen.

“You should know you’re not the only guest.” Moody hobbled after him.

“Really? Who—” Remus opened the door to the kitchen and froze. Looking back at him, just getting up from his seat, was Sirius Black.

“Black’s staying here until we find him another home. Second one he’s gone through.”

“Second?” Remus started, unable to tear his eyes from Sirius.

Sirius was thinner and more ragged looking than he had been since the last time Remus saw him. His hair was longer too but it fell just as elegantly as before. In fact, Sirius Black still looked like a god though Remus had to concede that his opinion was biased. He could only imagine how he himself looked in contrast.

“Remus!” Sirius stared at Remus as though he was about to disappear at any moment. “You’re— you’re here.”

Remus suspected he was grinning uncontrollably but he was less interested in his own body at the moment. “Very astute, Mr. Black.”

Sirius practically ran to his lover and held him tight. Remus clung back.

“Merlin, I missed you.” Sirius whispered in Remus’s ear.

“I missed you too.” Remus replied just as softly.

Moody cleared his throat.

Remus was fairly sure his face was pink when he pulled away and Sirius reluctantly let go of him. So much for being discreet.

He turned to Moody. “Is Dumbledore here?”

“Not yet. Why? Is there trouble?”

“No,” Remus could not stand any longer and he took a seat at the table. “At least not yet. As for the future, I can’t say.”

“What is it?” Sirius had quickly taken a seat next to Remus. He leaned closer. “What’s going on? I haven’t heard anything about—”

“And with good reason, Black,” Moody said sharply.

Remus put his head in his hands, running his fingers over the uneven skin on his face for a moment before pulling back and looking at Moody. “It doesn’t matter. He can know.”

“You won’t say that if he’s caught.” Moody growled.

“It doesn’t matter.” Remus repeated. He turned to Sirius, then looked away when he realized he could not tell this news looking him in the eye. “There are several packs fighting for dominance over the broader community. Fenrir Greyback, who is on the best terms with Voldemort, killed one of the other pack leaders. It was a grisly scene.” He would have nightmares for weeks at least. “It had some effect on the others.” He sighed and glanced at Moody. “Are there any drinks here?”

“Yeah,” Moody said gruffly, stumping to the kitchen. “I’ll get ‘em.”

The moment Moody’s back was turned, Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand, either not remembering about the Auror’s magical eye or not caring.

“It’s all right.” Remus placed his other hand on top of Sirius’s. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Tell me not to get into trouble. I’m more likely to listen to that.” Sirius’s eyes remained fixed on Remus, wide and searching.

“Well, you shouldn’t,” Remus said reproachfully. “Is that why you’re here?”

“No.” Sirius looked away and shook his head. “I went into hiding because-- Lily had her baby. A boy, Harry, but Voldemort-- he’s after him. I can’t go into it but we had to use the Fidelius Charm to protect them. I’m the Secret Keeper.”

Remus’s heart sank. Followed by that news, he couldn’t even be happy about Harry because now the Death Eaters were not only after Sirius even more than before, but they were also looking for two of his best friends and their son.

“Did you stay in your safe house?”

“I was good. I was bored— and lonely, so—” There was a noise from the back and Sirius broke off, waiting to see if Moody would return. When he did not, Sirius continued. “Then, almost a week ago, in the middle of the night a pack of Death Eaters burst down the door. I barely got out. Still don’t know what exactly happened or how they found me.”

They heard Moody walking back and Sirius swore. They both moved away from each other. Their hands went back to their laps, at least at first. A few seconds before Moody reappeared Sirius had reached beneath the table and taken Remus’s hand, squeezing lightly. Remus squeezed back.

“Here you are.”

“Thanks.” Remus had to let go of Sirius to take the bottle of firewhiskey.

“Since the two of you are here I’m going to take care of some business. Don’t blow up the house while I’m gone.” Moody stumped for the door. “And for Merlin’s sake, if you break any of the furniture at least have the decency to put it back together again.”

“Will do, Moody.” Sirius failed to sound as disinterested as he meant to.

In the time it took for Moody to leave, Remus poured himself a glass of firewhiskey. The moment Moody was gone it was knocked over when both Remus and Sirius bolted out of their chairs. It was all instinct. There was no thought involved beyond _yes_ and _want_ and _need_ and _now._

Sirius’s lips were on Remus’s. His hands moved under Remus’s shirt and across his chest. Remus dug his fingers through Sirius’s long, smooth hair. After so long apart from each other, Remus was so lost in the feeling of Sirius against him that he hadn’t noticed they were moving backwards until Sirius had him pressed against the wall.

“Oh, I missed you.” Sirius moaned as he kissed down Remus’s neck and back up.

Remus thrust his hips against Sirius in response. “I know.” He bucked forward again.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Sirius moved onto nibbling Remus’s ear. “I thought— ah!” He rolled his hips back against Remus’s. “I thought about you all the time. All the time.”

“Oh Merlin, me too.” Remus moaned. He turned and found Sirius’s lips. He kissed him until his lungs burned, unable to stay calm enough to breathe when his tongue was brushing against Sirius’s.

“I don’t ever want to be away from you,” Sirius said. “Never again.”

Remus whimpered. He wanted to agree. He wanted to promise they’d never be apart again, that wherever Sirius went Remus would follow and they would never spend another night alone but it would be a lie. And then Sirius’s teeth brushed against his throat.

Remus was not entirely sure what happened. His mind was operating on a 5 second delay. The moment he was aware of shoving Sirius away, in reality his body was pinning Sirius to the table. When he was finally aware of pinning Sirius, he was really ripping off the man’s robes.

“Oh _fuck._ ”

Remus did not hear him. The only words he heard were _now, take him now. Claim, mine. Mine._

“Mine.” Remus growled against Sirius’s throat.

“Yours.” Sirius agreed. “All yours.”

Remus almost tore his own robes in the hurry to remove them. He pressed against Sirius, grinding their cocks together. He licked, kissed, and sucked on Sirius’s neck. His canines grazed Sirius’s flesh. He did not bite but that was the only act of restraint Remus showed. The sex was not tender, loving, or even desperate. It was primal.

“Sirius.” He breathed, unaware that he was speaking-- unaware of anything that was not his lover.

“I love you.” Sirius moaned, finally finding a frenetic, hard rhythm as he moved against Remus. “I love you.” He ran his hands through his lover’s hair. “I’m yours. I’m all yours.”

Remus silenced him with a kiss full of the passion he had spent months repressing. Months spent trying hard not to as much as think about Sirius but always failing. There was always something that would remind him of Sirius. Sometimes it was not anything at all and it was just a stray thought, wondering how Sirius was, remembering the pure black color of his hair, the way he smiled… missing the feeling of their bodies melting together and joining in bursts of thrilling and complete pleasure.

The friction between them was unbearable. It was enough to send them both into gasps of pleasure but not enough to do more.

“I need you.” Remus panted. He cupped Sirius’s ass, then probed inside with his fingers.

Sirius tensed. “Wait. We need—”

“Lube.” Remus fumbled for his wand.

Under normal circumstances they wouldn’t have to resort to this spell but there was nothing available and desperate times called for the absence of the lube designed to enhance pleasure. Then again, this would be enjoyable enough.

Remus coated his fingers in the conjured lubricant and set to work quickly preparing Sirius. As he touched the man he stroked himself, slowly, trying to placate his own urges.

“Can’t wait,” he said finally, lifting Sirius and angling him just right. “I can’t wait any longer.”

“Don’t st—”

But Remus hadn’t waited for a response before plunging inside him. Sirius broke off into a cry of pain that pulled Remus briefly and partially back into reality and he managed to restrain himself from lunging again. He looked at Sirius’s face. His muscles were stretched tight but he had opened his eyes. He’d noticed Remus’s pause and seen his stare.

“Don’t stop. Keep going.” He did not sound in pain, although he must have been. He sounded more eager.

Remus tried to hold back at first. Sirius was still adjusting although he tried to hide it. But in between his cries he always repeated the same encouragement. “Keep going. Don’t stop. Merlin, don’t stop.” And Remus did not. He filled Sirius again and again, savoring every moment, marking the fiber of Sirius’s being as Remus’s and no other’s. His, his, his.

He could not hold back any longer. The feelings building up inside him were too raw. He couldn’t control it, could not even fight it. He had to ride it out and Sirius let him. Any cries now weren’t from pain but from a deep, secret need that could be no longer be hidden or denied.

“Need you,” Remus said. “I need you.”

“Yes.” Sirius sighed, moving in time with Remus. Whatever pain he might have been in was unnoticed. “I need you, Remus. I need this. I need this so much. I missed this. I missed you. Oh, fuck.”

Sirius came in Remus’s hand. Remus was not far behind. Hearing and feeling his lover coming broke all the tension inside of him. Everything had been building up to now, all the stress and pain and sacrifice. All the restraint was blown away. Every muscle in Remus’s body tensed and he cried out in what would surely be felt, if not heard, in every room of the house.

Remus sank over his lover, completely spent. His mind had not yet caught up with him. He was sure when it did that all the old feelings of guilt and shame would return. But for now he let Sirius stroke his hands over neck, chest, and shoulders. He let Sirius glide his hands down his spine, coming to rest at the small of his back. Sirius kissed him tenderly and lovingly. Remus returned both the kiss and the feelings.

“I love you,” Sirius said.

“I love you.” Remus whispered back, lightly sucking and kissing Sirius’s neck.

It was not a reluctant admission for either of them. Months spent apart had only proved how deep their feelings ran. They could not be contained or denied, only accepted. Those three words were longed for. They had been heard too many times in dreams, clung to and cherished only to be lost upon waking. Those three words brushed away months of worrying, longing, and loving in secret.

“Don’t leave again.” Sirius pleaded softly. “Stay with me.”

“Sirius…” Remus pushed himself up so he could look Sirius in the eye. He searched his mind for a response and then… And then everything hit him. He shoved himself off of the table and away from Sirius. He stumbled onto his feet. “Sirius…” He said again but the tenderness in his voice was gone this time. He was horrified.

For several moments Sirius looked confused, his mind too dulled from sex to process the sudden change in Remus’s mood. Then he understood. “Remus, don’t. I loved it. I asked you to—” He slowly sat up on the table, wincing from the effort. “Remus, look at me.”

But Remus could not. He tried to appear busy getting his robes back on but halfway through that he groaned as he remembered one important detail. “Oh Merlin, I ruined your clothes.”

Sirius frowned and picked at his robes. It seemed that he too had forgotten that until Remus mentioned it. “I have others. It was worth every moment.”

“Don’t. Don’t say that Sirius, don’t.” Remus turned his back to Sirius and put his hands over his face. Every moment had been beautiful. No, no it had been terrible. It had been ugly and animalistic and brutal. And yes, he had loved it but that did not make it right. That made it worse.

“Sirius—” Remus tried to back away from Sirius but he caught up and took Remus’s hand, linking them together.

“Don’t apologize. I don’t regret a moment of it.”

“That’s not it. I never should have lost control. I never have before, not like that and I never should have—”

“Stop, you’re not listening to me. I loved it. I—”

“No, you’re not listening to me!” Remus snapped. “I told you. I can’t lose control like that. It’s not safe. I’m not safe.”

Sirius stared at him. “That’s a lie. I trust you with my life.”

Remus looked away. “You shouldn’t.” He knew he would never hurt Sirius willingly but that was not what scared him.

“That’s too bad because I do,” Sirius said shortly. He sighed and brushed his hand against Remus’s cheek. “Remus, I don’t know what happened while you were gone but it doesn’t change how I feel and it doesn’t change who you are inside. Whatever you’ve done you did for a reason. You did it because you had to. And whatever lies they’ve been feeding to you about who you are or what you are it’s not true. You’re a person just like me.”

Remus shook his head. “N—”

“Just.” Sirius repeated, staring into Remus’s eyes. “Like me. And nothing, _nothing_ is going to change how I feel about you.”

Remus was quiet for a while. He’d spent months longing to stare into those sharp grey eyes. Now that he was, he wanted to look away.

“Did you practice saying that?” He asked quietly.

“A little in my head.” Sirius admitted. “I can guess at what it’s like over there.”

Remus shook his head again.

“I love you.” Sirius took Remus’s face in his hand and kissed his cheek. “I love you. I don’t care how long it’s been or what’s happened. I can’t think of anyone else.”

Remus’s breath caught in his throat. Hadn’t that been one of his worries while he was with the packs? The greatest one was that Sirius would die but another, one he didn’t want to recognize, was that Sirius would have found someone else.

Remus finally looked into Sirius’s eyes. He wasn’t lying.

“I can’t either,” Remus said. “Sirius, I love you.”

Sirius brushed his fingers over Remus’s cheeks. “Then don’t worry about being with me.”

Remus bit his lip to stop himself from protesting.

“Trust me,” Sirius said. He pressed their foreheads together.

Remus nodded. This time when he kissed Sirius it was tender.

\---

Remus nearly melted into the bed. There was nothing quite so relaxing as mind blowing sex and he had no strength to stay awake any longer. Sirius, having spent almost a week stuck in the headquarters and even longer hiding in a secluded home, was not nearly as tired. He looped his arm around Remus’s waist and kissed up Remus’s shoulder to his neck and then his ear.

“I love you.” He whispered.

Oh, more than anything else Remus missed hearing Sirius speak those three words. “I love you too.” Well, that was what he meant to say. His reply was less coherent, as close to sleep as he was.

“Don’t fall asleep on me. I’ve got to show you something.” Sirius tugged Remus onto his back.

“What stopped you before?”

“You know I can’t resist you.” Sirius kissed him and Remus did not want to push him away for this.

“It can’t wait for tomorrow?” Remus still sounded bleary but he was growing more alert.

“No, it can’t.”

Remus sighed. Knowing Sirius, it very well _could_ wait until morning but he would never stop whining and then Remus wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. “Alright but only if you’ll let me sleep after.”

Sirius smirked and sat back. In the next moment he was gone and replaced with an enormous black dog. Remus could swear it was smirking in exactly the same way.

Suddenly Remus’s exhaustion did not matter half as much. He sat up, unaware that his jaw had dropped open. “You did it.”

The dog-- Sirius-- barked once before changing back. The smirk was replaced with the widest grin Remus had ever seen on Sirius’s face.

“I did it,” he said.

“I didn’t know you were still trying,” Remus said, still looking just as stunned as the moment Sirius transformed.

“If anything I worked harder. All that time locked in that house on my own was driving me mad. And every full moon I kept...” His expression softened. “I kept thinking about you, wondering how you were, wishing I could be there and,” he leaned closer to Remus, “now I can.”

Remus knew where Sirius was going with this. He felt sick. “Sirius, don’t—”

“Remus,” Sirius took his hand. “I know it’s not safe but nowhere is now, especially not where you are. And if we’re together we double our chances of surviving any attack.”

“Sirius, don’t ask me this.” Remus begged.

But Sirius continued. “I can’t be alone anymore. I don’t know how you managed for all this time. I need you, please—”

Remus tried to pull his hands out of Sirius’s. “Please don’t ask. I don’t know if I can say no.”

Sirius pressed his face against Remus’s, bumping their noses together. “Remus, come with me. Dumbledore can deal with everything. You’ve done more than enough. You’ve given so much. It’s time for you to get something back in return. Please…” Sirius’s grasp on Remus’s hands tightened. “I can’t make it another night without you.”

Remus did not know if he could speak. He felt like something had broken inside of him, something he was not sure he could fix. His heart and soul screamed at him so say yes but in his mind he knew he could not. He’d given Dumbledore his word-- this very night when he’d spoken with him. It was true what Sirius said, he had sacrificed so much but if he walked away now it would all be for nothing. Even if he doubted the werewolves would ever come over to their side, even if he doubted that he could at least convince them not to join Voldemort’s ranks, he had to try. And Sirius… Sirius would survive.

“I…” Remus’s voice shook. “I can’t.”

Sirius looked away. The muscles in his face tightened. His previously earnest expression turned cold.

“Sirius, I want to. I can’t say how much I want to go with you.”

Sirius looked back at him. His eyes burned with a cold passion. “If you want to then come with me.”

“I told Dumbledore that I would go. I gave him my word. If I leave now I’ll have wasted everything. He’s been too generous to me and risked too much for me to leave.”

Sirius closed his eyes.

“Sirius,” Remus said desperately. “I love you. I love you beyond words. But I have to do this for everyone, including you. We’ve been over this.”

“I know,” Sirius said finally. His voice was flat. “I understand.” He opened his eyes. “I hoped…” He trailed off.

“I’m sorry.” Remus whispered. There was a long silence. Remus would have given anything to take back his words.

“Will you still stay with me?” Sirius finally asked. “Until I have to leave.”

“Yes,” Remus said without hesitation. “If you still want me.” He added after a brief pause. He’d hurt Sirius terribly by refusing to go with him twice now. It was something that needed to be done. Somehow, Remus could not believe that no matter how many times he said that to himself.

“I’ll always want you.” Sirius kissed Remus, pulled him close, and they fell asleep together.

\---

Remus was in no hurry to wake. After spending so long on the crudest of beds, crowded with a dozen others, sleeping here in a comfortable bed beside Sirius was a luxury. But he could not sleep any longer when Sirius started kissing him all over: up his neck, down his neck, down his arm. Remus could not say that it was unwelcome.

“Mmf,” was all he could manage.

“Mmf,” Sirius said back and then kissed Remus’s cheek.

Remus turned to allow Sirius to kiss his lips and he coiled his arm around Sirius’s shoulder, bringing him closer. The kiss was not rough or intense like last night had been but gentle, long, and loving.

“Sleep well?” Sirius asked when it was over.

“Amazing.” Remus responded. His eyes were still closed and he did not bother to open them so he missed Sirius’s smile.

“Me too.” Sirius lay back onto the bed but kept his arms and body around Remus. “Better than I have in a long time.”

Remus sighed in agreement. He placed his hand over Sirius’s. In a few days he would go back to the packs and he would have no restful nights. He would not wake up with his lover wrapped around him but for now he would and he’d enjoy every moment of it.

But the blissful peace had to be interrupted at some point and naturally Sirius was the one to do it after several minutes of nothing but holding each other. He apparently could not restrain himself from asking for any longer.

“Now are you going to tell me what happened?”

Still tired after last night, Remus blinked and stared at Sirius for a few moments before he realized what he was talking about. “I told you already.”

“You mean when you barely said anything and I was out of my mind with pain?”

Remus flinched at the memory. “Will you stop bothering me if I tell you?”

“Yes.”

“And then we can go back to sleeping?”

“Yes.” Although Sirius traced his hand over Remus’s chest as he said that so Remus was unsure if Sirius remembered what the definition of sleeping was. It did not matter. He would not be in the mood after this story and it was more than likely a distraction in an attempt to keep Remus’s mood from plummeting.

“My first day I was with my pack leader and he er, introduced me to Fenrir Greyback. It turns out that—” Remus paused. He had no real idea how to say this. He had enough trouble thinking about it. “Years ago my father made a comment that Greyback took offense to and he singled me out to bite.” Remus could feel that Sirius was holding his breath. “He’s taken it upon himself to turn as many people into werewolves as he can, especially when they’re young so they will grow up to be more distrustful of wizards. He has bitten all of his pack members, only a few of them are adults and they have stayed to, er, facilitate the transition to their ‘recruits’ new lives.”

“That’s…” Sirius started. “You never told me…”

“I didn’t know.” Remus said. “I thought it was a random attack and it was my fault for being foolish and putting myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had no idea.”

Remus supposed that his parents did not tell him because they were afraid he would blame them or dwell on that night over and over. And now a part of Remus did blame them though he felt terrible for feeling that way. But he was mostly hurt that they had not told them the truth. Would they ever have if they had lived? He would never know the answer.

“And he attacked you?”

“It wasn’t an attack so much as a warning,” Remus said. “I didn’t back down when I should have. I was lucky this was all he did to me.”

Sirius held Remus tighter. He buried his face against the back of his neck. Remus ran his hand over Sirius’s arm. He wanted to reassure him but he didn’t think any words would work. 

“I’m all right now,” he said finally.

“For now, you mean.” Sirius let go of Remus and pushed himself up so that he was leaning over Remus and they could look at each other. “And you still want to stay with these… these…”

“Werewolves?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“They’re not all monsters. Greyback is the worst of them.”

“And they’re going to go over to the Death Eaters and you know it. Remus, this is… this… It’s not right.”

“Nothing is. I’ve made up my mind.” Remus cupped Sirius’s cheek. “I don’t want to spend what little time we have fighting over this.”

It took a while for Sirius to steady his breathing but when he did he turned and kissed Remus’s hand. “Alright. We won’t.” But he still had that burning anger in his eyes. He lay down next to Remus again. “If I could go with you I would.”

“I know, Sirius.”

\---

The three days it took to find Sirius secure housing went by too quickly. Sirius offered to find some way to delay moving but Remus told him it would be too risky and that he needed to go back soon anyway.

Sirius did not have much to pack. Most of his belongings had been stored away in his vault. What had not been stored was lost in Death Eater raids. Whatever mementos he took were things he could keep on his person. Pictures and letters, only of people that it was well known were important to him. He could not take a picture of Remus but he did have an unsigned letter from him.

As the time neared for Sirius to leave, both Remus and Sirius grew quiet. They held each other and made love but all too soon it was time for Sirius to go. They had already said what they needed to say to each other but saying goodbye was never easy, even if you had done it many times before.

“Promise you’ll be careful,” Remus said.

“I promise.” Sirius wrapped his hands over Remus’s. “Just as long as you won’t do anything if something happens to me. The world still needs you around even if I’m not—” He didn’t finish his sentence. “Merlin, we sound like we won’t see each other again and we will. We’ll both get through this.”

“Right.” Remus nodded. “But if we don’t… I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They shared a kiss that was too brief for either of them but long enough that Moody had to call from the next room to tell them it was time. Sirius gave Remus one last smile before he turned and left.

Remus remained standing until he heard Sirius leave through the front door then he sank onto his knees. For the first time since Caradoc died, he cried.

He did not stay for long after Sirius left. There was no point. In truth, he had already been gone for too long. The others were not going to be happy with him although he had sent word that he would be gone for longer than anticipated. He was not looking forward to explaining himself to them but he had been excusing his absences for almost his whole life. Now was no different.

Phelan folded his arms when he saw Remus stepping into their home. “Where were you?”

“You got my message didn’t you?” Remus asked, trying to sound more hostile than defensive.

“Something about your mate. I don’t give a damn. We needed you.”

Remus laughed. “You need me?”

Phelan unfolded his arms, crossed the distance between them, and shoved Remus. “You’re one of us now. Don’t forget it.”

“If it was the last time you would see Sabine you would have done the same,” Remus said, stepping back to where he’d been standing.

Phelan backhanded him. “Don’t. Do it again.”

Remus glared. “It won’t happen. But if I got the chance I would do it.” He walked off before Phelan could hit him again and was surprised when his leader let him go.

\---

As Remus expected, he didn’t get the chance to see Sirius again. He was in hiding and, even if he had to move again, Remus could only be contacted in an emergency. He assumed that an emergency would include Sirius being injured or…

Remus tried not to think about that. He couldn’t afford to let himself be distracted but as the weeks stretched into months that was becoming a more difficult task.

He had just finished making his report to Dumbledore, disheartening as ever, when Dumbledore stopped him before he left.

“Remus, wait a moment.”

Remus was halfway to the door. He turned. “I have to leave. Phelan--”

Dumbledore took out a letter from his robes and slipped it towards him. “Sirius asked me to give this to you.”

Remus’s heart immediately began to race as he reached for the letter, opened it, and read it. It was long and a page fell to the floor. Remus bent to pick it up, reading as he did so.

_Remus, I love you. I miss you so much sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. I don’t know how long I can last like this._

Remus kept reading. Sirius must be in bad shape. He had poured his heart into this and, while Remus didn’t think he was deliberately trying to guilt trip him (or maybe he was), the result was the same. Each word pulled harder at Remus’s heart and he wondered which sentence would finally break it.

_I love you. When you change your mind I’ll be waiting._

_Sirius_

Those were the last words.

“Can I have a quill?”

With a wave of his wand, Dumbledore summoned a quill and inkwell. Remus placed the letter on the desk and turned the last page so it was on its back.

_Sirius, I love you. I don’t have the time to write everything I want to say. Please be patient and don’t do anything foolish, for me and for your godson. I’ll come to you when I’m done. I promise._

_I love you,_

_Remus_

It pained him to write so short a letter but it couldn’t be helped. He handed it to Dumbledore. “Please give this to him.”

“I promise I will deliver it.”

“Thank you.” Before Remus could change his mind, he left.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting with this chapter, all the warnings in the tags are coming into play.

Remus was to meet the Death Eaters again that night. He spent his day speaking with the other werewolves and attending to minor tasks until Connall approached him.

“It’s time.”

Remus’s eyes widened in momentary surprise. “You’re coming?”

“I’m moving up in the world.” Connall gave him a shove. “Come on.”

Remus shoved Connall away in return. Connall didn’t respond but started walking in the direction of the meeting place, near one of the few exits out of the “city.” The Death Eaters felt safer that way. It also made for a good location to drag a werewolf off and Connall-- he shouldn’t be with them.

Remus didn’t know if the sudden feeling of apprehension was an instinct he should listen to or simply paranoia.

Connall looked back. “Don’t make me drag you there.” He snapped.

Paranoia or not, Remus didn’t have a choice and he caught up with his packmate. Connall started making comments about the Death Eaters, asking if they were stupid and saying other distasteful things that Remus didn’t mind at all but it felt too forced.

They were now in a tunnel leading to the building. It wasn’t far but the sense of foreboding was so strong that Remus could not overcome it. He held back.

Connall turned. “Are you coming or not?”

“No.” Remus sounded stronger than he felt. “I don’t think I will.” He refused to turn his back to Connall and slowly started walking backwards.

“It’s a little late for that.”

Remus heard movement behind him and looked back. Three men blocked his escape. Each of them leered at him and laughed as though at a joke they alone could hear. But Remus also heard, or rather saw the joke and it brought him no amusement, only fear. He glanced ahead.

From the shadows, Frenrir Greyback joined Connall. “This is your last chance, Lupin.”

“As much as it pains me to admit it,” Connall said, “for once you may be right. Sorry, Remus. Nothing personal.”

Remus didn’t wait for an explanation he likely wouldn’t get. He thrust his hands both in front and behind him, sending arcs of magic at the werewolves. Fenrir and Connall dodged but Remus heard a cry from behind him. Before he could do any more damage, a blast of red light shot towards him from the darkness. Remus didn’t react in time to block the stunning spell.

The next moment Remus was flat on his back. He could open his eyes but was unable to move his body.

“Look at me, Lupin. I’m not done with you yet.” Greyback commanded and Remus did not dare disobey.

Greyback grinned at him. “Your packmate was eager to be rid of you in return for his reward but we? Oh, we have unfinished business to take care of before I let my friends take you.”

Remus had thought and hoped that this was a matter between werewolves but when he saw the hooded and masked figures behind Greyback, his hope failed. He knew now who’d cast the stunning spells followed by a full body bind before they woke him.

Greyback continued speaking. “I lead. Others follow me or die very,” his fangs gleamed, “very painfully. Think of that and then think of me— often— while you’re in their tender care.” Greyback turned to the Death Eaters. “You will take your time with him?”

“You have my word.” The woman’s voice would have been elegant if it weren’t also full of dark pleasure.

“This may be the first time I can hold you to it.”

“As I said,” another Death Eater, this one a man, spoke. “We have more in common than you think.”

Greyback didn’t reply but bent over Remus. He raked his nails across Remus’s face, retracing the scars he'd left before. “I’ve left mark on you twice now. Shame there won’t be a third.” He stood, stepped away, and addressed the Death Eaters. “Here he is, unharmed as I said.”

“He won’t be for long.” One of the Death Eaters replied. They all laughed in response.

The woman pointed her wand at Remus. “ _Stupefy!_ ”

\---

Remus took in what had happened to him before he even opened his eyes. Only strips remained of his robes. He could move but his hand were clasped and bound together, along with his feet. A metal collar around his neck dug into his skin and the weight bent his head low. A chain attached it to a bolt in the wall. There were bars all around him, including above so that he wouldn’t be able to stand unless he stooped. He was in some stone basement and the chill made him shiver.

“Do you like your new home, dog?” The woman still wore a mask but Remus could tell from her voice that she was the same one from before. Two other Death Eaters flanked her.

“Your stay will be short.” The woman continued then laughed. “At least to me. For you it will be unbearably long.”

Remus fought to stay calm. He had known since he agreed to join the packs that this could be the result. He knew that they were going to torture him until he talked or, if he were lucky, until they grew bored of him.

“I don’t belong here.” He was lucky it was in character for him to sound afraid. He doubted he would have been able to control it. “I haven’t done—”

“ _Crucio!_ ”

Remus was no stranger to pain. He was a werewolf. With each full moon his body shed its human form and broke into a new one that wanted only to maim before stitching itself back together again. It was agony but it was bearable. This, as he’d discovered before, was not. The pain stopped suddenly but his screams took longer to cease. He lay shuddering.

“That is what we do to liars.”

“What—” Remus gasped and looked up at the Death Eater. “What do you want?”

“Many things.” She ran her fingers over her wand. “To break you until all that’s left is a shell that begs for a death that never comes. But...” She drew closer to him. “That doesn’t have to happen. Tell us what you know and we will release you. Swear service to us and you won’t have to fear your enemies, werewolf or wizard.”

“And yet you call me a liar,” he said.

The woman laughed. “Ah, I love it when they’re stubborn! It’s not as much fun otherwise.”

“We haven’t seen it in a while." One of the others replied. "When did we break the last Order member?”

“A month ago, at least.”

Remus’s heart sank. A month? Who had it been?

“Oh.” The woman’s voice changed into a sing song tone, as one would speak to an infant. “Does that make you sad, little werewolf? We killed one of your friends. What was her name?”

“Meadowes.” Another Death Eater supplied.

“That’s right, Meadowes. She put up such a fight too.”

Remus bit his tongue. Dorcas.

“We’re going to do the same thing we did to her. And then we’ll do it to your boyfriend, Remus Lupin and we’ll make you watch.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. You’re mad--”

“You think I don’t know what that filthy blood traitor does?” The woman spat. “The one who turned his back on his noble family, when he could have had all, just so he could lie with a _half breed_ such as you!” The woman ripped her mask from her face revealing long black hair, an aristocratic face, an upturned nose, and the same chin.

“You’re a Black.”

The woman stood straighter and tilted back her head to thrust up her chin. “I was honored to carry the name but now I am a Lestrange.”

“You’re a sadist.”

Lestrange laughed for a long while. “Oh, dog.” She pointed his wand at him. “I am. _Crucio!_ ”

“Sirius!” Remus screamed through the pain. “What did you do with Sirius!”

“Nothing yet. You’ll bring him to us. He’ll come for you.” With a flick of her wand, she sent Remus crashing back against the wall.

“We’re going to have some fun while we wait.”

\---

They took turns torturing him, first with the Cruciatus Curse, then with other curses that sliced open his skin. There would be new scars on his body if he lived long enough for them to heal. Not that it was any concern. No one who cared would see them.

Lestrange paced back and forth in front of Remus, twisting her wand in her hand. “I am tired of this. Do you think you have felt true pain, dog? If you don’t tell us the Order’s plans you will feel worse.”

“I don’t know.” He gasped, still shaking from the latest curse. “I was sent to the packs months ago. They never told me in case _this_ happened.”

“You’re lying. You know something. You know who else is in there. Dumbledore is so soft, he must have you all meet together and bake cookies and fill your heads with his--” She jerked her wand and Remus’s head slammed against the wall. “Disgusting lies and slander.”

“Perhaps another tactic.” One of the Death Eaters by her side suggested. “Something sweeter.”

Remus was too dizzy to see Lestrange’s reaction to that but he heard her sigh.

“Very well, I’ll find another toy to play with.” She slunk out of the room.

“Remus.” The Death Eater that had spoken to Lestrange began. His voice was smooth and much too slippery for Remus’s liking. “May I call you that?”

Remus remained silent. He looked away as the Death Eater came closer to his cage.

“We can keep our captives for a long time. You would do well to speak.”

Remus’s eyes hardened and he looked back at the Death Eater so he could see the defiance in his eyes.

“In fact, we have one now that you may remember. I heard that you were fond of him.” He waited for a reply but when he received none he continued. “His name is Caradoc Dearborn.”

Both Remus’s blood and breath froze. “You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. Would you like to see him? Tell us. Give us names and we will reunite you.”

“More lies.” But how did they know that Caradoc, of all of the people they’d lost, was the one to mention to Remus? Was it luck?

The Death Eater laughed. “No, not a lie. We do have him. You’ll see him soon enough.” He waved his wand and the bars that held Remus enclosed disappeared.

Remus tried to force himself up onto his knees. The man stepped close, kicked him down, and pressed his foot on top of Remus’s chest. It was then that Remus realized he must have broken a rib as pain shot up through his body in spikes. He screamed so hard his throat went raw.

“It will hurt even more if you refuse to speak.” His foot dug into him once more before he backed away. “ _Crucio!_ ”

Remus’s body twisted. Every inch of flesh burned. An invisible fire consumed him. He was beyond screaming, beyond crying. He lay there writhing, hopelessly trying to escape the pain. He could not say how long it lasted. It felt like an eternity, each moment stretching on into the next. His body felt like it would explode. He waited for death, longed for it, begged for it but it did not come. Finally it ended or at least the burning intensity of the pain was gone. Remus could still feel some of the pain. It lingered and his body ached. Remus lied to himself. He told himself the pain would not return. He could not bear to face the knowledge that it would.

“Now will you tell us?”

Remus shook his head.

“I don’t want to do this, Remus, not even to a half breed like you but,” a sigh, “if you insist.”

Remus didn’t know how long they tortured him. It must have been hours, each time they lorded over him the promise. “You can see Caradoc. I promise. We’ll bring him to you.” How they expected Remus to believe that, he didn’t know.

Remus spat out blood. Shuddering, he pressed his forehead against the floor. The stone was cool and it only reminded him how cold he was without any clothing to warm him.

He heard someone enter the room and didn’t bother to look up.

“Werewolf.” It was Lestrange.

Remus still didn’t raise his head.

“I brought you something sweet.”

Remus remained where he was until he heard an unearthly gurgling sound, like it had come from the back of the a throat and shredded in the air. Everything about that noise told Remus that something was horribly wrong. There was the instinct to push himself up, back against the wall, and defend himself. He did just that, however awkwardly with his hands bound. And when he looked at the door he cringed in revulsion.

An inferius. A dead, reanimated body. It was lurching in the door. Its arm had rotted down to the bone as had its face. There was nothing recognizable about it. Stringy blond hair lay stretched across what flesh remained on its skull.

“I wanted to be here for the happy reunion. Dog, I brought you your friend.” She turned to the Death Eater that had been torturing Remus. “What’s his name? I forgot.”

“Caradoc Dearborn.”

“Yes.”

Remus didn’t see her smile. All he saw was this inferius and then, overlayed over its skull, Caradoc’s face. It was of the right height and the hair was this same but--

“It’s not him,” Remus said hollowly.

“No.” Lestrange brushed the clothes that hung off its body. “We like to hold onto the Order members we capture. They make for fine trophies.”

“It’s not him.”

“Do you want to hear what we did to Meadowes?”

“IT’S NOT HIM!” Remus screamed. He lunged forward and the force of hurling himself against the chain bound to his throat ended up choking him. He opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything as he fell back to the ground. He raised his hands to his neck but couldn’t do anything more with them bound together.

_It’s not him. It’s not--_

Lestrange started laughing.

“And we’ll do this to you, half breed,” the other Death Eater said. “If you do not tell us about the Order of the Phoenix.”

Remus glared at him, avoiding Lestrange because she stood too close to that thing that was not-- could not be-- Caradoc. He refused to believe it but the tears in his eyes said otherwise. His body shook as a sob welled in his aching throat.

“Is he crying?” Lestrange asked.

“You should bring him a tissue.”

Remus burned. Every part of him boiled over and he tried to pull his hands apart to free himself of his bindings. He spat out blood but it didn’t make it past the bars of the cage, bars he tried to bend. Yet as soon as he turned his mind on it, the bars sparked and an arc of magical energy threw itself back at him, pinning him to the wall.

“Did you think we wouldn’t enchant it? Only our magic can affect it. But what does a werewolf know of magic?”

“A werewolf knows how to tear out your throats.” Remus’s voice was hoarse but full of the venom he felt and given the chance he didn’t know what he would have done if their throats had been presented to him.

“ _Crucio!_ ”

Remus shook. The pain should have been familiar by now but no matter how hard he braced himself for it, he wasn’t prepared. By the time it was over and they left him, Remus was sobbing.

\---

Remus had no way of telling how long it had been since the Death Eaters took him. All that marked the passage of time was when they would leave-- and even that was difficult to tell as they would do so several times within what Remus guessed was a day until he lost track of that too. It wasn’t always the same people. He hadn’t seen Lestrange in a while, nor the Death Eater that accompanied her. He didn’t know their names save for Sirius’s deranged family member. He didn’t care to know them. It wouldn’t matter anyway. He was never going to be able to tell the Order.

He lay on the floor, relishing what little time he had to himself. He was not without pain. The cuts on his body refused to heal and he had bruises to add to them, as well as a broken rib and God knew what else.

He was going to die here. He half wanted it to end already. Even if it meant never seeing Sirius--

Remus bit his lip. He didn’t want to cry again but the tears were already filling his eyes.

He’d promised him… And now, if Sirius found out, if he was reckless and played right into their hands...

Remus couldn’t wipe his eyes when he heard footsteps approaching. He didn’t bother pushing himself up either. They were going to torture him anyway. It didn’t matter what he did and his defiance only made it worse.

Someone walked inside. “Close the door.” The man’s voice sounded so familiar.

“You want to be alone with that thing?”

“This is a private matter.”

“Perhaps you are soft on him. I did not know the Blacks were all perv—”

At the name “Black,” Remus pushed himself up.

The man who had entered drew his wand and a shower of red sparks erupted from it. For once, it was not aimed at Remus.

“Spread any more of your slander and I will show you the wrath of the House of Black. It falls to me to cleanse my family line and I will not let you stand in my way.”

Sirius? It could not be Sirius. But Remus was desperate to cling to that small shred of hope.

“…Fine.” The guard responded. “But remember, he must remain alive.”

“No, that would be too quick an end for the half breed. _Lumos._ ”

The light from the spell illuminated the room just as the door closed. In front of Remus, still before the doorway, was someone who looked like Sirius at first glance. He had the black hair, the same cheekbones, that look of cultured arrogance, and the same good looks though not as blessed as Sirius was.

Remus had never seen Sirius’s brother before but he still recognized him. “Regulus.”

“Yes.” Regulus stepped closer, wand still outstretched. He looked down at Remus like he was staring at a rotting carcass that had yet to be disposed of by his house elf. “Is it true that my brother took you as his— lover?” Regulus nearly spat the last word out.

Remus paused. If he told the truth then Regulus might curse him in a fit of rage. But if he lied he could also be hurt. This was Sirius’s brother. Sirius hadn’t spoken of his family often and whenever he said Regulus’s name his tone was angry but there was also regret. Remus knew that despite everything, deep inside, Sirius loved his brother. Was it possible that Regulus felt the same? And if so, could he help Remus? It was doubtful, but if he could establish a rapport with Regulus then maybe he had a chance. And if not at least he would learn more about his lover’s family. Staring at Regulus now, he could almost see Sirius.

“Yes,” Remus said finally.

“A _werewolf_.” Regulus shook his head. “I knew my brother had bad taste but a _werewolf!_ Does he have no self-respect or even common sense!”

“He has too much self-respect, I think.” Remus tried to sound calm as he spoke, despite his speeding heartbeat. “But not much common sense.”

Regulus stopped shuddering and looked back at Remus. He stepped closer and Remus saw that he shared his brother’s eyes.

“He never has,” Regulus said softly. “Do you love him?”

This was not like the other interrogations but that did not mean Remus was any more comfortable answering. This was between him and Sirius.

“Do you really want to know?” Remus asked.

Regulus smiled bitterly. “No, I don’t. But I have to.”

“For who? Your friends? Your master?”

“For myself,” Regulus said shortly.

Remus was silent. He did not want to answer. He stared at Regulus’s eyes. He could not sense much from him. He could only see sincerity but he could not rely on that as fact. Regulus could be just as skilled in Occlumency. In the end, Remus had to make a decision about whether or not he could trust Sirius’s brother. And if his decision was wrong? What harm would this knowledge bring? He was already captive. From what they had said, they were already working to lure Sirius.

Finally, Remus responded, looking away. “…Yes. Yes, I do.”

“And does he love you?”

He was even less comfortable answering that. “If he doesn’t then this will all be a waste of time.”

“My fellow Death Eaters never consider torturing a half breed to be a waste.” But Regulus did not seem to take much pleasure in the thought. “But that is not an answer to my question. Look at me!”

Remus reluctantly looked back into Regulus’s eyes and answered. “…He says he does.”

Regulus’s lips curled in disgust but something in his eyes changed. They did not look as harsh. “He’s a fool. He always has been.”

“I won’t argue with that.”

“He’ll come for you,” Regulus said suddenly.

Remus’s heart sank. He did not know how to respond to that. “If he’s smart he won’t.”

“Haven’t we already established that he’s not smart? Not when it matters the most and when it comes to getting himself killed.” There wasn’t any note of victory in Regulus’s voice, only a sad finality.

“You can’t want him dead. He’s your brother.”

“Funny. He hasn’t called me that since we were in Hogwarts. He loathes me. We’re no longer brothers. He replaced me with that friend of his, Potter.”

“That’s not true. He might hate you but he still loves you. You grew up together. He feels responsible for you. Nothing will change that.” Sirius had never told him that but Remus didn’t need him to speak to read between the lines.

“He feels responsible for me? I am a grown man and I can take care of myself.”

“You’re twisting my words. He knows you make your own choices why else do you think he stopped trying to convince you that what the Death Eaters are doing is wrong? You’re just as stubborn as he is, aren’t you?”

“I know when I’m fighting for a lost cause.”

Remus was in no position to make a retort so he kept silent.

“You’re not going to protest?”

“No, I’m going to die.” Remus spoke with a calmness he didn’t truly feel.

“Yes, you are.”

“You could kill me.”

“I could.” Regulus started for the door. “But I won’t.”

“It would save your brother.” If he felt anything for Sirius…

Regulus paused. He looked back at Remus with the same grey eyes of his brother though they were more calculating and indiscernible.

“No,” he said. “It wouldn’t.” He didn’t say another word as he left.

Remus sank back onto the floor and closed his eyes. The next time he had a visitor they were there for more blood.


	28. Chapter 28

Judging by his body wasting away on the scraps of food they gave him, weeks had passed. The Order would know of his absence by now, even if Phelan hadn’t told. He was meant to speak with Dumbledore around this time, if his guess was right. He just hoped they hadn’t told Sirius because if they had-- he had to stay in hiding. It wasn’t just for his sake.

Yet sometimes, in dark moments, twisting in torture, Remus wished he was here if it would make the pain stop. He thought that and then he hated himself for it. He hated himself for more than that. He’d slipped once, shouted names incoherently but what hadn’t come out garbled was apparently the names of already dead Order members or else ones they knew about. That didn’t stop the guilt from his breakdown. But now that the Death Eaters had succeeded in drawing some information from him, they were worse than ever.

He lay alone, sealed in his cage, wondering what was taking so long for them to come, when the door creaked open.

“Wake up, dog.” Lestrange again. “I have a surprise. A gift, I should say. Move!”

Remus sat up as quickly as he could but when he did he saw that the last order was not directed at him. Lestrange shoved a young boy in front of her. He couldn’t have been older than six. His hair was blonde, the sort that darkened with age, as Remus’s had. His soft brown eyes were wide with fright.

“I found this mudblood for you, dog. Do you know what day it is? Or should I say what night?”

Remus honestly had had no idea. He hadn’t seen sun or moon since his capture. Each day bled into the next without notice. But when Lestrange amended her question he knew.

“Don’t.” There was no hope for the boy here. He was too hungry and the cage was too small for a boy to sit in here while Remus transformed without being torn apart.

“I’m giving him to you. It’s rude to refuse a gift.” Lestrange flicked her wand and the bars of Remus’s cage parted. She pushed the boy again, this time hard enough to send him sprawling on the floor. “Get in.”

“Don’t—” Remus whispered.

The boy didn’t move. He was shaking too badly to stand. He looked up at Bellatrix. “Please take me home. I want to go home.”

“Your ‘home’ is burning along with the bodies of your family. Get in that cage or you can join them in death.”

She shoved the child inside, then pointed her wand at Remus. “Petrificus totalus.”

Remus’s body locked up and he fell to the floor. With another wave of her wand, Lestrange unlocked the chains that bound Remus. The air felt foreign on the raw skin that had been beneath them.

Lestrange returned the bars to normal. “Finite incantatem.”

Remus pushed himself up with aching arms as soon as the spell had finished.

“Enjoy your meal.” Lestrange gave him a sickeningly sweet smile before leaving, robes swishing behind her.

Remus’s breaths came hard and fast. He couldn’t…

Stooping so he didn’t bump against the top of the cage, he grasped the bars and pulled but he was too feeble. “Move! Damn it, move-- move.” His voice broke on the last word.

“Who are you?” The boy asked. He sounded near tears.

Remus closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the child again. Because he was going to…

“Remus Lupin,” he said quietly. He didn’t let go of the bars as he turned and looked at the young boy. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what? I need-- can’t you help me?” The child had shrunk to the far end of the cage.

“No, I can’t. But--” Remus took a step closer, holding his hands out in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “I need you to be brave. You’ll be all right but I need you to be brave.”

“I’m not-- I’m--” The child’s body started shaking. “I want to go home.”

“I know.”

Before Remus could say any more, the boy had thrown his arms around his waist and had pressed his head into his stomach. Remus bit back a cry at the pain that caused him. Instead he rested his hands on the child’s shoulders.

“What’s-- what’s your name?”

“Paul.”

“Paul. That’s a good name.” Remus took a deep breath and oh, that really hurt. But it was no worse than what he’d been through. “Paul, something is going to happen in…” Remus had no idea how much time they had left. Not long, he guessed, not if the Death Eaters had withdrawn. Even they didn’t want to see this. “Soon.”

“What’s wrong? What’s going to happen?” The boy’s voice shook as badly as his body.

Steeling himself, Remus took a deep breath and held Paul closer. “It will all be over soon. But you have to be strong.”

“I’m scared.”

Remus smoothed Paul’s hair and rocked him in his arms. “It’s all right to be scared. It doesn’t make you any less brave.”

No matter what he said, the boy still trembled violently. The only comfort was it made it that much harder for the child to notice he wasn’t the only one shaking.

Remus searched for a story, a song, anything to distract the boy but all he could think about were his heightening senses and the tension in his muscles.

“Listen.” Remus didn’t let go of the child as he spoke. “Soon I’m going to turn into— into a monster. I’ll lose control—”

The boy drew back and stared at him with eyes wide more from fear than confusion. “Are you going to hurt me?”

Remus’s chest constricted. He strained to answer but no sound left his throat. He stared into a face so similar to his own all those years ago.

“…Yes.”

Paul sprang out of his arms. In seconds his back was flat against the other side of the cage. “I thought you’d keep me safe. You said I’d be all right…” He sank to the ground, drew his knees to his chest, and wrapped his bony arms around them. “I trusted you.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to-- please listen to me. I’m a werewolf. Do you know what that is?”

Paul eyed him with renewed skepticism but after everything he had seen the doubt was soon gone. “Yes.” He replied finally. “Are you going to kill me?”

To his credit, Remus didn’t pause for an instant. “No. No, but you must— don’t fight back. I know it’ll be hard but when the time comes try to be still.”

The child made no sign that he would obey or even that he understood.

Abandoning pretense, Remus buried his head in his hands.

“I don’t want to die.”

The child’s voice, faint and choked with tears echoed endlessly in Remus’s ears. His heart answered. _I don’t want to kill you._

“Do you…” He began slowly. “Is there a story you’d like to hear?”

“Like what?”

“I’m not sure. A fairy tale? There’s one. Three brothers come to a bridge. Using their magic—”

“I hate magic.”

Although it caught Remus off guard, that response, delivered with such venom from a boy so young, was not surprising after everything he’d been through. What did surprise Remus was his own answer, which contained a passion he didn’t know he still possessed.

“So do I.”

He didn’t have the time to choke back his sob. His muscles rippled in a brief spasm before seizing and locking into place. He swayed but remained sitting.

“Not yet.” His lips barely moved as he spoke. “Not yet. Please.”

Remus’s jaw unclenched. His mouth opened in a soundless scream. With the next spasm he fell forward, contorting. Pain burst through every inch of skin. Try as he might to be still, to contain it, he could not stop writhing.

As always, the werewolf’s body broke first. The itch of fur sprouting along his skin wasn’t so much as a nuisance next to the audible cracking of bone, soon drowned by a warped, inhuman scream. His own. Reason abandoned him but not his mind, not yet.

During his transformations Remus had always been able to take comfort in the knowledge that the accompanying pain was only temporary. Although he knew he would claw himself as soon as it was done, it had always been a welcome relief from his body shattering from the inside out. But now he was not alone. Now, the wolf would have his victory. Now…

Remus opened his eyes and stared at the child. He pounded his fists against the bars, tearing at them just as Remus would soon tear at flesh.

Soft brown eyes turning to cold, gleaming yellow. Remus Lupin fought urges that were not his own. Sweat, terror, _flesh_ , the scent filled his lungs. He watched the prey’s feeble struggle. There would be no chase, only biting, ripping, rending, feeding. His stomach rumbled. He snarled in anticipation. Slowly, he rose onto his feet only to fall as they snapped and twisted under him. The change was not complete.

Hearing his howl of pain, the prey turned to face him and answered with a scream of its own. Rising again, the werewolf lurched forward. Bones cracked but he did not stop. His stomach was empty and the blood called.

\---

Remus tasted blood. It ran down his lips, stained his chest, and coated his hands. A shudder rippled through his body and he muffled his cry as his muscles tensed and throbbed with pain. He sat up, eyes half closed, and touched his mouth with bloody fingers. He couldn’t remember much of his transformation. But he remembered that it felt good, satisfying in a way nothing else had. A hunger finally sated. When he heard whimpers his eyes snapped open fully.

The boy-- Paul-- lay in the corner of the cage. His entire right side and arm was torn open. Remus couldn’t tell how pale he was since he was painted red with blood.

“Paul.” Remus scrambled forward on his hands and knees, yelling at his body’s protests.

“No.”

Remus could barely make out the quiet voice but he saw Paul’s lips move.

“No.”

“I have to help you. I can--” But he couldn’t. Those were cursed wounds.

“Noooo.” Paul moaned.

“Am I interrupting?”

Remus turned toward the sound of Lestrange’s voice. She stood there with three Death Eaters flanking her, each of their faces obscured by masks.

“He needs help, you monsters.”

“Monster? Should we get you a mirror so you can see one?” Lestrange flicked her wand and the bars parted.

Remus attempted to rush out of the cage but he tripped and lay sprawled across the floor. He gasped as he rode out the resulting pain and missed watching them levitate the boy out of the cage.

“Barely alive. You were so excited, weren’t you, dog? How did his flesh taste?”

Remus spat out as much blood as he could.

Lestrange nodded at one of her companions. “Take him to Greyback.”

“Don’t--” Remus started.

“He stays, he dies. Do you want that?”

Remus stayed silent. Though truthfully, with those wounds, he didn’t know if the boy was going to die regardless. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. The enormity of what he’d done crashed down on him.

Paul wasn’t dead but he was a werewolf. Remus had always feared infecting someone since before he’d been sent to the packs. And now it was a boy, just a boy, no older than he had been when Greyback had bitten him.

_We have a virgin._ Greyback’s words echoed in his ears.

But Remus had tasted human blood. He’d bitten. He’d torn flesh. He’d fed.

Remus threw up. He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see what he’d vomited. He didn’t want confirmation.

“Look at the mess you’ve made.” Lestrange clucked. “ _Crucio!_ ”

Remus wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t-- he hadn’t meant. But it had happened. He wasn’t Remus Lupin. He was a werewolf. A werewolf, closing his eyes and trying not to scream, all the while seizing violently. After what felt like a lifetime the pain stopped but it was not Remus who opened his eyes. Remus was gone. What remained in his place was a shell.

During the transformation he longed for his wasted, human body. Now he wanted no part of it.

“Now.” Lestrange began. She lowered her wand. “If you’re nice and feel like sharing, we’ll clean that up for you.”

The werewolf pressed his hands to his face. The bars still lay open before him but there was no opportunity for escape with them there. But if they killed him…

He lunged past the bars only for Lestrange to fling him back with a spell. He hit the wall hard enough to lose his breath and gasped until he finally caught it.

“Speak, dog.”

It didn’t matter anymore.

“Speak.”

Nothing did.


	29. Chapter 29

However many days, however many weeks it had been was of no importance. Remus existed. He wished he didn’t.

He didn’t lift his head when the door opened. He would be tortured. Perhaps they would murder him. Perhaps he would have relief.

“Get up!” A Death Eater snapped.

Remus rolled onto his stomach. His muscles fought against him as he tried to force himself up.

“Not fast enough.” With a wave of his wand, the Death Eater made Remus’s muscles jerk painfully and he was raised onto his knees.

“Someone’s here to see you, dog.” The Death Eater continued.

Remus stared blankly back at him.

“Not curious who it is? I think you’ll be disappointed. Once he sees you like this, he won’t want you. You’re disgusting. Then again, his taste was already abysmal.”

As the Death Eater spoke, sounds echoed from the stairs. The words that were said were overpowered by screams. At first Remus thought these screams were like the others, coming from the werewolf until he realized that could not be. His mouth was not open and the pain was tolerable. It had to be someone else. The Death Eater was telling the truth. Some poor soul had been captured. Did that mean they would tire of Remus? Would they lose interest in him and kill him or keep him alive, a broken pet to play with later?

The screams turned to words.

“I’ll tell you nothing! You’ll have to kill me. You’ll have to—” Another scream.

Remus stared at the door. There was something about that voice that haunted him. It was not the defiance but something else, something that tugged at his memory and then broke through.

“No.” Remus whispered.

“Oh yes.” The Death Eater responded in a sickeningly sweet voice.

The door flung open. Shortly afterward a body was thrown through the doorway. The man was covered in bruises and blood trickled down his face. He scrambled to push himself up, having to utilize his body only as his hands were tied behind his back. When he looked up, Remus found himself gazing into Sirius’s grey eyes.

Sirius froze. “Noooo. No, no, no. Oh no, oh Remus. Remus, I’m sor—” Sirius’s moan broke off into a scream. One of the Death Eaters had cast the Cruciatus Curse.

Lestrange kept the curse going as she removed her mask to get a better view. Her eyes glittered as she looked on. “Oh, you are pathetically predictable.” She stopped the spell so Sirius would stop screaming and hear her words. Lestrange shifted her voice so that it was high and mocking. “Do you know what I’ve heard? ‘Sirius won’t come. Sirius isn’t an idiot. He knows it’s a trap and he won’t come so you should kill me now.’” Her voice returned to normal for the laugh that followed. “But I knew you. After all these years you haven’t changed a bit. Have you, cousin? Out of your parents’ two sons, you got all the bravery and your brother all the smarts. Look where it’s got you now? Do you still think you’re better than all of the Blacks combined?”

“I wouldn’t say that. I’d say I’m better than all the Death Eaters combined.”

Remus winced at Sirius’s response because he knew what would follow it and he was right. Lestrange cast the Cruciatus Curse again and again Sirius screamed in agony. Remus tried to catch Sirius’s eyes but Sirius was too focused on tolerating the pain. His eyes were firmly shut and he had bent over himself, trying to summon all of his strength to resist the torture. Finally, he opened his eyes and glared at Lestrange.

“Was that your best, Bella? I’ve had worse nosebleeds.”

“Sirius, be quiet!” Remus snapped. He had wanted to tell him without speaking but if he was going to be this idiotic then he had no choice. He knew that the warning would have consequences. Lestrange turned on him and redirected her wrath.

“ _Crucio!_ ”

As always, there was no way to prepare for the pain. Remus could only endure it.

“Stop! Stop!” Although Sirius was yelling, to Remus he sounded like he may as well have been miles away. “I’m here, aren’t I? It’s me you want. Hurt me!”

No, Remus reflected even through the pain, Sirius had not changed at all. He was an idiot and he had no idea what he was getting himself into. That was all going to change. And as much as Remus hated it, a part of him was looking forward to Lestrange turning on Sirius because it meant that Remus would be left alone, if only for a moment. It did not matter how badly the rest of him wanted to take the pain on Sirius’s behalf.

“You actually care about this half breed.” She spat. “You are disgusting. It is bad enough to lust for men but animals? I would have thought it was too far, even for your low standards.”

Sirius no doubt wanted to say something back but he held his tongue, perhaps recognizing that it would only make things worse for Remus. “Stop this,” he said quietly after a brief pause to collect his thoughts. “Let him go. You have me. You can let him go.”

“Let him go where?” But Lestrange pointed her wand away from Remus as she spoke.

The pure, blinding pain stopped and Remus gasped in relief. It was over for now.

“Back to your Order, where he will tell everyone all that he has learned? Even if we did they would reject him. He’s told us a lot, you see.” Lestrange cast a glance at Remus, still gasping on the floor. She smiled. “We’ve taken our time breaking him. It’s been so much fun. I had hoped he would last longer but I shouldn’t have expected that much from a simple beast.”

Remus had to force himself to look at Sirius to see his reaction. Sirius’s face was blank and he was clearly trying to stop himself from showing his emotions but what emotions? This time when Remus tried to catch Sirius’s eye, Sirius looked at him and they found each other.

_Stay quiet. Do what she says but don’t tell them where they are._ Remus thought. And then… what? What could he say? There were no excuses he could give but Sirius would learn soon enough that the pain was more than anyone could imagine. But Remus found that he didn’t have to ask or give excuses. It was plain in Sirius’s mind. It didn’t matter what Remus had done. He still loved him. Remus didn’t know if he would rather Sirius hated him.

“What do you have to say to that?” Lestrange kicked Sirius but, though trembling, he didn’t cry out.

“It doesn’t matter what you told them, Remus.” Sirius ignored his cousin so he could look into Remus’s eyes.

Lestrange strode forward, grabbed his long hair, and pulled his head back so she could point her wand at his throat.

“You were always stupid, Sirius.”

She jerked back with her hand and Sirius flinched.

“We wouldn’t have taken your little dog if it weren’t for you.” Lestrange continued. She glanced at Remus. “Did you know that? Has your animal mind pieced that together? We never would have bothered with a little dog barking at the wolves if it weren’t for this blood traitor.” She released Sirius’s hair suddenly and his head jerked forward.

“Sirius.” Lestrange lay a lock of Sirius’s hair over his shoulder in a parody of intimacy. “What do you think of that? You’ve killed another of your pets.”

Sirius tilted his head back to glare at her. “Fuck you, Bellatrix. If you don’t die, they’ll send you to rot in Azkaban.”

Lestrange laughed. She stepped back, wand raised. “No, don’t move,” she said as Sirius struggled to his feet. “I’ll torture your pet if you move. As for dying, that’s what your little Order will be doing very soon, thanks to you, Sirius. _Crucio!_ ”

Sirius fell. He screamed. His limbs twitched. And he was still being tortured when Lestrange turned to Remus and cast the same curse on him.

Lestrange must have ended the spell on Sirius first as in time Remus heard him begging Lestrange to stop but she didn’t and by the time she lifted the curse, Remus could not string together anything more than a thought, and that was more of a longing. He wanted to die.

When he came back to awareness, he found himself curled up on his side. His nails were bloody from clawing at the floor. Sirius was yelling.

“I won’t tell!”

“Who do you love more? The Potters or this dog?”

“Fuck you! I’m not choosing.”

“The Potters? Such a shame. There’s no use for this one then.”

Remus heard Lestrange step closer.

“Wait! Don’t--”

“...Yes, Sirius?”

“Please don’t.” Sirius’s voice was low. It was also breaking.

“You finally know how to be polite. Too late. _Crucio!_ ”

Remus felt as if his throat had split in two when he screamed.

\---

“Remus, they’re gone.” Yet despite that, Sirius was whispering.

Remus opened his eyes. He turned his head and saw that at some point during the torture, they’d placed Sirius in a cage as well, absent the chains that Remus had.

Sirius moved as close to his lover as the cage would allow him. “Remus, say something.”

Remus did not move. He lay still, flat on his back, and gazed up at the wall.

“Remus, please…. Remus.” Sirius’s voice choked. “Please just look at me.”

Remus had no response for him.

“This is all my fault. They never would have— I’m so sorry, Remus. I’m so sorry…” He gave up on holding back his sobs. “I never wanted this. I never wanted you hurt.”

Slowly, still staring at the ceiling, Remus spoke. His voice was flat and mechanical. “I know.” The words sounded strange to Remus, like they were coming from another person.

“You must hate me.”

“A little.” Remus admitted although that was most likely an understatement. He didn’t know now. Everything was muted. Emotions, even his senses-- a pain felt from a distance.

Sirius sobbed.

Remus opened his mouth. He was about to speak but stopped. He knew he should comfort Sirius but how? What was the point? They were going to die, soon if they were lucky. Before they were given that last comfort they would be tortured. The pain was unbearable and endless. Nothing he said would change that reality. What was the use of professing his love when he was not sure he was capable of emotion at all?

Remus turned his head to look at Sirius. He was pressed against the bars and weeping openly. The sight triggered something in Remus’s mind but he did not recognize it yet. He sat up. “Sirius?”

Sirius choked and gasped for air. He looked at Remus but said nothing.

Remus recognized the feeling now. “I didn’t want them to find you.” He sounded different now, more human though he was not one. “I wanted you to live but— I’m glad to see you one last time.”

“Remus…” Sirius’s face twisted as he fought for control of his emotions. “I was trying to rescue you. I thought I— I don’t know what I was thinking. Only Peter would help and— I made such a mess of it. I’m sorry.”

“Rescue me.” Remus repeated dully. “There is no rescue. No one can save me.”

Sirius actually laughed a little but it was broken, same as his voice when he spoke again. “I thought I could. I thought… I should have done it already. I only found out last night and… I had to try and I failed both of us. I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” Remus said. “It will be over soon.” He knew that the pain that was coming would be unimaginable. The Death Eaters had been saving him for this moment, taking their time to come up with ways to torment him and use him against Sirius. Now, at last, they would be able to take it all out on him. But once he made it through that it would all be over. There would be no more pain. He would be free.

“We’re going to get out of here,” Sirius said fiercely. “We’re going to get out. I’ll think of something.”

Remus almost did not recognize the noise coming from his mouth. It was laughter. Then he broke off and cried.

“There has to be some way—” Sirius insisted.

“There _is_ no way. Don’t waste your time thinking about it. That’s not important now. Listen,” Remus wrapped his fingers around the bars of his cage. He watched his fingertips slide over the metal. “The pain is… I’ve broken down. I’ve told them…” He was silent for a moment. Sirius started to speak but Remus held up his hand to silence him. “I’ve tried not to but sometimes it’s— it’s too much. I want you to know that whatever I say or do I love you and don’t tell them.” He looked at Sirius. “Please don’t tell them where James and Lily are. Not for me. No matter what. I don’t know if— if the pain will be too much but don’t. I’m done. They broke me. There’s nothing left to save here.” Remus pointed to his chest.

“I won’t. I—” Sirius’s voice cracked. He put his hand over his face. He breathed deeply then doubled over. One minute later he sat up and looked at Remus. “I love you. I don’t care what they’ve done to you. I love you.”

“I wish I’d gone with you,” Remus said quietly.

“Me too.”

“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” There was no point in keeping the boundaries up now. There would be no other time to say this. This was all they had. This was their one last moment of peace. The eye of the hurricane.

Sirius choked again. “So did I.”

Remus tried to smile but couldn’t manage it. “I’m sorry.” He lay back down.

“Don’t be. It’s all right.”

Remus closed his eyes. Tomorrow, Sirius would change his mind. Remus hoped he wouldn’t live long enough to see it.


	30. Chapter 30

“How many times do I have to torture you?” Lestrange demanded. Her hands were tight around Sirius’s throat. “Both of you!” She yelled. “The fucking werewolf cares more about you!”

Sirius clawed at Lestrange’s hands weakly. He gasped in vain for air until Lestrange released him and he took a deep, sucking breath.

“He’s useless! The dog is useless!”

Remus and Lestrange finally agreed on something. He waited as she whirled around to glare at him.

Let it be now. Let the torture end for him. He couldn’t bear to see this.

“This blood traitor doesn’t give a damn about you! _Crucio._ ”

Remus saw the curse coming. He endured it silently, having long since lost his voice from screaming.

“I should kill you!” She screeched as she ended the spell. “I should kill you now!”

Remus mouthed the word "please." He turned to look at the wand pointed at him. He also saw a black dog behind Lestrange. With her back turned, she was taken by surprise as Sirius knocked her down to the floor. He grabbed her wand arm and thrashed his head.

Lestrange screamed. The Death Eater that had been just outside the door stormed inside, cast a spell at Sirius that sent him flying back against the wall, and started healing Lestrange’s profusely bleeding arm.

“Where’s Black?”

“THAT’S BLACK!” Lestrange screamed at the stunned dog.

Remus crawled over to the end of the cage closest to Sirius.

“He’s an Animagus! Put him in the cage, _now!_ ”

The other Death Eater complied. Lestrange grabbed her arm, still bleeding.

“You’re going to pay for that!” Lestrange screamed. “When your boyfriend wakes up, tell him I’ll kill you both! I will flay you!”

The Death Eater pulled her toward the door. She was still screaming when it closed behind them.

“Sirius?” Remus rasped.

He saw the dog’s paw twitch, then Sirius lifted his head.

“Good.”

Sirius transformed back into a human and gave Remus a weak smile. “Think that was worth it?”

Remus shook his head. “But it was nice.” While it lasted.

\---

Remus was right. It hadn’t been worth it. There were more Death Eaters now, at least three. They were never left alone. And the torture was…

Remus wondered if the Ministry knew of some of these curses or if they simply refused to name more than three spells as Unforgivable.

Remus did not know how long it had taken before Sirius talked but he did eventually. The information he gave was virtually the same as Remus's and none of it involved the Potters. Instead of appeasing the Death Eaters, it enraged them further and they both suffered for it.

But time passed and they were left alone save for their guards. Remus’s anxiety filled him more with each moment, sure that the Death Eaters were going to turn on them without warning.

“Remus?” Sirius tried weakly.

Remus vigorously shook his head.

“Shut it!” One of the Death Eaters snapped, drawing his wand.

Sirius fell silent but he watched his lover from behind the bars. Remus couldn’t meet his gaze for longer than a moment.

The door opened and Remus instinctively tensed and closed his eyes. He thought he knew what was coming but when he heard Sirius yell “Peter!” he found he was mistaken.

When Remus opened his eyes he saw Peter Pettigrew, dressed in Death Eater robes but without the mask, looking pale and more anxious than Remus had ever seen him.

“What-- you--” Sirius was incoherent, torn between anger and shock.

For his part, Remus could do little more than stare. They had suspected there was a traitor but Peter?

Remus pressed closer to the bars.

“Lestrange--” Peter began hesitantly. “Lestrange said you should all leave.” He spoke to the Death Eaters. “All of you.”

The Death Eaters paused and their heads turned as they looked at each other.

“All of you.” Peter repeated, voice firmer.

The Death Eaters slowly filed out one by one, leaving them alone.

“Peter,” Sirius started quickly. He pushed one hand through the bars. “Get us out of here.”

“You should have told them.” Peter’s voice was less hesitant now as he stared at Sirius.

Sirius reeled back. “What--”

Peter turned his eyes on Remus and winced. “If you’d told, they wouldn’t have--”

“The whole time.” Sirius’s voice was hollow. “The whole time it was--”

Peter looked back at the man who had been his best friend. “Don’t. Don’t judge me. Don’t you dare.”

“You betrayed all of us!” Sirius yelled. “For years! You fuck, you brought me here! You gave me that picture of Remus being tortured and lead me to the fucking Death Eaters!”

Picture? Remus didn’t recall anyone taking a picture of him but then he recalled so little of the time he’d spent here, other than pain.

“I didn’t want to! They made me, Sirius--”

“They didn’t make you do anything!” Sirius screamed. He grasped the bars tightly and pulled with what little strength remained in his body. “I called you my friend! I trusted you. We _all_ trusted you. And now you’ve brought me here and Remus--”

“I had nothing to do with Remus!” Peter glanced over at the werewolf as he spoke, in his eyes… was that an apology? “You don’t understand. I tried to save you. Every time I gave information, I tried to keep people safe.”

“Every time? _Every time?_ How many of us have you sold out!”

“No, Sirius.” Peter stepped closer to his friend but kept out of the reach of his arms.

“It was you all along, wasn’t it?” Sirius rasped. “You told them where our headquarters were. You told them where Lily and James were hiding. You told them where I was hiding. It was you. It was always you. You wanted us all to die.”

“That’s not true!” Peter protested. “I tried to save all of you. I only told them— Sirius, you know what suffering the Dark Lord can inflict. I had to tell them something and every time I made sure no one was hurt.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, you filthy—”

“What happened? Do you remember what happened the night the Death Eaters came to your house? I told you that Remus was lonely. I said you should spend one more night with him before you left. I kept you alive. And when they stormed headquarters for the first time, I said you should take Remus out for his birthday. I--”

“Remus almost died! And then you brought me here, you bastard!” Sirius jerked at the bars.

“I had no choice! They would have killed me!”

“You should have died!” Sirius roared. “I would have died for you! Just like I’m going to die for James and Lily and _Harry_. He’s a baby!”

“I didn’t want to.” Peter repeated. “I didn’t want to do any of this but I was never as strong as you and James. And you weren’t there for me. When I was afraid, when I needed protection-- it was always James, Lily or Remus. Never me. You never cared--”

“To hell with your excuses!” Sirius cried. “We were always there for you.”

“YOU’RE LYING!” Peter yelled loud enough that Remus started at the sudden sound. Peter took a step back, stilled his shaking body, and continued in the same, small voice he always had. “Sirius, tell them. You can end all of this. You and Remus won’t have to suffer.”

“Is that why they sent you in here? They hoped I’d listen to a fucking traitor!”

“Did you do it?” Remus asked. His voice was still raw and not much more than a whisper.

Peter turned, startled at the sound of Remus's voice. “What?”

“Caradoc. Did you tell them-- and Dorcas. Benjy-- all of our friends.”

Peter didn’t recoil. He didn’t move at all. His eyes remained fixed on Remus.

“Caradoc’s an inferius now. Have you seen him? HAVE YOU--” Remus made a strangled noise as his throat felt like it had been ripped to pieces from yelling the words.

It wasn’t Peter who spoke but Sirius.

“Remus…” His voice was soft, so unlike the shouting from before. But it turned hard in the next moment. “Pettigrew. Get out.”

Peter drew his wand and pointed it at Sirius. “Don’t-- no more orders. Not from you.”

Sirius’s lips curled into a sneer. “I never ordered you. I’m not Voldemort.” He glared at his former friend. “Do it, then. How many times have you cast an Unforgivable Curse? Do it.”

Peter’s hand shook.

“DO IT!” Sirius screamed.

Peter whipped his wand around to point it at Remus.

“Peter--” Sirius started.

“Are you listening to me now, Sirius?” Peter asked. His voice was deathly quiet. “Are you listening?”

“Don’t--”

“I was always in your shadow. You and James. You had everything and you gave me nothing. But now...” He pointed at his chest with his free hand. “Now I have everything.”

Sirius looked like he was biting his tongue to hold back what he really wanted to say.

“I can kill you if I want.” Peter continued.

“Then do it.” Remus croaked.

Peter turned to look at him. Their eyes met and while Peter was shocked, Remus’s eyes were blank.

“Kill me.”

“Remus, don’t.” Sirius begged.

“Kill me.” Remus spoke through the pain.

“I will.” Peter didn’t move his wand from Remus as he looked back at Sirius. “If you don’t tell.”

“You won’t kill him,” Sirius said.

“Why won’t I?”

“Because you don’t have it in you to kill someone with your own wand.”

With his face turned away from him, Remus couldn’t see Peter’s reaction.

“You have no idea what I’m capable of, Black.”

With a hard snap of the wand, Remus was flung back against the wall. He cried as blood spurted from his chest, his old wounds opening again and new cuts ripped open his skin.

“Remus!” Sirius cried.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Peter said. “But Sirius had to know.”

“Fuck you!” There were tears running down Sirius’s cheeks. “Fuck you!”

Another Death Eater opened the door. “Judging by the screams, the plan has failed. Are you done gloating?”

Peter lowered his wand. “I’m done.” He started for the door, then looked back at Sirius, first conflicted but then his gaze hardened. He said nothing else as he left.


	31. Chapter 31

When Remus had closed his eyes to sleep, Sirius was sitting with his back to the wall, legs bent, and hands against his face. And when Remus woke, Sirius was in the same position.

“Mm.” He didn’t dare say anything but he hoped that would be enough to attract Sirius’s attention.

It wasn’t. If Sirius heard him, it wasn’t enough to move him. Finally, he wiped his eyes and cheeks. He looked at Remus with red rimmed eyes.

_Sirius._

“Finally awake?” One of the Death Eaters guarding them pushed himself up off the wall he’d been resting against. “Hungry?”

Neither Sirius nor Remus answered.

“You must be. Too bad you’re not getting anything.” The Death Eater gestured to his companion. “Get Karakoff. It’s his turn. He has a few ideas for these two.”

Sirius closed his eyes. Remus watched him while the one Death Eaters left. He continued watching him when, ten minutes later, the man returned with someone who had to be Karkaroff.

“This one must be Black and this the werewolf.” Karkaroff spoke with a strong Bulgarian accent. He clapped his hands together. “Excellent.”

Remus hated it when they were excited. The ones that didn’t gloat and weren’t eager never inflicted as much pain.

“Wands on both of them.”

The other two Death Eaters followed their orders, each one training their wands on the captives. And then Karkaroff parted the bars of their cages.

“Black, if you turn into an Animagus we will kill the werewolf. Now out. Both of you.”

Remus moved first but he was slower to get out, wincing as he shifted his weight from hands and knees as he crawled. Sirius was faster but as he moved halfway across the room to meet Remus, one of the Death Eaters sent a bolt of magic in front of him, exploding directly in front of him and making him cringe back.

“That’s far enough.”

Sirius halted, gaze alternating between the Death Eaters and Remus. Meanwhile, once Remus got out of the cage, he collapsed. The Death Eater that had his wand on Remus stepped forward and gave him a hard kick in the ribs. Remus yelled and curled up as the sharp pain caused his body to shudder. He couldn’t see Sirius but he heard a snarl from who he assumed was him.

“Is there something you want to say?”

Sirius remained silent.

“No, go ahead. I can see you do.”

“Leave him alone,” Sirius said quietly.

“I wonder…” Karkaroff mused. “Will you be so protective and loving when you know what he’s done?”

Remus remained in a fetal position but the sinking feeling of dread overtook him. They couldn’t tell. Sirius couldn’t know.

“He bit someone. A young boy. I hear he died from his wounds.”

No, no he’d been alive when they took him from the cage. It was a lie.

Remus tried to remain still. If he didn’t react, they might not target him again. If he didn’t react, he wouldn’t have to see Sirius. Sirius, who had not spoken.

“Such a shame, but that’s what werewolves are like. They’re all monsters.”

“He’s not a monster.” Sirius spoke quietly.

Remus felt tears in his eyes when he heard the denial. Sirius had told him once that if it happened it wouldn’t matter, that it wasn’t his fault but it was.

“You made him.” Sirius continued.

A Death Eater laughed. “We didn’t make him do anything. He’s a werewolf. That’s all they want. We only let him give into his bloodlust.”

“Fuck you!” Sirius strained his voice as he yelled. “He never would have done it if you hadn’t--” His voice had fallen back to a hoarse whisper. “He’s no monster.”

“He’s nothing but a half breed.”

“He’s a better person than any of you ever will be put together.” Sirius rasped.

_No, Sirius. Be quiet. Be quiet._

“How blindingly sentimental. Karkaroff, see if you can wake up our pet dog.”

Remus barely had time to brace himself before Karkaroff kicked his head. He cried out. The world spun and he closed his eyes to it.

“Ah, I thought you were awake.”

“Stop it!” Sirius cried.

“As if you’re in any position to make demands,” one of the Death Eaters said.

“Open your eyes, dog,” Karkaroff said in his thick accent.

Reluctantly, Remus obeyed.

“Excellent,” Karkaroff said. He had pinned Sirius to the floor with immobilizing restraints. “Now dog, bite this fool like you bit the boy you killed.”

Remus did not move.

“Do it.” Karkaroff rasped. “Or do you miss the Cruciatus Curse? Maybe I’ll try one of my own.”

Remus’s mouth twitched. He still did not move.

“Remus,” Sirius sounded just as nervous as he was. “It doesn’t matter. Just do it. It doesn’t mat—” He broke off into a scream. The other Death Eater had cast the Cruciatus to silence him. His scream finally broke off into pants and dry sobs.

“Do it.” The Death Eater hissed at Remus. “Unless you want another demonstration on yourself.”

Slowly, painfully, Remus pushed himself onto his hands and knees. He yelled and bit his tongue to keep from screaming as he crawled forward. But he fell back onto the floor, rolling onto his side to keep the pressure off his chest.

Suddenly Remus lifted off the ground and landed on his chest beside Sirius. The pain was almost as bad as the Cruciatus Curse. Remus felt sick, like he would throw up. Not only did he not want to move but for a long moment he couldn’t at all.

“Just use the Imperius Curse.” One of the Death Eaters snapped.

“No, I won’t need to. It’s in his nature.” Karkaroff replied.

Who knew what it would do to bite Sirius now while Remus was a human? It would not turn him into a werewolf, but it would still change him and the wounds would not heal. Remus was cursed. Any bite he left would also be cursed. But he had to do it. He had to. He could not take any more pain.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered before pressing his mouth to Sirius’s shoulder, then spread his lips apart and pressed his teeth against Sirius’s skin. Sirius braced himself in preparation. Remus closed his eyes but several tears trailed down his cheeks despite it. He bit down.

Remus felt sick to his stomach but the blood was intoxicating. Maybe it was from dehydration or maybe they were right and he was a sick, blood thirsty animal, but it tasted good and he wanted more of it. He licked at Sirius’s skin and sucked harder, then bit down more and more.

Sirius’s yelp of pain drew him back to reality. Remus pulled back but he felt a force pressing his head back down.

“Not yet.”

A low whine escaped Remus’s throat but he obeyed.

“Bite harder.”

Remus closed his eyes again and obliged. He could feel the blood staining his lips and neck, trailing down onto his chest. But he bit harder. He felt his teeth pass through the final layers of skin and into the muscle. Sirius screamed.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry,_ Remus thought desperately over and over again but he kept biting. This was what he was and now Sirius would see it. He was a monster. He was meant only to inflict pain. That was all he could do. That was all that was left of him. His mere existence condemned others.

“That’s enough.”

One of the Death Eaters ripped Remus away, making him tear off even more flesh at the sudden movement. Remus opened his eyes and saw Sirius crying on the floor, his hand over his shoulder but not daring to touch it.

“Have you changed your mind yet, Black?” The Death Eater asked. “Or should I sic him on you again?”

Sirius could not answer but he did open his eyes to glare at the Death Eater.

“I’ll take that as a yes. _Crucio!_ ”

Sirius’s scream turned raw. He tried to hold his shoulder down to keep the damaged muscles from moving but he was unsuccessful. Finally, the Death Eater stopped the curse.

“Now dog, go for the arm this time.” He kicked Remus forward. “And we’ll see how he takes the next Cruciatus Curse.”

“No.” Sirius moaned. “Don’t.”

Remus had no choice. He had to obey him. He could not take the pain, not even for Sirius. “I’m sorry.”

“Remus, please…” He begged.

Remus bit Sirius’s forearm, tearing apart his flesh.

“Stop!” Sirius screamed. “Please stop!”

“Not yet.” The Death Eater said. “Not until you call him a filthy half breed.”

Remus loosened his bite but Karkaroff had noticed Sirius’s pained expression diminish. He cast a spell on Remus that made him feel like nails were being driven in the back of his skull. He bit down harder than before and the pain went away.

“Say it.” The Death Eater hissed.

“No.” Sirius panted. “No. He’s not. He’s—”

The Death Eater grabbed Remus’s hair and then shoved him deeper into Sirius, who screamed in response.

“Say it.”

“He’s a filthy half breed.”

“’You’re’ say ‘you’re a filthy half breed’ to him.” The Death Eater pulled Remus away so he could stare at Sirius while he spoke the words. Remus felt Sirius’s blood drip down his face onto his body but he did not dare wipe it away.

“You’re a filthy half breed.” Sirius repeated, still gasping from pain.

“You’re a monster.” The Death Eater added.

“…You’re a monster.” Sirius ground his teeth together. He clutched his shoulder.

“And you deserve to die for what you’ve done.”

“And you— you deserve to—” He stopped.

Remus wanted to scream at Sirius to shut up and take back his words but also to keep going and say it before they made them hurt any more.

“I won’t.” Sirius said. “I won’t—”

“ _Crucio!_ ” The spell had been cast on Sirius but Karkaroff quickly followed suit and cast the Cruciatus Curse on Remus at well. When they ended it there was no more fight left in either of them.

“You deserve to die for what you’ve done,” Sirius said weakly.

“He does,” The Death Eater said. “But--” And at this he pointed his wand at Remus’s temple. “You can spare his life. If you tell us where the Potters are. If not then we shall see how long a filthy half breed can stand the Cruciatus Curse.”

“No. No, please don’t.” Remus begged. The Death Eater showed no response to his pleas. “Kill me. Just kill me.”

“He wants to die.” The Death Eater smiled, looking at Sirius. “I think you can understand that feeling, can’t you?”

Sirius said nothing.

The Death Eater turned to Remus. “Do you really wish to die?”

“Yes. It’s all I want. Please…”

“You see?” The Death Eater said to Sirius. “If you really loved this monstrosity, you would see that it is in his best interests to put him down like the dog he is. It’s only humane. Now, if you tell me where the Potters are, I will make sure his end is swift. If not, then I’m afraid we’ll be forced to continue.”

Remus buried his face in his hands. “I don’t want this.” He muttered. This was not how he wanted it to end. He did not want James, Lily, and Harry to die just so he could end his pain.

“ _Crucio!_ ”

The pain was overwhelming and Remus forgot everything else for the first few moments. Then he heard the Death Eater speaking.

“Tell me. Tell me and I’ll end this.”

Remus could not hear Sirius’s response over his own screams. It was too much. He could not take this.

“Stop! Please!” Remus clawed at the floor. “I’ll do anything!”

“There’s nothing he can do.” The Death Eater kept speaking calmly at Sirius. “There’s only one person who can end his pain, Sirius Black, and it is you. Tell me and I’ll let you say goodbye. You can even die together, if that is what you want.”

“No!” Sirius yelled. “No, I’ll never tell you. I’ll never betray my friends you sick bastard! This is your fault! You’re the one doing this!”

No, no, no. Why wouldn’t he tell them? Why wouldn’t…?

Remus knew it was for Lily, James, and Harry. He knew but why didn’t he simply tell them? Why couldn’t he end the pain? Didn’t he care about Remus? Didn’t he love him?

“You won’t betray your friends but you’ll betray your lover. Such devotion is admirable.” The Death Eater’s voice was thick with sarcasm. “You’ll all die anyway. Your stubbornness is why you are both suffering. You could die peacefully. If you keep refusing to tell us, then I assure you all your friends will be tortured before they die. If you tell us now their deaths, will be painless. If you tell us now, I can end this one’s pain.”

“Please…” Remus gasped.

But Sirius closed his eyes to shut out the sight of Remus. His sobs were drowned out by Remus’s screams.


	32. Chapter 32

“Remus…”

Remus did not open his eyes at the sound of Sirius’s voice.

“Remus--”

There was the clanging sound of someone slamming metal against the bars of the cage. Remus winced at the noise and put his hand over the one ear exposed to the air, the other resting against the floor as he lay on his side.

Sirius didn’t speak again. They stayed there in silence, Remus on his side, facing the wall. The Death Eaters stood guard over them. Remus didn’t know how much time passed. The one blessing that came from the pain was that he could no longer think. Which was why, when he heard shouting, he didn’t react at first. But as it grew louder and he heard a cry, he sat up.

“What was that?” The Death Eater that spoke turned to the other guard.

“Hell if I know. I’m not moving. If the Dark Lord finds out we left early he’ll--”

The door burst open.

“We’re being attacked!” The Death Eater’s mask had fallen from the man’s face, revealing someone with far softer features than Remus would have expected. He looked disturbingly normal. “Get out! You have to help us!”

“We’re dead if we move.”

“You’ll be dead anyway.” The man grabbed one of the guards. “Out!”

Remus glanced at Sirius, who was sitting straight up and on alert.

“We can’t leave them here.” One of the guards protested.

“Then kill the werewolf and get Black out. Go!” The maskless Death Eater dragged the other guard out and they hurried off.

“Take us both,” Sirius said, clutching a bar. “I won’t fight. Take us both.”

“I’m not an idiot.” The Death Eater hissed, stepping closer to Remus. He raised his wand. “And this one has long outlived his worth.”

So, this was how it was. Either the Order or the Aurors had come to their rescue but Remus would not live to see it. He couldn’t say, as he stared into the hollow eyes of the Death Eater, that he minded. The only thing that pained him was hearing Sirius scream.

“DON’T!”

“Avada Kedavra!”

The spell had been cast but Remus was still alive. The jet of green light came not from the Death Eater’s wand but from the shadows behind the open door. It hit the Death Eater in the side. The wand fell from his hand and he collapsed.

Regulus Black stepped into the room. He had cast off his Death Eater’s mask and hood. He stared at the body before him.

“Regulus?” Sirius gasped.

At the sound of his brother’s voice, Regulus snapped out of his trance. He pointed his wand at Sirius’s cage and, after several words, freed him. “There’s not much time. We need to hurry.” Regulus stooped to grab the Death Eater’s wand then walked to his brother and took hold of his arm. Sirius stood frozen.

“You impossible fool, move.” Despite his words Regulus’s tone was chiding instead of insulting. He handed Sirius the fallen Death Eater’s wand.

“Why—”

“We have to go.” Regulus took a step toward the door, pulling Sirius gently by the arm. “A pack of werewolves will be here in minutes. They’ll— Sirius!”

Sirius was shaky on his legs but he crossed the distance to Remus’s cage.

“They’ll free him. Sirius, we don’t have time for this.”

“I’m not leaving him.” Sirius stated firmly. He waved his wand and the bars of the cage bent open. He pointed the wand at Remus’s chains. “ _Diffindo!_ ” The spell had no effect.

Regulus swore. He rushed beside Sirius and it was his turn to cast a spell on the chains. The chains not only unlocked but went reeling into the wall. The rattling sound brought Remus back to his body.

For the first time in months, Remus’s neck and wrists were free. It was both a relief and a curse for the open air stung the sores that Remus did not know he had. But the chains were gone. Remus could not fully grasp what they meant but they were gone.

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice was still hoarse from screaming.

“Can you stand?”

It had been months since Remus even attempted it. He tried to push himself off the floor but his legs gave out the moment he flexed his knees to stand. Sirius bent down and nearly fell but he put his uninjured arm around Remus nonetheless.

“We don’t have time for this,” Regulus said.

“Then hurry up and help me.” Sirius replied.

Regulus swore under his breath but once again he moved forward to help. He grasped Remus’s arm and together the two Blacks were able to lift Remus onto his feet.

“First step,” Sirius said.

Remus stumbled. Sirius nearly fell with him but Regulus served as an anchor.

“This is absurd,” Regulus said. “Remus, your kind is coming for you. Tell Sirius—”

“Who’s coming?” Remus asked.

“Werewolves, you—”

“Who specifically?” Remus clarified.

“Phelan.”

Remus blinked. “Phelan’s here?”

“Judging by the screams, yes. I told him I’d deliver you to him.”

Remus’s thoughts were halted and slow. Finally, he realized why Regulus was in such a hurry to get Sirius away as soon as possible. He was right to distrust Phelan when it came to wizards.

Sirius, however, remained ignorant. “Regulus, what’s going on?”

“Really Sirius, I thought even you could keep up. I contacted Lupin’s _associates_ and we arranged for a distraction. He gets Lupin. I get you out.”

Sirius’s hold around Remus tightened. “I told you. I’m not leaving him.”

“Sirius.” Remus began weakly. “Go. I’ll be fine.”

“I’ve heard that before,” Sirius said firmly despite the roughness of his voice. “Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. I’m not going to repeat it.”

With a noise of disgust, Regulus released Remus. “Sirius, I have better things to do than deal with your drama and a very limited time to do it.”

Sirius’s attention wasn’t on his brother. He had been with Remus for all of his incarceration but never allowed to touch him. Now he had him in his arms. He could say whatever he needed without fear of reprisal.

“I’m not leaving you again.”

Remus summoned the energy as well as the will he needed to respond. “They’ll take me back to the packs. I’ll be safe. But you won’t. I’ll see you in a few days.”

Sirius did not take his eyes off Remus. “No.”

“Sirius!” Regulus snapped. “You have to come with me. You need to deliver something to Dumbledore. There’s more at stake here than your life.”

Sirius finally looked at his brother. “What are you talking about?”

“Here.” Regulus shoved what appeared to be a blank parchment in Sirius’s robes. “Don’t bother trying to read it. You won’t be able to but don’t let anyone other than Dumbledore see it. And don’t let him involve you. If you refuse to listen to anything else I’ve said, listen to that.”

“What—”

“I told you, my time is limited.”

“No. You’re not thinking of going back to the Death Eaters?”

Regulus smiled softly. “No, but we both know they’ll find me.”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. He thrust out the parchment to his brother. “Take this to Dumbledore yourself. We can hide you.”

“There’s something I have to do. If you don’t come with me I can’t stay here and protect you. I won’t see you again.”

“Reg—”

“I hate to interrupt.” Phelan stood in the doorway. He was covered in blood but it couldn’t have been his own. There were only a few cuts on his body. Behind him were several of Remus’s packmates and others he had seen before but did not know.

“I didn’t expect you to stick around.” Phelan continued. He glanced at the way Sirius held Remus. “It looks like your brother is as stubborn as they say.” Then he looked at Remus. He stepped into the room.

Regulus’s hand went to his wand.

“Keep that away, Black. You can kill me but you can’t kill my friends.” Phelan walked forward as he spoke. “I’ll stick to the deal if you will.” He reached Remus. “A lot of good people are dead because of you.”

Remus was too tired to play a role and too guilty to argue.

“If you weren’t one of my pack I would have let you rot here.” Phelan growled.

“I didn’t ask you to come.” Remus replied quietly.

“No but you’re my responsibility.” Phelan turned to Sirius. “I hope you’re proud of yourself. You’re the reason he’s here. Step aside. Leave with your brother and I’ll forget this.”

Sirius didn’t back down. “I'm going with Remus.”

Phelan laughed. “You’re not welcome where he’s going.” He glanced at Remus. “I’m sure Remus will join you soon, since you can’t bear to be parted. But he has one more part to play.”

“Sirius.” Regulus whispered. “I have to leave now.”

Sirius was silent. He looked into Remus’s eyes before he turned to his brother. “I’ll come with you if we both go to the Order.”

Regulus laughed softly. “We never could agree, Sirius, even when we both compromised. It’s the same now. I would do anything for you but this.” He turned to Phelan but was preempted.

“I can’t protect him even if I wanted to.”

“Sirius.” Remus began. “Transform.”

At first Sirius didn’t understand. Then his eyes widened for a moment then he nodded. “Hold him.” He said to Phelan. When Remus was secure, Sirius Black was gone, replaced by a large black dog.

While everyone stared, Remus turned to his leader. “Can you now?”

Phelan paused. “You ask for too much.”

“I ask what I must. He’s my mate. If it were Sabine, what would you do?”

Phelan scowled. He did not look away from Sirius as he changed back. “One day,” he said finally. He held up a single finger for emphasis. “Black,” he looked at Regulus, “our business is done.”

“I have no choice.” Regulus sighed. “Sirius.”

“Regulus, it’s not too late.”

“It is. Don’t forget what I told you. Goodbye, brother.”

“Regulus!”

He passed the werewolves and left the room.

“Regulus!” Sirius called again, more desperately this time. “Brother!”

Regulus did not return.

“That settles that,” Phelan said briskly. “Will, grab this one. Black, do that nice little trick of yours. I don’t want anyone else seeing you.” He turned to the werewolves that surrounded him. “And all of you aren’t to breathe a word about this one.” He jerked his head to Sirius. “If anyone notices him, we brought in a stray for Sabine and she’ll grow sick of him in a day and kick him out. Any questions? Good.”

Will stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Remus to support him so Phelan could let go of him. Sirius glanced at Remus, who nodded, and then transformed into his dog form.

Not a minute later, another werewolf came into the room. “Phelan, they’re all dead.”

“How many did we lose?” Phelan asked.

“Seven.”

“Damn it.” Phelan swore. “Are the bodies all burned?”

“Or on their way there.”

“Then let’s go.”

“Seven.” Remus repeated in an empty voice.

“They’re only the first,” Phelan said. “You’ll ensure that.”

“What is it you want me to do?”

“I want you to stand where I say and look pretty. I’m giving you what you wanted.”


	33. Chapter 33

Remus passed out almost as soon as they’d got him out of where he’d been held prisoner. The inside resembled a manor but once they got outside, Remus cast a look over his shoulder and saw a dilapidated old building in the middle of nowhere. He didn’t remember anything more until he was being shaken awake.

He was lying not in his bed but in one of his packmate’s. Fortunately for him, it was more comfortable. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop him from feeling the strong aches in his body.

“Welcome to the land of the living.” Phelan snapped. “Lucky for you I kept some of your old clothes.” He threw a pair of pants at Remus. “Put these on. I want you looking your best.” He stopped on the way out the door and pointed a finger at the corner of the room, where Remus saw Sirius, in his dog form, sitting upright. “Absolutely no healing or you’ll ruin everything.” He looked back at Remus and nodded. He stepped outside and shut the door behind him.

As soon as the door closed Sirius changed back into a human. “Remus—”

“I’ve got it.” Remus’s hands were unsteady. He set the pants aside. Every move hurt.

“Remus—” Sirius walked to him. He reached to help him into the clothes.

“I said I’ve got it.” Remus pushed Sirius’s hands away. He slid the pants over his legs and pushed himself up so he could raise them over his hips. As soon as he was done he fell back onto the bed, panting.

Sirius sat beside him. He took Remus’s hand in his own. Remus summoned the strength to squeeze it gently.

“You should—” He wet his lips. “Transform soon.”

“Probably.” Sirius replied. He didn’t move. “I didn’t think I’d be able to hold you again,” he said finally.

Remus was silent.

“I’m so—”

“I’m sorry too,” Remus said. “For a lot of things.” He let his fingers move over Sirius’s. “I don’t want to talk now.”

Sirius listened to him and didn’t speak. He stared into Remus’s eyes and Remus stared back for as long as he was able. His eyelids were heavy and over time Sirius’s gaze unsettled him for reasons he was too tired to contemplate. His eyes closed. It was dark but he was not afraid. He was free now and Sirius was with him. Still, he could not fall asleep.

Remus didn’t know how long they stayed that way but all too soon he heard people approach. Sirius had also heard and, after briefly squeezing Remus’s hand, he let go and got to his feet. When Remus opened his eyes, Sirius was in his Animagus form.

The door opened. It was Sabine.

“We’ll be walking there.” Sabine spoke. “Your dog will have to stay. Ready?”

Remus had flinched at the word dog. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to hear it again without doing so. “I am.” He swung his legs over the side of the bed.

Sabine crossed the room to Remus and held out her hand. Remus took it. She pulled Remus onto his feet and put an arm around him to hold him upright.

Sirius whined, padded close, and nudged Remus’s hand.

“I’ll be back soon.” Remus stroked Sirius’s head. “Don’t follow.”

“It’d only complicate everything. We have enough to explain and we need everyone looking at you, Remus. Have you been practicing for the runway?”

“I’ve been dieting for months.”

Sabine laughed. “It’s good to have you back, Remus.”

It wasn’t a long walk to the gathering place but Remus felt every step. He stumbled often and Sabine had to bear the brunt of his weight. As they got closer, Remus could hear someone speaking. When they finally came into view Remus saw a large gathering-- most of the packs were there. Fenrir’s supporters were largely absent. They were all paying attention to Phelan, who was in the middle of some speech when he stopped.

Sabine halted. The crowd had already turned to see them. There were several gasps and more than several stunned looks but the most common reaction by far was anger.

Funny, Remus had never considered himself as part of the pack and he had been sure the feeling was mutual. But in his time of need Phelan had come. And now the others were taking notice of him not as an outsider but as someone who should be avenged.

“You see now what the Death Eaters think of us?” Phelan proclaimed. “This could be any one of you. Even those they claim to protect. To them we are worse than animals and they will treat you as such. I have no love for wizards of any kind. They have hunted us all our existence but under the Ministry have you seen this? Is this really what you want in its place? The Ministry’s time will come but I WILL NOT SERVE A MINISTER AND I WILL NOT SERVE A DARK LORD. We are our own masters and we will have justice!”

The cries of assent overwhelmed any voice of dissent. Their anger finally had a voice.

Phelan looked at Remus out of the corner of his eyes. He walked toward him. “Well done.” He whispered. “If we live, you may even regret this before the end.”

“Not today.” Remus replied just as quietly.

“No, not today. Not for years. Until then, enjoy it.”

\---

Phelan didn’t wait to heal Remus’s wounds. As soon as they had walked far enough from the crowd, Phelan stopped and removed a phial from his robes. “This will sting.” He poured some of the liquid onto the open sores of Remus’s neck and hands. It foamed immediately. It burned but Remus had been accustomed to this pain long before his imprisonment. Still, he couldn’t help but wince. By the time Phelan had finished healing all the wounds, the phial was nearly empty.

“Your skin will be sore for a while. That’s far from the worst injury but I didn’t want any infections to spread.”

“Thank you.”

“Seriously, _don’t_ mention it. You owe me now and I intend to collect one day.”

When they returned to the room, they found Sirius still in his animagus form. At their arrival he got up on his paws and wagged his tail.

Phelan walked Remus to the bed. “Sabine will take care of you,” he said. “We’ll send you back to the Order within the day.” He stopped to look at Sirius. “You might as well change back now. Sabine won’t be able to concentrate if Lupin is whining that you need help too. Change back again if you hear anyone coming or if Sabine tells you to. Do whatever she says. And don’t cross her. She’s dear to me.”

“So much that he forgets I can take care of myself.” Sabine had entered while Phelan was speaking. “They won’t take much convincing.”

“Good.”

“Greyback is still a problem,” Sabine said.

“Greyback is always a problem.” Phelan left. The door swung close behind him.

Sabine went to Remus’s side. She wasn’t the only one.

“Black, if you want to stay out of the way, lie down. I’ll get to you in a moment,” she said shortly.

“See to him first. There isn’t much you can do for- mm!” Remus had no choice but to stop talking when Sabine shoved a flask to his mouth.

“What did Phelan say about you whining and me concentrating? Black, on one of the beds, now.”

“I can heal him,” Sirius said. “Those aren’t cursed wounds.”

“Not like the one on your neck.”

Sirius stiffened. Remus choked and Sabine had to remove the flask but only for a moment.

“In case you were wondering why it wouldn’t heal.” Sabine continued.

“I wasn’t.” Sirius replied quietly. “…What are you giving him?”

“It’s not poison. It strengthens the body. We take it before and after the full moon. And if you don’t lie down you won’t get any.”

Sirius relented and climbed onto the closest bed. He didn’t take his eyes off Remus.

Sabine pulled the flask away from Remus’s lips.

“Is he here?” Remus asked.

“You’re deaf if you didn’t hear your boyfriend just now.”

“Is _Greyback_ here?”

The silence that followed was brief but pronounced.

“No.” Sabine replied. “If he were you’d know it. He’ll want to finish you.”

“The feeling is mutual.” Remus paused. “I have to know. Does he have a new member of his pack? A young boy, blond--”

“Yes.”

Sabine didn’t notice Remus’s sigh of relief. She was too busy taking out a bottle of a purple, bubbling liquid. “I don’t know how much this will help. Most of your bruises are deep. Black, I changed my mind. You can help. You’ll enjoy this more. Rub it into his bruises.”

“What’s--”

Sabine cut him off. “It doesn’t have a name. We made it. It heals bruises.”

“It speeds the healing process.” Remus said. “But I don’t-”

Sirius stood. “I’ll be gentle.” The last time Remus heard him say that he had been teasing. He wasn’t now.

Sabine handed him the bottle. “Don’t get carried away.”

Sirius restrained himself from making a retort. He winced as the muscles on his shoulder pulled while he slathered the liquid onto his hands for longer than he needed.

“It’s all right,” Remus said. “I’m used to this.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Sirius admitted.

“That’s funny.” Sabine’s smile was humorless. “Whose fault was it the Death Eater’s took him in the first place?”

“Sabine!” Remus snapped.

“It’s the truth, Remus, and you know it.”

Sirius stared at his hands.

“Greyback and Connall are the ones who sold me out. Blame them.”

“There’s enough blame for everyone. Now, I’ve no desire to see you two fawn over each other. I’ll be back in ten minutes.” She left as soon as she finished.

There was silence. Sirius finally moved. “Head down or legs up?” He asked.

“Legs up,” Remus said. Phelan had already taken care of Remus’s neck and his legs still ached from walking.

Sirius nodded. He started with what first looked like a single large bruise that stretched across Remus’s shin and calf. Sirius soon realized that it was actually several bruises close together. The one hand he could use glowed as he pushed into Remus’s skin. The bruises were fading rapidly. That didn’t mean it was painless. Several times Sirius pushed too hard and Remus flinched.

“Sorry,” Sirius said. “I’m— I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

They both knew they weren’t talking about healing Remus’s bruises.

“I don’t hate you.” Remus added.

Sirius massaged Remus’s thigh. Aside from the pain, the touch was soothing but far from sensual.

“It’s all right,” Sirius said. “You don’t have to lie. I understand.” He switched to Remus’s other leg.

Remus hesitated too long for him to deny it. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.” He still couldn’t comprehend that he’d been freed when he’d come so close to dying. Now that he was out of the cage, did he still want to die? What more did life hold for him after he’d...

“We’ll get out of here soon,” Sirius said. “We’ll go somewhere safe.”

We. Did Remus even want them to _be_ a we?

He looked at Sirius’s shoulder, red and still bloodied, and felt a fresh pang of guilt.

“They should have treated you first.”

“It’s fine. It doesn’t hurt.” Sirius lied. He started to place his hand on Remus’s chest but Remus grabbed his wrist.

“Don’t. Broken rib.”

“Fuck Remus, all this time?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded.

“Doesn’t it hurt to breathe?”

“Yes.” Remus held back a sigh.

Sirius drew the wand that Regulus had handed to him, the same one that had tortured them both. Remus pushed himself up, intending to crawl as far away from it before remembering this was Sirius. He held still as Sirius cast the spell and the pain in his chest eased but did not vanish.

“Best I can do. Better?”

Remus nodded and lay down again.

Sirius put the wand away and reached up. He traced his finger along Remus’s jaw. Remus tensed in response and Sirius withdrew.

“Sorry, I--”

“Stop-- stop apologizing.” Remus closed his eyes. He didn’t want to hear it anymore.

Sirius finished with Remus in silence. After that Sabine returned and finally poured a fresh bottle of the potion of Sirius’s shoulder. He hissed in pain as his skin stitched over but the wound remained raw and open. It had, however, stopped bleeding.

“What will that do to him?” Remus asked.

“You know what the potion does.” Sabine replied. “You taught the Death Eaters how to make it.”

“The bite.”

Sabine glanced at him. “He won’t be a werewolf but he will have some instincts.” She glared at Sirius. “Don’t ask to join our pack.”

“Didn’t cross my mind.” Sirius hissed, still cringing from his healing injury. “Have you contacted Dumbledore?”

“What? Can’t do it yourself?” Sabine snapped.

Sirius didn’t answer. The Patronus Charm must be beyond him now. Remus knew he himself couldn’t do it.

“We’ll get you out soon,” Sabine said. “Don’t worry. We want you here even less than you want to be here. Sleep while you can.” Without another word, she left.

“Pick a bed.” Remus closed his eyes again as he spoke.

“Right.”

They didn’t say anything more as they both fell asleep.

\---

“Wake up! Both of you!”

Phelan’s voice jolted Remus awake. His muscles wound tight, fully expecting another round of torture before realizing it wouldn’t come. The Death Eaters didn’t have him anymore. They lay dead.

“Up!” Phelan grabbed the mattress Remus lay on and shook it.

Not wanting to be shaken himself, Remus sat up and saw Sirius rising slowly to his feet.

“Time to go back.”

Sirius walked over to Remus as he struggled to get up and, after putting his arm around Remus’s waist, helped him to his feet.

“Come on.”

Remus nodded.

They stumbled several times as they followed Phelan, who turned to look back at them every now and then to ensure they were still following.

“You two are pathetic.”

Remus growled.

“Alright, Black’s pathetic. You’ve still got some spirit.”

Remus heard the grinding of Sirius’s teeth and his hold on him tightened.

Phelan led them up the stairs. Remus had his hands on the walls on either side of him. He took his time with each step and prayed that he wouldn’t trip and fall back into Sirius, sending them both tumbling.

When they finally got outside, Remus saw that it was in the early morning. The sun had not yet started to rise. The air was cold but he relished the wind that swept over his skin. He’d felt only still, damp air for too long. He was so preoccupied that he did not notice who had come to meet them at first.

“Dumbledore.” Sirius whispered.

Remus looked and saw Dumbledore approaching with an old Muggle lamp in one hand.

“Thank you for--”

“Save it.” Phelan cut Dumbledore off. “I didn’t do it for you. Don’t let them get themselves killed.” Phelan looked at Remus. “This is it. Remember. You owe me.” As he passed the two of them he spat at Sirius’s feet.

Dumbledore walked over to them and held out the Muggle lamp. “A portkey,” he said. “This will take you to our new headquarters. I will speak with you later but time is not a luxury we have. I will say I am relieved beyond words to see both of you alive.” Dumbledore took out his wand. “Please touch it.”

Remus glanced at Sirius before stretching out his hand and resting it on the metal of the lamp. Sirius followed suit.

“ _Portus._ ”

Headquarters was different. In fact, unlike the last few, Remus did not think it was even a house. It looked more like an office. It was cramped enough to be one. The twin beds and the table placed between them took up most of the room.

Hestia Jones was waiting for them. “Remus, Sirius.” She went to Remus first, helping him into his bed. Once Remus was lying down, she turned to Sirius. “I should hex you right now.” Despite her words, she put her arm around him and helped him into the other bed. “But I’m too glad to see you.”

“I’m sorry, Hestia,” Sirius said. “How are the Potters?”

“Safe.”

Sirius’s face relaxed at the news.

“Do you know he stunned me?” Hestia turned back to Remus. “When he found out they took you. He demanded we leave straight away and when I tried to stop him he stupefied me.” The whole time she spoke she scanned Remus’s body, sometimes prodding him with her fingers if she thought she needed to.

“Can you take him to St. Mungo’s?” Sirius winced. He had forgotten that sitting up was a bad idea.

Hestia shook her head. “I can’t. It’s not safe.”

“What do you mean you—”

“Sirius!” Remus scolded. “I’ll be fine. There’s nothing they could do for me even if I went.” They did not exactly have much experience with survivors of long term magical torture. “I have a broken rib.”

Hestia was more skilled with her healing spell than Sirius and this time the pain was gone after the incantation.

“Thank you.” Remus sighed.

“I wish I could do more.”

“It’s fine.”

Hestia kissed Remus’s forehead and Remus had to stop himself from flinching at the contact. Then Hestia turned to Sirius and did what she could for him. Once she was done, she kissed his forehead too.

“Thank you for bringing him back.”

“It wasn’t me,” Sirius said.

One of Hestia’s eyebrows went up. “Then thank you for coming back alive. I won’t ask what happened now if you don’t want to talk.”

“No,” Remus said before Sirius could say anything. “Not now.”

He could not go through it all again. Sirius could if he wanted to, and Remus was sure he would, but Remus could not hear it.

For a moment Hestia frowned, but she was quick to hide her reaction. “Is there anyone you want to see now? They’ll be by later but—”

“No,” Remus said.

“Yes,” Sirius said at the same time.

They both looked at each other and when Sirius saw the deadened look in Remus’s eyes, he relented.

“Not yet.” And then he shifted. “I can get up, right?” Sirius did not wait for an answer before trying. He slowly stretched his muscles and sat up.

“I really don’t think you should.” But when Hestia saw he was not going to stop she went over to help him.

Sirius waved her off. “No, no. I’m fine. Just give me a bit. I won’t push myself.”

“Sirius,” Remus said.

“Can we be alone for a bit?” Sirius asked Hestia.

“Of course.” Hestia walked to the door. “Call my name if you need any help or company.” And then she left.

Sirius stood and stiffly walked over to Remus. “Do you hate me now?”

“Same answer as last time,” Remus said vacantly. “Do we have to talk?”

“No,” Sirius said. “Can you move?”

Remus stared at Sirius, about to ask why when he realized that Sirius wanted to join him. He moved aside enough for Sirius to lie down next to him. Sirius put his arm around him.

“No talking. I just need this.”

Remus was tired. He was too tired to care what Hestia would think when she inevitably returned. He was too tired to think about what his escape meant. He was too tired to protest as Sirius settled around him. Instead, he curled into Sirius’s touch and closed his eyes.


	34. Chapter 34

Remus still felt dead when he woke. He hadn’t expected that to change. After all, he’d felt like that for so long that it was hard to remember ever being any different. Sirius was still holding him and they were both covered in sweat. Remus did not remember any dreams, but he was sure they both had several nightmares over the course of their sleep.

He opened his eyes and saw the bed on the other side of the room, empty and inviting, calling to him to rest alone as he had for the past… had it been months?

Remus stared at it before letting his eyelids shut. He’d been cold for too long and Sirius was warm. He always had been.

Remus was drifting in and out of sleep when the door opened.

“Sirius?” Hestia’s voice was quiet.

“Yes?” Sirius whispered. He lightly stroked down Remus’s arm.

“Dumbledore wants to speak with you.”

Remus moved to sit up so Sirius could climb out of bed.

“Thanks. I’ll be back soon.”

Remus nodded while Sirius nudged his cheek with his nose. He moved away at the touch. Sirius paused but Remus didn’t look into his eyes as he left. Instead he lay back down on the bed until Sirius returned.

“Remus?” Sirius reached for him but stopped just short of touching him.

“What?”

“Dumbledore wants to--”

“I don’t care.” Remus grabbed Sirius’s hand, shifting so he could pull him back down to the bed.

Sirius went willingly and this time Remus put his arm around him and pressed his head against his back, avoiding his shoulder. Feeling Sirius against him was… strange. Remus wasn’t sure he wanted it. At the same time he knew he needed it.

“Is this O.K.?” Sirius asked, turning his head to try and look at Remus.

“Yeah.”

“Dumbledore contacted Moody. The Aurors are after Pettigrew. They’ll send him to Azkaban.” He paused, letting the news sink in but Remus didn’t respond so he didn’t say anything more.

After a while, Hestia peeked her head in. “Remus?”

“I don’t have anything to tell him,” Remus said flatly. “I don’t want to see him.”

“Remus--”

“No.” He would have raised his voice to emphasize his point if his throat weren’t still sore.

Hestia drew back and closed the door.

“Remus?” Sirius said after a while.

“Don’t--”

“We’re going to James and Lily’s until they get us our own home. It’ll be a few days. Is that all right?”

James and Lily. Sirius had chosen them over him.

No, no. Remus had told him to. He’d--

It didn’t matter.

Remus closed his eyes tighter. “Yeah.” He took in a deep, shaking breath. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Remus looked at the raw wound on Sirius’s shoulder. “It’s fine.”

\---

Dumbledore himself escorted them to James and Lily’s after Sirius had told Remus the location of their home. Remus didn’t say a word to the headmaster. Sirius had told Remus once that if he bit or killed anyone it would be Dumbledore’s fault and not his. He wasn’t entirely wrong. He wasn’t entirely right either.

James opened the door and quickly stepped back to let them inside. Dumbledore set a sack of food and perishables down on the floor but did not enter. He closed the door instead. Once they were safely inside, James threw his arms around Sirius. He buried his face in his shoulder, luckily the uninjured one, and shook.

“It’s all right.” Sirius held his friend. “I’m alive.” He took James’s arms and pushed him back.

James’s cheeks were splotchy and tears trailed down them. His eyes were red.

“I’m alive.” Sirius repeated.

James nodded. He breathed in deeply. “I’m so sorry.”

“I told you I’d do anything for you. It was my choice, alright?” Sirius clapped his hand on James’s shoulder. “Mine.”

James nodded again and took off his glasses so he could wipe his face on his sleeve. “I can't believe you're here,” he said, clearly struggling to keep his voice from breaking. He didn’t succeed.

“Sirius? Remus?” Lily called.

“Come on.” James took a step back. “Remus, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

They followed James into the living room, where Lily stood, pale and with tears in her eyes, but smiling broadly at them. In her arms was a baby with the same eyes as his mother and the messy, jet black hair of his father. But for a moment, Remus saw a far older boy in his place, one who must also had been cherished by his parents before he’d been taken and bitten.

While Remus stood frozen, Sirius walked forward to hug Lily with one arm before he smoothed Harry’s hair.

“It’s so good to see you two.” Lily also sounded choked up. “Sirius, if you ever do anything that stupid again. And Remus I’m s--”

“I know.” Those two words were the first Remus had spoken since leaving. He tore his eyes from Harry.

Lily’s brow furrowed as she looked on Remus with concern. “You should sit down.”

“I-- yeah.” Remus walked closer to them so he could reach the couch. He passed Harry and--

“Where’s the bathroom?”

“Down the hall on the right.”

“Remus?” Sirius grabbed at his arm as he passed him.

“Going to be sick.” He mumbled as he ran.

\---

Sirius had been waiting for Remus outside the bathroom. He gave him a sympathetic, worried look. “What’s wrong?”

“Harry, I can’t--” Remus couldn’t meet Sirius’s eyes.

Somehow Sirius knew what he was saying. “Why?”

Remus shook his head.

“You don’t blame him?”

Remus shook his head vehemently this time. “No. It’s--”

Sirius let out a breath. “The boy you bit.”

Remus bit his lip.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I can’t--” Remus could still see Paul. He could still taste the blood. And while the boy was still alive, he was with Greyback and the life he would live from now would be nothing but suffering.

“Wash your face again.” Sirius stroked the back of Remus’s head before leaving.

Remus went back inside the bathroom. He heard Sirius speaking to James and Lily.

“It’s late. Can you put Harry to bed?”

Remus closed his eyes. _Thank you, Sirius._

\---

He couldn’t avoid Harry for the length of his stay and whenever he was out, Remus kept his distance. Sirius, for his part, enjoyed holding Harry, even if he had trouble with his injured arm.

Talking to James and Lily was strange-- stranger than speaking with Sirius. Remus didn’t know how he felt about them. He cared for them. He was glad they were alive. But the life he had known them in was over.

That didn’t mean he stopped James and Lily from hugging them goodbye when it was time to go. In fact, he surprised himself by holding them tight.

“Sirius will have his mirror in the new house. We can talk through it.” Lily told him.

“And I’m talking to you through it every day.” James gave Sirius another hug.

“Take care of Harry,” Sirius said. He pulled away from James and wiped at his nose with his sleeve. “Alright.” He looked at Remus and held out his hand. “We need to go.”

Remus took it. When Sirius squeezed him he squeezed back. Sirius nodded at James and Lily.

“We’ll see you soon.”

He then touched the portkey vase in the center of the room.

The house they appeared in next was small but Remus had been assured there was a room for him to transform in. Funny, how quickly they’d been able to find a home that was capable of housing a werewolf when they’d been incapable of doing so before.

Very funny.

There were boxes in the living room, stacked in front of a couch. A note rested on one. Remus went to read it.

_Sirius, these are your things from your safe house. Remus, there are new clothes for you in the dresser. I guessed your size. Hope they fit._

_Be safe,_

_Hestia_

Remus handed the note to Sirius. He read it and nodded.

“We’ll unpack later,” he said.

He let the note fall to the floor, stepped closer to Remus, took his face in his hands, and pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead.

“Sirius--” Remus started to pull back.

Sirius let go of him. “I understand if you don’t want--”

Remus shook his head. “I do.” At least he thought he did. He stared at the floor and breathed in. “Do you remember what I asked when we got together?”

“If we could take it slow?”

Remus nodded. He looked up at Sirius. “Can we do that again?”

“Remus, you will always be worth the wait.”

\---

Voldemort had been destroyed four years ago along with all his horcruxes, thanks in part to Regulus’s sacrifice. The search had taken the lives of most of the Order of the Phoenix, including Dumbledore, but those who had gone into hiding lived. Remus was still struggling to accept that.

But it wasn’t on his mind as he sat on the grass. He glanced at the newspaper to his side, which bore a small article on a rise in werewolf attacks. Not caring to read more, he watched as Sirius balanced Harry on a broom. They had taken the child to a field, away from Muggles, to continue the lessons James had started. Looking at Harry was less painful than years ago, less a reminder of what Remus had done, but he still found he was distancing himself sometimes. Like now.

Sirius was just the opposite. Whenever he was around Harry, his scars were less evident. That was partly why Remus didn’t mind much when James and Lily dropped Harry off in their care for the day. The other part being he cared for the boy, even if he had trouble expressing it.

Sirius laughed as Harry made an impressive turn (for a six year old).

“Remus, did you see that?” Sirius asked.

Remus smiled. “I did. Well done, Harry.”

Harry flew past Sirius, who reached out and ruffled his messy black hair as the boy went by.

“You fly like your father.”

Harry beamed at the comparison.

“Remus.” Sirius called, turning to him. “Come here.”

Remus stood and walked over to his lover. Sirius held out his hand once Remus came close and Remus took it, letting Sirius pull him into a kiss. Sirius nudged Remus’s nose with his own when he pulled away.

Harry giggled at the display and Sirius, still holding Remus’s hand, turned his attention back to him.

“Here, I’ll show you another move.”

\---

“Thank you for watching him,” Lily said as Sirius guided a sleepy Harry to his parents.

“Ah, we had fun.” Sirius grinned. “Didn’t we, buddy?”

Harry gave him a tired nod.

“Good, then you won’t mind taking him tomorrow.” James joked.

Harry perked up. “Can I?”

“No,” Lily said gently as she made an attempt to smooth his hair down. “Mom would rather have you home.”

Sirius leaned into Remus. “That’s what she says now.” He muttered.

Remus elbowed him but the move was accompanied by an affectionate smile in his direction.

“Do you want to say bye to Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus?” Lily asked her son.

“Bye.”

“I’ll see you soon.” Sirius promised.

Sirius still had a smile on his face even after they left. “That was a good day.” He let out a contented sigh.

“It was.” Remus admitted.

“Want to make it even better?” SIrius’s hand settled on Remus’s hip.

“After today? How do you have the energy for that?” Remus unwound Sirius’s arm from his body.

“I always have the energy for it.”

“I noticed.” Remus leaned into Sirius and kissed him. “Just this once.”

“What’s that last part?” Sirius asked, lips brushing against Remus’s as he spoke. Then he had his arms around Remus, hands on his back, and pulled him close as they kissed.

\---

Remus closed his eyes. He lay half over Sirius, half on the bed, arms around his lover and head on his chest. One hand went up to his shoulder before stopping just before the scar and moving down to settle around his waist.

“Remus?”

“Mm.” Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’s chest. He tasted the salt of the man’s sweat.

“Are you happy?”

Remus paused. “Why do you ask?”

“Sometimes I think… you don’t seem to be.”

Remus sighed. “We both have our moments, Sirius.”

“I know. But today--”

“I was happy.” Remus pushed himself up so he could look into Sirius’s eyes. “I am happy. I have you and you’re everything I’ve wanted.” He ran his hands through Sirius’s hair. “I love you.”

Sirius laid his hand over the back of Remus’s head and kissed him for a long time. “I love you.”

They lay there with Remus in Sirius’s arms. Sirius’s hold around him slackened as he fell asleep but Remus remained awake for a while longer, enjoying the Sirius’s touch and warmth. Almost ten years ago, he hadn’t thought he would end up here. And over five years ago, he thought he wouldn’t have a future at all.

It wasn’t a perfect life. It never would be, but it was his. It was theirs.

Remus kissed Sirius’s throat before falling asleep beside him, as he would each night for the rest of his life: the two of them always together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, after working on this fic for so long it's hard to believe it's finally over. Thank you for reading it and I hope you liked it! I always said to myself that if one person enjoyed it, it'd be worth writing. Hopefully you're the one person I was thinking of.


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